Talk on Gratitude

Today, in church, I had to give a talk on gratitude. I think it went pretty well. I figured I would share it here, also. If you'd like to read the talk referenced in my talk, here's the link: http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2008/10/finding-joy-in-the-journey?lang=eng

Gratitude

My name is Laurie Rogers, and my family has been in the ward for about 5 months, now. My husband, Allan, and I are, basically, native to Las Vegas, I, having moved here when I was 3 years old, and Allan a native. We have been married for, almost 9 years, and have 5 children: Sarah, 7, Lucas, 5, Taylor, 3, Eleanor, 1, and Elliott, 9 months. I am a stay-at-home mom, while my husband works from home, for Adobe, doing some super cool nerdy things, that I will let him tell you a little better about. Some quick things about me are that, I love photography, I love to quilt, and I love to write. My husband and I have a pretty good sense of humor, and can pretty much find the humor, in almost any situation. If you know my husband’s family, which a lot of you do, you’ll understand where that comes from. If you don’t, then let me be the first to apologize for anything my husband says, and for any eye rolling that I do behind his back.

With Thanksgiving fast approaching this week, Gratitude is a fitting topic to talk about today. In the October, 2008 General Conference, President Monson gave a talk that really stuck with me, entitled, “Finding Joy in the Journey”. When I first heard this talk, it really moved me, and changed my perspective, however, I didn’t understand how much it would mean to me, until one life changing event that happened, almost 2 years ago.

In this talk, President Monson says, “Throughout our lives, we must deal with change. Some changes are welcome; some are not. There are changes in our lives which are sudden, such as the unexpected passing of a loved one, an unforeseen illness, the loss of a possession we treasure. But most of the changes take place subtly and slowly.”

Almost 2 years ago, our family dealt with one of these unwelcome changes. I had just gotten home from a surprise baby shower, my mother had thrown me, for our 4th child, Eleanor. Earlier in the day, I had spent the morning helping my sister-in-law register for her baby shower, for her first daughter, that was to be born about a month after Ellie. We were both so excited to have 2 baby girls so close together, only a month apart, and watch them grow up together. I had gotten home from the shower later that night, and helped Allan unload all of the beautiful gifts that our friends and family had given us for this new baby. As I laid in bed, resting from the busy day, I noticed that I hadn’t been feeling the baby move as much as usual. So, I decided to drink some juice and try to eat something, as that usually got her moving. Allan had left to go to the store, for a crib mattress that I insisted we needed RIGHT NOW, at midnight. As I lay there, poking and pushing my belly, trying to get my baby to move, I became more and more panicked. When Allan got home, he convinced me to go to the hospital, just to check on things, even though we both felt sure that things were fine. He stayed home, with the kids while they slept, and I left to go check our on baby girl. 

Things were not fine. The nurses and technicians could not find her heart beat any longer. On January 23, 2011, I gave birth to my sweet baby girl, Eleanor. I was 37 weeks pregnant. On January 23, 2011, my entire life changed. The night that I got home from the hospital, I wanted to write everything down. I wanted to remember it. I wanted to share what had happened. I decided to write on my blog, so that people wouldn’t have to keep asking me what happened. After a few months, I wanted to keep writing on my blog, every week, to help others that have been through, or are going through the same, or similar, tragedies. And for 2 years, I have written my journey down. Writing this talk, I have had the blessing of going back through my blog, my journal, and reading my thoughts, and my growth, over this tragic journey. 

I know what you’re thinking. What does any of this have to do with gratitude? Well, I wanted to take a different spin on the topic. What I have learned, over the last 2 years, from this horrific tragedy, is priceless. This tragedy, is really the blessing. This death, gave my life purpose, and the strong testimony that I longed so much for. A few things that I learned from the loss of my baby girl are: I learned to pray.......REALLY pray. And, I learned that the answers ARE booming. It just depends on how you’re looking for the answers. I learned that God doesn’t give you trials. Life just happens. God gives you the choice, regarding how you will deal with the trials. I choose, every moment of every day, how I am going to react to things. I struggle, most days. I am down, a lot. But I have to choose to be happy, in order to find happiness. I learned that there are still miracles, and they happen all of the time, all around us. I didn’t notice them before, not as much. I learned that callings are not for us to help others, but rather, for others to help us. There are many more things that I learned. But, the most important thing that I learned, I learned just about 6 months ago. I learned how to be grateful for the trials. Without the trials, how would we learn? How would we become like Him?

President Monson said, “I believe that among the greatest lessons we are to learn in this short sojourn upon the earth are lessons that help us distinguish between what is important and what is not.” What was important to me, 3 years ago, was not what is important to me now. It was important to me, but maybe not as high on my list, as some other things. The things, and the status, the symbols are not what truly make us happy. President Monson goes on to say, “I plead with you not to let those most important things pass you by as you plan for that illusive and nonexistent future when you will have time to do all that you want to do. Instead, find joy in the journey—now.” I used to, and still do, worry about getting the house clean, and laundry done, and the things that we all worry about when we are trying to keep order in a house full of chaos. But, I have learned to enjoy the chaos a little bit more. I have a different perspective now. I wonder what our chaos would be like with my Ellie here, playing with her big sister, and brothers. I wonder when her milestones would’ve been, what her favorite characters would’ve been, what her favorite toys would’ve been, and what her favorite games would’ve been. I wonder how our other kids' lives would've been different. Would they be happier, and more carefree? But then, I also think, if we would’ve had her, would we have our sweet Elliott here with us, and appreciate what he is to us? Would we really appreciate the people around us? Would we understand what amazing family we have? Would we have come to realize everything we have learned, eventually? And if so, how? I am deeply saddened, still, to have lost my baby girl. But, I know that without that, I wouldn’t have become the person that I am today. 

President Monson says in this talk, “If you have children who are grown and gone, in all likelihood you have occasionally felt pangs of loss and the recognition that you didn’t appreciate that time of life as much as you should have. Of course, there is no going back, but only forward. Rather than dwelling on the past, we should make the most of today, of the here and now, doing all we can to provide pleasant memories for the future.”

He goes on to say, “If you are still in the process of raising children, be aware that the tiny fingerprints that show up on almost every newly cleaned surface, the toys scattered about the house, the piles and piles of laundry to be tackled will disappear all too soon and that you will—to your surprise—miss them profoundly.” I have to say, I would’ve never understood this statement as much as I do, without that difficult experience in my life. Many times, I have cleaned our patio door windows, full of fingerprints, and hand prints, and all of the sudden, stopped, and realized how big their hands are getting now, and wondered where the time went. I have been folding the kids’ freshly cleaned pants, and it all of the sudden hit me that the pants I’m folding are from my 7 year old daughter! Even now, I look at my youngest baby boy, and it makes me sad that he is getting so big already, almost getting ready to turn 1. I can’t help but wish I could hold him in my arms forever, snuggling his little chubby body, and kissing his warm cheeks, while he looks up at me smiling. So often, I wished I could’ve held Eleanor for just a while longer, holding her hand, wishing her fingers would magically wrap themselves around my finger, longing to feel her warm cheek against mine, as I kissed her. But what is happening now, is not slowing down for that grief. And if I am not careful, I will miss the amazing miracles that are right in front of me, that I helped to create. She is a miracle in her own right, but I need to nourish the miracles that are right here, so that we can all be together again, as one family.

