Just Breathe......one....two.....three.......

A year and a half is a long time, isn't it? In a year and a half time, you can dramatically alter the course of your life, and who you are, so much that looking back at yourself at the beginning of that chunk of time, you would be unrecognizable. But, under other circumstances, a year and a half is nothing. It is not enough time to make new habits and changes for the better in your life, sometimes. In my case, in my life, I am experiencing both of those thoughts at the same time today. It's not a long time, but it's such a long time!

My husband made the choice to leave the LDS Church (Mormons) a year and a half ago. He actually made the choice a few years before that, but hid it from me the whole time. He would always attend church, but was never actually paying attention, or putting his whole self into it. I felt it, but I thought he was just distracted, and would come back around. I never thought any different. When he finally let me in to his loss of faith in our religion, and in God, he also dropped some other bombshells on me at the same time, which made it even harder to comprehend what was going on, and how to even begin to sift through all of the rubble that had become my family, and my life. For me, it was a complete surprise, and shock, and very much out of the blue. I felt betrayed, because he lied to me for so long. Now, to be fair, I knew that he had struggled with his faith in years past, but I never had the impression that it was anything that time and a little effort on his part, couldn't fix.

I was already seeing a therapist for my depression, and to help me navigate the grief that still held on tight to my heart, so it was easy to go to her with this new development. We decided that my husbands faith issue had to be put on hold to work through things that were more immediate, and detrimental for him, myself and our small family. Luckily, as time went, and new therapists entered the arena, and old ones left, we were put on a path with amazing resources and help. Because of this help, I felt that I could let go of some of the control and worry, and let others take that hurt and worry, so we could refocus our efforts and attention on the other struggles we had shelved. So, we were able to come back and start to revisit Allan's loss of faith, and ultimate departure of the LDS Church. It was put on hold for a year.......and excruciating year for me, and I'm sure for him.

As we worked together to heal some of these wounds that Allan leaving the church has caused in us, I became more and more bitter, actually. I felt at peace with our direction, but I was so bitter too. I was jealous at all of the resources that he had at his disposal, and all of the support he had. He had access to our therapists to help him work through his thoughts and feelings. He had support groups, both in person, and online. He has even showed me couples retreats, for people who are leaving the faith and how to transition. But, for me...........there was no support group. There was no one to talk to. There was no validation of my pain, confusion, and conflict. There was only silence, and the anti-Mormon speech that I heard over and over again. There was no calm to be had for me.

In my experience, in my faith, as a woman, we are taught to hold fast, endure, wear a smile, and be happy, even in our trials. My experience has taught me to wear a smile at church, and at activities, and whisper your problems to a friend. Never tell anyone, and if you do, certainly don't be loud about it. Always strive for perfection and be graceful. If you know me, you can imagine how that fairs with me. LOL! I cannot stay quiet, and I want to talk to everyone about everything, and gain as many opinions as I can. If I am quiet, something is wrong. I do not want to paint the picture that this is how it is for all Church members of our faith. Not at all! This is only my experience, and my opinion.

Because of my own experience, I shut down this whole time, shutting everyone out of my life, even long time friends, because I don't know what to say to them anymore, and its too painful to try to think of how to talk, about anything. I find myself on Facebook, Instagram and other social media sites, trying to keep up with what's going on, all the while, thinking to myself, "I DON'T CARE!!! This is not important!" I am uninterested in keeping up appearances. I don't have the energy, and it's not real. Plus, I don't want to hear any opinions, because I'm afraid they will tell me that the choices I have made are wrong. I don't want to hear their experiences, or a close friend or family members experiences, because I'm afraid they will be negative experiences. And most of all, I don't want to "out" my husband because I'm afraid of how everyone will treat him, and the rest of my family. I have spent the last year and a half, only having those deep, real, honest, vulnerable, conversations with 2 women. I have thrown myself into my children, and into therapy with my husband, and with the kids. Even when people would ask how I am doing, and what is going on, I do not tell them honestly. They have no idea what I have been going through, enduring, and feeling.

