Swimming at Dan & Amanda's

Dan and Amanda invited us over to go swimming. I was SO excited to go because it's always fun swimming with the kids, but even better, I FINALLY got to see her remodeled kitchen!!! Which looks freaking amazing and beautiful!

I didn't get to take too many pictures, because I was lazy and enjoying myself being lazy.....honestly. HA! But I have a few pictures of my fishies.

Dan and Allan talking business, while Taylor swam. The kids were obsessed with those dang noodles. Taylor was a FISH. He couldn't have loved it more.

Sarah was so excited to finally get to go to Amanda's house and go swimming.

Luke would NOT go swimming. He finally did get in after a while, but spent most of his time in the spa. He's my little timid man.

Yup, Sarah is still bein a fish.

Thanks to Dan and Amanda for having our huge clan over and being so patient and understanding with our little monsters. It was a perfect day......followed by AMAZING naps! HORRAY! We sure love you guys!

Park Trip

The other day, I took the kids to the park for the first time in a few months. Sarah was very pouty, when I told her I didn't want them to swing, because there's only 1 of me, and 3 of them.....and I wanted to take pictures. She did eventually get over it.

Sarah sitting and pouting

My climber

I don't know why, but I just think this picture is interesting. Weird focusing, but I like it.

Lucas.....doing some weird face. HA!

Yelling for Luke to come down the slide

THERE HE IS!

Happy boy

Why does this make me nervous?

Yea, Sarah is playing now...on the other jungle gym.....alone. Gosh.

And she's happy now. Bi-Polar much?

Pretty girl.

Amazing water waste at DB Park

Taylor pushing Luke on the swings

Just hangin out

My big girl can swing herself. Awe!

Yea......that's how Luke swings.

Tank hungry

"What the heck is this? That's not a cookie!"

Best buds chattin

Tank still eating

It was a fun day. I really enjoyed the kids....once the pouting stopped. It was fun, and a great experience of me trying to have fun with my kids again, and loosening up.

The Rogers' Go To Group Therapy

Last Thursday, May 26, Allan and I went to our first group grieving session. I don't know what you'd call it really, but it was kinda weird, awkward and amazing. It was an experience that needed to happen, along this windy road that our family has been on lately.

Tammy had been encouraging Allan and I to attend this group of parents who have lost babies, by stillborn, SIDS, premature and didn't make it, or any number of reasons why. I was petrified to go. I had been having such a hard time recently, blaming myself, not allowing myself to enjoy anything good, not feeling deserving of anything good, and just a lot of self inflicted mental wounding. I was constantly feeling overwhelmed and tortured. I was overwhelmed with my feelings with regards to Eleanor, and the loss of her and the hole in this family, not to mention, trying to hide those feelings from the children, as they ask me about their sister, about 3 times a day, on top of trying to hold it together, so my husband can feel like I'm ok, and let himself grieve, and not feel like he has to take care of me. I didn't want to talk about it AGAIN. I was afraid that I wouldn't feel anything. I was afraid I wouldn't allow myself to feel anything, or to cry. I was afraid no one would care. I was afraid of everything unknown. As the date approached, I kept giving Allan those easy out moments. Like, "We don't have to go if you don't want to. It might be lame" or "I just don't feel like going. I feel fine". Things like that. Allan, however, was persistent in the fact that he thought it might be really good for us, and he reminded me that I haven't wanted to back down or run away from anything. That this is just a milestone in this journey, that I have to face, and do. DANG IT! I hate when he's right and makes sense. It's so uncharacteristic of him. HA!

We arrived at Summerlin Hospital, and went to Conference Room 3. I wanted to throw up, I was so nervous. As soon as we walked into the room, I shut down. I became shy, and quiet and awkward.......I was not myself, that's for sure. The woman running the meeting, introduced herself (now I've forgotten her name! AAH! I'm so terrible at names.). She couldn't have been more sweet and pleasant. She was just a short little thing.......although anyone standing next to me is a short little thing, but she was even more so. She knew exactly who we were already, from talking with Tammy. We felt weird, because she knew us so well, and we had no idea who she was or anything about her. HA! She introduced us to another woman sitting there, who she said was LDS also, and had lost her baby 5 months ago (of course I can't remember her name now either. Geez.). We made small talk and chatted quietly, while the rest of the group arrived. More people started to show up after us, and by the time the session started, there were about 8 people there, 2 people were married, so luckily, Allan wasn't the only man there.

