1 Week Down........

Preface: If you are some Olympic runner, Nazi marathon runner, have run every day of your life since God was a boy, or anything under that category........keep in perspective that I have never run anywhere in my entire life. Once, I actually ran from a bug....but it was chasing me, and I had a baby on my hip, and dragging another one behind me. I was saving the lives of my children. It was pretty impressive, according to the German tourists that were watching this sight at Red Rock. Other than that one time, I don't do it. There has never been anyone chasing me with a knife or gun, so I felt no need for any type of exertion. So, this is a big deal for me! Just keep that in mind when you are reading, and laughing at my wimpiness. I would appreciate it. 

Well, I did it! I made it one week, following the schedule exactly! That was the hard part for me! I figured I would do this one or two times, and then......not do it again. HAHA! But nope! I pushed myself, and paid attention to myself, and I did it!

1 week down! Who thought I'd even do that?! Not me! HAHA!

So, here's what I've learned this week:

-I have learned that I like to run in the morning, before the day starts. I feel stronger. I feel happier. I am more patient. I am calmer. I just feel good about myself. I feel like I'm walking around with a sign on my shirt that says, "I just ran this morning. I hated it, but I did it. I even did it without a Dr. Pepper before hand. What did you do this morning, SUCKA!?" HAHA! I'm gonna maybe need to make that t-shirt, now that I think about it. HAHA! I ran a few times, at night, and I had a harder time focusing, and relaxing, because I was already so tired. I kept thinking of all of the things that needed to get done around the house before bed, and I started to cheat, and shorten my walks, runs or whatever. So, if I can, morning run on the treadmill it is!.....(hanging my head in disbelief) You were right Lisa.....

- I have learned that I can't watch the miles run, because that is defeating to me. I always think I've run farther than I have, and then I get so frustrated when I look down, and it's not what I was expecting....in fact, it's less. I pay attention to my time, instead. I keep a short term goal of, "Ok, I gotta run 2 minutes, so at 13 minutes, I can walk, then I have to start again at 15 minutes." I also have to do this 7 times, so I make a visual check list in front of me. I put a dot on the page, for each 2 minute run, so I can see that I'm half way done, or whatever. It works for me. So, time is more important to me, than miles.

- I have learned that it is TRUE! All of those nutty runners were actually right! I need to keep my arms bent, and my hands relaxed, with my arms close to my body. If my hands are relaxed, my whole body relaxes, and it just does what it needs to. If they are closed then I tense up, and I drag my feet, or tighten up, and I don't perform as well. Also, I've been trying to keep my head up, and my shoulders relaxed and down as well. I already have terrible balance, so if I start looking around, I'm all over the place. But if keep my head up and work on keeping my shoulders down and back, I can keep a pretty good pace, and I don't look like a drunk guy running from the cops. HA! The only problem I'm having now is getting sweaty.....I really don't want my arms close to my sides when I am sweaty. LOL! I gotta find a way around that, because it's gross feeling. HA!

- I have learned that it is important to breath. HAHAHA! Seems dumb, right? No! I freaking hold my breath, or my breaths get shallow when I run! I have noticed that when I'm getting tired, or feel like I can't do 30 more seconds, if I breath deep, and blow it out, it's like a second wind! I can go even longer. So, it's something I'm working on, and trying to remember to do, and it's totally helping a lot. I feel like I'm coaching myself in child-birth....."Just breath! Blow it out. Come on, one more time." HAHA!

- I have learned that I need music. Allan has 2 monitors in front of his walking desk, where he works, which is where I run. He watches shows while he runs, and he can go forever. For me, I need music, and I find that I do the same thing I did when I was walking. If I focus on the music, and really concentrate on the words and just focus on that, I can get lost in it, and just go and go. It's a nice mind flip for me. HA!

- I have learned that after a week of doing this, I can actually go longer than I thought I could! I was dreading next week because I have to do 3 minutes running, and 1 minute walking. Right now I'm 2 and 2. In the beginning, was dying at the end of my 2 minute run! HAHAHA! But, today, I did my last 2/2 and I found myself going over time by 15 seconds, and not being too tired. I just walked, because that's what I'm supposed to do. The last 2/2 was harder though, but I had also upped my speed a bit.

- I have also learned that I do have a comfortable speed, and if I mess with it, I get thrown completely off. Its not fast, but it works for me. I walk at a 3.8 on the treadmill, and run at a 5.2-5.3. If I change the running down to a 5, or a 4.8, slight difference, I'm actually really, physically, uncomfortable. That speed works well for now, but I'm trying to increase it little by little each day I run. I have kept my cool down walk, at the end of the run at a 4.2. It's faster, but after a minute, it's comfortable, and it's not such a shock when I stop. I don't know why. I don't find out why, I just do it. HA!

- I have also learned that, for me, stretching afterwards is really important. HAHA! I get so tight, and so sore afterwards, when I don't. But, if I stretch for even a few minutes, my body and my attitude feel so much better. However, I learned, I have no idea how to stretch. HAHA!  You'd think it's common sense, right?!

There are parts to this that I'm not sure what I'm doing, like the days I don't run, I have strength training (what is that?!), and then I have to do Yoga or Pilate's another day. So, Allan and I tried some Yoga videos. The first one was too granola for me. HAHA! I couldn't handle it. Like, I'm pretty sure that girl has never touched a razor in her life. The second one wasn't very good because she didn't actually show you how to get into those odd positions, and what you were supposed to be doing. HA! Then, we did the Jillian Michaels' Yoga dvd.......I only got 6 minutes in, basically gave Jillian the finger, said some other words, and said, "I'm done". HAHA! Allan was even surprised by that response. That part may or may not need a little work. HA!

So, as far as my mentality, I am actually feeling really really good! I am making small, short term goals, and reaching them, and it's not as hard as I thought. And I am making long term goals and seeing that I'm getting closer to reaching those too. I am excited to see if I am able to lose a bit of weight also, so it helps in the physical department, because that will help my confidence too. But, I feel really happy, I feel stronger, I feel energized, and I feel generally good! Most importantly, I feel proud of myself for trying to keep going, and push through when I don't want to do it. I'm seeing that I CAN do it! And it's awesome! I am so excited to see what more I can do!

So, next week is the week where I run for 3 minutes, and walk for 1 minute. I'm scared. HAHA! But, after today, especially, I feel confident that I can kick next weeks ass too! Let's see how this goes next week! Stay tuned, as the drama unfolds........

The Wetlands

This last weekend, I took my family out to The Wetlands. It's a Clark County park, here in Las Vegas. The Wetlands used to be a place where.......let's just say, "questionable" things went on there. Any type of "questionable" thing you could think of. But, the County has dropped a ton of money into it, cleaned it up, and really made a beautiful, large, park for the residents to explore, for free!! I cannot believe more people don't know about this place!