As a partner, of someone who has left the church, who is staying in the church, there is no support. Everyone flocks to the deserter, to bring him back to the "fold", but leaves the partner, and their pain, and their trauma in the dust, as if they are invisible. In my husbands case, I feel like it means more to him when he sees me being supported, and loved, and people supporting our family as it is now, not what it COULD be. In my experience, it has been a bit different. My bishop, and his family, have been........incredible. My bishop meets with me regularly, and when he can't, we have lengthy conversations over text, which is just fine with me, and makes me feel so good. It is just as good as a face to face visit. I have had my relief society president reach out to me and schedule a lunch here and there for just her and I to chat, and catch up. Our Stake President has asked some very raw, and honest questions about why my husband has left the church, and really wants to know the real reason why he left. He doesn't offer spiritual reasonings for it. He only offers his sympathy for what my husband went through that led him to this, and what he is going through right now, as he transitions into life without his faith. I can't say enough good things about the leaders in my ward for the way they have shown their love, and support, to my family. 

But, it's not enough. Is it? I spend my days, and my nights, with my head reeling, going insane with thoughts of how to navigate each conversation with my husband. And stress every day that we see our extended families, wondering how they will be towards him. Hoping and praying that religious topics never come up during dinner, so that I won't have to choose sides. I want to respect Allan's wishes, and his feelings, and his opinions. But, I want to be heard too. I don't want to cause a fight, and raise my voice, but I never feel heard, so I scream, thinking that if I'm louder, he will finally get itu. And I am always guess if I am doing, saying, or being the right thing. I am constantly analyzing everything he says, and always being very thoughtful and methodical with my responses, so that I am not rocking the boat. All the while, I am afraid he will leave me, because we are so different now. I feel alone. I feel abandoned by my community. I feel abandoned by other partners, who's spouses have left the church. I feel like I'm trying to navigate this treacherous terrain, with my children in tow, petrified of how this is affecting them, and their pain, and I'm not sure if I'm even getting anywhere.......and where I'm even going! I can't be the only one attempting to have a successful marriage, while going through this! And yet, I am alone in this, because no one talks. 

I have felt a lot of pressure from myself, and from those around me, but mostly from myself, to get this right. To continue putting the smile on at church, convincing everyone that I am strong, things are under control, and we ARE INDEED, happy at home. It's not for me, it's only for them. It makes them feel better, I think, to feel that what they are doing is making a difference for me and my family. IT IS! It really is. But, not in such dramatic ways that they are wanting. That can only be done by the work that Allan and I are currently doing. But, I buckled under that pressure, so I gave myself time off from church, to regroup. My faith is not shaken. That cannot be done. But, I am too scared to return to church. It's been 2 months since I've sat in sacrament. I am so afraid. I am scared that by me going, it will be a clear, and continued separation between my husband and I, that can only lead to unhappiness, with me choosing one path, and him another, leaving our children stuck in the middle. I'm not ready for that metaphorical separation yet. I'm so afraid.

I feel attacked, a lot, by my husband. He does not mean to. He is lost in his own emotions and thoughts right now, trying to navigate his own journey, with leaving this organization. The LDS church is not just a Sunday thing. It is a 3-4 day a week commitment, many hours each day spent focusing on it. It is a very demanding church, both on time, and on self. Allan was raised his whole life in the church, many many generations back. To say it is not easy for him either, is an understatement. He has struggled more than anyone can imagine. So, I understand his lashing out to me. I'm his person. I'm always around. I'm his partner in this life. That's how it is! But, it leaves very little room for me to feel safe to fight back, and defend myself. I, a lot of the time, feel that my husband has lost sight of who I am as a person, and only sees the lable of "Mormon", because of his own hurt feelings on the subject, and therefore can only define me by that..........that is something I LOATH.

