Here Come the Holiday's, and other stuff

The last few weeks have been really hard on me. Much harder than any other time I've had. Usually I can smile my way through the thoughts, and sadness, but lately, I can't........and I have no desire to. Usually, I think about how my attitude could effect others.......but lately, I don't care.

As we were getting ready for Halloween, I realized, for the next 3 months, I am going to be a wreck. I don't want to be, but I am going to be. I am 25 weeks pregnant with our 5th (6th, if you count the miscarriage, and lately, I have been) child, I was trying to help the kids pick out their Halloween costumes, and trying to get a room ready for the new baby to come, while being a bright, sunshiney me, for my family, friends, work and church calling. One day, at my local Wallyworld, I was looking at costumes for my 2 year old, and all I could think about was "I should be shopping for a costume for Ellie too." I kept seeing the "My First Halloween" shirts, followed by "My First Thanksgiving", and finally, "My First Christmas" and all of those cute little momento's, as I was walking around. I realized, I will take my children trick-or-treating this year, and my mom won't nag me to put a hat on the baby, because it's cold outside, like she does every year. I won't watch her crawl around with her cousin, Lilia, while we are in St. George for our annual Thanksgiving trip. I won't get to feed her her first smartie, or watch her eat turkey and mashed potatoes for the first time. Every year, I buy all of the kids matching holiday shirts, and holiday jammies. This year, I don't get to buy any for her. Finally, her first birthday is in January. I won't get to watch her smash into her cake, or cry because her hands and face are dirty. I won't get to laugh and throw a party for her. Scott won't get to come over and take pictures at her first birthday party, like he did for Taylor. She will never be in our family pictures.

2 weeks ago, I decided to go through a bin of toys I had bought last year, for this years Christmas, when they were on clearance. I always try to stock up for the following years Christmas, at Target or Walmart, when they clearance out their toys they didn't sell. I went through the 2 bins, and found a few little toys I had bought for her, for this year. It would've been her first Christmas. We would've been video taping her, unwrapping her first Christmas present, with the help of the other kids, I'm sure. We would've watched all the kids playing and laughing (and fighting too, I'm sure), and doting over their baby sister, as she sits there in awe of everything. We would've been laughing because Lilia and Ellie wouldn't have cared about their presents. They would just want the bows and wrapping paper, like every other baby, and probably would've tried eating them.

Last night, we went to a baptism, for Cecilia's (my sister-in law) mom. Church functions are really very hard for me right now. I was a little relieved when Taylor was just being loud during it, so I took him out. He wasn't being bad....he was just LOUD. I've had such a faith struggle lately, which has never happened to me before. People have told me a lot, lately, that I'll get to raise my daughter later, and I'll get to be her mom. I have been told that she is our daughter, and she is sealed to us, just like the other children are. But, most, if not all, of those people, have never diligently searched for the answers to those questions, because they've never had a stillborn, luckily. Allan and I have. What we have come away with is, it's unknown. No one knows for sure. Reading other things regarding this subject, we have come to the conclusion that the answers are given through personal revelation. I know the answer......but I'm one of those people that I may know the answer, and I know it to be true, I will doubt my answer because a general authority hasn't also received the same answer, and made it known to us. I think, "Why would Heavenly Father give me the answer, and not the Prophet? Who am I? No one." So, I'm sitting in the baptism, and listening to the speakers say to Glenda (Cecilia's mom) that Heavenly Father knows you, and loves you, and is pleased with your decision..........and I'm struggling to know that very thing. I wish He would just appear to me, hug me for 10 hours, and tell me the simple thing I need to know......"Am I her mother? Did she gain her body? Is she our child for eternity? Does she know me and love me?" But he won't. He can't. It's not that easy. After those talks, we sang "How Great Thou Art", and every time I sing that song at church, the second and third verse make me cry. I think it's just the message of the song, and I just don't have the same feelings of greatness and love for Him, right now, that I really should. And it's all a lack of understanding those very questions, that maybe aren't important to most people, but they are so incredibly important to me.

Lately, I have struggled with those questions, again, and the blame thing. The guilt thing. I have relived that night that they told me that there is no heart beat, and everything, minute by minute, in my head. I keep thinking about the days prior, and everything I had done, and have blamed myself for her death. I have so much guilt, that I possibly killed my child.........and I can't figure out how. I feel like a murderer, but I'm not sure what I did. I robbed her of these special experiences with her brothers and sister, and her amazing father, and I don't know what I did. Now, with the birth of this new little boy, I'm petrified it's going to happen again, and I still won't know what I did. Everyone tells me that God won't let it happen again. He's not that cruel........but after I hear that, I hear of a few ladies who have had 3-5 stillborns, late ones. It's very possible, and I'm scared.

I have been desperate to go to the temple the last few weeks. Just to be there. I don't know why, but I just even want to sit in the foyar. 3 weeks ago, and even 2 weeks ago, Allan and mine schedule just wouldn't mesh up, and when it did, we couldn't afford the sitter. But last week, we think I broke my tail bone, so now I REALLY can't go. I can't sit and stand for 3 hours. Just typing this thing up, my butt is screaming at me. My good friend invited me to go with her, and I think it's adorable when people with older kids invite you to go to the temple, forgetting that there are no sitters during the day for my toddlers, but they can't go at night, because family stuff is at night.........so it never works out. HA! But, it is so sweet to be thought of, and to have someone tell you that they thought of you. It helps. I, for the first time, had to say no, and give an excuse of why I couldn't go. I have no sitters for my boys, and I can't stand sitting for that long. I hated myself for that, but I have to deal with reality. I need to be there, I want to be there.......and I just can't be there. I can't even handle the drive to get there. It's ripping me apart, because I just want to be there so badly, and I can't.

When I first had Ellie, and people had heard that she died, I received 2 special necklaces, and a bracelet, that mean the world to me. One is a necklace with a silver charm, that has imprints of baby feet, and then it has another silver charm, with her name on it, and a single pearl. Allan's Aunt and cousins got it for me, and sent it to me. Another, Allan's friend, Charlie, gave me. It's a simple silver necklace, with a small round silver charm on it, that has Eleanor on it. She came up to me, and gave that to me at the service, after we had gotten done speaking. She also had lost a baby, and had one for her baby. Finally, Allan's sister Kelsey, and his family got me a silver bracelet, with a silver heart charm dangling from it, that has Ellie on one side of the charm, and her birth date on the other side of it. I wear the bracelet and one of the necklaces daily. A few people have told me that I should get charms for the jewelry, that have all of my kids' names on it, so that my other children don't feel left out, or feel less special. I don't want that. I have memories of my other children. I have them with me every day, telling me that they love me, and that they need me, and that I'm a good mother. This is all I have of her, every day, to remind me that she's there too. It's not her, but it's all I have of her. Do I need it to remind me of her......heavens no. But it reminds me that there are other people out there who know what I am feeling, and what I am going through. It reminds me that there are lots of people out there who love me, and loved her. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone, but I just can't add my other kids to those things. Those are special things, just for her.....for me. And it's all I have.

So, with all these negative emotions happening, and negative things happening, it's really weighing on me. I have to just let it ride out. After January, things will get better, I hope. I have to realize that after this baby comes, I will still cry for my Eleanor, and everything will remind me of her, but I will, hopefully, have this new one to focus on, along with my other 3, and be able to know that I didn't do anything wrong.............I hope. I have to realize that new emotions and feelings will come, in regards to Ellie. New things will trigger my emotions. New wants and desires for her will come up, that will never be realized.

This posting has absolutely no resolution, while most of my others do. This is just a basic pitty party for me, with no point. But it is what I'm feeling and what is going on in my life.