Allan was home for the weekend, during his 6 weeks of hell, as I call them. He's gone almost every day of the week, but home on the weekends during this time. So, during this time, we are trying to relax, and spend as much quality time together as a family. I had suggested going out there, and having an adventure, with the kids, and he was on board! Plus, I have been wanting to do family pictures out there, so this was a good way for me to explore too. HA! We packed a lunch for each kid (which we left at home. Nice.) and Allan had said we would get "real food" on the way out there. We all got "real food" on the way out. HA! Thanks Sonic!

When we got there, went into the Visitors Center, and found that they had made a nice hands on, educational experience in there, resembling the Springs Preserve. The kids had a blast in there! They had an area where the kids could climb on a bunch of oversized animals. There were puzzles they could do, where they had to match up the picture of the animal with the sound, or eggs, or fur. The kids really loved exploring and learning there!

Luke finding us on the map

Taylor looking at different skins and feathers

This picture of Sarah just makes me laugh. She loved sitting in that nest. HA!

Finally it was time to go! I was so excited! I just wanted to have a little adventure, getting lost with my kids (safely lost, HA!) and exploring! I have felt more adventurous, and wanted to go exploring with them. They really wanted to be home playing video games, however. Darn you Mindcraft!! But, off they went anyways, us dragging them all of the way. Sarah finally got it together, and was really having fun. Taylor and Luke, they really wanted video games. This might be the one time Sarah's attitude didn't rub off on the boys. And Elliott, he wanted to just be out of his stroller, but he didn't want to walk. You just can't please anyone. HAHA!

It's actually a pretty huge park, or nature preserve. The water all comes from the water treatment plant, I think. I'm not really sure, to be honest. However, it's right next to it, so I would assume it does. But in all of the little streams running everywhere though the park, there are tiny fish, frogs, large fish, crawfish, ducks.....Allan said he saw a Hawk, a Heron, and a ton of Pheasants, a few road runners, rabbits, and cranes. It was really neat to watch the kids identify the animals, based on what they just learned a few minutes earlier!

Ever since the first time Terrell (a great photog friend) took me there, I've wanted to do family pictures there for someone. I just love all of the clearings, and little groves off of the paths. I love all of the little hidden gem photo spots all over this beautiful green park. Best of all, there are hardly ever any other photogs out there, and it's not crowded, so even better! They also have a ton of bridges out there, and I have a huge love of bridges, so that's great for me. HA!

I love how the sun shows all of the amazing colors in this canopy that is growing over a path. These places are everywhere around there!

This was a spot just off of a pathway, after we pushed our way through some bushes. It reminds me of that movie Willow, when the baby is floating down the river in the beginning. HAHA!

Beautiful fall colors

After a while, the kids were starting to get tired, and were now afraid we were actually lost. They kept asking me if I was lost! HAHAHA! I don't know why. I'm not lost very often! They just couldn't relax and explore. They are their father in some ways. Sometimes they just want to get through the moment, and get to the next thing, instead of just being present, and enjoying that moment, and making it last. I am so proud to say that Allan has improved so much with this. He is aware of this mentality that he has, and has really been making an effort to take a breath, and stop rushing. I love it!

Rest time, and water break! On a bridge of course, over some beautiful water.

Racing. I love it!

This kid can make a sword out of anything. I love his imagination! Plus, I just love this shot. HA!

I love that there are so many groves you can explore, and almost every one is met with a small stream running through it. It's always so magical, and such an adventure, discovering what the grove you just walked into looks like. Every one is different! 

I talked Sarah into going in by herself, by telling her that it looked like Pixie Hollow, with all of the overgrowth, and the pond sitting right there. She LOVED that!

Luke decided that if Sarah could do it, he might be slightly braver. Sarah was loving being in her "own Pixie Hollow". Fun imaginations

There are a ton of ponds, almost around every corner you turn. And in every pond, or stream, you can see a ton of different kinds of fish! The kids had fun running over to the water, and seeing what kinds of fish were going to be there!

Sarah was so scared I was going to drop my camera in the water to get this. She kept saying, "careful mom. Careful mom!" HA!

I just learned that that is not a duck swimming in that shot. That is a Coot. HA! I still love this shot. The colors here are amazing.

Taylor checking out the giant fish here. 

So 2 1/2 later, we finally decided we were done. I was disappointed because I didn't get to see my FAVORITE bridge, with the huge waterfall that the kids would've loved, but it was just too far for their little legs anymore. There was still SO much of that park that we didn't get to explore. It'll be fun the next time! We had decided to drive out to Lake Las Vegas, for some ice cream and a change of scenery. (That's a later blog post)

I am excited to take my kids back here for the spring, when the colors have changed, there are flowers, and the tadpoles are turning. I think it is a really fun thing to do here, especially during the cooler times of the year. We had a blast! One of our best days spent as a family, spending very little money, and a whole lot of time! 

Adequate

I have had this post on my mind for quite a while. I know I am always very honest (yes, even too honest at times) about things that I am feeling, or things that have been going on in our lives. But, this one is a tough one for me to be honest about. When I've written other posts, it is incredibly nerve wracking for me to hit "Publish", and then walk away, and hope that people have understood what I was trying to say, through my tears that I cried writing it. For this, however, I hope I can allow myself to be honest, and maybe even find some of my own clarity, inspiration and answers to what I've been feeling.

in·ad·e·quate

inˈadikwət/

adjective

1.  lacking the quality or quantity required; insufficient for a purpose.

Inadequate would be the word I would describe myself as, if I was asked. I look at other people, and see, and read what they are going through, and how they are coping, and I compare myself to them. I kind of, gauge how I am doing, comparative to them. Is that healthy? Probably not. But, I think, if you think about it, we all do that. We all compare ourselves to someone else, and not always in a competitive way, but in a way of realizing what path we should, or might want to, be on.

Before losing Ellie, I would still, at times, describe myself, in one word as "inadequate". I felt insufficient for a purpose. However, I was building my confidence up. I had started walking, and after about 6 months, I was keeping up a really good pace, almost running really. Just before I found out I was pregnant with Ellie, I mean the week before, I had decided to start running half of the time, just to see how far I could go, or what I could do. I was so surprised by my own will power, and my own drive and determination to push myself. I had a walking buddy, but she couldn't go as often as I would've liked, so I went without her a lot of the times (Sorry Amy!! Love you!!). I looked forward to those nights where I would give myself a goal of 8 laps around the park, which would equal to be about 7 miles, and then I would do it, and I would always just want to go faster, and see how fast I could go. I know it sounds stupid, but I was proud of myself! I'm not an athletic, active type person. And, I'm sometimes not a self motivating person, so this really was surprising to me, and gave me so much hope, and confidence for myself. 

After I lost Ellie, I tried hard to push myself again. It was hard at first. Mix depression, being out of shape, and a complete lack of self worth together, and you don't have a great recipe for success when it comes to any sort of work out regime. But, I did it! This time, I had a lot of help from my sweet Amy, but I still did it! And you know what? That confidence was starting to get built up again. It wasn't lost. It was just buried way deep down. However, it all stopped again when I got pregnant with Elliott.

