Honoring Lost Girl

Tonight, Allan and I got the amazing opportunity to go to a very special Christmas event, honoring the little lives that parents have lost. It was a gut wrenching evening, but also, a special evening, because, while we didn't want to feel the emotions we knew we were going to feel, we left feeling how much love and support we have. All of the people in that room, love us, and support us, not to mention how amazing our family has been, in supporting and loving us through this difficult event in our lives.

To start the day, Taylor woke up with a small fever and green goup coming out of his nose. He just wasn't feeling well. So, I told Allan to go to church for the first 2 hours, with Sarah and Luke, and then I would need to be there for the 3rd hour, so we would need to switch off. In the middle of planning this, both of us realized that if Taylor is sick, we can't ask his parents to watch the kids, since we REALLY didn't want to get anyone sick, while we went to this Christmas event for the Bereavement group that we are a part of.............and we didn't want to miss it. So we resigned ourselves to the fact that we would have to be ok with taking all of the kids with us to the event. It wasn't what I wanted, mostly, because our kids are still little, and incredibly busy, and I just wanted Allan and I to be there, and in the moment, and not be running after them, and shushing them and being distracted. But it is what it is, and you have to just remain flexible.

As I started to get ready to go to church, Allan's mom called me, to let me know where Sunday dinner would be at. I had to inform her that we wouldn't be attending dinner tonight, and why we wouldn't be. I kind of told her about the event, what I knew about it, anyways. As I was telling her about it, I realized, I really haven't invited the grandparents to these events. I've never considered if they wanted to go, however, I also realized, I think I just want these events to just be for Allan and I. I think we need this, and we need it to be just us. I feel selfish thinking that, but even if it is, it is the truth, and sometimes, you just need to be selfish.

After church, and we got everyone laid down for naps, Allan and I were laying down, ourselves, and my phone rang. It was Allan's mom. I had a head ache, so I handed the phone to Allan. He talked for her for a bit, and then hung up. He turned to me and told me that his mom offered to watch the kids while we went to the event. We felt so grateful that she was willing to do that for us. We also felt terrible that our family was finally supposed to be having dinner at Lincoln and Cecilia's new house, and because Taylor is sick, and because of this event, his mom wouldn't be there for them, and we wouldn't be able to be there either. We felt so guilty, but so grateful for the love and understanding our family has for us.

Tonight, we went to Summerlin Hospital, where we lost our sweet Eleanor. We were greeted by Lisa, who runs the group, by her huge sweet hugs. Then she moved aside, and there was Tammy, the nurse, and my long lost relative, I think. HA! I couldn't wait to hug her. I missed her. We've gotten to chat via text here and there, but we don't get to see each other that often. I felt so relieved to see her, and I couldn't wait to talk to her. Lisa told us to find our ornaments we made previously, to hang on the tree, and have a seat.

Lisa explained to the group of about 40 or more people, how the event would go, and asked Tammy to say a prayer. After the prayer, Lisa introduced a woman who sings for all of the events. She was amazing. While she was singing, we were asked to go around the room and place our ornaments on the tree. The woman sang one of my favorite songs called, "Mary Did You Know?" The first table got up, to put their ornaments on the tree, for their lost baby. At the table, was another nurse from the hospital, who had lost her baby, her husband and her son, along with, what looked like both sets of grandparents. They all got up together, except for the grandfathers, and walked up to the tree and quietly, and sweetly, placed their ornaments on the tree.........At that moment, I was trying so hard not to cry.

Next up, was a single woman, who we always see and chat with at the groups. She lost her baby 3 years ago, and was alone. She said her mother and sister came down to be with her when she had her daughter, but sent them home after a week, and for 3 years, has been dealing with this on her own. She placed her ornament on the tree, with tears in her eyes, just as if she lost her daughter this year. As she walked up, I was trying so hard not to cry, because I could tell it would be that ugly cry, that I couldn't be quiet. I looked over at my husband, and he was feeling the same way I was. He was lightly sobbing, but you could tell he was holding so much in.