Finally, she started the session. We all introduced ourselves, and then she said that usually, at the beginning of the meeting, we go around the room, and tell our story. I was so glad that she started at the other end of the room, and let us go last. It was eye opening to me. The first to go was the LDS woman that I had just met. She was so sweet and cute. I felt like I was listening to my story, in certain areas. The characteristics of her attitude were very similar to mine. Positive, but still have really crappy times. Then, every one else went. There were a lot of people there that had their baby a few years ago, and were still very distraught over it. I don't know why, but it surprised me a little. I mean, of course, you're still sad about losing your child, but for some reason, the amount of crying caught me off guard. It made me do 2 things. Look inward, to myself, and ask, "Am I masking my feelings so much, that I'm becoming hard, and not feeling anymore? Or, am I taking my journey in a different direction, and finding the purpose, and the lessons that Heavenly Father wants me to learn from this experience?" I don't think I got my answer until the end of the session, to those questions.

It was finally our turn to talk about how we lost our sweet Ellie Bellie. I told the story, and surprisingly, I WOULD NOT allow myself to cry. I could feel it coming, and I would shove it back down. People asked me questions, and I would answer, and it was very robotic. I felt like I was talking to a nurse, and giving a medical history report. Looking back.....it's just weird. What is wrong with me? I finished with telling about how difficult it has been, because of Cecilia having her baby so close to the time that I lost Ellie, so when I see her baby, I think of what mine should be doing, and things like that. THEN, the 2 L&D nurses there, knew exactly who we were, just by mentioning Lincoln and Cecilia's name. HA! They didn't really say anything to us, or treat us badly or anything at all. You could just see it click, when we brought it up, and then the big, "OOHH!". HA! That was a funny moment of the meeting.

The next 2 hours, I listened to everyone talk about random things, some had to do with the loss of their babies, and some of it had to do with how they are using their experience to help others. At one point, we talked about if we would have more kids, or try to have more kids. The LDS woman and I both said that we were trying. A few of the other ladies looked at us like they couldn't even get their heads around having another child so soon. HA! Just different I guess. There came a point in the meeting where I guess I just got on one of my tangents, about my heart being grateful for the trials in my life, because of the testimony builder that they have been for me, and the opportunities to serve others have been astounding. I bore my testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel, and that without this experience, I wouldn't have experienced some AMAZING things. I have been given so many heavenly gifts. I feel almost undeserving of such wonderful insight, regarding my daughter. These things that my Father has shown me and given me, have filled my soul with such gratitude and relief, that I feel like I'm just floating through life, lately. As I spoke, there was a woman there that was listening so hard. She hung on everything I said. Maybe she is just one of those people that, when a person talks, they give you their undivided attention, or maybe she actually felt something, as I was going on and on. Whatever it was, she was staring at me so hard, I felt like it was just her and I in a room, and were just talking, and she was just taking in everything. It was amazing.

As the meeting came to a close, the woman running the meeting, offered everyone papers to take home, that had information about grieving and things like that, and told everyone to take a rose, that was in a vase on the table. Allan and I walked out, and sort of chatted about if we liked it or not, and if we'd come back. As we got out to the car, the LDS woman (Ugh, still can't remember her name.) met us, and we chatted a bit longer. I think it was nice to talk to someone who understood fully where you were coming from, with regards to your beliefs and things like that. She felt a lot of the same things that I did, and it was so nice. I felt some sort of peace that I was kind of normal-ish.

After reflecting on the meeting, and talking about it with the very few people who asked, who knew we were going, I came to realize how grateful I am for the church, and how I DO know it's true, and how much it has strengthened me during this time in my life. I do not think Heavenly Father did this to me, to teach me any lessons (maybe he did), that I did anything wrong and this is why it happened. I think this is a part of Earthly life, and it's our choice to handle it one way or another. So many times, people ask why did this happen to me, to Heavenly Father. Living on Earth, in this temporal life, there will be things that we are tested with, but then, there will be other things that are just part of life. Nothing that God did to us, just part of life. Simple as that. However, even if it is just part of life, we still have a choice. Do we choose to go to our knees, pray and express our need for Him in our lives, or do we turn away from Him? With every experience, we have that choice.

