Palm Springs, Day 3

When we drove into Palm Springs, we drove past a billboard that excited Allan so much............(insert eye rolling here) The billboard was an advertisement for an Air Museum. So, of course, Allan whips out his handy phone, and looks it up. He was so excited to go, so today, we went!

We took Jordan with us, because Cassie and Justin had to work, so it was a full van......well, we had one more seat (Just had to throw in there how awesomely awesome my van is!). The kids were excited to go, but they thought they were going to fly in the planes. Boy were they ticked when they found out we were only looking around at them. I went there, thinking it would be a lame museum, with maybe 2 planes and a bunch of models and pictures. NOPE! It was 3 hangers, and an outdoor area, FULL of planes. It was actually pretty awesome!

Allan with a P-40, or a "Flying Tiger"

As soon as we walked in, after paying a very inexpensive price for how many people we had, we were met with old cars, huge air planes, models of airplanes, so you can see the skeleton of it, and a ton of photographs! The kids were most impressed with the cars though (sorry honey!). Allan couldn't have been happier. It may have actually rivaled the birth of any of our children.

There were so many neat things, besides just the airplanes, there were old cars that were there from the WWII era. The kids REALLY loved those. They weren't supposed to open the doors, but they couldn't help but try. None of them can read yet, however Sarah is getting so good at it, but somehow they all saw the "Don't open the doors!" and that's all they thought about doing. Weird.

One thing I really loved, and thought was so fun, was that we were allowed to walk all the way around the planes, under the planes, and one time, inside the plane! The kids loved walking under it and seeing the landing gear and where it folds up. When they walked under the first few planes, Allan would show them where the bombs would drop out of. They all got under each plane and tried to figure out how it all folded up, and where the bombs would come from. Not to mention, it made for some super cute pictures. So mommy was pretty happy too.

Allan telling the kids all about the airplane......and the kids pretending to be interested

Another thing we enjoyed, next to a lot of the airplanes were models of them. I loved looking at them and seeing how the plane looks without all of the "skin" on it, as Sarah calls it. It was really cool to see how they were put together, not to mention, having Allan explain how each component helps the plane fly and stay in the air. I think that was one of Allan's favorite parts was showing the kids different parts of the airplane and telling them what it was.

Kids checking out a model of an airplane

Outside, there were some more planes and helicopters. They had one that was a plane that could go in the water (I'm a girl......so I don't know the names of all of these planes). The kids and I loved this plane, because it looked like a stingray, or a "Mr. Horray" (That's what the kids call Mr. Ray, from Finding Nemo), as the kids called it.

The loved the planes and helicopters outside. The loved walking under them, and exploring them. They especially loved the landing strip right next to the museum, watching the airplanes land and take off. HA! You just can't hold their attention on anything, when there are airplanes landing and taking off. Every time we saw an airplane land or take off, Taylor would throw his arms out and putter around, like an airplane. He loved to pretend to fly. It was pretty sweet.

Taylor flying next to the "Mr. Horray" plane

Checking out the insides of a helicopter

Lucas, Sarah & Jordan under another plane

Taylor checking out the underside. Mechanic in training.

Taylor pretending to be an airplane, and making the noises. He's so dang cute......and all boy!

A special thing to see was the exhibit of the Pearl Harbor attack. Allan had been writing a blog for his Grandpa Rogers. The family had found a journal of his experiences while in the military. He wrote everything that was in the journal, and Googled a lot of the accounts and found pictures of his boat, and found other people's accounts, and maps of places that his grandfather had talked about in the journal. It was neat to see all of these accounts in person, with pictures, uniforms, guns, videos and airplanes. It was really neat to be able to experience that.

Sarah reciting the pledge of allegance, in the Pearl Harbor room. She found a stage, and she took advantage.

Right in the middle of the Pearl Harbor exhibit, there were 5 model boats. I walked over and started taking pictures of them. They were done so exact. You could see that someone took a lot of time to make these boats look exactly like the real Navy ships, how they used to look. There was an older man standing there that told me all about them. He told me that there is a couple, a man and a woman, who got the plans from these Navy ships, and built them to exact Navy specifications. He told me it took this couple 20 years to make these 5 ships, plus one ship that is in the Smithsonian! I couldn't get over that. He told me that the husband would built the ships, and the wife would put in all of the details, like the guns, the antenna's, the railings, everything! I thought that was so stinkin cool!

A model of the same type of boat that Allan's grandpa was on

I think that Allan would say that his favorite things about the museum were, being able to walk inside of a B-17, and see everything, see the Corsair, and seeing his favorite airplane, the mustang. When we walked into the first hangar, he came around an airplane and saw the B-17 inside of the second hanger. He almost started jumping around, I swear. Then, when he saw everyone was able to go inside of it, he lost his mind. He couldn't get through the other planes fast enough. It was pretty dang funny. Because the boys were too little to go inside, he wanted to take Sarah. They definitely took their time going through it. When they came out, he couldn't stop talking about it, and neither could Sarah. Sarah really wanted to take me inside of the plane, so I went with her.

Sarah being a gunner in the B-17.....scary thought, huh?

When we walked inside of the hanger with the Pearl Harbor exhibit, Allan saw one of his favorite airplanes, the Corsair. We must have stood there for 10 minutes or more, while we watched him walk around the airplane and inspect every nook and cranny of the thing. I was so happy to see him so excited passionate about something, but as you can see on the kids' faces, in the picture below, we were starting to get a little bored. Finally, he came over to me, and kept telling me how he used to make model airplanes of the Mustang and the Corsair, all of the time, when he was kid. He was having a blast! I loved watching him get so excited.

Allan and the kids with the Corsair

Finally, the kids' favorite parts of the whole museum was the play area that they had set up next to the B-17. They had the front of an airplane sitting there, that the kids could go in, sit in the cockpit, play with the control panel and pretend to fly their friends around. Next to it, they had the front half of a helicopter, with the same general idea as the airplane. That was Luke's favorite part. He LOVED the helicopter. Finally, there was an old fire truck sitting there. Allan could resist. He made all of the kids sit in the firetruck, with Jordan driving, because he said that Justin needed a picture of his son driving a firetruck (Justin, my brother-in-law, is a firefighter for Colton).

Luke, in the back of the airplane, while Taylor and Sarah were pretending to fly. I think he wanted out.

Taylor flying the airplane

Luke, finally, getting out of the helicopter, so the other kids could play

Jordan in the fire truck

The kids playing with a statue outside of the museum. I couldn't help it, it was so dang funny!

It was a pretty neat day. The museum was so huge, and really really cool! I'm glad my husband pushed us to go there. It was so cool to have that experience with the kids, and have the opportunity to educate them about the family they come from, with some of the actual items for them to see and touch. 

We ended the day getting the kids a treat at a soft serve yogurt place. Do you know how neat it is to be sitting at a restaurant, at a table with just you and your husband, and the kids are sitting at another table, quietly, eating their food, like good kids??  It's pretty much the best thing EVER! We actually had a conversation that didn't have anything to do with them......and they were sitting right there! 

Jordan, Sarah, Taylor and Lucas eating their yogurt.........quietly.