Next, it was our turn. We both took our ornaments up. I noticed Allan placed his ornament at the top of the tree (exactly where it should be) and I placed mine on the tree, level with my stomach. We turned and walked back to our chairs. Allan grabbed my hand, and cried a little harder. I felt what he was feeling........I didn't want to do this. I wanted to have her with me, and plan her first Christmas correctly. But this was the best we could do for her. Her first ornaments would be ornaments that her parents hand made special for her. We made those with our love, laughter, hearts, and care, with only her in mind.

After us, a lot of different types of groups got up. A lot of families, with their children came up. But a few came up, that really made me think and wonder. One woman got up, to put her ornament on the tree, but instead of a husband or parents with her, she had her two friends with her, and they each made ornaments too. They placed theirs on the tree, and then her. As she placed her ornament on the tree, for her sweet baby, I watched as the male friend placed his hand on her shoulder, while she sobbed and stood there for a second to see what she had placed. As they were turning to walk away, I watched as all three of them embraced briefly, and the female friend whispered lightly, "I love you."

Another one that struck me was a man.......or a boy. I don't know. He didn't look any older than 18. He got up, and grabbed his ornament off of the table. He obviously had been crying. I looked behind him, to see if his girlfriend or wife was coming up with him, but no one followed him, and no one one was sitting with him. He walked up alone, slightly crying, and placed his ornament on the tree also. I couldn't help but wonder what his situation was, where was everyone at for him?

After all of the ornaments were placed on the tree, the woman finished her third song, and we were all seated again, Lisa invited us all to partake of the refreshment before doing the candle lighting. During that time, we were able to sit with Tammy and Lisa and chat about what's been going on with us and them, about another woman in the group who is as pregnant as I am, and how she's doing, and about this new little life that's about to enter the world. It was sweet to hear how they wonder so much about me, and are waiting for me to come into the hospital to have him. I knew Tammy always kept up with my progress with Dr. Dalley, but I learned that the nurse that was in triage, the night I lost Ellie, also checks up on me, along with Lisa, who is also an L&D nurse. These ladies, who barely knew me, that night, have become such an amazing source of love and support that I have needed during this time. I love them so much, and I appreciate all of the wonderful things they have done for myself and my husband.

Finally, it was time for the candle lighting. I didn't really know how I was supposed to feel during this part of the event. I'm not sure what I felt, but I kept looking at that flame, and the only thing I could think of was, "This time last year, my hopes and happiness were brighter than this flame........and 1 year later, I feel as if the flame has been snuffed out." I didn't cry, I didn't move. I felt hurt, and angry, and robbed.......but I would only allow myself to feel those feelings for the few minutes that we had those candles burning. Those aren't productive feelings. Nothing can be gained from those feelings except more anger and hurt.

As we said our goodbyes, and told Tammy that we would see her very soon, so she could help our Dr. Dalley deliver this new baby boy, I felt like I was leaving my sweet girl again. I was leaving the little gifts we had made for our baby. But I knew we would be back again, to pick up our ornaments and bring them home, and put them away in her special chest we bought for her things. We would be back again, to give birth to her little brother. And we know she is helping to prepare him to enter this world......and especially to enter our family.

I left the hospital, and reflected on the different people there, and I couldn't help but think about how lucky we are. Some of those people didn't have anyone with them, and have lost friends along the way. We have so many people around us that love us, and want us to be happy, and want to support us in every thing we do, in regards to trying to heal from losing our daughter. They babysit for us, when it's the most inconvenient time for them. They change medical plans for us, constantly, so that we will feel confident and comfortable with what's going on. They bring us dinners, send us flowers, leave us little notes, let us talk their ear off, because we're having a bad day, allow us to be unhappy, and feel what we feel, and they still love us unconditionally. Most importantly, they remind us to continue to pray. They remind us to return to our Heavenly Father in prayer, and help us to realize, we cannot get through this time in our lives without Him and His help. We love our friends, family, and everyone around us, including the kind strangers that we may not even know are helping us. We would not be able to smile, even the minimal times that we do, without those people around us, constantly encouraging us.

Here are some pictures that Allan took on his cell phone, from the event tonight:

Allan's ornament is the red one

My ornament

The tree, after all of the ornaments were placed.....there's just too many on there, huh?