I have so many people that tell me, a religion doesn't define who you are.......Those people are wrong. I believe now, my religion is the base of what I believe to be right and wrong. My religion, my belief in Heavenly Father, in the temple, in the atonement, in Jesus Christ, guides what I do every minute of every day, without ever realizing it. I make the choice every minute of every day, and most of the time, it's so easy anymore, I don't even realize I'm doing it. Sometimes I feel like I take the great blessings I'm given every minute of every day, for granted, because I don't pay attention. But, to cut myself some slack, who could? We are blessed so much. After this group, I feel so much more blessed, than ever. I know what my purpose is, I know where I'm going, and I know how I can get there. I don't know why I realized this from that meeting, but it was the defining thing I learned from that experience.

In the end, I am glad that I faced a fear that I had. I am grateful for a husband who sometimes knows what I need, and pushes me to it. I think we will go back, if they'll have us. HA! I can rant pretty good. We'll see how the next month a bit plays out I guess. One day at a time.

Stinkin' Google!!

The other day, while Allan was working at home, he emailed me a message that said, "Wanna know what I just cried about for 15 minutes?" Following that message, he posted this video for me to watch.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=R4vkVHijdQk

I watched it, and I too cried. I was sad because I knew that I would never get to have these experiences with Eleanor, but I do have 3 other children, I can do this for. I thought it was such a sweet idea, and, instantly, I was happy that I was keeping a blog about everything that was going on.

Allan and I hugged for a minute, and we both thought it was a sweet idea, to write the kids letters, and email them to their email addresses. We had already saved their email addresses for them, their names, so it would be pretty easy to do. And what a sweet thing for them to read, an actual letter from their parents, to them. Unfortunately, we cannot write letters to Ellie, but I know, she knows how we are feeling, and how much her absence in our family, is effecting us, and I'm sure her. There is a hole in our family now, that will never be filled, nor would I want it to be. It's her place. Only she can fill it.

Time Goes By........

It'll be 4 months, tomorrow, since my Ellie Bellie died. Not a day goes by, that I don't think of her. I wish I was given the chance to be her mother, but I do know that, someday, I will get to be.

I have found, that as time goes by, I think of my Eleanor, but I never picture her, as she was when I held her. I think of her as a 14 year old girl. I can picture what she looks like, her mannerisms, her smile, her hair, her eyes, and her dainty hands. I know her personality, and I can feel her warm hug, just as if I have hugged her before. It's a weird feeling. One that I am curious about, and one that I am sad about.

I don't know if I miss her though.......Is that weird? I didn't know her. I didn't have any memories of her. The only memories I had of her, were of her when she was already gone. The experience of finding out that as miraculously as she came into the world, that she left the same way, was horrifying, to say the least. I still catch myself, in bed, thinking that I'm pregnant.

I am finding out how complex all of these emotions are though. I've started walking, between 3-5 miles a day, about 4 times a week. I've lost a lot of weight, however, I'm upset that I lost weight. I didn't want the weight, because I didn't have the baby to justify the weight gain, but on the other hand, I feel like I'm trying to wipe her away, by losing the baby weight. It's just like when my breasts were wrapped to try to get the milk to stop coming in. On one hand, the milk coming in was a constant slap in the face, and a reminder of her, but then wrapping them felt like I was trying to make her go away. I can't win! It's extremely frustrating.

I know I'm depressed. I think, with all of the things on my plate lately, I always have people around me, so I constantly put on the happy face. When friends, my children, or my husband are around, it's like I don't allow myself to go there, when they ask how I'm doing, for fear that I will depress them, or make them uncomfortable. However, lately, I have done it more so, to the point that I never allow myself to feel any of it, because I always have people around me. When I do finally feel it, it's been held in for so long, that I feel like my emotions are just oozing out all over my face, in tears. I am getting exhausted.

How am I doing? Well, I'm doing OK. Not great, not bad, I'm pretty even. The last few days have been difficult. Allan and I decided we're going to try again, to have another baby. That was a terrifying decision to make. That meant that I would have to WILLINGLY put myself in that position again, along with my family, and whatever friends are left, out of this tragedy. I'm petrified, to say the least. But, I know it's the right thing to do. I still do feel like God was punishing me for something. Maybe even for saying that we were done having kids and wanting to get a vasectomy. I feel like we took the gift of having children, and the ease of it, for granted, and that's how he was trying to teach us not to take it for granted. Do I think God operates like that? No. But it's what my crazy mind thinks today. I almost have to allow myself to feel that, instead of anger at God. I don't want to be angry at him. It's a slippery slope, and I don't want to put myself in a position of being so clouded by anger, that I fall away from the gospel. I don't want to lose what I know to be true.