My Love

Last night, Allan and I were doing our nightly laying in bed and chatting about the day we had. Last night was an extra good chat. Allan told me about a conversation he had with a co-worker, about marriage. He told me that he felt like we are closer and so much more in love than we were before we had Ellie. We appreciate each other so much more.....not that we didn't have that love and appreciation before, but it is so much greater now.

In every bad situation that occures, there is a positive that CAN be found, if you're willing to look for it. Right now, the positives that have been found, for me, are the strength of the love for my husband, the appreciation of all of my children, and the love of the Savior. I am grateful to feel my husbands amazing love for me, just from his encompassing hugs and sweet kisses. As I watch my children play, I can't help but think about the amazing blessings I was given, in order to have them, and the love that was taken to create them. I am grateful for the testimony that I have allowed myself to freely find, and strengthen. I am, indeed, grateful for the quietly answered prayers and the amazing experiences I've been allowed to have with my youngest daughter. I appreciate the glympses that I have been able to have, of her existence, past and present.

While at times, days are hard, hours are difficult and minutes are tough, I am grateful for all of the difficulty, because without them, I would never know and appreciate the goodness all around me.

Happiness Interrupted

I know this is out of order, but if I wait to post it, I'm afraid I'll lose it.....well, not lose it, cause that would be nice, but it'll manifest into something else, so I need to write it down, before it turns into a different feeling.

While we were on our trip to Palm Springs, we got the call that Cecilia's water broke, but that she was having light contractions, but they would get strong, and then fade again. She had decided to have a home birth, so her midwife and her, assumed, in a few days they would have a baby. The few days that we waited were terrifying for me. I know that her labor was agonizing for her, and definitely terrifying. Having a 55+ hour labor will do that. I was afraid for them that something would happen, and I kept asking if they were checking the heart beat, to make sure the baby was doing ok and all that.

While we were at Sea World, we got the phone call that the labor was not progressing, and it was just getting too exhausting and hard on poor Cecilia. Lincoln, Cecilia and her midwife decided it was time to go into the hospital and get the epidural, pitosin and be comfortable. I got so nervous again for them! I felt terrible that the plan that Cecilia and Lincoln wanted so much, just didn't work out. Not to mention that she had to labor for so long (and that girl was in some pain!!).

We went to the last showing of the Shamu show when Allan got a phone call that Cecilia had a healthy baby girl. She was 7lbs, 15 oz.....I think.....and 18 inches long. She was named Lilia Rogers (at first. Later, I got a text from Cecilia saying that she made Lilia's middle name Taylor, so that we'd both have a piece of TC in each of our families.). Allan handed me the phone and talked to Becky as she told me about the baby and the birth, and I acted happy, and I was, for them, but inside, I was crumbling. I was dying. I was thinking about the birth of my baby girl. My mother and Becky were in the room with me. I felt like Cecilia was able to give Becky what I couldn't. Becky sounded elated at the new addition to our family, and couldn't wait to tell us everything. But I couldn't help but think of how she was when she met my little girl, and how sad she was that our little bundle wasn't crying, and wasn't moving, and that she wouldn't be coming home with us. We wouldn't be able to watch her grow.

As I looked back at my birth experience, I felt like I let my family down, and Cecilia was able to do what I couldn't do. She was able to give birth to a happy healthy baby girl, and I was defective. I felt so conflicted inside. How could I feel so happy for them, yet so jealous of them all at the same time?!

Allan hung up the phone, and looked over at me. I tried to put on a brave smile, but he saw through it. He reached around Luke, who was sitting between us, and put his hand on my shoulder, and then onto my back and rubbed it. I could feel that he was thinking almost the same thing I was. We were jealous of them. We missed our daughter. All I kept thinking was, "Tomorrow is Ellie will have been gone for 2 months. I'm glad that she wasn't born on that day."

That evening, I picked up my phone, to check my email and saw that I had a voicemail. I called my voicemail, and heard that the first one was from Becky. She had tried calling my phone first, before calling Allan's. She told us that everyone was fine, and the baby is healthy, along with the weight and the measurements. In the background, I could hear little Lilia crying her sweet newborn cry. I broke down. I turned the phone off, without deleting the message. I just couldn't delete that message, with that wonderful sound in the background. I wanted to hear that sound so badly. I wanted to hold my baby, but I can't.

Over the last few days, I've been thinking about this more and more. 2 days ago, I met Lilia for the first time, when I brought dinner over to the new parents. It was awkward at first, when I walked in and the baby was laying on Ceclia's lap sleeping. They had told me how she hadn't been sleeping well and been feeding every hour. Finally, Lincoln asked if I wanted to hold her. My first reaction was to say no, but I didn't want to run away now, and regret not doing it. So I held the sweet little Lilia. She was tiny, and adorable. She has Cecilia's mouth and hands, and Lincoln's everything else. Lincoln had me sit in his new "man chair", and I just sat and rocked her, chatting with them and trying to make light, all the while, studying her and memorizing her. I was looking to see if she looked anything like my Ellie. She didn't.

I finally gave the baby back to her parents, and told them that I had to leave, because it was getting late. I left and got in my car and turned on my music. I saw that I had a voicemail and a missed call from my Young Women's president. I didn't listen to the voicemail, I just called. I just wanted to talk......about anything.......forever. I didn't want to give my mind the satisfaction of thinking about Ellie. I didn't want to think about her and cry and get down on myself, so I just wanted to talk. My poor Amy (YW President). I feel like I do that to her a lot. I feel like I am just one big drama ball, and that I'm dumping everything on her, when she probably doesn't want to know, HA! Who would? I didn't care. I just wanted to run away from my feelings for a minute.

Over the next few days, I haven't been able to think of anything else. I keep getting down on myself, that I'm a failure....that God is punishing me, because I'm a terrible mother for not protecting her when I felt like maybe things were not ok. I felt like I wasn't righteous enough, and that's why he was punishing me. I felt like every thing that I wasn't doing right, is the reason that I couldn't keep my daughter. I wasn't good enough.

Yesterday, we went to a wedding for a family member in St. George. I walked into the reception, and there weren't many people around. We said our congratulations to the bride and groom and walked around for a minute. I found Allan's cousin, Brittney. She is just the sweetest, greatest person ever. Well, maybe not ever, but I just love being around her. She's just fantastic. I talked to her for a bit, and then Allan and I went inside, where she said she'd see me as soon as she was done taking pictures for the couple. As we walked inside, we saw a big table where his family was sitting. We sat down with them, after getting a little bit of food, and I just felt awkward. I felt like people wanted to ask me how I was doing, but they just couldn't, so they didn't say anything. Everyone that came up to us, to say hi, I could feel that in them. They wanted to know how I was, they just didn't know what to say, so they didn't say anything. At one moment, Allan gave his seat to someone, so he came and stood behind me, but his hands on my shoulders and kissed my forehead. I told him, "I am supposed to have a baby here, that the family is goo-ing over." I felt like I let them down too.

Finally, Brittney came in, and sat herself down next to me. I kept thinking, as she was sitting there, "Why does everyone get to have girls, but me? She is having twin girls! Cecilia just had a baby girl. Why don't I get mine?" Even though I was thinking that, I was so happy she sat with me. She doesn't know it, but I was having a terrible time, thinking of Ellie, and she really lightened the mood for me.