Some extra ornaments, in case you weren't able to make one with us, previously

Christmas Fast Approaches

These last few days (basically, since Thanksgiving, HA!) I have been little miss downer. I have been in a bad mood, crazy depressed and tired all of the time. Sure, I'm growing a human, so my emotions are all out of whack, and if that was the reason, I would take it. But, I know, it's not.

When you have a miscarriage, have a still birth, or lose a child, there are always 2 options for people to think. First, they could think, "Well, at least she has other children" or they could think, "at least she doesn't have any children to explain this to." It never works out, in either scenario. For me, I had 3 wonderful, energetic, children, when I lost Eleanor.

(This is just what I feel in my situation. I cannot speak for the other side of things.) Why not think, "at least she has other children?" What could the downside to that be? Well, there are a lot. While they build you up, so much, with their sweet smiles, snuggles and unconditional love, they also, unknowingly, tear you down because they don't understand what happened. In my case, my daughter lost all trust and faith in me as a parent, my 4 year old son constantly asks questions about his baby sister, and the new baby coming, asking if the new baby is going to die, and if picking him up too much killed his baby sister. The 3 year old, he doesn't get it really. I don't think he'll remember any of this, honestly.

Another down side, when the holidays come, and you have children already......you know EXACTLY what you're missing with that lost child. Lately, that's been most of my depression. I know exactly what she would've been doing. I know her milestones, and each holiday, what outfits I would've bought for her, and what presents I would've gotten for her. But this year, I don't want to do any of those things. Yes, I know I have 3 other children that need me, and want to do Christmas, and they are excited about it all. But there should be an 11 month old, toddling around, starting to talk, probably coming down with colds, and getting ready to experience her first Christmas. Taking her first picture with Santa, going and seeing the Ethel M Cactus Garden lights for the first time, going to the house by Allan's parents house, where you tune your car to a radio station, and the lights blink to the music. We should be stressed because her first birthday is coming up, right after Christmas, and we should be stressed about how we can afford both things, even though, we'd make it work anyways. Sarah would tell her fun stories about Santa, along with the boys, and all of the fun things that she thinks happen at the North Pole. We would go to my mom's annual Christmas party, and she would have her first Christmas party, and get to sit with Santa and get the special gift he brouht just for her, while we stand in a good spot and try to take her picture, while she bawls, because she has no idea who this hairy guy is.

But none of that is happening. Instead, I am watching the calendar, and participating in every painful Christmas event that happens, wishing I was taking her and Sarah with me. Last night, we had the ward Christmas party. I couldn't go last year, and I can't remember why, so I was looking forward to this year, but I couldn't go this year either. My sister had a recital (which she rocked!) and I went to that, and bawled for 4 hours straight. Then, Allan sent pictures of my kids participating in the nativity skit, that they did at the church. Today, I went to our Young Women's Christmas Breakfast, and I wished, the whole time, my girls would've been able to pass her around and let her try the peach french toast. Tonight we have Allan's work Christmas party, and with all of this in my head, I don't want to celebrate anything. Next week, I would be taking Sarah and possibly Ellie on the hay rack ride, where it would be her first time caroling, and having hot chocolate at the Hunt's and all kinds of sweets. Next weekend is my mom's Christmas party. And before every event, I cry on my sweet husband, and he just lets me, and says, "I know. It's so hard. I wish I could fix it."..................What would I rather do? I want to sit at home, not decorate for Christmas, or watch any Christmas movies. I have no desire to do much of anything except sit at home, and hope that my kids don't know it's Christmas time, so they won't ask me to do any of the common things you do for Christmas. But this year, instead, we are going to the hospital tomorrow night, where we had Ellie, and putting our ornaments that Allan and I made for her, on the tree.

This year is not magical, or wonderful, or any of that for me. There have been some spots of magic, and wonder, but I can't look back and say that I'm overall, happy with this year. Overall, this year killed my spirit.  I cry too much now, I fake every happy emotion, I'm so stressed about this new baby that I'm causing contractions and bad head aches. I'm stressed about my other 3 kids, because I know I'm not the mom that I should be for them. But I'm trying so hard.