As time goes by, I am still grateful for the trials that are laid in front of me. I am proud of me, for going through this, and hopefully, doing more than just surviving this. I am proud of me for being open to the lessons that needed to be learned during this experience. I am stronger than I ever imagined I was.........but even with all of that, I feel weakened by this too. I feel tired. I feel like the battle is not with friends, or family, or even God. The battle is with myself. Do I forgive myself, and let myself cry, and feel, or do I give in to the depression and feel that I did kill my child, and that I'm not deserving of any love and attention from my kids, living, or my husband? I know what I want, but I feel like, sometimes, some days, I am battling myself to figure out which way I'm going to go.

I'm still a work in progress, but as time goes by, I have faith and hope, that it will get easier. I love my husband for trying to help me through this, even though, I know he has a hard time talking about it, so often changes the subject......but he's trying. I love my children for being patient with me, when I get in a snappy mood (which is quite often lately). I love the few friends that have stuck by me through this and have tried to be there for me, and make me feel comfortable enough to talk to them about it all. All of those things have made all of the difference in the world for me.

Mothers Day

Ellie's hand and footprints.
This was taken with my phone. Not best quality pic.

Today is Mothers Day! How do I feel about it? Meh.......not my finest day. Nothing earth shattering, just not my finest day. I'm feeling undeserving of any attention, of any sort of recognition. I am uneasy with anyone saying that I am a good mom. Why? While the sane part of me knows I didn't do anything wrong, the insane part of me says that a good mom wouldn't have killed her baby. I know I didn't do anything wrong, but I have no answers. No confirmation that I didn't. I just don't feel like a good mother.

Last night, Tammy, the nurse that was so wonderful to us at the hospital, came by, along with her wonderful husband. It was such a great night. We just all chatted and laughed, and then Allan pigged out on the bunt cake that she brought over. It was TASTEY!! She did bring a gift over, and I had forgotten about it, because I was just so excited to see her. So as she was leaving, her husband reminded me about it. I opened it, and there were the impressions of my Ellie Bellie's hands and feet. I had forgotten how small her hands were and how chubby her feet were. I caught myself starting to get emotional, so I did the big gulp, and called the kids over to see it. For the last few days, Sarah had been asking me how small her feet were, and if whatever shoes she found in a store, would've fit her sisters feet. It made me happy to share that with the kids, and show them how small she was. They loved seeing it. I hugged our new friends goodbye, and promised we'd walk together, and closed the door. Allan and I bathed the kids and put them to bed, and I left to walk Clyde. I was a wreck after seeing those impressions. I walked and walked and walked, until I was terribly sore. I kept feeling my pointer finger, because I felt like I could feel her little hand again, on my finger. I remembered stroking her hands and her fingers with mine. My good friend called me that evening, while I was out, and I'm not sure if I made any sense to her at all, I just vented about everything going on......again HA! She listened, graciously, and then I FINALLY asked about her day. Sorry Amy!! She's gotta be getting sick of this. The impressions were just in time for Mothers Day, but it was almost fitting for the torture I was feeling with regards to the holiday.

I questioned whether I'd be at church today. I decided late last night, while sitting outside, under the stars, that I would indeed go to church. I have NEVER shied away from one thing, since Ellie's death. I said, at the very start, no matter how painful or awkward or difficult, I would show up and experience everything thrown at me. I would only say yes, because I was afraid I would regret missing something. I went........it was painful. I heard talks by Amber Trowbridge, just verbally loving on her mother, and telling us all what a wonderful example her mother is to her. The next one I remember was Brother Bryan, explaining the sacred roll of a mother, and gushing about what a good mother his wife is, and the same from Brother Godfrey. I looked over at Allan a few times, he was teary. I was kind of upset that he was so sad. I felt like it was my time to be sad! HA! Later, I found out from him that he was so teary because he said he kept thinking about me, and what a great mom I am and how lucky he is to have me as the mother of his children and his partner. Sweet, right? Stupid me just said, "Oh." Ugh. Sarah sang with her primary and did amazing!! My poor child. She was, by far, the loudest child up there. Everyone heard her singing, and I was so proud of her. She even got Luke to come up there with her. Every time I would smile at him, he'd give a smirk and then look away, HA! After sacrament was over, Amy turned around and kind of made small talk, and I just wanted to leave. I'm not sure I said anything to her, and I kind of felt bad, I just felt like I was suffocating, and I wanted out. We dropped Taylor off at nursery, and then went to Primary, to hear Sarah recite the 5th Article of Faith. Afterwards, we went to our Sunday School class. Next up, Young Women's..........ugh. Ariel brought in her 6 month old (I think), little sister. She's the baby that is always in Sunday School, and Allan and I hear her cooing and we just tear up every time. Ariel's mom was teaching, so she said she would take the baby. The baby was really fussy, and all of the girls were trying their hardest to calm her down, passing her around to see if someone else could get her to calm down. It didn't work. Finally, I got up, and just took her and bounced and rocked, and she stopped fussing. I kept her the whole hour, and it hit me, about 10 minutes into this bouncing and rocking, what I was doing. After that, I bounced and rocked, but I couldn't look at her, I didn't want to think of my daughter, I didn't want to smell her, I didn't want her to put her hands around mine, nothing. I was in with the Beehives and I had to step out with her. I was starting to get teary. However, when I came out, there were 2 girls chatting out there, so I had to put the happy face on, and gulp down the emotions. It was a weird thing. I was trying to help, and yet, I put myself in an emotional situation that I just didn't know how to deal with, with no outlet or help.