I was told by Becky, that Kim had called or emailed, asking if we had received a necklace that her, Sherri and Brittney had bought for me. I felt terrible. I had received it about a month ago, but I kept forgetting to call them or send them a thank you note. Allan went and talked to her first and then I did. She was so sweet and forgiving. What a thoughtful person. I hadn't talked to her much before that night, but I'm so glad I did. She seems so genuine and loving. She told me that they think about me all of the time, and wish they could help me. Kim said that they read the blog, and are always amazed that I'm able to write it all down and deal with things as well as I am......so she thinks. HA! It was so nice to be honest about things and talk about everything, without anyone feeling awkward. I greatly appreciated that moment. As we left, I still had a nagging feeling that some people were avoiding talking to me much, because they just didn't know what to say to me. However, unfortunately, it made me feel like I had the plague. Like they were embarrassed of me, or didn't want to be around me. It made everything feel worse for me. So, that small conversation with Kim, was a nice interruption of that.

On our way home, Kelsey and Becky came home with us. Becky sat in the front with me and we chatted and chatted the whole way home. It was a nice reprieve from the thoughts. I felt like we hadn't talked like that in a very long time, and I really enjoyed it. I just love her so much.

Today, Allan stayed home from church with Taylor, and I took Sarah and Luke. I couldn't get my darling Ellie out of my mind, and everything that has happened over the last few days. It was fast and testimony meeting, and I wanted to get up and bare my testimony, however, I didn't. I felt like everyone is so sick of me, I didn't want to bring more on. How unhappy I was in the moment, I wanted let everyone know that I have been strengthened by my Heavenly Father, during this difficult time. I wanted to tell my Heavenly Father that I love him for giving me those sweet moments with my daughter, Eleanor, when I am having my hard times, allowing her to come and comfort me, and allowing me to know that she is indeed there, and loves me, and is waiting for me. I am so grateful for prayer and for my visiting teachers, and for my calling. I couldn't have gotten through this experience without all of those things. I wanted to get up and say all of that and more, but I just couldn't bring myself to put myself in front of everyone, feel that, "Oh no, this is going to be depressing" look, and try to get all of that out. I was scared. So I just kept it in. But the more I kept it in, the more I thought about her, and the more I got teary. I wanted to get up and go into the bathroom and compose myself, but I couldn't. I was alone with my children. So I sat there and swallowed hard, a lot.

Gospel Doctrine came along, and it was worse. I wanted someone to just walk up and hug me so badly and let me cry, but who would? No one knew I was hurting so badly at that moment. So I sat there, with my head down most of the class time. I acted like I was listening, but unfortunately, I couldn't help but think about why I failed again. I wanted to stop feeling this way. I hate feeling like this, and people that I tell that to, tell me, "Just stop! At some point, you have to!" I can't! Don't you think I would if I could?! But I can't. I want my life to be different, but it's not. I want it all to go away, but it won't.

Finally, Young Women's was next. I sat there quietly, mostly. I talked to Sister Hunt for a bit, asking about how her family was doing, since they'd been sick recently. I just wanted it all to be over, so I could go home and crawl under the blankets, and cry, and never come out again. I didn't want to talk, or make jokes with anyone. I just wanted to be to the point, get my crap done and get out of there........but deep inside, I really wanted to sit in a corner and just bawl.

Tonight, sitting here writing this, I feel kind of alone. There are only a few people that I know, that understand how caotic I feel right now. One minute I'm fine, and I can think about her, and it doesn't effect me like this, but then another minute, I'm down for the count because of it. I hate it! I feel like I'm out of control with my feelings, but there's nothing I can do. Just give it time, is all I can do. I feel like I'm burdening my friends all of the time, talking to them about this stuff, so I just don't anymore. I talk to Allan about it, but he's so busy with work and side work, that I even avoid him with the subject, unless he brings it up first. I just don't want to add more to everyone's plate of problems. I don't want to be a problem, so I just won't say anything.

Tonight, I'm not ok. I'm very much not. But I'm hoping that tomorrow is a better day, and I can feel somewhat ok again.

Palm Springs, Day 2

Today, we went to the Zoo here in Palm Springs! We decided to forego the San Diego Zoo, and just do this zoo instead. It was pretty good!

Allan and I took all 4 kids by ourselves first, and Cassie was going to meet us there. She had some errands to run first. As soon as we got there, the whining began. Everyone was hungry. So again, Cassie had made some PB&J's for the kids and so we found a bench and let the kids eat their lunch.

Luke enjoying his Oreo, because he ate his sandwich like a big boy.

Taylor has had a wicked bad cold for a few days, but he seemed ok enough to go to the zoo......so being the awesome parents that we are......we drug his tiny butt there. He spent most of the time in the stroller and being held by daddy. Daddy sure got a work out, that's for sure. 

Next up was the bird habitat, thingy. It was a huge mesh tent, put up in between a ton of palm trees. Cassie said that usually in between a huge grove of palm trees, there will be a natural spring. In Palm Springs (HA! The name of the city. I just caught on!), palm trees grow on the fault line and usually there are springs that come up.

Anyways, we all walked in, I carried Taylor, and there were birds everywhere. Taylor kept pointing, and patting his legs, saying, "Come on bird, come here!" They didn't. He really loved the birds. Right as we got inside, Jordan, Cassie's son, had to go potty. He tried to whip it out, and pee in the little creek running through the habitat. Luckily, Cassie directed him out of there, and into a nearby bush, so to relieve himself.

Right outside of the exit, there was a spring, in between all of the palm trees! The kids were more interested in that then the dang bird tent. They thought that there were frogs in the water making it bubble up, like it was. That's what Luke kept saying anyways. It was pretty dang cute.

As we walked along the paths, to get to the next exhibit, I kept looking up, counting the kids constantly, making sure that we had them all, and that some random lizard didn't drag them off to their dens. A few times, I looked up, and saw Jordan and Luke holding hands, running up the path. They just loved hanging out together, and running and saying totally random things to each other, that made the other laugh.

Random cute picture of Sarah and Allan. She was being pretty cute........right there. HA!

Why didn't anyone tell me that I looked incredibly fat in that outfit. Ugh!

As we were walking out of the reptile habitat and where the lions were sleeping, we came upon a carousel! Random, but very welcomed! The kids were all getting tired and whiny, so this gave them a minute to relax and have a little bit of fun on a ride........not to mention the wicked cool Star Wars music that they were playing, so then daddy was happy too. Taylor totally loved his wart hog he got to ride on. He wouldn't hold on to the pole very much. He held on to it's ears mostly. Luke was super stoked to be able to ride on a leopard! I'm not sure why, but that just made his day, and he swore he was going faster than anyone else..........because leopards are faster, you know.

After the carousel ride, we found the kids play house, thing. It was pretty neat. As we walked in, there was a nice old man who showed Sarah how to make sand tornado's. She was totally into that. The boys didn't care about anything, except this carpeted mountain that they could climb up, and either roll or slide back down it. The boys really loved that.