President Monson quotes an author, “Both abundance and lack [of abundance] exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend … when we choose not to focus on what is missing from our lives but are grateful for the abundance that’s present—love, health, family, friends, work, the joys of nature, and personal pursuits that bring us [happiness]—the wasteland of illusion falls away and we experience heaven on earth”.

President Monson, goes on to talk about expressing our gratitude to those around us, whether they be family, friends, or just acquaintances. This is something that I took to heart, and have tried hard to practice. I think we are very quick to criticize others, however, we are stingy with our compliments, and praise. Finding fault, is easy, but finding the positive is a challenge, especially, when there is so much darkness. One of the many things that I am grateful for is the Young Women’s program. During the weeks and months that passed, after the loss of our youngest daughter, the young women and young men, that I served, for a year before, went out of the their way, to remember me, on their own. They sent me emails, they helped their other leaders plan small, nightly surprise gifts, a few of my beehives would show up, once a week, with a slurpee for me. They sent me text messages. They mailed me cards. They left me notes on my car during church, or notes on my trees out in the front of my house. These amazing young men and young women, though they were few, changed the course of my grief. They didn’t have any idea how THEY could help ME, their leader. But they did what they knew how to do, which was to just love, and show love. I have taken their examples, and the example of this wonderful talk that President Monson gave a few years ago, and I really try to take time out, and write a small note to a friend, a family member, or just an acquaintance, letting them know I care about them, and how grateful I am for their kindness. I like to point out, and thank my friends for acts of service they've done for me, that they may not have known, or realized, they'd done. I have found that going out of my way, is not really out of my way at all, anymore, if it makes someone smile, or feel loved, or important. Those youth taught me that doing service for others, is true, Christ-like love and happiness.

After these last 2 years, I have learned to be grateful for the trials in my life. It’s easy to be happy, and have gratitude when things are going right. But, when things are a challenge, and we are still trying to find what is positive, I believe that is when we will really find out who we are, and who we are  meant to become.

Brothers and sisters, I am grateful for all of the beauty that is in my life, and all around me. I am grateful for my amazing, energetic, smart, beautiful children that my Father in Heaven has entrusted to me. I am grateful for my sweetheart, and all of his love, support, and care that he has shown me. I am grateful for my family, and the support that they have been for us. I am grateful for the amazing friends that I have been blessed with. I am grateful for the gospel, and the person that it has helped me become. I am grateful for my Heavenly Father, for always being there for me, right when I need him. I am very grateful He has given me the opportunities to choose my path. And, I am happy to say, now, that I am grateful for the trials in my life, because without those trials, I know I wouldn’t have realized all of the things that I should be grateful for.

This Thanksgiving holiday, I challenge you to not only have gratitude for what our Father in Heaven has given us, but also for what we have learned and been given because of the trials in our lives.

I Am Full

I woke up extra early this morning, for no reason, really. My eyes popped open at a blistering 5:30a. My first thought was of my little baby girl, Eleanor. I instantly started getting teary. I couldn't help the promptings, so I got out of bed, got showered, dressed, and ready for an early morning. at 6:00a, Sarah, Luke and Taylor came stumbling in, as they always do. I told Sarah to hurry and get ready for school. She was confused, and wondered why we weren't having breakfast first. I told her I had a surprise for them, so they needed to hurry and get dressed.

We left the house at 6:45a, with a packed breakfast full of grapes, apples, and some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (Yea, it's a weird breakfast, but whatever.), and a bottle for Elliott. We drove for about 5 minutes, and pulled into the cemetery, and parked. I got everyone out of the car, and spread out a blanket, next to my Ellie's grave. We had breakfast all together. The kids were so excited to do something a little bit different, and have all of their siblings together. Sarah kept saying that she loved having breakfast with her sister. She really misses her, and wishes, almost every day, that she had a baby sister.

As I sat back on the bench, and watched my 5 children together, in the setting that we were in, it would've been easy to be gloomy, and wish for what wasn't there........but it was there. Just not in a traditional sense. This is normal for us, now. I sat there, and I couldn't help but get on my knees, and pray to my Father, and thank him for all of my amazing blessings, and my love for Him. I sat back down on the bench, and watched my kids eat, laugh, talk, and run around together.

Sitting there, at the cemetery  with my 5 children, under the golden, early morning, sky, I couldn't help but be grateful for everything in my life. I am grateful for the trials in my life, and for the experiences that I have had. I am grateful to feel my Heavenly Fathers love for me, as I go through some of the toughest trials a mother can go through. I am grateful to feel his loving arms, pick me back up, and hug me, as I cling for dear life in a depression. I am grateful for my husband, for being the love of my life, through good times and bad, in sickness and in health. We have really tested that, and he has stuck through it all with me, supporting me and lifting me up, exactly when I need it. He has pushed me and challenged me, and made me grow as a person. He is my partner, for eternity, and I couldn't be any happier. I am grateful for my amazing parents, and step-parents, along with my parents-in-law, as they have all been so loving and supportive of us. I am grateful for the acquaintances in my life, because those brief moments in passing, have meant the world to me.

I am grateful for my friends, who, most live hundreds, if not thousands of miles away. I can feel their love, encouragement, support, and prayers, even from there. Finally, I am grateful for my 3 best friends. My sister, Cassie, Heather and Amy. These three ladies have always been there for me in more ways than any friend is ever required to be. They have shown me true love, compassion and sisterhood.

My sister has always been my protector. She has always been someone that I look up to, and wanted to emulate. Not only is she beautiful, but, she is a strong woman, who knows exactly what she wants, and isn't afraid to go after it. I admire her spunk and her spirit, and I love the fact that she isn't afraid to tell you EXACTLY what she thinks. She always challenges my opinion, and tries to get me to consider all sides. She always wants the best for me, and wants me to do my best, in everything that I do. She is supportive of everything that I do, even if they are things that she may not agree with. I am grateful for her example to me, as we have grown up, and I am especially grateful for the special friendship that we have made as women.