In this journey, of a year and a half I have learned something important. I am NOT Mormon. I am LAURIE. I am so much more than just one title. There are so many more things about me, than my faith, and my religion of choice. I understand the focus wanting to be that, and I am, by no means, not proud of my faith and religion. But, I am more proud of ME, and to be ME. I am a mother of 4 amazing, sensational, children. I am, on a good day, an ammeter photographer, I am a wife, I am a woman, I have a deep emotional, sense of myself. I am just emotional in general, HA! I am funny. I have no filter, even though I want one so badly. I have no volume control on my voice, I think. I am sarcastic. I can cut you deep before you can blink, with my words. I am quick witted. I am smart. I am not scholarly educated, but I wish I was. That is a huge regret of mine. I feel music in my bones, and when I hear a lot of songs, any genre, it effects my soul, and I find myself in tears a lot. I love music. I wish I could play the piano so badly. I have very little confidence in myself anymore. I am weak. I never think I am good enough at most things. I have a lot of hurts, and traumas from my childhood that guide my life right now, and they aren't good......which is why I am working on them with an amazing trauma therapist. I love to quilt, but I'm not great at it, and I don't care. I am very ashamed of my weight gain at the moment, and it tears me apart to know I have gained 50 pounds over this year and a half, and it is showing no sign of leaving me. I do not feel I am pretty, but I do feel like I have great hair. LOL! I have a sailors mouth, and a quick temper. And I have no patience.......for anything. HA! I am lazy a lot. I hate putting laundry away, and cleaning a bathroom makes me gag every time. I, only, fully trust 2 people in my whole life right now, not even myself. I am loving. I am forgiving. I am loyal. I am thoughtful. I just want to be loved, and noticed, so I go out of my way to notice everyone around me, because I never want anyone to feel as I have felt, and still feel. I am constantly changing, and I am constantly showing a mental image of who I want to be at the end of my life, and that image never goes away. I am always aiming for that woman, in every decision I make. And.....I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. 

So, when I feel attacked by my husband, and others around me, I do not understand how he doesn't see those things about me, and he only sees "Mormon". I would love a place to reach out to. I would love a group to talk to. I would love to feel not alone. I understand the value of that validation soooooo much, with the loss of my daughter, and the support groups I had, and other things that I have been navigating.......and yet, I feel like I am supposed to keep this quiet, and hidden, instead of talk about it.

I am afraid. I am lonely. I am so much more than what most of society sees about me. I am so much more than my husband sees in me right now. However, I have faith that my husband will see me again. I love him. I want him to see me so badly. I miss him. I wish that there were more resources to help me navigate my way through this. Not articles and opinions telling me that people who leave the church are only doing so because they are lazy. Not advice to divorce my husband, because I need the priesthood in my home. Not notions that my eternal salvation has been stolen from me, because of him. Not condescending prayers for my kids, because "now they have no good priesthood example". Not the looks of pity, and comments of how I look tired, how I cannot let myself go during this process, and how I have gained weight. That by showing this, that it is effecting my children, and they see it, and it will only hurt them. I KNOW! I KNOW!!! I cry nightly about that very last one! I have no room for those things. I need support. I need to be uplifted. I need strength, because my arms are about to give out, carrying this load alone.

I need my husband to know that no matter what this last year and a half has brought me, that I am still here, fighting for him, because I see him. I know him. No matter what he's done, or the choices he's made, I am never leaving him. I want him, all of him. I chose him all those years ago, and that choice has never been regretted. Not once. I love him. I am in love with him.

I am not sure the point of this writing anymore. It is my story. It is a general picture of my life right now. Chaotic, and thought out. A mess, but organized. Hell, but a lot of heaven creeping back in. Fear, but safety in that fear, sometimes. I don't want to be quiet anymore, but I probably should still, for now. So, I will continue to do what I have done this whole journey.......Just breathe, and count.....

Breathe in....one....two....three.........Breathe out..............

An Update on Our Clan

I feel like it has been a million years since I have posted anything! Things have been hectic, difficult, a whole lot of hell, tons of changes and lovely, all at one time, for our family. I haven't really known if I should write about everything going on. But that feels like I lie, since, this is a journal, of sorts, for our family........that is public.

Over the last year, our kids have thrived, and grown. I think even over the last month, they have grown the most. I'm not sure why that is, but I'm not hating it. Sarah is 10 years old now! Changes for her this year have been being diagnosed with ADHD. As far as anyone that knows her is concerned, this isn't a huge shock. HA! She, however, is doing great with it. We are trying to teach her to be responsible for taking her medication in the morning, talking with the doctor herself when she has questions and concerns, and giving her ways to cope at school when she gets distracted. This one has not been an easy change, as Sarah is so loving, kind, fun, and energetic, she gets distracted by everything, and wants to be in everything. She isn't concerned when she doesn't do well on a test, or an assignment. She just says, "That's ok. I will try to do better next time!" She just has such a positive attitude, and I love it! But, there is no concern, at the moment, by her, if she is doing well or not. HAHA! I imagine that will change next year, when she enters middle school. Sarah is still in swim, and loves it so much. She likes being goofy with her instructors, but they are also able to help her focus on what she needs to be doing to get better. That has been a huge strength. She is also in ballet class, and loves that! She comes out of dance class just glowing, and happy. I'm not sure if she's great at either one of those activities, but she is loving it, so who cares?! She also, just recently, cut off 13 inches of her hair, and donated it to Locks of Love. I couldn't be more proud of her giving, and kind, spirit.