Probably, the coolest part of the zoo, I think, was the butterfly habitat you got to walk in. I, however, at the time, was not too keen on the idea. I don't care what kind of bug it is, nice or not, I DON'T LIKE IT. I will cry. But, I decided to be a good mom and go in.........mainly because I knew Allan wouldn't take pictures. SHH! 

Sarah holding a butterfly

Jordan holding a butterfly

As we walked into this place, and after we were given instructions on how to walk into the other area, without letting butterflies out, we walked into the second room, where all of the butterflies were at. There was a neat older lady, who happened to be holding a butterfly. She asked our kids if they wanted to hold it. They all did, except for Luke. He was a little scared. Who could blame him? Sarah LOVED everything about this place. The place was covered in flowers, and butterflies were flying everywhere. She thought it was full of magic faeries. It was adorable. She felt pretty special when a butterfly landed on her shoe. She said that it chose her, because she was wearing pink. HA! At the same time that I was taking a picture of that, a butterfly landed on my toe (I was wearing flip flops). I lightly yelped, and tried to shake it off of my foot. I felt slightly stupid, but most of the time, I didn't care. HA! Stupid butterfly.

The whole time we were there, the zoo had these random vending machine's placed around. We found one, and got Allan and I a drink to share. The kids were whining the whole time, that we didn't get them one. So finally, Allan, being the marshmallow he is, gave in, and tried to buy a drink for them to share. Every one of these machines he would go to, none were working! He tried about 7 machines and none would work. The kids were really upset with him. They got so excited when they'd find a vending machine, but then walk away, scowling, because he couldn't get it to work.

3/4 of the way through the trip, finally, Taylor bit the dust. He was so tired, and he just couldn't help himself anymore. He fell asleep in the most uncomfortable position ever! Protecting the family jewels.

In the end, the trip was a gigantic success! Everyone had a wonderful time, and we got some more exercise. 

.......................And, Allan finally got the drink. Win!

Later that night, after we got home, Cassie wanted to go out with me. I had a blast. We went to the mall, found some new flip flops for me, replaced my old Oakley's (totally missed them!!) and went to Cheesecake Factory, and made fun of the waiter. He was incredibly friendly, and open to sharing his whole life with us! HAHAHA! We ended the night by harassing Heather, Allan's cousin, and then headed home. Allan was so sweet to stay home, by himself, with all 4 kids, while we went out. I just love him!

So far, we are having a great time!

Palm Springs, Day 1

Today is day 2 of our visit to Indio, which is a city just outside of Palm Springs, California. My beautiful sister and her family live here.

We arrived here Thursday night, at about 11p. The kids were all pooped, but SO excited to be here. They couldn't wait to sleep in the same room with their cousin Jordan. Jordan was already asleep, so we put them to bed and let Taylor stay up a few more minutes. He was not in any mood to sleep, so he stayed up with us for a little bit and just RAN!

The next day, we woke up and decided to go on the tram, up to the mountains. This tram is a car that is suspended on a cable, like a pulley system. As one car comes down, it pulls the other car up. It holds about 80 people in it. This was NOT on my list of fun things to do. I HATE heights. I think I've seen Cliff Hanger one too many times. HA! The inside of the car rotates around, so if you stand still, you'll rotate around to see everything! The kids were not good at this concept. They all were holding on to the railing along the windows, and as it would rotate, they would just keep holding on to the window and follow it around, pushing people out of the way as they went. We weren't worried too much, with 60 people on the car with us. We figured we'd find them again as it rotated around, haha!

We reached the top of the mountain, without any tear shed from me, and there was SNOW!! It was more icy snow, but snow none the less. We found the trail that went down into a valley for the kids to play in the snow. It was really cute, because there was a tiny creek running through it. The kids were a little obsessed with throwing every pine cone they could find into it. It was kind of amazing how many pine cones they found.

Allan, the mountain man

My sister made PB&J's for the kids to eat while we were up there, so we found a little picnic table for them to sit at, and they all ate their yummy sandwiches, preparing for the amazing journey back up the mountain.

Jordan, Sarah, Lucas & Taylor, along with my sister, Cassie

Cassie, lookin' cute

We got home, and laied all the kids down for a nap. They slept soooo well. While they slept, we went to get fixin's for chicken friend steak, my all time favorite meal.

That night, Cassie made chicken fried steak, milk gravy, mashed potato's, and corn. It was sooooo yummers.  That was a nice ending to a great first day!

Happy Birthday Luke!

Today, March 16, 2011, my little Lookie Bookie turned 4 years old! After the horrible, terrible events of yesterday that I had, I really needed, and wanted, today to be a fabulously wonderful day for him. I needed to be into it for him, and make it as wonderful as I could for him. My poor boy gets over looked a lot, so I wanted to make sure it was great for him.

We started the day being woken up by the gardener (the new one). They put her new grass in, so that was a happy sight. We left the house, with the sight of the workers leveling our back yard. HORRAY! We left the house, and were on our way to the Mirage, to see the dolphins, at the Secret Garden. We decided not to go to Sea World for our family trip, because of cost. Luke was so sad, because all he wanted to do was to see the dolphins and pet a dolphin. I thought, a nice alternative, would be the dolphins at the Mirage. Cheaper and close to home.

We got there, and he was so upset, when he walked into a casino, and I kept telling him we were gonna see dolphins. He was ticked off at me, thinking that I'm a dang liar. All of the sudden, we wined up outside, in a line. He saw water from the pool, and thought we were going swimming. Again, he was disappointed to find out that we weren't. Finally, we enter the little park, he see's the pools and then the dolphins. He squeeled so big. He jumped, non-stop for almost 10 minutes. He got to sit on the wall, around the pool, and he giggled so big, every time they swam next to us. He just wanted to touch them so bad, he could hardly contain himself. So.......I decided it was time to have some glass in between them, so we went down stairs and let him look at them up close. However, he got down there, Allan picked him up, and stood him on the ledge  where the glass was, and a dolphin speeds right by him, and he screamed loudly, which scared Taylor, and neither one of them would go near the glass again. It was pretty dang funny.

Luke and I stayed down below, while Allan, Sarah and Taylor went back up above. After about 10 minutes, he STILL didn't want to go above. Allan and the kids came down stairs for us to come back up. We sat by the pools some more and watched the trainers with the dolphins, feeding them and teaching them things. The kids, Luke especially, were just mesmerized.

We decided we were done with dolphins, so we took the kids to see the tigers and lions. They were less interested in those, mostly because they loved the dolphins, and because they were hungry. Allan and I decided it would be fun for the kids to bite the bullet, and let the kids eat at the very expensive cafe there, so they could sit at the tables outside, right next to the pools, where the dolphins are at. So they ate their hot dogs, PB&J's and crackers, and occassionally jumped up to go watch the dolphins do something cool, and then came and sat back down to eat.

I remember, sitting at the table, across from my amazing, loving husband, and I couldn't help but think, "What an amazing city we live in! This cost us about 1/8 the amount it would've cost us to go to Sea World. By the time the kids were done with this place, there was nothing else to see!" I couldn't be more grateful for the amazing place I get to live in. We have almost everything there is to see or do, in a 30 mile radius. It's fantastic! Not only that, I was thinking, "Look at my boy. He's 4 today. He's such a great boy. All of my kids are great! My husband is the best, strongest, most loving man I've ever known. Even through tragedy, we keep goin. We take the hits, learn from them, and get stronger. I don't know what I did in the pre-existence to get to be together here on earth, but whoever I paid off, kept their end of the deal."