I met Heather almost 10 years ago, at our annual Memorial Day Rogers' breakfast. She has always been there for me, and been an amazing friend. My McDonalds Buddy, as we call each other. But, I got even closer to her when I lost Ellie. She constantly emailed and called and texted me, checking on me. But when my sister had to go home, my sister stopped her, and asked her to continue checking up on me, every day, and be there for me. Heather has done just that, every day for 2 years. Even through her move and having babies, she always managed to check up on me. She always made sure I knew she was there for me, and always made sure I was being honest about my feelings, with her. She has always tried to keep my attitude positive, and help me find the eternal perspective. Heather and I have known each other for a long time. It's hard to put into words the reasons why I love her so much, but, I just do.

Amy, I met only about 3 years ago, through church. She became a great example to me, of a wife and mother that I would like to be. She and I bonded closer, after the loss of Ellie. She is someone that I also talk to, almost daily. I'm not sure why I bonded with her so much, except for the fact that she is freaking amazing!! Really, have you ever met people, that you would never think you would be close to, and those people become your best friends?? She's kind of like that. We just fit. She helps me remember my Father in Heaven. She encourages me to do more, and be better as a mother. She is honest with me about everything. She always challenges me, and gives me a different perspective. She is non judgmental about anything and everything that I say, or do. She has made me want to be a better person, and a better daughter of God.

Someone told me that as you get older, you can't change. I believe the exact opposite. I believe, at any age, you can always change. These 3 ladies are all completely different women, but these three ladies have changed me, completely, in the last 2 years, especially. They have softened me. They have guided me. They have made me smarter. They have made me, and continue to make me, into the woman that I am, and hope to become. I believe that everyone that enters my life, has changed me, and continues to change me. Those people that have only been in my life for one week, to the people who have been in my life since birth. Those are the people that have molded me, and continue to mold me into the person that I am.

My Heavenly Father has blessed me with an amazing husband, amazing, and fun children, wonderful parents, all of them, and beautiful friends, to help me navigate this, sometimes, messy life. With all of His blessings, I can't help but be grateful for the trials in my life, and the knowledge of what is to come, in this life, and after. That perspective, helps me get out of the depression, sometimes, and feel the warm sun on my face, feel the love in my heart and hear the laughter and happiness all around me. I miss my Ellie Bean, but I love the time that I had with her, and the knowledge that my Heavenly Father blessed me with, of knowing what she looks like, what she feels like, what she smells like, who she is, and what she is doing. I cannot wait to have my eternal family come together again.

As we packed up to take Sarah to school, after our impromptu breakfast, I turned to get in the car, carrying Elliott in my arms, and watching the 3 older kids race to the car door, I turned around, back towards Ellie's grave. I thought, "I can't wait for the day, when ALL of my children will be together again, racing each other, in the same direction, instead, of being split up. I can't wait to have them all surround me, giving me hugs. I can't wait for Sarah to, finally, have her sister, and have that hole in her heart filled. I can't wait for our children to be together for eternity."

Today, while my eyes are full of tears, my heart is full of love, gratitude and happiness.

Next Chapter

When I started this blog, it was not intended to be a vent about the loss of my baby girl, or a help for others to find validation in their feelings, however, it has turned into that. When I started writing, so honestly, about the loss of my baby girl, and the struggles and blessings that have come because of that loss, I really just wanted to be a help for others. One of the biggest things that helped me was having women that validated how I felt. They didn't minimize my feelings, or take offense. When I started writing about Ellie, and my feelings with situations I was put in, or I put myself in, I received so much support, and love, from strangers. I found that I was helping women, I had never met, by saying what they've been wanting to say. I validated them and their feelings, and it has helped them heal, along with myself. However, lately, over the last few weeks and months, I have received a lot of feedback, from people around me, and a lot not so positive.  There's been a lot of concern regarding the feelings expressed in the postings. A lot of people would like me to either not be quite so honest, or to think about how what I'm posting could effect them, before posting things. I cannot do that, and still be honest. My intention has never been, nor will it ever be, to hurt anyone, or make anyone feel bad about themselves. If that is what you've gotten by reading this blog, I'm sorry, but then you don't know me or haven't been paying attention to what I've said. I'm sorry, to those of you who read this and find comfort and that important validation, that I am stopping. I hope you will understand why. You can't make yourself happy and feel better, along with everyone else around you. This is now mine to deal with privately, with just myself.

This blog has become such a therapy to me. It is, most times, the only place I can say what is REALLY going on inside of me. It has been a much needed release of my emotions. It has comforted me and helped me with the loss of my daughter, and the effects of that within my 7 person family. And I am glad to know that it has helped so many others with their grief as well.

I have a lot to deal with, myself, especially lately, as you've read, and I cannot deal with this particular problem, on top of my own emotions. So, I have decided not to write as much about Ellie. This may change at a later date, but for now, this is how it has to be. This has been an amazing outlet for my emotions, and I have felt so empowered by so many emails with such encouraging words, even from tons of perfect, amazing, strangers. Those amazing strangers have turned into some amazing friends. The purpose of me writing was to help others, and myself. I have accomplished this. At some point, I guess, you have to pick your battles, and in this instance, I have to put others feelings above my own. If I can't be completely honest, and not filtered, then I don't feel that I will be the example I want to be. I will continue to write on my blog, about all 5 of my children, Ellie included, and even some of the things that I'm going through, but probably not as often, and not as candid as I once was, in regards to those feelings of my youngest daughter. It will be more filtered.

I would love to still hear from all of you, so please continue to keep talking. It's so important to keep talking.......to anyone.....and I really do want to help as many people as I can. I have been lifted up by all of the kind emails and letters, and knowing that doing this simple thing, being honest, has made such an impact on others. You all have been so encouraging, and really helped me on my journey through this grief.

It's time to start a new chapter of the blog.

Unexpected Moments

It has been so long since my last posting. I've stayed pretty quiet, and to myself, for the most part. Lots of things have been going on, and I have stayed busy, but in reality, I feel like I'm standing in one spot. I've been standing in that spot for almost 2 years now, while everyone else is whizzing by me. Occasionally  I see people I know, and they stop for conversation, and then, off they go again. I want to move, but I can't. I want to scream, "STOP!! I need you!!", but I can't. I just stand there, crying quietly. My grief has caused me to feel like I'm standing still. And if I don't release it, I will only continue to stand still. So here goes:

Things have been eating at me for a while now, and I just really want to say something, but I don't. I'm so afraid that what I say will offend, hurt or distance people that I care about. I feel, lately, that I can't be as honest as I once was. Did someone say something, to make me feel afraid to be honest? No. I think it's human nature, that when you're sad about something, for a long time, to think that people don't want to hear it anymore. The reality is, they do. However, they too, are getting frustrated, that they can't help you. They want to be able to fix it, so you can heal and keep moving with life, but they can't. They just say the same things over and over, and hope that one of the times they say the particular phrase that they say, will click on the switch in your brain, and it will fix your problem. They hope that one of the hugs that they give you, will help you to cry on them, and then you will feel release from the burden of sadness. I am afraid that people are getting tired of the same subject over and over again. I am afraid that the yo-yo ride of emotions that I am on, they are tired of being on, so they've gotten off and have moved on. 1 1/2 years is a long time to be sad about a the death of a person you never met. 1 1/2 years is a long time to stand still on a long and windy road. 1 1/2 years is a long time to beg and plead for the sadness to go away, for the pain to go away.