After class was over, I gave her back to Ariel, and walked back into the the Young Women's room. I think I just needed a hug for 5 seconds. I had been putting on the happy face act for so long, while holding a baby, that I felt like I was going to burst. As I walked in, there stood Gaylene, and Amy. Gaylene came up to me, and we started chatting, and then another person came in, and we ended up talking to them the rest of the time. Finally, when we were leaving, Gaylene briefly told me that she was glad I came, and was really proud of me. I told her thank you, and I walked out. I was emotional the whole way out to the car. I was so happy to have that love and support from her, even if it was brief. It was enough.

Now, after all of this drama, that of course, I put on myself really. I have figured something out......I am actually thankful for the hard times. I am thankful for Heavenly Father giving me all of the trials that I have. Without those trials, I wouldn't know what I know about myself. I wouldn't have learned what I learned. My testimony wouldn't have been strengthened as much as it has been. I wouldn't have as much appreciation for my remaining 3 children and for my husband. After the death of my baby, I have come to appreciate my little family so much more. I realize how strong we all are together. I realize how much we need each other. Of course, I wish I could've learned all of these wonderful things, while holding my daughter and watching her grow, but, it is what it is. I can't change it, and it does no good to keep looking backwards, if you're not willing to learn from it. My daughters death will not be for nothing. I feel like, while it still hurts and it is still difficult to not have her here with us, I am a much stronger daughter of God because of it.

It's a strange thing. It's only been 5 months. I feel like, "wow! It's been 5 months? It feels like yesterday!" and at the same time, it feels like forever ago. I wish I could explain that, but I can't. I wish I could see her grow, and know her personality. Was she quiet, or loud? Was she girly, or a tomboy? Did she end up looking like me, or Allan? Did her hair change colors, like Luke's did, or would it stay brown? What color would her eyes be? This past Thursday, I planned an activity for the girls. I had them write a letter to their mothers, thanking them for what they've done for them, or appreciating them, or a poem. Really anything. I also, had them bring a picture of them with their mothers. We attached the picture to the letters, and then framed them. I got some dried flowers, and had them decorate the frames with those, as presents to their mothers. I thought it was a FANTASTIC idea! One of my few crafty ones I have. For the whole week leading up to it, I was crying every day. I kept thinking about how I would never get anything like that from her. I would never know if I was a good mother to her. I would never know what her favorite food was, that I made. I would never know what her favorite tv show was, or if she liked to snuggle me while watching movies. I would never have that with her, what these girls have with their mothers. But, one day, I will see her again, and I will always be her mother. I know, she loves me, and appreciates me. I know she hugs me every day, and hates to see me cry, and miss her so terribly. I know she doesn't want me to worry about her, even though I'm going to, cause I'm her mom, it's what I do. HA! I also know that she wants me to take good care of her brothers, and sister, along with her daddy, so we can all return back to our Father in Heaven, and be together as a family. If we don't do all we can, here on this earth, then we won't be able to take advantage of the blessings promised to us in the temple. We have to do our part.

I am grateful for this trial. I am grateful for the testimony that I have gained because of it. I am grateful for the support of my Heavenly Father, lifting me up every minute of every day, and pushing me to continue on. I am grateful to be a mother of 4 beautiful children. Most of all, I am grateful to have a loving, handsome and compassionate husband as my partner for eternity. Out of sorrow, comes joy, and I'm finally finding mine again.