Something changed when I had Elliott. I wanted to be home all of the time with him. I didn't want anyone else watching him. I wanted to soak him up, and just hold him tight. I lost all motivation to do anything for myself. It became all about my family, and what does my family need. If I could squeeze in something tiny for myself, then I would, but even that was difficult to do. Allan always tried to make sure that he forced me out of the house whenever Amy could walk with me, and whenever a friend was trying to get together with me. 

I clung hard to my friends, and a lot of my family these last few years. They have been my sanity, my stability, my love, my happiness, my confidence........they have been everything to me. But, these years later, my friends can't be there anymore, like they were. My family needs to work on their own things, and keep moving forward. And I need to let them go. I don't mean that I need to cut them from my life, but I need to stop using them as a crutch for things. But that's scary!

I started realizing that the time to let go, and stand on my own was coming when Amy told me that she was thinking about going back to school to become a Nurse Practitioner. I knew that meant that I would see her a lot less, and even talk to her a ton less. But, I didn't want to let go just then. Amy, my sister, Amanda and Heather, have become a huge support for me. They have been my crutches. Those long even sweat fests we called walking, became my outlet, my therapy sessions, and I think a bit of the same for her. I was scared to let those chats go. I tried to convince her that maybe this isn't a good time for me....I mean her! HAHA! But, all in all, I did try to push her to go, because I knew she could do it and be amazing! After that, what I knew would happen, did happen. We just weren't able to spend the time we used to together, and rightfully so! That's a nutty schedule that would give me ulcers. I am not sure how she is doing it, but I couldn't be more proud of anyone! We still do what we can, but it's not the same. 

A few other things happened, that really cinched it for me, though. My other friend moved to the midwest.......can you call it the midwest Heather? I don't know. Then my other friend, Amanda, moved away to Salt Lake City. Then my husband got a new job, and started traveling a ton more. I mean 3-5 days a week. I was alone.......like, really alone. And being alone for me is just terrible. Around December, of 2012, I started to see a therapist, because my husband got concerned about my thoughts and my actions. He really should've been concerned. HA! I saw this therapist for 4 months, with no progress. I didn't realize that I wasn't getting what I needed until I saw how my husband was changing himself working with his therapist. Finally, we decided that I wouldn't see my therapist anymore. That was so hard for me. I just wanted to feel like someone was there. I wanted to feel like I wasn't battling life, alone. I felt like no one cared, and now I'm paying someone to care, and they don't care either! Bring on the third round of depression!

Recently, I've been reading about my friends having these huge goals, and actually accomplishing them! They have picked up interesting hobbies, and have done so well, that they are now marketing their items! I have read about friends, who have never been runners, running marathons, and loving it so much! I have read about friends picking up photography, and become a sensation at it! I actually felt jealous of these women. I have quilting, and I LOVE it, but I never have time for. I have photography, that I love so much, but I don't have the equipment I want for it, and again, no time for it. I love to read, even (I bet no one saw that one coming), but who has a minute to sit down and read a book with 4 kids screaming in your ear, and destroying the house?! I used to look at these women and almost think bad about them, because I thought they were taking time away from their families to do these hobbies! I felt, after having Elliott, that my family needed everything first, and whatever was left over I could use, or I could pile on a bit extra for the kids. I usually did extra for the kids. And what's more important? A marathon, or your kids? Well, I've just learned for myself that answer..........the marathon. (I will let that marinate for a second that I just said that..........ok. Ready?)

Why is a hobby more important than your kids? It's not. But, if you have the circumstances, like, your husband is wanting you to go, and is supportive of you doing this, and is willing to hang with the kids while you do this, THEN GO RUN! Why? I did learn one thing in therapy. The goal of anti-depressants that are prescribed to you, among other thing, is to promote endorphins. When I am depressed, I am not producing very many, if any. When you work out, you actually produce those endorphin's. When you do, you start to feel more confident, a sense of happiness, and pride. For some, physical activity will not always compensate, and meds are necessary. But for others, sometimes that does the trick! I have been thinking of going back to therapy, and Amy has even said that maybe I need to be back on my meds. I have been thinking about my theory of how this works, as stated previously, and thought, "Hmm, maybe I am not looking down at these people who are accomplishing these amazing things. Maybe I am jealous. And why am I jealous? I can do that!" I realized that when I was walking before, 4-5 days a week, 6-7 miles at a time, I was so happy! I was proud of myself, I had confidence, I knew I could do hard things, and be just fine! And I was so much more willing to try other things, like hikes that I would never have gone on, or try new foods (that's a big deal for me), or just be excited about life. I was even more patient with my kids, and more organized with our household.

If anything, I am a doer. I don't like to think about things forever, and have no action. I can't stand that. So, I decided to create my own therapy. I have been thinking about going back to therapy, and back on meds, but I wanted to try this first. So, I chose the activity I am most afraid of. No, not quitting Dr. Pepper. That's crazy talk. I chose running. I am scared to death of running. I always have been. It's hard. It hurts. And, I am petrified to fail. So.......running it is. I went online, and I looked up a good way to get started with running. Like a routine. I found the one by Women's Health, http://www.womenshealthmag.com/fitness/become-a-runner, and I decided that that night would be my first night. So, off I went. I did it! I hurt, and I cussed. But I did it. I decided I would try it for a month, and see how it goes. If I still feel like I need help, then I will be on the couch of that therapist, taking the meds as long as they need me to, to get myself right. But.......why not try this way first?!

I want to do something hard. I want to make myself proud of me again. I want to prove to myself that I can do hard things, and that I will be just fine. I may even be successful. But, if I decide that I don't like it after a month, then I can still be proud of myself, because not only did I face my fear, and I did it......I didn't quit. So I didn't fail. I'm not training for a marathon. I don't need that accomplishment right now. I'm training for true success. I am training myself to feel good about myself again. I am in training to feel confidence, pride, worthiness, and accomplished. I am training myself, to feel my husbands arms around me, telling me, "I'm really proud of you for doing this. You did well." I am in training to change my life.

I am tired of being jealous of others and their accomplishments. I am tired of feeling like I can't do something. I am tired of hiding behind my kids, and saying I can't do something, because my kids come first. They always will come first, but sometimes, I have to make myself happy, and work on myself. It's funny, but true when they say, "If mama aint happy, aint nobody happy". Let me tell you, no one is happy right now......but I'm hoping to change that, starting with myself. I am tired of feeling inadequate. I can work hard, and I can do hard things. I have proven that. Now, I have to prove that I can rise above hard things, and push myself to do great things. 

I am adequate. God has given me all of the tools that I need. He has given me all of the guidance, love, support, friendship and family that I need to do anything that I want. I just have to drop my pride, and take advantage of the amazing blessings that He has given me. I can do this........I think. HA! Nope. I can do this.

Why Can't I?!

Over the last few months, I have been struggling to allow myself to grieve. I know it sounds silly. Ellie has been gone for 2 1/2 years now. I should be a pro at this! Right?.....In fact, no. I'm actually really really bad at it. "How can one be bad at grieving", you ask? Well, let me tell you. Last night, after an event for this, I realized how bad I really am at it!