One thing that has angered me a lot lately is when people use the, "you just......." and they finish it off with whatever prescribed emotional thing that helped them get through the loss of their ear ring, or the loss of their pet hamster. I would love to have whatever I "just" have to do actually work, but it doesn't. I would love to be able to "just" take some anti-depressants, and I would be CURED! I would love to "just" work out more, and that would be my release. I would love to "just" go talk to someone, and that'll make you feel better.........I would love to "just get over it, and stop it."..............I would love that. Those really are all things people have said to me. Not out of any ill towards me, or anger, but because they are frustrated that what they are trying to do for me, isn't working. That's all. It's ok. I understand their frustration more than anyone.......BECAUSE IT'S ME! The thing that I "just" have to do, I have realized, is "just" keep going. When emotions blindside me, because of some unexpected, out of the blue event that happens, I need to roll with it, cry about it, grieve about it, and then get up, dry my eyes and keep going. I can't run away from it. I've got to face life. I've got to be my own cheerleader, because no one else can do it for me. I have to give myself my own pep talks, because no one else can or will. I'm the only one that will, consistently, be there for me. I am the one that knows me the best.

There have been a few unexpected events that have happened, recently. I thought I was fine, I thought I was happy, and life was good. And then, BAM! I'm at Joanns. You know, the craft store. I'm there looking for fabric for some baby blankets I'm making, along with a quilt for an event, and I look up, and there is the fabric I put in Lilia's blanket, that matched Eleanor's blanket that she was buried in. If you don't remember, Lilia is my niece that was born a month or so after I lost Eleanor. Lilia's baby blanket was the first one I made after Eleanor. I wanted to put a piece of Ellie in that blanket, and I happened to have some material that resembled the fabric that was used for Ellie's blanket. I started to well up. I stood still, mesmerized by this fabric, with quiet tears running down my face, in the middle of the isle, just staring at this fabric. My kids were running around the isle, and laughing, completely oblivious to the fact that I was entranced by this fabric, and that it just made my heart explode, and my body was completely numb. After a few minutes, I heard a baby cry, and it made whatever part of my heart that was left, shatter into a million pieces, because that night, when I had Ellie, I wanted to prove everyone wrong. I wanted to hear her cry so badly, so that I could show them that she was fine, and not dead. But she didn't.

As I stood in the isle, crying, and staring, I continued to hear the crying. I finally blinked, and wiped my face off. I turned my head, just in time to see Taylor wrapping himself in some red sequence fabric, saying, "I'm Red Batman", and realized, it was Elliott crying. He had lost his pacifier. I put the pacifier back in his mouth, and covered him with his blanket, where he continued to smoosh it all over his face and finally go back to sleep. I unwrapped "Red Batman" and got control again, of them, and continued on my way.

The next moment came on Sunday. This last Sunday. We arrived at my In-Laws house, for our usual Sunday dinner. Cecilia, my sister in law, and Lilia's mom, and Lincoln, Allan's brother, and Cecilia's husband, had arrived before us. As I walked in last, I heard Allan say, "Oh wow! You've been having contractions! How far apart are they?" and "So you could have this baby tonight?" As I heard all of this, I could feel my stomach just tighten up, and the nerves in my arms, hands and legs, start to jump around uncontrollably. I came in, and we sat down and I immediately did my thing, of staying quiet, and focusing on getting the kids fed, and keeping them quiet. Basically, avoiding any eye contact with Cecilia or her belly, and avoided any conversation with them. That night, I walked outside a lot, I changed my focus to anything but having conversation with anyone. I was short, and busy. I just wanted everything to be done, so I could leave. The pain and anxiety I was feeling for those 3 hours was indescribable. So, I'm not even going to try to explain it. I just wanted to go away, and I wanted it to stop. This was a situation, however, that I really thought I'd be ok with. I mean, when Lilia was born, that was hard, and I was jealous and angry and all of the expected things, but I really thought I'd be just fine with this. Apparently, I was wrong. Just days before, I had given all of the clothes that were bought for Ellie, that I received at the baby shower, to Cecilia for her new baby. She was amazing, receiving them. She was so sweet and understanding, and even asked my permission to use one of the outfits as the baby's take-home outfit. I thought the day of giving her those clothes would be hard. I wasn't as hard as watching her in labor.

Scarlett Taylor Rogers

When I found out, the next morning, that Cecilia had given birth to baby Scarlett that morning, I was relieved, but also, so jealous that she got to have her baby girl, 2 of them! I was jealous that she can get pregnant so easily, and hold on to them so easily. I was jealous that she doesn't have to take any medication to keep a pregnancy, or have that stress and burden for 9 months, that if she misses a day, that it might take away her baby. I was so happy for them, I was. I love them so much, but I was so jealous of them, in that moment. Today, the jealousy has faded. I am so happy that things went smoothly for them, and they have a healthy baby girl at home now, who they can watch grow up, learn to crawl, learn to laugh, watch them make funny faces the first time they try new foods, watch Lilia learn how to be a big sister, and help those sisters develop a strong bond. I can't wait to hold her, and take pictures of her, and be there to watch her grow up in this family.

While this happiness for them is prominent, there is still that lingering sadness inside. I am afraid it will always be there. Just waiting for the next unexpected moment to bring it out. I hope, with time, those unexpected moments will go a little more smooth, and there will be less frantic cleaning to mask how much I'm hurting.

Right now, I am doing ok. Right now, I am learning so much, still. I am so appreciative of the 5 beautiful children that I have, and am loving watching 4 of them grow and learn and be the crazy, silly spirits that they are. I am loving my husband so much more, and I am learning how to let him into my head. (I have realized, recently, that I don't talk to him, much, about any of these emotions, or how things effect me. He is also one of those people that I assume, doesn't want to hear about it anymore.) I am loving the few friends, that I have left, that have been on this, almost 2 year, journey with me. I am loving the beautiful home that we are in. I am loving the new addition to our family (we just got a new dog yesterday), and helping him feel part of the family. I never want anyone to feel like my life is doom and gloom, and that's all I see. What I want people to see is that my life is wonderful, and I am richly blessed, even more than I feel I am deserving of, but it is a struggle to always see that happiness.