My family and friends ask me what I want for Christmas......"Nothing" is always the answer. They hate that. My sister helped me realize that it's because I feel like I don't deserve anything good. I don't deserve anything for myself. I don't deserve to be happy. I don't deserve any sort of celebrating or praise. She says it's not true, but she understands, because with all of her miscarriages, she feels the same way sometimes. It was nice to have her just know how I felt, and understand that, and convey that back to me.

Will it get better? Yes, I know over time it will get a lot better. Over time, it won't hurt so bad. Over time, I won't want her around every moment of the day, and I won't wonder what she's doing all of the time. Over time, I won't hate babies because they rip my heart out. Over time, I will gain my confidence back in myself, and know that I am worth so much more than I think I do now. Over time, I will stop punishing myself and blaming myself, and calling myself a murderer, because our daughter died. Over time, I will know this was just something that happened and couldn't be helped. Over time, I will allow people to love me again, and I will love myself again, too.

Maybe next year.......

I am going to go upstairs now, get ready for this party, put on my happy face that I've gotten so good at......so good that sometimes I can't take it down when I want to, to let someone in. I'm going to try to get pretty for my husband, so I will feel somewhat worthy of the compliments I know he will give me, and go to this party.

What I want for Christmas, I can't have. It's not possible. But, next on the list would be to find my happiness, and for things to get easier. For the happiness to not be fake, but real. I think it will happen, but it will just take time. Lots of time. And it will happen eventually.

Firsts

To start off, Happy Thanksgiving!! I wish it was a little more happy for our family. The weeks (ok, maybe months) leading up to the start of the three big holidays for our family, Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas, I have been anxiety ridden. I knew, as soon as they all started, I'd have to watch everyone else, with their new little ones, experience their first holidays, while I sat there and watched, pretending to be happy, and crumbling on the inside.

First up, Halloween. I always buy the kids matching Halloween shirts and matching Halloween PJ's. I stress over Halloween costumes, making sure each kid gets to pick out that perfect costume that is just right for them and their particular interests at the time. However, as I was walking around stores with Sarah, Luke and Taylor, helping them choose their costumes, I couldn't help but feel cheated. I saw so many cute little baby girl costumes, and I couldn't buy one of them for Ellie. I couldn't get that picture of all 4 of my children in their matching shirts. I couldn't get the picture of all 4 of my children getting ready to go trick or treating at my mom's house, with their aunt and uncle. I couldn't buy her a little pumpkin to go with our 5 big ones, that would represent her chubby little cheeks and body. I couldn't watch her little face and hands squinch and squirm with disgust and delight, as she felt pumpkin guts for the first time, and then tried to eat them, as all children do. I wanted to make it special for Sarah, Luke and Taylor, but it was all a lie, because I wasn't interested in celebrating anything.

Next up, Thanksgiving. A few weeks ago, I brought it up to Allan, that we usually go to St. George for Thanksgiving, but I was uneasy about going. I didn't want to go there, and see all of the babies that were born this year (and there were a lot!) get to experience their first taste of turkey and gravy, and watching them smear mashed potatoes all over their faces, while their mothers try to figure out how to get this instant glue off of their, once, beautiful child's face and body, and clothes. I didn't want to see all of the aunts and grandma's try to get all of the new cousin's together, to get a big group shot of the little cuties. I just wanted it to all go away. BUT, Allan hasn't been to St. George in over a year to see his family, and I really wanted to just push through it and get up there, so he can be with his family, no matter what. However, around Halloween time, I broke my tail bone, making it incredibly painful to drive anywhere, especially for an hour and a half. But, I told Allan I wanted to go, and we will just play it by ear. My dear, sweet husband, knew I was really struggling with the holidays, put his foot down, and said, "No. We can go up later." He told me he had had some of the same feelings, and didn't want to watch that either, and he didn't want me to be in pain for so long, just for him. So we opted to have Thanksgiving with my mother and her family. Last night, as we were going to bed, Luke and Taylor had a bit of a cough, but nothing that cold medicine wasn't calming, so I wasn't worried. But, I was worried about Allan. He came down with their cold, and wasn't doing so hot. So, it was in the back of my mind that Thanksgiving dinner may not happen at all. But, this morning, we woke up, and everyone was falling apart, except for Sarah and I. Not to mention, Allan came down stairs, sat in the recliner, and just started to sob. I came over and sat on his lap and snuggled him. He missed his other little girl, for the same reasons I was. I can't say I was too disappointed to be staying home today. However, playing nurse is not my forte, along with taking care of the kids morning, noon and night, with no help or break for 2 days.