After the fun day at the Mirage, in the gorgeous weather we were blessed with, the boys and I took Sarah to school. She was so excited to tell her friends where she just came from. She was bouncing up the walkway, and just couldn't get there fast enough. After that, we went to pick up the balloons for Luke's party. We came home, took naps (only Taylor took a nap. Luke is just too awake, ugh.). We got up, picked up Sarah, got Luke's cake and came home and cleaned and decorated!

As soon as we got home, Luke asked if he could go upstairs and play games on the computer. He bounded upstairs and stayed up there, playing his game for about 45 minutes. Sarah went up to watch him, and Luke went outside to play. I decorated the downstairs for his party. Sarah came downstairs and saw it, and went upstairs to get Luke to show him. He came downstairs, and his eyes got huge. He just LOVED everything. That made my day. He was so excited at the balloons, and banners and everything! It was so sweet. He ran up and hugged me, and told me he loved me, and then asked for a "tiss" (what he calls a kiss). I just love him. He's so appreciative of everything that is done for him.

The night went well enough. Everyone was late, which I knew they would be. It was pretty relaxed. Biaggio gave us 3 pizza's from his amazing pizza restaurant. It was just about all fabulous. It was great for him, he loved it. He felt so special and loved, and that's what I wanted.

I am so blessed by family. I couldn't have had a better day, with my sweet birthday boy. I'm a lucky lady to have the wonderful family that I have. I love them all.

Something Positive Today

While today started out poorly, emotionally, I responded to a photo comment that was left on one of my pictures on Facebook. It was from Rhonda, my OB's nurse. I read her comment and I just couldn't help but feel so blessed by the people that have been around me, the nurses and doctors that have worked so hard for me.

Last week, Allan and I went out on a date. We went to Cafe Rio and who did we run into? Tammy McCann! My nurse from Summerlin Hospital, that was with me when I had Ellie. She really made all of the difference for my experience. She helped me make decisions that I was really unable to make with a clear head. She gave us perfect advice, and cried with us when we had to leave the hospital. Not only all of that, she is a fantastic hugger. I had been wondering about her since we left the hospital. I know she said she'd call when the hand and foot prints came in, from Ellie, but I hadn't heard from her. I wanted to talk to her, just to see how she is. I'd hoped to run into her at the store or something, since she lives right by me, but I never did.

When I came up to her, she turned around and got a huge smile on her face and just hugged me. Funny thing is, is she said the same thing about me. She said she had been wondering about us, and wanted to see how we were. She wanted to look back in the records and get our number or something, but just never did (since it's illegal, I think HA!) I wished she had. She said she'd call me and we'd get together or something. I hope she does. She is just an amazing lady. I don't know how we would've gotten through that tragedy without her holding our hands.

This week, I went to see my doctor. When Rhonda called me back, I loved that she just hugged me first. She is so sweet. She has always been so funny. Talking to her, during every appointment I've had with Dr. Dalley, I can just tell that she is a spitfire, and totally spunky. I just love it. She's so easy to chat with, and if given the chance, I'm pretty sure we could talk each other's ear off. Every time I've had a question or a concern, she is so helpful and really wants to help you. When I went to my appointment on Wednesday, I was so nervous, and a little down. Her hug really made me feel a lot better.

Dr. Dalley, I've gushed about previously. I just love her. I can't say enough great things about her. I trust her completely and I know she's always trying to do her best for me.

I guess, I'm so grateful for all of the special people that have been helping me and my family through this terrible ordeal. They have all, in their own way, made things a lot easier. When TC passed away, I wrote into the unit that he was in, and thanked all of the staff for their amazing efforts and kindness towards my family. I know they were suprised to hear a thank you, since all of their efforts couldn't save him. But all of the kindness they showed to my family, made that transition so much easier. They became part of our family.

There is a special quality in people that are nurses, technicians, paramedics and EMT's, firefighters and police officers. Most of the time, doctors get the praise, when something goes right, but everyone else gets the brunt of the anger when things aren't going the way they want them to. These special people take the emotions that people throw at them, and still keep a smile on their faces. They work so hard, and I feel like they don't get enough acknowledgement for the hard work that they do. For my experience, I appreciate every one of them......except for the last guy who took my blood, right before I went home......he was an idiot. A laughable idiot. HAHA!

Anyways, I just wanted to write a quick blurb about what I had been thinking about. When I go back to read these things, I want to know that there was some good going on in my brain, not just doom and gloom. haha.

I Want To Be Okay

The last few days, I have not been ok. I have been waking up filled with anxiety, and completely emotional. I have been missing my baby so terribly lately, and have really been beating up on my self this week.

All week, starting Monday, I have had anxiety like I've never had before. I feel like my nerves are going to come out of my legs and stomach. I thought it was because of my doctors appointment coming up, but  turns out that wasn't completely it. On Wednesday, I went to my doctors appointment, and found out that they didn't have any results back in, because the hospital was taking their time doing everything. It crushed me. I was already a wreck earlier in the week, but that just devastated me. Everything just went wrong from there. Nothing earth shattering, just little stuff that piled up.

Thursday was the worst day. I woke up emotional and was crying all day long. I was so full of sadness that I couldn't help myself. I just wanted to run away and never come back. I felt like I was turning myself inside out. I couldn't stand myself anymore. I had no patience for anything, and felt depressed that day. I found that if I talked, I cried, so I just stopped talking. The weird thing was, I wanted to be left alone, but I needed a friend so badly. I needed to cry, and get a hug, and talk til I was blue in the face. But I didn't want to talk to anyone!

That night I had Young Women's activities. They had their last stake basketball game. I drove 2 of the girls to the activity. They knew something wasn't right when they got into the car and I had my angry music on. HA! Linkin Park's Hybrid Theory CD is on of my favorite cd's, especially when I'm not ok. hahaha. Lucky for me, one of the girls really loved it.

When we got there, I wanted to curl up into a ball and sit in the corner, so that no one could see me. I really didn't want to talk to anyone there. I walked in, with a huge fake smile on my face and stood in the back a smidge Ashley, our Young Women's secretary saw me, and we made small chit chat, and then she went inside. I saw Amy Bryan there, with her hair in pig tails and freckles painted on her face. She's a silly lady. I just love her. She really got into hings. So before she could see me, I walked down the basketball court and sat on the other end of the court in some chairs. I watched the game quietly, and by myself for about 3/4 of the game, Amy saw me, and came running over. I tried to let her know that I wasn't having a great day and wanted to be alone, but she wasn't buying it at first. Finally she did.

After the game, we all went out front and Amy took pictures of everyone and handed out otter pops. I just wanted to leave, but now I had 4 girls to take home. I waited and put on the happy face for pictures and in front of the girls. Finally, we could leave. I took all of the girls home and then I started on my way home. I pulled into the driveway, and then pulled right back out again. I didn't want to be there, so I pulled out and just drove around. I came home and left about 4 times that night. I just didn't want to go back there. I hated being there. I hated everything. My baby is supposed to be there, but she's not, so I didn't want to be there. I finally came home and stayed put, but stayed quiet.