Losing my daughter was the most difficult thing that I had ever dealt with, when it happened. I couldn't rationalize it. I couldn't categorize it. I couldn't organize it. And, I certainly couldn't clean up the mess that it left. If you know anything about me, you know that when I get stressed, sad, angry, nervous....whatever it is, I clean, and I organize things to death. If you come into my home, and it's spotless, I mean, even the toilets are clean (I hate cleaning the bathrooms! It's gross.), you should really be asking me what is wrong, because something is very wrong. HA! When I lost Ellie, the first 3 months after, my house has never been cleaner. But, I would cry. I would stop cleaning, collapse onto the floor, and cry.....Like the ugly cry. But, I would! I would talk about it, I would write about it, and then I would cry it out. 2 1/2 years later, I can say, losing her was not the hardest thing I've ever dealt with in my life. It was the aftermath of losing my baby. I lost her when I had 3 kids, I was a stay at home mom, my husband was switching jobs, we were moving, money was always tighter than we'd like, and Allan and I weren't doing so great. I had a lot.

As a mom, I had put these expectations on myself to be strong, take care  of everyone else, keep order in my life and everyone else's lives. Literally, my life revolved around everyone else in my home. When Ellie died, I switched modes a lot. I cried a few times in front of the kids, and it freaked them out. They didn't know what to do! "Mommy isn't supposed to break! Mommy is the one that fixes us when we break! Now what?!" I saw this panic on their faces, and in their actions, and I didn't want to bring MORE pain and fear into their little lives. So I stopped doing it in front of them. Then, I would only cry and talk to Allan. But, it was really stressing him out, because he's a man. He loves me. Men are fixers! Allan would get worried because I was still crying, and he can't fix the problem. He would give me simple advice, and pep talks about how I "just" needed to this and that, but it wasn't a simple problem, with a simple fix. So, I stopped crying in front of him. Now, stop and think about that for a second. I am a stay at home mom. I am MOM and a WIFE. If I've stopped doing that in front of the children, and stopped doing this in front of my husband, when do I do it? Those people are always around. I have no alone time allowing me to let these emotions out. I have no time to get it out, get my head on straight, and get back to life.

As most know, we got pregnant after about 4 months after having Ellie. Was it too soon, I don't know. It is when we felt it was right for us, and when the Lord told us it was time for him to come. During that time, I really pushed emotions down. Being pregnant again was.......undescribeable. Fear does not cover that experience, after having a stillborn. So, now I have 9 months of not dealing with these emotions. After having Elliott, I thought that it was time finally, but then having a newborn, and 3 kids still dealing with the loss of their sister, and really, disappointment that the new baby wasn't a girl, and a husband constantly wondering if we made the right decision in having this new baby, made me feel like maybe it's not the right time to add something else into the mix. In the mean time, I was still attending the bereavement group meetings, and I would get teary there, here and there, listening to others talk about their children. But that was it. After Elliott was about 6 months old, maybe. I can't remember. Anyways, Allan decided to change jobs, and he started working from home, for Adobe. That sounds wonderful to everyone out there, I'm sure! It did to me. Little did I know what this job would mean! It meant that Allan would be gone for sometimes a week at a time, back to back weeks. If that all wasn't enough, I learned I was pregnant again. I was thrilled. I wanted just one more child. When we found out I was pregnant again, we were presented with an opportunity to rent out our home, and move into a bigger home, that could fit our entire family, plus give Allan a much needed office, that he didn't currently have. It was across town, and would mean leaving what we were comfortable with, but we felt like it was best for our family. So, I was newly pregnant, with a husband with a new job, and constantly traveling, 4 kids, arranging for renters, and packing up a house. Then, the nail in the coffin hit.......I miscarried one night. I miscarried at 12 weeks, after coming home from an appointment that the doctor couldn't keep. I remember telling my husband, standing in the kitchen, and he cried. This is when it all changed for me, and I couldn't cry anymore. This is when I switched it all off. I hugged him, standing in that kitchen, surrounded by all of the packed boxes, in our almost empty house, and said, "I'm sorry", over and over again. I didn't cry. My beautiful friend, Amy, came over, with her husband, to bring us more boxes that they had collected from their places of work, and she came upstairs into our room where I was laying, and just layed in bed with me for almost 20 minutes, talking. I didn't cry. I felt bad that I was causing this disappointment by my third lost baby, and I didn't' want to make them feel any worse by crying. So, I stayed strong. Stayed positive, and just kept saying, "Oh, it's ok. It's just one of those things. The doctor said it looked to be just a natural thing, not anything else." I rationalized it, and I didn't feel it. And then, 2 days later, I got out of bed, got dressed, and started working again. I became mom again, I was the mover, I was the person taking care of it all, and I never went back.

So, now 2 1/2 years later, I go to these events for Pregnancy and Infant Loss, every year. And the other families are sobbing. The other families are doing things for their children, and feeling it, and are in the moment. And I'm doing it, and I'm helping my kids do them. I'm hugging my daughter as she cries, because she misses her sister. I am checking on my friend who is photographing the event, and making sure he's ok, and handling things ok. And I'm checking on friends that are there, to make sure they get every opportunity to honor their children the ways that they want to. I'm doing my job. I'm taking care of everyone else. And when I can't find anyone else to help, I grab my camera, and I start shooting pictures. Not even good ones! HA! I shut down my feelings and I stay busy. I try to be strong, and that example to people, and be that hope for others that look at me and say, "Ok. She is doing great! There is hope that I will come out of this and be like her. People do come out of this." But.......they don't know what's going on inside of me. They don't know this burden that I carry every day.

Last night, I went to another event, with another very good friend of mine, Lisa. She runs the bereavement group that I attend. She had volunteered to help this up and coming bereavement group, and their event. This event happened to be on the birthday of my brother in law, who had passed away 5 years ago. It also happened to be on the property across the street from where he used to work, before he passed. Needless to say, it was an emotional day already.

We had to get to the park early, and Lisa needed to help set up. I was just going to go to a fabric store or something, until the event started and come back for the event. But, somehow, I couldn't. I stayed with Lisa, and helped, and ended up helping her the entire night. It really was amazing. I know I was supposed to be there, without any kids, without any responsibilities, so that I could BE THERE. Be in the moment........but I can't help it. When someone needs help, I just want to help! I have to! But, it was awesome. I met some amazing families, and helped them to make things for tribute to their lost children. I heard their stories, and saw their tears, and even hugged a few of them. The best was when I finally got to steal a sleeping baby so the mom could decorate her bag for her other angel child. I LOVED it. HA! I'm so baby hungry, so this helped feed the beast. LOL!