Lucas just turned 9 years old. Allan and I had taken Luke to the pediatrician because of some signs that he was exhibiting that made us think he might have Aspergers. However, when we took him to the psychologist for testing, she said that he doesn't. But, he does have an anxiety disorder, which can look like Aspergers, or other forms of Autism. Since then, Luke has been in therapy with an amazing therapist, who has helped him so much. He is doing a lot better, and making small strides every week. He is definitely opening up more to people, slowly. He has an amazing teacher this year, Mr. Weimer, who has really gone above and beyond his job, and has invested so much time into helping Luke succeed. Luke even has a best friend, Sean! Luke has never really had friends, so that's a huge thing for him! Luke was in swim with Sarah, but after a while, he just didn't like it. We tried to push him a little bit, but he just wasn't into it. So, he stopped doing that. Instead, he was doing Rock Climbing, and loved that for a while. But, eventually, just didn't want to go anymore. I think there were just too many people there as it gained popularity, and it made him so nervous, that he just shut down. Currently, Luke loves cooking, and has taken a few cooking classes, and has been asking to take some art classes. He loves crafts, and making things. Luke is really a funny kid, and keeps us laughing with his off the wall, really smart, comments that he makes. He is very smart, and very very thoughtful. I am so proud of the work that he has been doing.

Taylor is 7 years old, and is just as "Taylor" as ever. He is a spitfire. I tell his teachers that he is the worst combination for a 7 year old. He is incredibly competitive, and even more sensitive, and emotional. HAHA! He is doing great in school, and really working hard. He is one smart kid! He gets that from his dad. He is also doing swim, and has a love/hate relationship with it. We made a deal that if he gets to Sarah's level, then I will let him stop, if he wants to. (He's not loving it, either). It's been a great motivator for him, because it forces him to stop goofing around, and really listen to his instructors and apply their corrections. He is taking a long time to progress, but I am loving the change in focus that I see in him. He loves racing with the other kids, and gets really fired up before a race. He hates to lose though, especially to his instructor, so he leaves crying, and mad. HAHAHA! But he comes back fighting the next time, that is, after he's done whining that he has to go. I'm sure that once I will figure out how to channel that competitive and passionate side of him, and he will just soar in everything he does.

Elliott just turned 4 years old........that makes me sad. He's getting so big, and so smart, and I hate it. I want my baby back!! He is a lot like Taylor, as far as being competitive, and sensitive. But, he's not as passionate with it. We are STILL working on potty training. I swear, I cannot figure out how people do it so quickly! I must have the most stubborn kids on the planet.....or I'm the worst mom. Either can be true, but I like to think it's the kids. But, he is getting it, and I really think he can do it, if he will just try. He understands it, but just refuses. He is also in swim class, and LOVES his instructor, Miss Jordan. He's kind of a flirt with all of the ladies there, and is especially in love with her. He yells to her, from across the pool, while waiting for Sarah and Taylor to get done with their classes, and says he loves her, she's beautiful, and blows her kisses for the whole lesson. It is so funny to watch, and she doesn't seem to hate it at all. He loves going to swim, but isn't particularly great at it. He just loves to play, and have attention. Plus, I think he likes the ladies in the bathing suits. HA! And that's ok with me too. He will start pre-school next school year, if we can get him potty trained in time. He is very excited about that. He loves playing with the big boys, and loves trying to be as big as them, even though they don't let him tag along much. His favorite thing right now, is snuggling in bed in the morning with mommy (and daddy if we can talk him into getting back into bed with us). He loves Face Timing Auntie Cassie in the morning, and seeing Jake. He's such a sweet loving mama's boy, and I love that so much. I wish he would just stay little forever.