Friday came around. Same kind of day as Thursday. My doctor called me that afternoon and told me that she got the results of the blood work. They told her that the dang blood guy didn't draw enough blood in the hospital, to find out if I have that clotting disorder that my sister has. So that test was inconclusive and I have to re-do it. Then, she said that the tissue sample that they took didn't create any new cells, so that test was inconclusive. She was upset for me, and I heard, "I'm so sorry that we don't know anything." I wanted to collapse and just bawl. I was so upset that I heard "I don't know" again. I'm so sick of "I don't know". I want to know anything. She asked me to come into her office, and draw the blood there, so we can get it done right.

Allan and I went out that night to dinner and we were supposed to go to a boxing match at Planet Hollywood, but of course, that fell through too, so we went and played pinball instead, and then went to Biaggio's for desert. I just wasn't having any fun, and neither one of us were doing very well at pinball. When we went to Biaggio's, he asked how I was doing, with the head tilt. It wasn't an upbeat "How are you doing", it was a sympathetic head tilt one. Then he proceeded to tell me that I looked gorgeous and looked like I was getting a little pep in my step again. I was a good liar, I guess. We came home, sent the babysitter home, and then got into bed. We watched a movie, and then I bawled......again.

I am getting frustrated. I am so tired of "I don't know". I want an answer. I desperately want to hear something, because for me, I feel like it's my fault. If I have an answer, then I can stop blaming myself. I feel like everyone wants me to be over it, and tells me that I can CHOOSE my emotions. I can CHOOSE to be over this. Really?!

I feel like I have to put on a happy face because if I don't, then I get the head tilt, "how are you doing" look. I hate that look. I don't have many people that I feel comfortable enough to cry in front of, and have the emotional breakdown that I so desperately deserve, so I just don't. I do a lot of hard gulps, instead of crying. I keep telling myself, "If I keep lying, saying that I'm OK, then soon, it'll be true. My lie will become the truth."

Truth is, I'm not ok. I want her so badly. I hate when Allan and I talk about something good that happened, and I always think, "BUT, Eleanor wasn't there." There's always a BUT, when it comes to good stuff. Last night, as I was crying, and Allan was holding me, and crying too, I kept thinking about her hair. Her soft, black, wavy hair. I just wanted to stroke her hair again. I wanted to feel her, but I can't. Then I felt bad for my other children, that I don't give them the same emotional space, that I give her.

Allan got out of bed for a minute, so I got up and decided I needed to take care of a little tooth fairy business, for Sarah. I walked in her room, and couldn't help it. I crawled into bed with her, and stroked her hair, and listened to her breath. It was the best noise ever. She moved in closer to me, and I felt her breath on my neck, and could hear her breath so clearly. I couldn't help but think about Ellie, at the hospital. I never heard her breath. I never smelled her sweet baby breath smell. She wasn't a warm, sweet, wiggly baby, that stretched every time you picked them up. I layed there with Sarah, snuggling her. I loved her so much. I thought about how hard I've been on her, and I felt so bad that she always takes the brunt of it. I wished I didn't let her down, and that I could give her a baby sister. But I can't.

I am trying so hard to do what I know is right, and trying so hard to feel ok. But this week, I feel like I'm not lying well enough. I just want this all to stop so badly. I want to stop feeling my stomach, every time a pregnant woman comes around. I want to stop feeling hatred and anxiety when I see a woman who has a baby or who is pregnant. I just want everything to stop, so I can be by myself for a while. But it never does. The whole situation is cruel. I want one good thing to happen, but when one good thing happens, the wind gets knocked out of my sails by something devastating. I'm trying so hard to find the lesson in everything, and to find the positive in everything, like I always do, but it's really getting tougher for me.

I just want to be ok. I want this all to go away. I want to know why this happened to me. What did I do?

Doctor's Appointment

I went to the doctors today. It was not as eventful as I would've hoped. I wanted to hopefully, get some answers. But it turns out, there are no answers to be had.

I arrived at the doctors office, with Allan not far behind me, and signed in. I sat down and noticed everyone around me. There was a woman who was very largely pregnant, a woman and her husband who just found out she was pregnant, so they were getting their first ultra sound. There was a family there, the parents and 2 other kids, for the 20 week ultra sound, waiting to find out the sex of the baby. There also was a woman who just had a baby, and brought the baby, and her husband, with them. I sat in the chair, put my head down and just waited. I felt like I had a sign on my forehead that said "Freak Here". I felt terrible. I hated them all for being so happy. Allan arrived, but it didn't help much. He sat next to me, on his phone and played some game on it. I tried to play a game on my phone, but of course lost. HA! I should've known from that. I wanted to run from there so badly and never come back.

Rhonda, Dr. Dalley's nurse, called me back. She shut the door behind us, and put her file on the counter and gave me a hug. It was so sweet of her. She took my weight and my blood pressure and then we moved into the room. I sat on the tall chair, table thingy and waited for the doctor. Dr. Dalley came in and sat in front of me and asked how I was doing. She kept apologizing to me that she didn't get there sooner and everything that happened and all of that. I felt so bad for her that she felt responsible. She wasn't.

She did the exam and did what she needed to do there. Then we got to ask her if we wanted to have more kids, what should we do before then. She said she wanted to do a full work up, blood work-up on me. I told her she ordered it in the hospital, so she looked back through the charts and didn't have any results, so she said she was going to call the hospital and see if they had them. She also said that she'd like me to wait a bit. Not a year or anything like that, but maybe 6 months. She said I needed time to heal, not physically, but mentally. That wasn't in my plan, but maybe she's right. We really wanted to know the blood work results before any of that.

She talked to me about possibilities of what could've happened. She said she was expecting to see a cord around the neck or something like that, but there wasn't anything. She said a possibility is that there could've been a blood clot in the cord, and in that case, there was nothing anyone could do. So she wanted to test me for a blood clotting disorder, which my sister has. According to my doctor, it very much, could be a hereditary thing, so I could have it if she does. In that case, I would be on baby asprine.

After that conversation, she told me to get dressed, she would go call the hospital about the blood-work results, and to stay put. So we did. Unfortunately, they faxed her over what she already had. It was kind of a blow. Her nurse came in and said that Dr. Dalley said that they would be bugging the hospital for them, and that she would call me, personally, when the results came in.

I walked out of the room, numb. I wish I had better news, or any news for that matter. But I don't. I saw Dr. Dalley standing there, and she apologized for not having the results. She said, again, what the nurse said. I gave her a hug and said thank you for everything. I love Dr. Dalley. Not as a doctor and all that. I just love her. She is such a genuine person, and so sweet. She cares about all of her patients, and wants the best for them. She cried with me when Ellie came, and kept telling me she was sorry. She was angry for us, that she didn't know what happened, and she was adamant about finding out what did happen. But I still don't know. And now, after all of this, and all of the talking about having another one, I can't even decide that, because I don't want to make an irresponsible decision and get pregnant when I have a problem and might need preventative medications. I may have no problem, and I can try when I want, but I feel like I'm making an uninformed decision, and I can't do that.