Next Sunday is General Conference. Lately, the people who have taught in church, keep saying to watch General Conference with a purpose. Like, attending the temple, we should have a prayer in our hearts, a desire for an answer or a desire for some guidance. This time around, I am going to watch conference, with a desire to find some peace. I want to feel like the battle between my happiness and my sadness isn't as much of a struggle as it has become. I want happiness to be easy, not work. I feel like I don't share with people how hard it is for me, and how much pain I am in every moment of every day, and how much I have to talk myself into living life, instead of standing still. Moving forward, just taking those steps, feels like I have 30 cinder blocks tied to each of my feet, and I'm trying as hard as I can shuffle my feet forward. I want to know how I can just be happy. I am not naive to the fact that I will have sad moments, and still have those reminders, but I want to still find that peace in each moment, where I know my Heavenly Father is holding me, and helping me through it all. I want to feel strong again. I know He is with me always, but sometimes, the pain and sadness is so strong, that I forget to realize that, and let him have some of it to carry for me. I know, without a doubt, I will find my answer.

This week, I have learned that there will always be unexpected challenges, but with time, and with faith, I will be able to handle those things with more grace, more peace, and more happiness. Right now, I am grateful for those experiences, because I know I am just becoming better because of them, as long as I just dive in, experience the hard stuff, and learn from those times. How can we learn if we continually stand still, or run away from anything that might be hard? Because of the difficult things that I have encountered, I have learned forgiveness, true forgiveness, of myself, for even things I know I didn't cause, and for others. I have learned how to talk to my Heavenly Father, and know that he is always listening. I have learned more about a daughter that I have never met. I have learned how to talk to my husband, and know that he truly wants to hear me. I have learned that people want to help everyone, but they just don't know how. I have learned that the best way to help someone is to just show up, even if they say they don't need you. Just be there, always. In any way you can, whether it is a text, phone call, lunch, vacation, whatever. Just let someone know they are a thought of yours.

I know I chose a harder path, but I know its the one that, in the end, is the one that is right. I wouldn't change any part of it.

Hard Day

Sunday, well, it definitely is described by the title of this post. It keeps happening too, out of no where. I think I'm fine, then, BAM, it hits me.

The night before last, Sunday, I went to our Sunday dinner at Allan's parents house. However, Allan left right after church to go to training in San Jose, for Adobe. (Yes, I cried right after he left, because I missed him as he was pulling out of the garage.) So, I went solo, with my 4 kids. It was a great night. Allan's parents had all of the girl stuff at their house still, from when Ellie passed, so we pulled the girl bin out. I was able to go through Sarah's old clothes, with Cecilia, so she could take them for the new baby coming. I loved going through the clothes, and remembering when Sarah used to wear certain outfits, and how cute she looked in everything, and how her personality, even then, matched each one of those spunky outfits. On the way home from Sunday dinner, I had decided to offer Cecilia the few clothes I have left of Eleanor's. I had received a bunch of clothes at Ellie's baby shower, the day that I gave birth to my sweet angel. I had tried so many times to give them away, or just give them to Goodwill or the DI, and I just couldn't. Cecilia had given birth to Lilia, just a month after I had Ellie, and I even tried then, to give her those clothes, and I couldn't. I just held on to that small bin of clothes, socks, blankets, binkies, and other things, still with tags, and in their wrapping, because it felt like her. I had received these thoughtful gifts for her, and somehow, I associated those items, with her, and I couldn't let them go.

After making the decision to offer these items to Cecilia, I called Allan to check with him, and see if he thought that was a good idea, or if he thought I should keep them a bit longer. We have been trying to decide if we would have more kids or not, and if we did, and it was a girl, then we wanted to use them (that's another blog post, HA!). He thought it was actually a great idea, and said to go for it. I text messaged Cecilia and told her the situation, and told her that I understood if she thought it was too weird to take them, but I would love for her to have them. She got back to me, and basically, she said she was honored that we thought of her, and would love to take them, and use them. Immediately, I had a terrible pit in my stomach. This was the last thing I needed to do. And I just thrust myself into it.


I got home that night, put all of the kids in bed, went to the garage, and pulled down the plastic tub that had her stuff in it. I brought that, a garbage bag of girl shoes, and a tub of girl sheets and blankets up to my room. I opened up the tub, and there were the cute gifts that were given to me, for Eleanor. I pulled out the clothes, still on their hangers, and still with tags hanging from them, and looked at each outfit. I remembered everything from that day. I remembered who gave me each item, thanking them, and even what bags the gifts came in. I remembered.....ugh, I remembered everything. And I just broke down and cried. I felt like these things were her, and it was the last piece of her, that I had, and I was just going to give it away. In reality, I have things from her, in her big hope chest, but for some reason, I was attached to these items, too. I wanted to take each item from that bin, and put them in her hope chest. I pulled out some receiving blankets that I had gotten as a gift, still in their package. The name of the line was Ellie. No one knew that was the name we had chosen for her, yet. We had just decided on that name a few days prior. I remember pulling the blankets out of the gift bag, and laughing because it was her name, at the babyshower. I saw that name, on those blankets, and I felt like it was her. I held that package of receiving blankets as tight as I could, and as close to my chest as I could, and just broke down and cried. In that moment of sobbing, and physically hurting, I wished my husband was there with me. I wished my sweet sister was there with me. I wished I didn't move so far away from everyone I knew, because I wished my wonderful best friend was there with me. I just wished someone was there with me, holding my hand while I pulled things out, and remembered. I wished that someone was there, holding me while I cried on their shoulder as hard as my body would allow. I wished that this didn't hurt as much, still, as it did that day.

Finally, I dried my face, put the items back in the bin, got up, walked in my kids' rooms, and quietly kissed their foreheads. I went back in my room, turned the lights off and went to bed. I felt grateful for all of my children, for my husband, and for my friends and family. But, I felt lonely, and quiet. Not a good kind of quiet either. The kind of quiet, where you are very introverted and you're just trying to talk yourself out of the feelings of deserving this torture.

Ultimately, I am glad that I can give this gift to Cecilia, because I don't have memories of Ellie wearing these clothes, or using these blankets or wearing these headbands or socks. So when her baby wears them, it won't hurt to see them on her. And, I know that Cecilia understands how hard it is for me to give them to her, and let someone else enjoy them, since I didn't get to enjoy them on my daughter. I'm so glad that she understands that, and is appreciative of that. I think it would make it that much harder to give them away, if the person I gave them to, didn't understand those things. I'm grateful for the opportunity to push myself harder, and try to keep moving, and I'm glad that I'm seizing that opportunity, even though it feels like a gut wrenching, impossible task. I know it's good for me.


At the baby shower, my little sister, Christine, took some pictures on her cell phone, since I didn't bring my camera, because it was a surprise shower, so I didn't know to. A few weeks after I lost Ellie, she sent these pictures to me. They are, besides Scott's photo's of Ellie at the hospital, some of my favorite pictures, but are some of the hardest for me to look at. But, I wanted to share them, because I don't think I ever have.