As far as Allan and I, it's been a bumpy road this last year. But, overall, it's been a year of growth. We have started seeing a few therapists that have been helping us navigate through some really big issues between us, and individually, and it's been really good. It has been a huge struggle, as those close to us know too well, but the struggle has been worth it, because of everything we have gained from it. I feel like we have changed our relationship, and grown closer. Everything going on could've torn us apart, but it has actually started to us closer together. It's been a long, hard road for us, and it's far from over, but we are optimistic that it will all work out for the positive. I feel like we have a lot of those moments in our marriage. I am grateful for those that have helped us, and supported us through this difficult time. We really are so appreciative of those people, because without them, we couldn't have done the work that we have been able to do, and done as well as we have been doing.

Allan has made the most change this year, I think. He has become a new man, really. It's hard to get used to, sometimes, but I am. At work, Allan has thrived! He has been so successful at Adobe, it is mind blowing. Last year, he was SC of the Year, and this year, so far, he has been SC of the quarter. Every time I meet any of his coworkers, they can't help but tell me how great he is at his job, what a great guy he is, and how they wouldn't be as successful in their jobs without him. He finally feels at home at Adobe, and I couldn't be happier, and more proud, about that. Personally, he has taken up building models again, and finds a lot of peace in doing that, especially when it's a hard day. He also has loved flying his drone around, and playing around with taking videos when he takes the kids, or friends and family, on hikes. It's pretty cool!

Personally, Allan has made some difficult choices, too. He has decided to leave the Church. I know that it has been weighing on him for quite a while, but I just thought over time, it would handle itself. But, he came to me one day, and said he didn't believe in it anymore. It has been a really hard adjustment for me, and for him, along with our children. I think, if anything, it might have been easier if his doubts, and feelings, would've been communicated with me, then it would've been a much smoother transition, and a little easier to deal with. But, I was blindsided with it, and his decision had been made without including me in that process. That is something that he says, very often, he wishes he could change. He says, all of the time, that if he could go back, and take me with him on his journey, with his faith, that he would. He says that's one of his biggest regrets. We are coming along with it, and trying to find that common ground now, and find the best way to mesh it all together. I am still very faithful in my religion, and I take the kids to church with me. Allan is very supportive of this, even though it is hard for him. He helps get the kids ready for church, and makes lunch for us when we get home. He tries to attend all of their church, and scout functions, and help in any way he can, in that area. I know this has been difficult for him, and I do not take it lightly. For me, it is painful, because it doesn't fit with the image that I had for my life, and the direction I wanted my family to head in when we married in the St. George Temple almost 12 years ago. But, the most important thing, really, is that I love him, and I am in love with him. I want him to be happy. I want him to be at peace with any decisions he makes. I want him to love me, and support me. I want him to love our children, and support them. I want him to be a good father, and a good husband, and a good man. I just want him to find happiness, and reach the potential, as a person, that I know he is capable of. I know that no matter what he does in life, he will be successful, and great. Ultimately, I am proud of him! He has worked hard on this area of his life, and others more personal, and has come out just amazing. I am proud to be his wife, no matter what.

As for me, this year has been one of the hardest I have encountered in quite a while, for multiple reasons. A lot of those reasons, I will keep personal. But, with the help of many therapists, I am doing really well with it all. It is still hard, but I am able to cope with things coming my way, so much better, in a MUCH healthier manner. I took a while off from photography, and from bereavement photography, because I just needed 100% of my focus to be on my marriage, and on my children, as we navigated through this turmoil. Now, as I have slowly come back into photography, I am finding it to be much more therapeutic than it was ever before. I feel so much pressure in my life, all of the time, to hold everything together, and stay on top of everything, so my mind is going a million miles an hour every moment of every day, numbing myself from all of my emotions. Shooting photos makes me only focus on that one image in my eyepiece. It makes my brain push everything out, and stay singly focused on that subject, and find that emotion. Editing those photos later, does the exact same thing for me. I am beyond grateful for photography, because I don't think I could've gotten through this year, without that outlet. As I have come back, I am getting busier and busier. I'm not sure why, and I'm not pushing it. I am making mistakes left and right, I know it. But, I'm trying my hardest to ride the wave. It won't last long, I'm sure, so I might as well enjoy it while I can!

Our family is not perfect, not by a long shot, but we are a great family. We are, above anything else, resilient. We are hard workers, and love each other, and those around us. We are finding value in the hard things, doing good with what we have learned, and passing along. That's what we are on this Earth to do, right? We just happen to be very entertaining doing it.