I left the office not knowing any more than I did when I went in. I worked myself up for this, and came out with nothing. Seems to be the trend now days. I feel so depressed and frustrated........I feel beat up. I'm trying so hard to stay strong and keep my head up and keep pushing forward, but today, it feels like it's getting harder and harder. I don't want to feel all of this anymore. I don't want to go through this anymore. But I don't get a choice. I never did. Hopefully, something will change soon, and something good will happen. I need it very much right now.

It's Almost Here

Tomorrow is a day that I am most nervous about, since losing Ellie. Tomorrow, at 10:00a, I have an appointment to see my OB/GYN.

Why am I so nervous?! I wish someone could answer that question for me. I know that I'm nervous because tomorrow I will be getting the blood work results back, from me, and the tissue sample results back from Ellie. I have convinced myself that those results wouldn't yield any results, except I'm normal. From her, the same. But there is a small part of me that is afraid that it will say I killed her. I did something wrong. Allan tells me that any news that comes will be devastating. I think he's right. I want an answer to this whole thing, so badly, but really......do I?

Another thing I think about is, this whole time, there has been no anger towards God, or anything like that. However, I'm afraid that I'll find that I'm angry with my doctor. Allan says it's understandable, and if it is, then why can't I understand it? It makes no sense to me. Dr. Dalley has been nothing but wonderful. She delivered my boys and Ellie. She has always taken care of me, and listened to me and done everything I wanted her to do. She has counselled me and helped in areas of my life that were unexpected. However, I am afraid that she will tell me she missed something. I am afraid she will say, "You were so far along, I didn't think this would cause you any harm." or something like that. I do not want to be angry with her. She did NOTHING wrong........I have to keep telling myself that.

Not just those things, but during this appointment, it WILL come up, the point of Allan and I may want to try again. The last few weeks, I have been thinking a ton about this. Everyone has been voicing their opinion. I am always told that I will know when it's right, if it's right, however, everyone is telling me I'm not ready yet.......if Allan and I are the ones that will know when and if it is right, then how do you have the right to tell me that I'm not ready. I know, I shouldn't talk to anyone but my husband and Heavenly Father about this issue, however, I can't help it. But, I'm afraid she will say the same thing. She only wants what's best for me, as does everyone else, but we will know for us.

Today, I was playing with the kids, which rarely happens, and it was such a great day. I noticed this and my first thought was, "I couldn't do this with a newborn. I couldn't have this experience if I had a newborn". How terrible. I went in the bathroom and I cried. I felt so bad that on one hand I miss her terribly, that I can hardly stand it, but on the other hand, I'm grateful for the extra time with my kids. What?? That does not make sense. I feel guilty for those thoughts. Allan says that it's just me trying to find the positive side of things. I'm good at that, but I am feeling guilty for that.

It is 12:20am, and I am writing this, sick to my stomach, because I'm so nervous to find out what is going to happen tomorrow. What news the doctor has for me, my family, and my future. I am nervous that she will have no news, and it is just a fluke and nothing is wrong. It's not a fluke! I had her and lost her for a reason. I have to remember that. There is a purpose for everything.

So, we will see what tomorrow brings.

Well.....Better Than Yesterday

Today was a bit better than yesterday. We got up for church and we were just about on time. We were about 5 minutes late, but because of some confirmations of new members in the ward, we had to wait in the foyar until they were done. BUT WE WERE THERE! HA!

Gospel Doctrine was amazing today. Brother Powell taught about faith. The part of the lesson that really caught me was when he talked about having faith and prayer. He talked about having faith is everything when it comes to prayer. It hit me hard because I have had the hardest time praying. I feel like, when I pray, it is begging for sanity. I feel so out of control, in my head some days, and I try to pray, however, it turns into begging for some sanity in my head. I always pray for my head to feel clear and calm, but it never is. I want to feel like I am not at fault for my daughters death, but I don't. I feel comfort in some moments, but then it returns.

When Brother Powell explained the process of prayer, and how, even when you don't feel like you are saying the "correct" words, it is a big deal. It is complete faith, when it comes from your heart, even when it's as incoherent as mine. I FINALLY felt ok about my prayers. I felt strengthened by what he said, because I felt confident, that my testimony isn't as broken as I thought it was. My testimony has to be stronger than I thought, if through all of these hard times, with the death of my daughter, my own depression, and Sarah feeling like she can't trust me to protect her, because I didn't protect her baby sister, that I can remember to beg to the Lord to feel him there and to help me feel whole. During the rough time of our miscarriage, in the beginning of our marriage, I forgot that, I gave in to the weakness I was feeling, and forgot to ask the Lord for help. I didn't want to forget that this time, and I didn't. Every time I pray, I feel my daughter and my Father in Heaven, with me and comforting me. I feel that special girl, put her hand on my shoulder and say, "Mommy, I'm here. I love you." What a special experience I get to have, and I am forever grateful for that.

During that amazing lesson, however, there was a baby, that was starting to get fussy, so the poor dad was in and out of the room with her. There was one moment, when the baby was just jabbery. Allan leaned over to me and said, "I forgot about those noises that they make." I looked at his face, and he had tears in his eyes. My poor guy. I wanted to hug him and let him cry, but I couldn't, with everyone there. He wouldn't want to make a scene and both of us get up and leave. So I just held his hand tightly and put my head down and got teary with him. I love him so much. I wish I could take that pain from him. I hate to see him hurting, but I'm glad he told me what he was feeling in that moment, because sometimes, I feel like it's just me that's hurting, because we never feel it at the same time, and he's not home when he does feel it.

After the class was over with, I left my things in the Young Women's room, and walked into the bathroom and had a good, quiet cry. I had to go back into that room and teach these young ladies about family unity, and I felt like my family was falling apart that day. After a few seconds, I pulled myself together and walked back into the room. Of course, as I walk in, but who is there, waiting for a hug?? Sister Bryan. She hugged me and thanked me for an email that I sent her, that she thought was so sweet, and made her feel so good. I almost started crying again. I wanted to run away so bad and not come back.....but I didn't. I swallowed deeply and took a breath.

Finally, it was my turn to teach. I said what I wanted to say in the beginning, and then I was interrupted by the bishopric wanting to set apart Kimmie. While they were giving her the blessing, I couldn't help but think, what a special thing it was for her 2 older sisters to witness their baby sister being set apart and blessed for a calling she received. The Lord thought enough of their sister to receive a calling. I thought about Sarah and Ellie. Sarah won't see Ellie be set apart like that. Then I started to get teary again. Ugh. The bishopric left, and I sucked it up and continued. I'm not sure if the girls understood what I was trying to say, I hope they did. I was so scattered and not completely there, so I hope I did ok. I sure love them a ton, and I hope I was able to get something across to them.

We came home, and I sent Allan to bed, to help him feel less overwhelmed, rest, and not deal with the kids. I was able to get the kids to bed, clean the house a bit, and make the food for dinner that night. Allan woke up and he helped me a ton. He seemed to be feeling a little less emotional, and seemed a little less overwhelmed by work. I feel so badly for him. He does so much work, professionally, spiritually and for our family. He is such a great father and an amazing husband. I wish I could take all of this away from him and help him, but I can't. I love him, I want him to be happy.

