A Rough One

This is out of order, but I also want to keep up with what is currently going on, so I don't get behind again.

Today, like a lot of days, is an Ellie day. I have been thinking of her a lot today. I have been trying, desperately, to get ready for this baby, however, something is keeping me from doing it........me. I have prevented myself from getting excited about this new baby boy, that, in 13 or so more weeks, is going to make his appearance into the world.

Last night, I decided to create a registry. Just for me, not for a baby shower or anything like that. I wanted to use it as more of a "To-Do" list, rather than a gift list. A week ago, my mom took me to Baby's R Us, to look at bedding sets. She has bought my bedding sets for most of my kids, unless I get to it first, and wanted to do it this time around. We went and picked out one that I kind of liked, and then shopped for clothes. As I shopped for clothes for this new guy, I couldn't picture him in anything. In fact, I couldn't picture anyone in them, except my sweet Eleanor, and then it just seemed weird that I was shopping for blue clothes, when I should be shopping for pink clothes. I picked out some things that I, again, kind of liked. We paid for the items (not for the bedding just yet), and we left the store.

As I was driving home, with my 2 boys in the back seat, on our way to pick up Sarah, I was so annoyed with myself. Why couldn't I be excited and do the "Ooohs and Aaahs" at the baby clothes and bedding sets? Why was I so ho hum about everything? I so wanted to be excited and have fun, but I just couldn't. It just wasn't coming. Finally, I called my mom. I told her I was so sorry that I couldn't be excited. I told her it was hard to not be guarded with this pregnancy. She told me, "It's ok. We will be excited for you. This baby needs to be celebrated too." I wish I was in the mood to celebrate. A lot of times, I have a hard time calling this baby a "he" or "him". It's always, "the baby".

I came home, and I told Allan what had happened, and how I was feeling. We decided to look at bedding sets online, together, and see if there were any that I liked. He understood how I was feeling, and thought, maybe if I can get excited about one thing, like the bedding, then maybe it will get better. And you know what? We actually found a set that we both loved! I couldn't wait to call my mom and tell her, "I want this set, instead!" I explained to her that this is the first thing, this whole pregnancy, that I've been excited about, so it was important to me. She was happy for me, that I was excited finally, about something.

Today, as I was trying to finish up the registry, so I could start, piece by piece, buying the things I needed, and wanted for this baby, this overwhelming feeling of guilt came over me. I felt it again, like in the store, "Why I am I looking at things for boys, when I want to look at things for girls?" I had already felt terribly that I had bought a lot of used things for Ellie, in preparation for her. I thought, "Why wasn't she special enough to have brand new things?" So I wanted to buy new things for this baby. But then the rational part of me thought, "It really doesn't matter. The baby doesn't care about stuff. Stuff isn't important." But as I shopped more and more, I just couldn't LOVE anything, and picture this baby in it. I decided to take a break, and just put it down for a little bit. As I was trying to clear my head, a weird thought crept into my mind. Earlier, my doctor had told me that she'd like to induce me at about 34-35 weeks, to be on the safe side, but that the baby would be in the NICU for a week or so. I was fine with any amount of time in the NICU, as long as I got to bring my baby home, at some point. But today, I was thinking of talking to my doctor about waiting to induce me until 36-37 weeks, just to make him a bit healthier. Just an idea, and more to have her educate me more on why, in my situation, earlier may be better. But the thought came to me, "Why would you try to prolong this pregnancy, against your doctors advice? Are you trying to kill this baby too?!" That thought broke my heart into a million pieces, and brought on so many tears. Again, I know I didn't do anything to cause the death of Ellie. I couldn't have kept it from happening, even if I wanted to. We have no idea, still, what happened. But it's that irrational part that creeps in and makes me doubt myself and my abilities as a parent to make good decisions for my children anymore. It's almost as if I don't trust myself completely anymore.

I do love this baby, and I want this baby to be born safe, and healthy and happy, and become part of our family. We knew, getting pregnant, so soon after losing Ellie, would be difficult, and I would go through a lot. It's a strange thing, dealing with the death of one child, while giving life to another. I don't know if any amount of counseling could help me deal with this strange paradox of emotions. My poor husband, I think, feels like he can only sit back and watch this happen. He tries so incredibly hard, to be there for me and listen to my feelings. He helps when he feels like he can, or I communicate to him, how he can help. I don't think any amount of preparation can really prepare you for the emotions of being pregnant, after losing a baby. The guilt, the pressure you put on yourself to do everything right, and the sadness, all while trying to make yourself prepare for a new arrival. He understands the loneliness that I am feeling, and wishes he could help with that too, while dealing with his own emotions. I try to talk to friends (because sometimes you just need a girlfriend to talk to, and cry on), but it seems like when I bring her up, and let them know that this is what I'm down about, or need a cry about, they disappear. I understand why, but I wish I didn't have to be so understanding. I think, someone in my situation, already chooses their words so carefully, as to not always be talking of the baby they lost, so to not make others uncomfortable.......it's hard to have to be so choosy with your words with friends.

This posting is not eloquent, and very choppy. This one is difficult for me to put into words, what I feel and what I'm going through. I am happy, I am cautious, and I am scared. I don't know how to express this one better. I wish I did. Maybe that would help me understand how to help myself. I will just keep trying. But I'm getting tired of always battling myself, to stay positive and happy. It's exhausting. Just bad days happening lately. I hope, and most of me knows, this too shall pass, and it will get better.