As the day came to a close, and the kids got their baths and were set for bed, I went down stairs to clean up a bit of a mess. I stood, in the kitchen, feeling completely depleted and defeated, and just sobbed myself. I kept thinking of my boys playing in the bath, and how much fun it would be to have their 10 month old little sister in the bath, playing with their toys, laughing with them. I thought about getting the boys out of the tub, and getting each of them dried off, and pajama'd up, and knowing that there is one more that should need that same service too.

Finally, Christmas. Christmas is going to kill me, I think. I'm trying so hard to be excited about Christmas, as I usually am. I always decorate the house, nag Allan to put up the lights, go over board with shopping for presents, and go crazy at every store I go to, buying more Christmas decorations, preferably snowmen. As with Halloween, and Thanksgiving, the kids get their holiday must haves, shirt, pj's and Christmas outfit. This year, however, I'm pushing myself so hard to care. I'm so glad I was smart enough to get my shopping done early. Because if I had to do all of my shopping now, with this attitude, my kids would never know Christmas came and went in our house. I don't care about any of it. Because it's another First. There's another reminder of what she would be doing, for the first time, and I won't get to see it. Her brothers and sister won't get to do any of it with her. One of my favorite things, for Christmas, is getting that picture with Santa. Each of the kids has their first picture with Santa (usually done at Bass Pro Shop. HA!)......I will never have that. The thing that hurts the most, is when I was doing my shopping for this year's Christmas, I was pregnant with Ellie, not knowing if she was a boy or a girl. I bought her presents that I thought she would like at the age she would be. I still have them, and will never get to see her open them. I will never get to see her big sister show her how to do everything, and make her giggle and belly laugh.

I hope that next year, these feelings will be slightly lessened. I hope I will find more joy, than sorrow, in the trials life has brought to me to handle. For the next few months, I would like to just roll over in bed, pull the covers over my head, hope that everyone has forgotten about me, and not get out of bed. Next year, I hope my children will know that their mommy loves them, because I feel like lately, I've been dealing with so many things, emotionally, physically, and spiritually, that I don't have a lot of feeling left for anything or anyone else. I don't hug them enough. I don't praise them enough. I don't make them feel special enough. I don't play with them enough. I never wanted my children to ever become a trial in my life, like I hear so many women at church say. But I feel like they have lately, and I hate myself for that. I don't want to yell anymore, and fight with them anymore, and feel guilty anymore because of a spanking or time outs. They are the constant reminders that my body failed to give them another little person to run around with, play swords with, be loud with, fight with, teach things to, and love on. I don't want to constantly feel like I'm pushing myself along, every day, to stay motivated to be a good wife, mother and daughter. I want to be that again, just easily, as before. I don't want to beat myself up, and question myself, and blame myself anymore. I don't want to fake happiness every day. I want to just be happy.

These next months are going to be the hardest of my life, so far. It's going to come with a lot of uncontrollable, ugly cries. People will have to just be understanding, and know that there is nothing they can do, except for listen to that small voice that says, "Laurie might need a friend today", and act upon it, and give a hug. It's a strange thing wanting everyone to leave you alone and forget you exist, but at the same time, feeling lonely, and wishing someone would just notice, and wanting them to just give you a hug, and let you cry. I'm not sure how to sort that one out.

While these next few months will be the hardest, but hopefully, out of all of the tears and pain, a new little man will enter the world, reminding me of his angel sister, and help me to realize, once again, that it's all ok, and life is good, and beautiful. Hopefully, I will feel all of those things I wish so desperately for, again, and things will rebuild. But for now, I sure miss her, and want her here.

Rogers Haps

We've had a lot going on lately. There's been a lot of doctors appointments, for Unit #5, about a bajillion Halloween parties, Church stuff, more doctors appointments, cutsie pie moments, baking, more doctors appointments, and finally Halloween. SO..........Here it goes.