Becky (the one getting ready to sit on the chair), Dora, Sarah, Heather, Norma, and Gina

A super cute cake my mom got from Retro Bakery

Cute cupcakes to go with the cake

Happy me

Sarah was so excited to help me open the presents for her new baby, and see what she could dress her in

A present for Sarah and her new baby sister

Here is the present for her and her new sister. I did save this onesie, of course, and put it in Ellie's hope chest.

My cute girl

There she is. My Ellie Belly, inside my belly. Hard for me not to think, when looking at this picture, that she was already gone, and I didn't know....and then I cry, because the guilt comes in.

Depressed

It's been quite a while since my last posting. Longer than usual. After the move, a lot of emotions came up, that were a little unexpected.

When we decided to move to this new house, I was uneasy about it. I knew it would be what is best for our family, but it would mean that I would probably be losing all of my friends that I had made. There are a few that have really meant the world to me, and one in particular who has become one of my best friends. But, when you move 30 minutes away, in this town, people decide that you live too far, so you generally lose touch. I know I sound like a 12 year old who doesn't want to move, but these people helped me through the hardest time in my life, and continued to be there afterwards. It's hard for me to know that I will be giving that up.

Losing friends was a big deal for me, but there was a bigger issue, that I wasn't really aware of, until recently. The house we moved into is a monster of a house. It is fully furnished to the nines. It is really beautiful. Before, I thought I was uneasy about it just because I was embarrassed by it. We know a lot of people who are struggling financially, and then we are lucky enough to have a great job and now this big beautiful house. Stuff and things are not important to me. But, my family is. And this is what's best. The embarrassment was part of the issue. The other part of it, I just realized, is that I don't feel worthy or deserving of this amazing gift. Deep down, I feel like, because I have been pregnant so much, that I should've known that something was wrong with Ellie, and that I could've done something earlier, and she would be here. I feel that, because I didn't notice she hadn't been moving, or moving less, that I killed her. Because the doctors couldn't find anything wrong with her, and no answers as to why she died, then I take responsibility. And because of that, I feel like a murderer, and not deserving of anything good. Even with the miscarriage, it was, in my nutty mind, confirmation that I don't deserve anything good. I felt like I deserved for that to happen.

The last month, I have been so down. So depressed. Much more than ever, and lately, It's because of Ellie. I can't think about her, without feeling the softness of her squishy cheeks on the back of my hand. Or, feel her black curly hair running between my fingers. I can still feel her chubby fingers brushing over my fingers. This house is just a few blocks from her. Before, she was so far away, and I couldn't visit her as often (yes, yes, I know It's not really her, but you can't really make a mother feel that way). But, now, she's so close, and I'm so busy, and I still can't visit her. But, because she's so close, and I drive by the cemetery so often, I think about her more. And it brings those feelings up again, a lot.

The other night, I emailed Amy some of these feelings, and she encouraged me to share them with Allan. I never have before, because he will worry about me, and I don't want to burden him with worry. He already has so much going on, and that he's stressed about, I didn't want to add more. Well, we went to dinner, and I did tell him. He didn't try to console me, which was good. He just listened and said he understood. It was perfect. He suggested we go to visit Ellie that night. We got to the cemetery, and we stood there, just staring at her head stone. Then, I just broke down. It was hurting me so much. And I mean, actual, physical pain. I was standing there, inches from my baby girl, and I couldn't just pick her up, and snuggle her, and love on her. My heart physically hurt. It felt like a huge magnet, just pulling me towards her, and someone trying to yank me away. It was a horrible feeling. And I just wanted to kneel down, cry my heart out, and say, "I'm sorry", over and over. I wanted to say this to her, my family and especially my sweet husband.

There is no resolution to these feelings. They are feelings I have every day. Some days are better than others. All I can do is hope that it gets better with time.

Just Last Week

I've been having a really difficult time lately......that's putting it mildly. Unfortunately, my husband has been taking the brunt of it all. With everyone else, I don't bring it up. With him, I don't bring it up, but I'm annoyed, angry and frustrated. About what? It feels familiar, really. We are in the middle of a move (which is happening next weekend, by the way), and I have 4 small kids, a large extended family, that all needs help and attention too, and I just had a miscarriage last week.

I gave myself a time limit to be depressed and mopey about losing the pregnancy. I lost the baby on a Tuesday, and gave myself until that Thursday to mope about it, and be depressed, because Friday, I had to get up and keep moving with life. I have way too much going on to just sit around feeling sorry for myself. Unfortunately, it didn't work this time. Things need to get done, and I don't want to do it. I have 4 kids to take care of, and make happy, and I don't want to. I have a whole house to get packed up, and moved, but I don't want to. Life is moving on, and I don't want any part of it. I went to the hospital yesterday, to get my Rhogam shot, and I saw Lisa there. She actually gave me the shot. I couldn't even say anything to her. I wouldn't let myself do anything but have a smile on my face. Everything's fine......it always is.......except when it's not. However, no one knows that but me. I don't know why I shut down and pull away when I hurt.

This whole week, and most of last week, Allan has been trying to work, and take care of me, and the kids while packing the house. I am instantly defensive when I see him doing laundry, or packing up things, or changing a diaper, or making dinner. I know I can do it, and should be doing it, but I can't. When he asks me things, instead of just answering him, I yell at him, or get an attitude with him. When he tells me I beautiful, or hugs me, or wants to give me a kiss, I pull away or argue that I'm not what he thinks I am. I think I'm fat, ugly, and defective. He is the person that loves me the most. He is so understanding, so sweet, so loving, and so patient with me, and I hate myself for reacting that way to him.

Allan has been wanting me to go out with him, or us to go out with friends or family, or even me to just go out with a friend, and the idea of me going out with anybody, or just being around other people, makes my skin crawl. I just want to be alone. I just want to be home. I don't want to be around anyone, and have to fake that smile, and fake that sanity. I don't want to lie to people, and tell them that I appreciate their kind words, and it's ok. People text, or email me, and I don't want to answer them, either. The same feelings, of when I lost Ellie, have crept back in, and it's hard to fight. I get frustrated with myself that this is effecting me so much. I don't have time to mope around, feeling sorry for myself, but it's all my mind and my body want to do.

How do I really feel? It hurts so much. It's indescribable (except if you read my blog previously, it's about like that but a bit less). When I got pregnant this time, things were going really good. I was happy in our family, our kids were trying hard to be good, and I was feeling like I was just happy with my progress in life. Then we had the opportunity to move, and we decided it was the best for our family, especially since there would be a new addition. But even that came too easy, in my mind. After we decided to move, I was constantly paranoid there would be a problem. I was waiting for something to go wrong. Just 3 days before the miscarriage, I finally got used to everything, and talked myself out of the feelings I was having. I told myself I needed to be more positive, and it'll all be fine and work out great, and I will be happy that this all happened at this time........but it didn't work out great, and I'm not too happy about it. I was right. Something was going to go wrong. And as soon as I knew that I was going to lose the pregnancy, all of the same feelings of losing Ellie came back, but almost twice as strong. I was harder on myself this time. I blamed myself, even more, this time. And that feeling of embarrassment, it came back too. For a week now, I have walked through the days with a lump in my throat, trying not to cry, with my whole body. Trying not to yell and scream and be mad.