One moment, Lisa leaned over to me, and had brought to my attention that a friend of ours looked frustrated because she was there alone, with her toddler daughter, who did not want to cooperate and stay still in her stroller, and quiet. So, I got up, walked over to this mom, hugged her, told her I loved her, and said that I was going to take the stroller and let her watch the event. I could still hear everything, and see everything, because the parks not that big. But this mom and friend, could BE THERE. I failed my goal of the night. I just did it with someone else's kid. I walked away, I got busy with doing a task, and I got teary alone, and didn't let it out. I wasn't in the moment. After a while, my friend came and got her stroller, which left me alone, with nothing to do again. And then it happened........

There was a video I had completely forgotten about. A while back, I was asked for Ellie's name, and her birthday, and a photo of her. I sent it in, and then had forgotten about it. The video came on while I was walking my friends baby, and I thought, "Ugh. This is so convenient. I am so glad I cannot watch this. I don't want to see a huge picture of my baby." But then, I kind of wanted to see her. When the mom came and took the stroller, and no longer needed me to help her, that was when they announced they would read the names of each baby, and they wanted us to cheer for the children........I couldn't handle it. That is when I realized Ellie's name would be read. I sat back away from everyone, on a bench, put my head in my hands, and cried, as they read the names of the children, and I heard everyone cheer. It just seemed like a contradiction to what I was feeling. I don't want to clap because my daughter is gone. I want to cry! Then they said her name. You see, this is the first time that I have heard her full name said, like that, before. I didn't say her name at the walk. I couldn't. Now, I can't control this, and they did it. Having her named, on a list of other children that had died, it felt like that night that the nurses were coming into triage, with the ultra sound machine, one by one, trying to find her heart beat. 5 nurses standing around me, and one with the wand, and her telling me that there is no heart beat, and then leaving me alone so she could call my doctor. Leaving me alone with my thoughts, my pain, and the task of calling my husband and telling him that our child who was supposed to join us any day, whom we just celebrated that day at her baby shower, has died. Having her name read, felt like it was that confirmation from the nurse that my child had died. That is why I have never said her name at The Walk to Remember. I can't. Yes, I know she's gone......but, I guess it's a bit of denial still.

So, I sat on the bench, and I cried. I put my face in my hands, and I cried. Lisa came over, put her hand on my shoulder, passed me a tissue, and was just there. I finally stood up, cleaned my face, and hugged her. She then asked me the terrible question, "Are you ok?" I looked at her, smiled, and said, "No." And I knelt down on the ground, and cried again. I couldn't even lie.

After the event, I drove us home. I was so embarrassed that I had reacted that way. That I couldn't hold myself together. That I cried. We talked about everything driving home.....I mean everything.......else, but the event, HA!. For an hour, we talked. Then, I dropped her off at home, and she got out of the car, looked at me again, and said, "Are you going to be ok tonight?" She knew that Allan was gone, and I would be alone, with my sleeping kids tonight. I looked at her and said, "No. But I'm going to have to be." I went home, as I always do, I checked on my kids, and cried alone. I didn't want to go to sleep, because I was afraid I would dream of Ellie again. I didn't want to. So I didn't go to sleep.

This leads me to my current thoughts, and frustration. What is wrong with me?! Why can't I get over this? Why can't I be in the moment, let it out, and then leave feeling ok, and able to continue? Why does it knock me down for a week after? Why does it stress me out so badly? And now that I've shut it off, and have realized that's unhealthy, how do I turn it back on again? I don't know what to do.

Today, I sit here, with a million tasks to do, and I don't care to do anything. I haven't gotten dressed yet. I don't want to do anything but lay around. I snuggle my kids, and hold them tighter today. I am telling them I love them every 10 seconds. And, I want to go away. I want to not talk to anyone outside of this house. I want to disappear from my friends and extended family for a while. I just don't want to exist for a minute. I don't want to feel this pain anymore. I want to pretend like it never happened. Like she never happened, because it hurts too much, and I can't get it to stop hurting. When will I be ok? I thought I would be by now.

I wish I could post something positive today, about that beautiful event. I'm so proud of them, and what they were able to accomplish in the name of their child, and their grief. There is so much positive to talk about, but today, I don't care about the positive. I just feel the way I feel. And today, I just want it to stop. I don't want to feel like this anymore, but I have to, I guess. I don't want to battle this anymore, but I have to. I don't want to be in this anymore, but I have to. I have to balance it all, and deal with it all, and I don't know what I'm doing today. I'm frustrated with myself that I can't just let go of myself, and let myself feel. I desperately hope that one day, I will figure it out, and I will be better. I hope that one day, when I meet other moms feeling this same way, I can help them through it, and say, "You can do it! Because I did it!" Today, I can't say that. But I will. Today, I'm going to clean something, and organize something, and maybe get up and move on tomorrow.

Happy Birthday TC!

Dear TC-

Today, you turn 32 years old! I can't believe that. I can't believe that you would've been 32 years old. I wonder what you would've been doing this year. Would you be married right now? Would you have kids, or starting your family? What would you have been doing in your career? What amazing callings would you be magnifying at church?

I have known this family for 12 years, and been an official part of it for almost 10 years, and I think back to when I first met you, and you were just a kid! Even from the first time I met you, you and I had a connection. We just got each other. We got each other's stories, understood what we were thinking when we chose to take certain paths, and just related to each other really well. You were there for me so much after my first pregnancy, and the loss of that baby. And you were so wonderful during my pregnancy with Sarah. You were almost as excited as Allan was! HA! You were the first one to see Sarah, after she was born. You were the first relative to hold her, besides my mother and Allan, who were in the delivery room. I will never forget you bringing me my first of many BK Stackers, (without bacon, of course, because you said fast food bacon was gross, and you didn't want me eating that.) after having my baby. I remember you walking into the room with a small cooler of sodas, and waters, and a HUGE bag of snacks. The snack you were most proud of was the EL Fudges. HAHA! Those were your favorites, and you were so excited to give them to us, because I'd never had them before.

Sarah was your buddy. And you were Sarah's favorite person in the whole world. I think you still might be. She talks about you a lot, still. It hurts, because we miss you so much, but it's wonderful, because even at her little tiny age, you made a huge impact on her. Her favorite game was the Blankee Game. You used to wrap her up in a blanket, like a taco, and swing her back and forth, so high it would make me nervous. I think you enjoyed that too. HA! She used to call it Lankee Game. The first few months after you died, no one would play the Blankee Game with her. It was too painful. Neither her, nor Luke, understood why. I'm really glad they persisted, and Uncle Lincoln stepped up and took over the duties of the Blankee Game. Did you know that I talked to him? I missed you so much, and the pain and lack of understanding of what happened to their favorite uncle in my childrens heart, was unbearable for me. I talked to Lincoln and asked him to please fill in. Please play with them. You'd be so proud of him, and so happy, because I think he loves those kids as much as you did. It melts my heart to see him with them, and playing with them, just like you would. I don't think Sarah will have that relationship that you two had, with anyone else. It was truly special. But, I'm so glad that her other Uncle is doing his best to create a new relationship with her, and it's a great one. One of my favorite things about you was, many times I would call you, because Sarah wanted to talk to you, and you would drop everything and talk to her, and come over anytime she wanted to play with you, talk to you, or just hug you. I wish she had you right now. She's having a hard time still, with the loss of her sister, and I think you are just who she needs. She needs her friend....her buddy. I wish you were here. Were you able to be with us for her baptism? She wouldve loved to have you and Ellie standing there, beaming with pride.