Sometimes, in the morning, after dropping Sarah off at school, we go to Ellie's grave and have a breakfast picnic with her. This is the best I can do, at getting all 3 of my youngest in one picture. Usually, as it goes, Luke stays with me, and he always wants to say a prayer, and they are so dang adorable and sweet. He is a loving big brother, that's for sure. Taylor usually pounds down his donuts, and then runs off to another childs grave and tries to play with their toys. He has no remorse. It ends in screaming (from Taylor) because I won't let him take the toy, and we leave. Not very thoughtful or tranquil, but still, I try. It's the thought that counts, right?

A few days prior to this picture, Grandma Vicki came over to babysit for us. The kids LOVE with she comes, because she always has super cool activities for them to do. She's so awesome! This time she came over, it was pirate themed, for Pirate Day, according to the Disney Channel. Well, Taylor and Luke have really been into pirates lately, and Taylor decided that he needed to wear the eye patch all day this day, and scream "Argh Baby!" at everyone. Luke did not find this very funny. I did. HA!

For Halloween this year, Luke was Captain Jack Sparrow, from Pirates of the Carribean. He was dressed up for his very first Halloween Party at his preschool. He couldn't stop jumping, he was so dang excited. He just had to tell everyone about his costume and how cool it was, so actually being able to put it on for the first time, sent it over the edge. He had a ton of fun at his party, and everyone loved his costume.

This is the crib bedding we picked out, and my mommy bought, for the new baby boy. It's all Cat in the Hat, and its stinkin adorable. I can't wait to finish the rest of the room!!!

Cookie Decorating!!!

Our cute cookies

Our cute kids

Taylor looking guilty, cause he stole some frosting and ate it

......and so did Luke

.....and so did Sarah

.....and so did Daddy

Sarah decorating

Luke decorating

Them after decorating......gross Taylor

That's Taylor's spider sprinkle

Sarah was really into this cookie

We had a fun time decorating, me and the kids. We really had fun running around to everyone! They loved making people happy.

 New pics of the baby boy. He's showin you his tickets to the gun show. He's already got chubby cheeks. The doc says he's measuring a week ahead, and roughly weighs a pound and a half. And he's still a boy.

Primary Program!!

After the primary program, that Luke and Sarah sang in, Allan and his mom took them outside, to take a few pictures. Sarah was in a fowl mood, and wouldn't be in them, so that's why she's not in them. But Allan took some really REALLY cute pictures for me to touch up, and I LOVE them. My boys are so cute and handsome......when they are acting good like this. We were all surprised that Luke sang all of the songs, and was a "brave boy", so he looked especially proud in all of the pictures.

Eagle Project at Sarah's Halloween Carnival at Her School!

The kid on the right is Jared. Sarah has a MAJOR crush on him.....and she's not shy about it either.

This is Tanner. It was his Eagle Project. I think is the neatest kid.

Sarah would only get finger printed by Jared. HAHA!



Luke got fingerprinted by his brother Jacob......he didn't care who fingerprinted him. HA!

We went to a "Harvest Festival" at Sarah's school one night, and I was surprised to see some of my Young Women, and then Young Men there. They were helping Tanner finger print kids, for Nevada Child Seekers. I think he needed 60 kids, or 100 kids, finger printed. I can't remember how many. He got all but 14, which he was able to finish up the next day at the primary program practice. HORRAY! So, I donated my kids, and my nephew Jordan, to be finger printed, to help the cause.

Halloween Party at Sarah's Dance School!!!

Sarah where she is most comfortable.....In front of a mirror

The kids decorating with Ms. Amanda, Sarah's dance teacher

Sad Batman

Freeze dancing

Batman got hurt, and needed a hug from Batmommy

What? Everyone checks out their butt when there's a mirror around.

Batman challenging Ms. Amanda

They were soooo excited when they saw Super Woman.

The teachers helping the kids learn the Thriller dance

Luke couldn't stop looking at his costume.

Taylor had a different approach to looking at himself in the mirror

Don't you feel better now that you're all caught up in our lives? I know I do.