So, my day wasn't fantastic, but it kind of was! I learned a lot today. I'm glad I'm writing it down, so that when I have another bad day, because it is going to happen, I can remember the amazing thing I learned about faith and prayer, as so eloquently taught by Brother Powell. I just love him and I love the spirit that he brings to everything he does. I'm so blessed to have him in my life, even a small part of it. He's an amazing man.

Today, Not My Best

Last night, before Allan and I went to sleep, we talked a ton about Ellie, and what we were thinking about the situation we're in now. We talked about, if we wanted to have another one, and everyone's opinions on the matter. Right before going to sleep, Allan said he wanted to take the kids to Red Rock in the morning. I went through with him, my schedule for the day, and told him I wanted to stay home and get the house cleaned and do laundry. He said that sounded perfectly fine.

The next morning, however, Sarah woke me up at 7:30a. I tried to wake up Allan, to take the kids to Red Rock, but he said he wanted to go in the afternoon instead.........which just set the day off. I knew he couldn't take them in the afternoon, because Sarah has dance class at noon, the boys have naps at 1p and then by the time they wake up and are in an ok mood, it's time to start making dinner. Not to mention, I had a baptism to go to at 3p.

So I went downstairs, got the kids their cereal, and then started cleaning and doing laundry, as I had planned. However, things came to a grinding hault when Sarah decided to spin her head and spit pea soup. Everything just ticked her off. And I mean to the 10th degree! This all started with Sarah asking, again, who will protect Ellie from the bad guys. I keep trying to explain to her that in Heaven, there are no bad guys. Everyone is good and happy and kind and loving. She then asked me how Ellie got out of her grave and got to Heaven. So I tried to explain about her spirit and her body, but the whole concept is way over her 5 year old mind. She didn't get it. The more I tried to help her understand, the more frustrated she got. Finally, in her huff, she told me that she's going to have to figure out how to protect Ellie. She said she's afraid for Ellie. We talked more about it, and it came to the point where I understood that she thought I didn't protect her little sister and that's why this has happened. So she feels like she needs to make sure that her sister is protected herself, since mommy didn't do it. She feels like she can't trust me anymore. I'm supposed to protect the kids and keep them safe and feel loved........in her mind.......I didn't do that.

After that awesome conversation, and my daughter screaming at me because I let Luke choose the movie, after she told me she didn't want to choose, I went upstairs to claim sanctuary in my bed. I got 1 minute of sanctuary, when my children came up the stairs. Allan woke up finally and made plans to take the kids still, now, but Sarah couldn't miss dance, because she's getting ready for a recital. Not only that, it was 11a, so there was no time for her to go and come back. Plus, if Allan left after lunch, they wouldn't be back in time for me to go to the baptism alone, so Sarah would have to come with me.

Everything changed. Allan changed my plans without even considering me. After that, the day went from bad to worse. I was feeling like a huge failure as a mother now, because my child doesn't trust me anymore. Then, my husband changes all of my plans without any thought. As the day went on, I was grumpier and shorter, not to mention Allan now being the same way and making it worse.

It's now, 11:45p. We haven't talked in 4 hours. I know I'm feeling crappy about Sarah, and what she feels about me, and me frustrated because I have no idea how to fix it, but I have no desire to tell my husband anything because of the crappy things he's been saying to me too. So much has happened today, too much to write about, and really, it doesn't matter. I guess I feel like a punching bag today.

On top of my winner of a day, my Young Women's president called me at 9p to remind me that I was supposed to teach tomorrow. The lesson is about creating unity in the family. Ugh. Good day for it, but not really, at the same time. I don't know how the lesson will go tomorrow, but it should be interesting. I'm hoping that somehow, I will figure out the bigger issue of Sarah's feelings. Hope some huge revelation comes my way soon.

Counseling........First and Last?

Yesterday, I went and saw a counselor, or as I call her, a crazy person doctor. I was nervous going in, because I wasn't sure what to expect from something like this. The last time I saw a counselor was when I was about 12......I think.....and it was a family counselor. He was an idiot, and I was a snotty kid, who didn't want to be there anyways. I had a big chip on my shoulder and I didn't care to talk about my parents getting a divorce.

I talked to my sister the whole way to the appointment. She had talked to a counselor for a long time. She LOVED going. She thought everyone should go see someone. When I told her the bishop gave me a number of someone to call, to help, she was so happy. On the way to the appointment, she told me not to expect much the first appointment. She said not to expect to be "fixed" on the first day, or to really feel much. I listened and agreed, however, as I got closer to the appointment, I couldn't help but have some hope deep down that this WOULD in fact help, and fix me. It was kind of like the feeling, when I had Ellie, that as I was pushing, I couldn't help but hope that when she came out, she would cry. When she didn't, it felt like I had heard the news for the second time, that she was dead.

I walked into the building, behind the DI, and walked across the very large waiting room. The receptionist greeted me quietly, and explained the paperwork I had to fill out. I sat down and started filling out the papers. I looked up and noticed a teenager, probably about 16 sitting there, with his mom. He had his earbuds in, listening to his Ipod. He didn't seem too happy to be there, and his mom seemed nervous. The whole time I was filling out the paper work, I was wondering why he was there. I couldn't help it. I thought of a ton of scenarios, but of course I have no idea why. Nosy, I know.

Finally, Bobby appeared. She was a short woman, maybe about 5'3, and seemed like she was in her 60's. Just by looking at her, with her long long nails, you could tell she was a spitfire. She brought me into a room, that was her small office, is what it looked like anyways. She told me to sit anywhere, so I sat in a small chair, next to her desk. It was made for a person her size, not for a woman who is 6'0 tall! HA! The first thing she asked me was about my family, my kids and my husband, how old they are and their names. Then she went into why I was there, losing my child. She wanted to know what happened that night and the whole story. I told her. I expected to cry telling her, but I didn't. I think I had told the story so many times that I am almost numb to it. It's telling how I'm beating myself up over it, that makes me cry.

I don't think I can go into everything we talked about, because I can't remember most of it. I do remember she told me 3 or 4 times, that there is nothing she can tell me, provided by the church that can let me know what Ellie is doing, and why she had to go, and what my relationship will be when I see her again. I don't even know when/if her spirit entered her body, so does it count?? Everything on that end of things, is still unanswered, which is frustrating. I have had my own experiences that confirm to me a few things, but I guess I wanted to hear it from someone else.

When I left the appointment, I was angry. I felt like I talked about the situation, got myself emotional, and in that place, and there was no resolve. I don't KNOW anything. It was frustrating. Part of me felt like I wasted my time. So, I called my sister again. She told me the same things again. She knew I would expect a fixer, and it didn't fix anything.

While talking to her, I realized, according to a professional, I am NOT crazy, and I am handling things perfectly. For whatever reason, that brought me some peace. Forcing myself to do everything asked of me, and putting myself in situations that will remind me of Ellie, and forcing myself to talk about it a ton, is good for me. Without it, I would be depressed and a wreck and I would just lay in bed and probably never eat again.

Will I go back to counseling.......probably not, unless I feel like I'm in a spiral of doom and gloom. But I'm glad I went. I tried it. I didn't really learn anything earth shattering about myself, and I don't really feel much better. But I do know I am on the right path.