When we found out we were pregnant with Luke, you begged me for 4 months, relentlessly, to name him after you. We didn't. I'm sorry to say it. Because out of our kids, I believe he is the most like you. But we liked the name Luke, and had already confirmed that that would be his name. Plus, it was fun to keep you going, and be stubborn. It drove you crazy! Luke was delivered so fast that we didn't pack anything! We barely made it to the hospital in time! But you still came, BK Stacker and all! You took pictures on your cell phone and emailed them out to everyone you knew, proudly. Luke, however, gave you a run for your money. He was not a happy baby, but you didn't care. You were going to figure out how to make that kid happy! You also introduced him, eventually, to the Blankee Game, and won him over. Also, you made it your mission to teach Luke how to walk, because he was just not interested, and to your standards, he was just too old, at that point to not be walking. HAHA! You'll be happy to know, he did finally walk. HA! Actually, he finally started walking just a few weeks after you passed away, I think. I still give you full credit for teaching him.

You did finally get what you wanted. I found out I was pregnant with Taylor the day of your accident, just a few hours before we got the phone call from your parents, actually. We knew, driving home that night from the hospital that no matter what the sex of the baby was, the baby's name would be Taylor. It had to be. Taylor is almost 5 years old now, and you would adore him. I think he is a good mix of yours, and Lincolns personality. You would love playing Batman with him, picking him up, and flying him around the room, taking him on adventures, and helping him pretend to be awesome superhero's. I always wonder, did you get to meet him? Did you get to hold him before he came down to Earth? I always think you are the one that gave him his dimples. It's like your mark of approval, because Taylor has them, and Elliott has them. HA! I was so sad leading up to the days before I had him because, you would not be there to bring me my traditional BK Stacker, and be the first to hold him, but I am happy to report that Kelsey took your place, and brought me the traditional non bacon BK Stacker, and held Taylor and loved on him for you. I think you were there. I won't ever forget the feeling in that room. It was the same feeling of pride that I felt from you when you held Sarah and Luke for the first times.

Giving birth to Ellie, I really wish you were here. But, perhaps, it's better that you weren't. I'm not sure how you would've handled that. And everything that has happened within our little family since. When I was in the room, waiting to be induced, your dad and Lincoln walked in to give me a blessing........and I kept thinking, "I wish TC was here too." I don't know what made me think that at that moment. It just didn't seem complete. I needed all of the Rogers' men, and all of their hands on my head, saying that prayer for me, my family, and my child. When I had her, and I was alone with her, holding her, I remember wishing you would walk through the door, like you always did. You have always been a huge support for me, when Allan was working all of those jobs, and in school. You were always there to help me, chat with me for a while, appreciate whatever food I cooked, and relieve some stress that you saw on me, however you could. And I felt like I was missing that so much. I still do. I know Allan does too. I think he could really use your advice and guidance, especially now. I know you are taking care of Ellie, and playing with her, and making her laugh. I know you are doting on her and loving her until I can get there. It's nice that I can say, "Uncle TC is keeping Ellie safe, and loving her", when Sarah asks me who is taking care of her. I'm glad Ellie has you with her.

Since Ellie, and now having Elliott, I know you're there all of the time. I know you are watching over my kids, here, and in Heaven, as you always have. I know you took care of Elliott before he came to be with our family, and I know he knows you, and will continue to know you. I know you are proud of the kids, and what kinds of people they are turning into. I know you are proud of Lincoln and Cecilia, and the beautiful family they are raising. I wish you were there for that. I'm sure they are missing you like crazy, and wishing that you could experience their fun family with them.

Saturday was an annual event called the Walk to Remember. It's for families who have lost babies. Did you know your mom came? When I saw her, I was so happy! I was surprised! It meant so much to me to have her there. I didn't get to talk to her very much, but just knowing she was there brought me a huge amount of comfort, and support that I needed so badly. This year, we got to stay until the balloon release. TC, Sarah and I released balloons for you, and for Ellie. We tied notes to the bottoms of the balloons for you and Ellie. Sarah asked me, before she went to bed, if I think you read the notes yet. I was happy to tell her that I'm positive that you read the notes, and love her and miss her too. She also wrote that you are "still her best friend", in case you couldn't read it. Her spelling still isn't great yet. HA! Tonight, there is a candle light vigil being held at the park next to the District. I found that interesting that that was where you worked, and the vigil happens to be on your birthday. I am making sure that I go, and I will light a candle for my 3 babies in Heaven, and one for you too. You need a candle on your birthday too!

TC, as you can tell from this letter, you are so loved and missed by your parents, your brothers, your sister, your sister-in-laws and your nieces and nephews. The impact that you have had on this world....you wouldn't believe. I cannot wait to be with you again, and see that fun smile, hear that voice, and get a great big hug. I hope you have a happy birthday. I wish we could celebrate it with you. Thank you for continuing your service and example where you are. You truly are what your parents described you as, "A Valiant Son, Brother, Grandson, Uncle, Nephew & Friend. A Child of God. A Mighty Man of Valor".

I love you, and miss you.

Laurie

Walk to Remember, 2013

Photo taken by Scott Roeben

Yesterday was the annual Walk to Remember. I have been gearing up for this event for about a month and a half now. Not only is it one of those events that's sad AND joyful, at the same time, it is something that affects me for a month after.

Photo taken by Scott Roeben

This year, I was especially emotional going into it, because of having made the quilt (see previous post). But I was trying so hard to keep talking myself into going. You see, a few days prior, I had dropped off that quilt to my amazing friend Lisa W.'s house. She runs the bereavement group, and in charge of this whole event. She actually asked me to present it at the Walk. I just couldn't. For a week prior to finishing the quilt, I have been having terrible nightmares. Not really nightmares, but just reliving memories. The most difficult, and scarring memory, that I constantly relive when I get stressed or depressed, is the moment I had to hand my Ellie over to my great friend, and nurse, Tammy, and watching her walk out of the room with her. There is a moment, where Tammy walks out of the room with her, and just outside of the door, I see her cover my daughters face, and then continue walking. That was the single most painful, terrible, haunting moment of my life. In my dreams, I was dreaming of wrapping Ellie in the quilt I had just made, and handing her over again to Tammy, and reliving that same moment over again. So, when Lisa wanted me to present it at the Walk......I just couldn't. I couldn't make that dream a reality again. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone but me. Instead, Lisa P. and her husband held it up, while Lisa W. talked about it for a second and pointed to who made it. I waved from a distance, and that was it. I was so relieved.