I know I will be ok. And I know that I can't just move on from this, after everything else we've been through, and everything we are currently dealing with. I know I'm better than these feelings, and I know I'm stronger than these feelings. And I have to really remember, this was just last week, not last month, or last year. I need to stop feeling frustrated with myself that I'm not feeling better. I, especially, need to stop comparing this miscarriage to Ellie's death. Is this any harder? No. Is this any easier? No. It's different than losing her. But I'm different too, from when I lost her. Before, I didn't know those things. I didn't know I could get through it, and come out better, wiser, stronger and happier. Now, I do. I just have to give myself the proper time, for me. And apparently, 3 days is not long enough.

Fun Times!

A while back, I was able to go to Kanarraville, UT, and take some pictures of my great friend, Amy, and her family. Her step dad had passed away, so it was going to be a rare moment where both sides of the family would be able to be together. A month, or so, before I had offered to go and take pictures for them. A few weeks before, they asked me to do it, and I couldn't have been more thrilled to try to provide that huge of a service for their family. So, I wanted to share a few of my favorites.

(They aren't perfect, but I learned sooo much! And more importantly, they seemed happy with them.)

This little guy was so cute, and such a ham. He wanted to do whatever I told him to.

She was a bit shy at first, but warmed up pretty quick. She turned into quite the super model. HA! She was so stinking cute.

I just loved the colors in this picture

She really loved her Papa!

I just loved the look on his face, watching her.

I was nervous about how this one would turn out, and I was so excited when I got it finished, that everything I did, and thought might work, ACTUALLY DID!

Beautiful siblings, Amy, her brother and her sister

I asked him, "Where's the camera?!", because he kept looking everywhere else.....so he pointed to it. HA!

Not a great picture, but a great couple so I had to include it. HA!

The whole clan. Not great placement of people (I've never done a large group before), but happy for the experience and the learning opportunity.

Amy's mama, Marie, with her grand babies. I am actually kinda ok with this picture.

Don't know why, it's my favorite. I wish it was more in focus though.

Marie, me, and the quilt I made for her when she was sick.

Marie asked me a few times, to make sure to take pictures of these flowers. She planted them, I think, a week before the service. They were really beautiful.

I had nothing else to do, so I switched lenses, and switched to manual, for this picture and the next, and tried my best. not perfect, but I'm happy-ish with it.

I LOVED the sunflowers on the side of the road. So Amy sat in the car, and air conditioning, while I took a few photo's of the sunflowers. THEN A BEE CAME! I normally don't like bugs, but this was a challenge I've never done before, using manual focus. It was SO MUCH FUN!

I had so much fun, and it was an amazing feeling, providing a service for someone. I love that I was able to help out this sweet, and special family. And I loved all of the things I was able to learn. I think I really love trying to us manual focus. It's such a fun challenge!

Thanks for allowing me to be a part of your family for a few hours! Love you all!

Trials Gifts

You know, experience and the desire to learn from one's experiences is the key, I have learned. I sound like a fortune cookie, I think, but it's something I realized this weekend. I learned that trials are, really, the best gifts we could've been given.

I'm not gonna lie, this last week was a bit, or a lot, hard on me. I was so frustrated, and so down, and I was really afraid of myself. I didn't know how I was going to get out of the funk I was in, however, I wouldn't let anyone see it. I go back to trying to be the good example to everyone else, and say, "It's ok" and "I'm ok" and "My back hurts, but I'm ok otherwise" (that was the big one this time around), so as to not make people worry that I'm going to break at any moment. In reality, I was gonna break at any moment, especially after I went in to have my blood drawn, to check my levels. 

On Friday morning, I went in to Dr. Dalley's office, just to have my blood drawn, to check my levels, to make sure they're going down. I had to bring the kids in, with me, which is a whole other nightmare. The boys were amazing, and sat down and didn't say a word, while they played their video games. I quickly got my blood drawn, and walked out. Dr. Dalley was standing there, working on something. I asked her if I needed to have my Rhogam shot, and she filled out the slip for that. I asked her when I'd know the results of the blood work, and she said Monday or Tuesday. She then went on to tell me that my quant was 23,000, the day I came in, the first time. I didn't know what that number meant, so she told me that it was MUCH higher than she was expecting, and that if it didn't go down significantly, then I would have to have a d&c. That hurt. We left the office, and drove home. I got home, the kids started playing their games, and I went and crawled into bed, and just started crying. I didn't want a d&c. I promise, I wasn't throwing a temper tantrum. What hurt was that, I had lost Ellie a year and a half ago, I had an amazing baby boy 1 year after I had her, and then got pregnant, unexpectedly, 5 months later. I had just gotten used to the idea of another baby coming, and was even excited to see this new little bean, the day of the appointment. Instead, I lost another one. And to add insult to injury, now I have to have this?! I feel like I can handle a lot, but this little thing, has started to send me over the edge. As if I didn't feel like I was being picked on already, now it's confirmed. I am the ant, that the little boy is trying to burn with a magnifying glass. (Yes, I'm having a bit of a pitty party. Just keep reading, it gets better, I promise.)

Saturday night, I went walking with Amy, and finally laughed and was silly, talking about her Mexico trip and someone tp'ing her house (she mostly tried to blame me for TP'ing her house, even though I didn't), and then we got to talk about what was going on, and how I was feeling about it all. I told her everything that was going on with the move, and everything that was going on with the doctor, still maintaining the down played attitude.....everything is fine....right? Luckily, she is learning that I am a dang liar when it comes to "I'm fine". She told me about her experience having a d&c, and told me it's no big deal, and tried to make light of it. Gonna be honest, I felt a little bit better. I came home from our 2 hour walk, and was finally happy again.

Sunday, as I was getting ready for church, I remembered everything that had been done for us this last week. Norma brought us dinner, made by her and Chellie, and sat and chatted for a while that night, along with her sending texts almost everyday, asking how I was feeling. We had 2 men from church come over and give me and Allan priesthood blessings, at the urging from my sweetest Tammy. The men were so sweet, and so loving, and really cared about us. Tammy sent over her husband to help us move our garage, with help from my mom, the day of my first appointment with Dr. Dalley, the day after I miscarried. She also called to check on me, and express her love and concern for me. Amy's boys also came over to help out the whole day, during their own summer vacation, and were so happy to help out. Gaylene came over and brought us treats, out of the blue. So many people have been emailing and calling, from church, just to see how we are doing. Not to mention, Lisa has allowed me to message her about every 5 minutes, and give her updates, and she's just always been there with a response of encouragement. Along with that, I have had so many emails of love and support from other amazing friends, and some friends I've never met, but read my blog. So, as I was getting ready for church, remembering all of the amazing friends that I have, at church and outside of church, I couldn't help but think about the move, and how sad it will be to leave all of these amazing people that have helped me so much. In that moment, though, I realized, I have a wonderfully special bond with the people at church, and I won't be leaving them. I will still talk to them here and there, and I will still make an effort to keep in touch with them. They will still always love and support me, be there, whenever I need them. But, I had never told them of the impact they've had on me, and my family, and how much I loved them.