Photo taken by Scott Roeben

At the Walk, I couldn't go over and look at it with everyone else. I didn't want to know what anyone was saying about it. What if they didn't like it, and I had just poured my soul into that blanket? I was terrified. But during the event, and even many hours later, Allan was telling me what everyone was saying about it, and how much they loved it. He would tell me about moments with certain people, and how appreciative they were of it. Or the moment he had with the lady who made the quilts in previous years, and her tears. There aren't many times that my husband exudes pride for me, and yesterday, and even this morning, he can't stop telling me how proud he was, and is, to be my husband because of that blanket. It was truly special.

Now, if you read my previous post, about the quilt, you will know that even with all of this emotional turmoil going on inside of my head and my heart, I would totally, completely and happily do it all over again, every year for the rest of my life. It was so hard, but one of the best experiences I have had coming out of this.

Photo taken by Scott Roeben

Photo taken by Scott Roeben

At the Walk, there is a huge group that stands in a circle, and we go around and say our baby's name and birthday. I was standing in between my mother in law, who surprised us by coming for a few minutes (I was so grateful that she did that for us!) and my sweet friend, and nurse when I lost Ellie, Tammy. The microphone came to me......and I froze and just passed it along. I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. I'm sure that's weird to most. I mean, why wouldn't you want to acknowledge your child?! Why wouldn't you want to say her name and shout it to the heavens to let her hear you that you love her? I didn't want to say her name. I never have, in the years that I've gone to the Walk, I've never said her name in the circle. It hurts too much to say it in that setting. I can talk about her, when it's in regards to helping someone, and when it's a happy thing. But, in sadness, in that setting, it's almost like a confirmation that she is gone, and is never coming back. I should know that, and I do........but to say it, I just can't. That is always the hardest part of this event for me. Acknowledging that my daughter is dead, and I have to say it myself.

We did a balloon release, and tied on pieces of paper with their names on it. I did this. I was so distracted by the kids, and making sure they got to do it, and write their notes to their sister, that it was releiving. I had something to occupy my emotions. When I wasn't occupied anymore, I took out my camera and started taking pictures of the moments happening around me. It's a really great mask for the tears. Like a pair of sunglasses or a receiving blanket for me. HA!

If it makes you feel any better, Lisa, I'm wiping my nose, and face right now. :)

Just after the balloon release, I had been watching everyone during the balloon release. I glanced straight across from me, and I saw Lisa. She was standing their alone, crying, watching the balloons float away, occasionally wiping her tears, nose and, to me, looking around, almost lost, like she didn't know what to do with herself, because she was standing alone. I doubt that's what she was doing, but in my head, that's the story as I was watching her. It was so hard not to just run over there and give her the biggest hug and let her know that I was there with her, and for her......but I didn't. Why?! A good friend would've! I couldn't do that either!! I knew that as soon as I hugged her, I was going to lose it. So I stood there, frozen, pushing down the tears, sadly watching my friend cry. I was so relieved when she walked over to another woman and started talking to her, and watching her try to help balloons get off of the ground that had gotten tangled in things.

Photo taken by Scott Roeben

Sarah hanging her ornament she made for Ellie

Luke hanging his ornament he made for Ellie

In another moment, though, talking to Lisa, Sarah walked up to me, and wrapped her arms around my waist. I hugged her back and asked what was wrong. She put her head deeper in my stomach and said, "I miss Ellie" and just cried so hard that it came from deep down inside of her soul. I asked Lisa if we could have a moment, and Sarah and I walked away. I held her tight and let her cry. I don't want my children to block these emotions like I do. I want them to feel safe coming to me, and letting them out. They are a great example to me. I told her that I miss her too, and that I feel the same way, but that this event is kind of like a party for them! I told her that we didn't get to have their first birthday parties and their first anythings. So this event is like a birthday party for these children every year. Yes, it's so sad, but it's also kind of happy. Also, I told her that at their party, I can feel each child running around us, getting their faces painted, playing with their sword balloons, and eating cake too! She really liked that. A while later, Scott came up to me and said that they were sitting on the bench, and he looked at Sarah and she had her arm out to the side, with her hand cupped. He asked her what she was doing, and she said she had her arm around Ellie. That broke my heart to hear. She, more than any of my other kids, has been forever changed because of the loss of her baby sister. And she wants more than anything to have her back here.........and as a mom, it's gut wrenching that I can't give that to her, and to feel like I have caused that pain in her.

Photo taken by Scott Roeben

Photo taken by Scott Roeben

After that, we did the walk around the park, while the children held the banner up. It was amazing to look back and see the long line of families that infant death has touched. It just makes your heart break over and over and over again, every time you look at each face. You know how each person is feeling, because you feel it too. Its an indescribable pain that you wouldn't wish on anyone! No one. Not even the worst person in the world. And you know that they are feeling it too, and you can't do anything about it. But, looking back at them, I also see so many friends that this tragedy has brought me together with. So many people that will be in my life for many years to come, helping each other on this journey. It's a strange club that you are grateful for, but don't want to be a part of. HAHA!

Fear was a huge theme for me at this event. While I love it, and love getting to reconnect with people I haven't seen in a while, and I try so hard to make it positive, it is an uncomfortable event for me. I still struggle with showing sadness in front of anyone, and I don't know what to do with myself when others are sad too. Honestly, I'm a little jealous of them. I wish I could just let it out so much!

So, I came home, put the kids in bed, put Allan in bed, and sat on the couch, drinking my much deserved Dr. Pepper, and reflected on the day. I went upstairs and worked on the few photos that I took. I looked at one photo of Sarah hanging her ornament that she made for her sister, and the pride she had in making that for her......and then, it all came out. I put my head down on my desk and just sobbed, and sobbed. I sat there and thought about all of the things that I had regretted during that event. When I first lost Ellie, and in the first days after having her, I promised that I would never say no to anything, because I was scared of regretting not doing something. I can't get many moments back, so even if it's hard, I don't want to NOT do them. The whole day yesterday, I said no to everything. I avoided handing over the blanket. I refused to say her name at the circle. I blocked myself from feeling anything during the balloon release, and distracted myself, when I could've just stood there, and looked up to the heavens, and loved my daughter. I regretted the whole day......and I can't get it back. I had done what I said I wouldn't do, no matter how hard. I gave in to the fear, and the difficulty.

After every event that I push myself through, I always go home feeling proud of myself, and knowing that Ellie is proud of me, and knows that I love her. I went home from this event uneasy, and not feeling that pride. I went home and cried because I don't know if she knows that I love her, and I don't think she's too happy that I didn't push myself to do the hard things. I did not honor her the way that I wanted to, during the event that was just for her, and the many other children that are gone.

I hope that one day, I will be present in those moments, and feel her, and send that love up to her. I hope that one day, I will walk over to my friend and hug her tight, and tell her how much I love her, and cry with her. I hope that one day........I will say her name. I hope that one day, when I meet her, she will hug me and say, "I am proud to be your daughter. Thank you for honoring me by acknowledging me, and using my passing as a path for service. I love you." One day, I will hear that.

Something for Her

As many of you know, I attend a bereavement group for infant loss through stillbirth, miscarriage, or otherwise. Every year, they sponsor the "Walk to Remember", in October. It's a beautiful event created to honor our angel babies, and their families. At a few of the meetings, before the event, we all get together, and create squares for a quilt that will be made. Each square is made by a family of the baby that was lost. It usually has their name on it, and is specially decorated just for that baby. This year, I was honored because I got the privilege of making this amazing quilt.

I have made A LOT of quilts, over the years, and little does anyone know, each quilt I have made has a story. There is a reason I used a certain fabric, or designed a quilt a certain way, and reason why all of those elements were added for the specific person that that blanket went to. I have a story for each quilt. Each quilt is very special to me, and usually I don't share the stories, because, well.....I don't want to sound silly. HAHA! But, for this quilt, I was urged by a friend to share the story behind it. (Thanks Amy!)

So, a month ago, I was asked to make the quilt for the Walk to Remember. I immediately had an idea for the pattern. I wanted it all white, with just hollow squares of different colors of scrap fabric. I wanted to put the families squares in the center of the hollowed squares, and.....that was it. So, I went home, and drew up what I wanted, and went to work!

This quilt was a special blanket. When Ellie died, I was devastated when I had to come to terms with the fact that I just couldn't make her a quilt to be buried with before her service. Instead, I decided to BUY her a baby blanket, to be buried with. I found one that I thought was ok, and a small blanket that matched, that I could keep. But, I've always wanted to make a blanket for her, just like her brothers and sisters. So, for 2 years now, I have been wanting to make her a blanket, and just put it in her memory chest, but I couldn't come up with anything that I wanted to do, that would do her short little life justice. When this project came up, I immediately thought of my Eleanor. I've always wanted her death to be turned into a positive thing. I wanted it to bring hope to others. I wanted to do service for others, so that she lived on, in that service. This project allowed me a little bit of that. Making this blanket allowed me to have some really special moments, only between my youngest daughter and I.

Ellie's square

After getting in touch with everyone that wanted to make a square, and going to all lengths to get them to me, I finally began sewing it all together. I had the best time I have ever had making a blanket. This was the first blanket I have ever made that I didn't have to pick out any seams, and the first time I didn't make any mistakes. Everything went flawlessly. This is also the first quilt that I was able to make a square for Ellie. One of the most amazing things that happened making this blanket was that I felt my daughter every moment that I picked up something to add to it. I felt her any time I started sewing on it. I felt her pride in me, for the work that I was doing, in her name, for these families, and this amazing group. I knew that she was so happy with how it turned out.

Making this blanket definitely came with its own emotional issues. I was experiencing a lot of anxiety, sadness, and depression. I was constantly worried that it wouldn't honor the families, and their angels. I was worried that Ellie wouldn't like it. After a while, I was even having a hard time saying that the top was finished. I felt like that crazy guy who kept building rooms onto his house, that went nowhere. I just didn't want to stop, because if I stopped, then I was afraid Ellie wouldn't be there anymore. I was afraid I would miss something that should've gone on there. I was dreading giving this away, because it felt like giving her away again. But, no matter the heart ache, the tears I cried over this, and the frustrations with it, I was so honored to make it, and so completely happy with the finished product. I am so blessed to be able to have the experiences I did.

So, with this blanket, I told my friend, I would write down the meanings of the things in the blanket, and why I did it. So, here goes:

Squares and sashing

Back of the quilt

The squares I made out of every different color I had in my stash. That is representative of the families. We are all from different backgrounds, different religious views, and different spaces in our lives. However, these special angels bind us all together. I chose to put the baby's squares in the center of the larger squares because I feel that we are all surrounding those children, loving them and honoring them. The baby's squares sit on top of a white square, showing that the baby is in Heaven. I chose to make the bulk of the quilt in white. The sashing is white, the borders are white, the backing is white, and most of the binding is white. The white signifies heaven. All of our babies have continued their journeys in Heaven. However, those special spirits are always around us, guiding us, loving us, and softening us, and I showed that by having the white surround the multi-color squares.

The header

The header I made purple, because that was the color the group chose to represent them on the invitations and throughout the event, this year. The lettering is yellow, like the invitations, also. I wanted to continue the purple around the whole quilt, because it shows that the organization is holding us all, helping us all, and loving all of the grieving families. I continued with another white border because again, those special spirits, and the Spirit of the Lord is guiding this organization to do the amazing work that they do for each one of us.

The binding

The binding, I actually thought about the whole month I was making this blanket. I couldn't come up with just the right colors, or patterns. Finally, I had it. I would leave it all white, with just patches of the colors in it, spread in uneven amounts around the whole blanket. In our lives, as a whole, there is so much more good than bad. These special families have experienced more heart ache and tragedy than most will ever, and its a grief that never goes away. However, they still find the good. For me, it's a reminder that the majority of life is so good, and heavenly even, and that sometimes, life just sprinkles on a little bit of bad, to teach us, to guide us, and to remind us. Sometimes bad things happen, to everyone. But, it takes the strong and exceptional, such as these beautiful families, to realize that there are blessings that come out of every bad thing handed to them.

Inside of the header, near the logo, there are items I have appliqued on. There is a bear, standing on some buttons, holding a red button. I put that because, not only is it cute, but because I feel like sometimes, as grieving parents, we look like that. We are all trying to balance our lives, our families, our friends, and our sanity, and sometimes we feel off balance, or even like we are going to fall. But, everyone in this group responds when needed, shares their stories and their feelings, reaches out a helping hand whenever called upon, and lifts us back up, and helps us find our balance again.

The hearts around the center square, each have 2 buttons under them, as if to hold them up. I put two there to represent a hug. Two arms reached around each one of us, hugging us, as we feel our hearts breaking, and two arms reached around our hearts, helping to heal them.

Finally, the giraffe. The giraffe is a personal thing. It reminded me of part of a logo I saw on folder I had gotten from Summerlin Hospital, after having one of my kids. But, it really hit me more when I realized that it also looked like the giraffe I would see once or twice a week at Sunrise Children's Hospital, when I would go take photos of my good friends baby who was born with an unexpected heart condition, and immediately upon arrival, had to have heart surgery. I went there, once or twice a week, sometimes more, to photograph their sweet baby boy, and document his condition for them, through photography. It was, now, my second favorite project. And I remember walking into the PICU, ringing the nurses station to be let in, and staring at their logo, that had a giraffe in it, on a flyer for 6 weeks, maybe longer. It was something I will never forget. So, I decided to add a bit of baby Daniel to the quilt, because, to me, he was a big part of my healing, and a big step into the direction of photography I really wanted to start doing. He really put me on the path of service, and doing something for other families, to help me heal, and bring back a positive attitude.

Baby Daniel just after surgery, 7 months ago! He's doing wonderfully now, and just a sweet, fun little baby boy!

So, that's the story of the quilt. To most, who don't read this, or haven't asked me about it, it will just be a blanket that someone made. But, to me, it will always mean so much more. To me, this blanket, and any blankets I get to make for this organization in the future, will be my sweet Eleanor's quilt that her mommy made just for her.

The finished quilt