At church, it was fast and testimony meeting. If you don't know what that is, after sacrament (taking the bread and water), we are given the rest of the meeting hour to bare our testimony, or to tell what we know to be true, in regards to the gospel. I don't usually bare my testimony, because that's a lot of people, and I start shaking like a leaf, and can't get any words out that make any sense. So I sat there, listening to everyone else get up. Then, Gaylene got up. Gaylene is one of the 2 women that I hold so dear to my heart. Amy is the other. These 2 women were the women I worked with when I first got called to be a leader in Young Women's, at church. They were older than me and were going through their own trials. But they taught me really what kind of woman I wanted to be, what kind of wife I should be for my husband, and what kind of mother I needed to be. They taught me how to do that, just by their sweet, amazing examples. They were the 2 women, at church, that made a huge impact on me when I lost Ellie. They came over so often, and never let me feel like I was alone. They really did change my life. There were others that helped me in other ways, that I hold close to me. Anyways, Gaylene got up to bare her testimony, and spoke with such sweetness and love, as she usually does. She is just a wonderful woman. Following her, I decided to get up, and make the long walk to the podium. Brother Pierce raised the stand.....cause I'm taller than most people, of course...and we laughed. I was shaking so bad. But I finally was able to express my love for our ward, and thank them for support and friendship during this trial and the loss of Ellie, and how much I will miss them. I spoke about those 2 ladies that really did change the direction of my grieving, and was able to thank them for that. I told them about what I KNEW to be true, and finally said my amen's and sat down. Ugh, that felt so good. 

Last night, we went to our family dinner, and it was great as always. Cliff, my father in law, and I were left alone for a bit, and he told me how sorry he was that we lost the pregnancy. It was a sweet, quiet moment. I don't have a lot of them with him, but it always makes a huge impact on me when we do. I actually did look at him, and say, "Thank you. It was hard, but it's ok. It really is." I went on to tell him what I learned out of the experience. I told him that I am at a place where I am grateful for trials. I really am. It sounds weird. But I am grateful for the bad things, because without those bad things, I wouldn't have the knowledge that I do, of our Father in Heaven, and where my daughter is, what she's doing and what she is like, along with what she looks like. I wouldn't have the testimony of the gospel, like I do. I wouldn't have this joy that I have. I told him that it still hurts, but that I'm able to catch myself, when I'm in those dark moments, and say, "Ok, we've done this long enough. It's time to stand up, and take care of business. Life isn't going to stop, and I need to smile, and find the good." I told him about a special experience, during the blessing I had this last week. When the 2 men were blessing me, I began to quietly cry, and feel sad that this was happening, and I felt my Heavenly Father's arms around me, like when I lost Ellie, saying, "It's ok. I've got you. Trust me." I know that my Father in Heaven is always there with me, anytime I ask for him, anytime I need him. I have learned that even when it seems bad, it's not. There is so much good in my life, so many blessings, and I have learned to stop myself and find those many blessings that I have been privileged to have in my life. From the people, my children, my family, to my amazing husband. I finally feel like it really is ok, and it always will be. It was a special moment to me, to be able to share that with him, and have him show how proud he was of me, for taking these horrible, difficult experiences, and finding the good.

It was a wonderful weekend. Even in the midst of darkness, there is always light. I just have to look for it. It's pretty easy to see when you really want to find it. I love all of the people in my life. Every person that has come into my life, good and bad, has changed it in some way, and I have grown because of those people. I'm excited to see what new things, and people come along, to learn from. I hope to not lose many of the people that I already know, though.

Fast Changes

Just when I was trying to change my attitude, and not wait for things to go wrong, when things are going well.......something actually goes wrong. We've made a few fast decisions for our family, but we feel like they are the best for us, and we both feel really good about it......and then it happened. The something.

Last week, we were approached to rent a much larger house, giving us the opportunity to rent out our own house. We've always wanted to have a rental property, and we thought this would be a good house for that.  But, we were given 24 hours to decide. With a bit of hesitation, we jumped. We decided that this is the perfect time for this, with a new baby on the way, and Allan working from home now, and making a bit more money, it makes sense. Things were working out perfectly! A little too perfect. I am not naturally a positive person. I'm not pessimistic, however, I do always look at all of the angles, and try to look at everything that could go wrong, and plan for those things. I'm a planner. Haha!

Yesterday, we went to the doctors, for our first OB appointment, to finally see how far along I was. The night before, I had some brown spotting, but figured it was the implantation bleeding. So I didn't worry about it, and went walking with Amy. There was no more spotting, and I assumed I was right. Well, today, when we got to our doctors appointment, we had to reschedule for the next day. When we left, I went to the restroom, and found out it had started again. I then started getting stressed and started crying. But, I decided to keep an eye on it, and I knew I would see her the following day, so it would be fine. That afternoon, the bleeding got heavier and turned to a red color, along with passing clots. and I knew this pregnancy wasn't gonna last. I did call my doctor and they called me back. I followed their instructions, but it didn't make a difference, and I knew it wouldn't. By 1:00a, after a lot of bleeding, everything started to subside, and calm down. I finally fell asleep.

Today, I went to the doctors. She did an ultra sound, and it looked like I had passed almost everything last night. She had me draw some blood and gave me some instructions. I was pretty much numb the whole way home. We didn't say much, and we didn't cry. I don't know how I feel. The doctor said that it didn't look like this one was gonna work out from the beginning. So I should take comfort in knowing that I didn't do anything wrong......but that would be too easy for me. Allan cried the first day. I hugged him, and cried too. But, I cried because I felt so bad that I had failed, again. He wanted a girl so bad. He was starting to get used to the idea of another one, and we were both getting excited. But, I failed, because my body failed. That thought will be something that I feel forever. I felt that with the loss of Ellie, and I do with this one. When I hugged Allan, I just said, "I'm sorry". He felt bad that I thought I needed to apologize, but its how I felt.

I'm still pretty weak, and sore, but nothing I can't get through. We have to trust that Heavenly Father knows the bigger plan, and it'll be OK, and we will learn from this and come out better, and stronger because of it. We always do. But, that thought will still nag me. The statement of, "I'm sorry", after both miscarriages, and then the loss of Ellie, will always be there. I know I can get better, I just need time. Unfortunately, time is not a huge luxury I have. But I will get there.