I have been wanting to write for about a week now, but it's not always positive, and I so want to be more positive. I realize to everyone else, I haven't written in a while, but I have. I just don't publish some of the things I have written. I think some things, especially regarding my family, and my marriage, are not for the public. They are personal. So, I thought, today, I would update everyone on my own grief, and what other things have been going on with me and my family lately.
First, my grief. Well, I was in therapy, and taking anti-depressants for depression. About two weeks ago, I stopped going to therapy. I haven't stopped taking the anti-depressants, because I know that is helping (much to the assurance of my great friend). But, as for therapy, I have stopped for a little bit, because she and I just weren't making any progress, I didn't feel. There were a lot of added things that happened, in our family, that we focused on, and never got back to the real reason I was in therapy.....to help me deal with the grief and depression. I do plan to give it another try, but I'm going to take some time off from it, for a few weeks, or a month, and then look for someone else. I need to keep giving it a try.
Lately, it has been really difficult, and I feel like the sadness is getting worse. I feel like my confidence in myself has weakened even more than before. Even with things that weren't something I was lacking confidence in myself for, I have been. I think I've picked at myself so much, on the things that I was lacking in confidence with, that now I'm picking at things that I was confident in. I don't know how much that makes sense. It is still a struggle to go out, and be around people. It's still a struggle, in this new ward to get to know people. My friend says I need to just go and put myself out there, and good things will come from it!.........Geez, I wish she understood that, while that is mildly uncomfortable for her, it is excruciating for me. It is still difficult to push and pull myself out of the house, and be around people I know, let alone people I don't know.
While, lately, I feel like I am slowly crumbling, I know that after I find a new therapist, that fits me better, and is more aggressive with helping me work on things, I will get back to myself. I just have to listen to myself, and give myself the breaks I need, and push myself, when I know I need to be pushed.
One thing, that I have gotten busier with, is photography. While, my confidence is shot in a lot of aspects of my life, including this one, this is one part that I enjoy working on, to build my confidence in. I have been asked, quite a bit, lately, to help families, by taking pictures for them, and also of different events. I am no professional, that's for sure, and I think the work proves it, but I don't think I'm half bad. I know where I need improvement, and it's something that I continue to work on. I appreciate those families, and other people, allowing me to practice on them. One of the things I love about it, is, I love my photographs of my own family, and life. Those pictures are some of the most important items to me. So, I want to give that to other people. And, for the most part, it just so happens that the people who I've gotten to photograph, and help in that way, have been the people who have helped me through the loss of my youngest daughter. So, in a way, it's a pay back to them. It's a way that I can show my love and appreciation to them. Unfortunately, I am not saving up for a new camera, any faster doing all of this service. HAHAHA! But, it's still worth it. It'll come. I hope that in a few years, I can start taking more classes and workshops, to help me improve, and become the type of photographer that I want to. But, for now, my focus has to be my family, and as soon as all of the kids are in school full days, then I can take classes, and things like that, during those times. My family is my priority, so I have to be careful that it remains that way, even though this hobby is a time-sucker, and I LOVE it!!
Another update is, we asked Scott to come over and take some pictures of the family. I think I put a lot of pressure on everyone because I haven't PLANNED family pictures since right before I was pregnant with Ellie. And I haven't PLANNED any since, because it's just too hard. I hate the thought that there is a person missing in them. I hate that he can't use his talents to capture my sweet girls personality, like he is able to with my other kids. But, life has to keep moving forward. She knows she is in our family, and she knows that I would give anything to have her with us, for every special moment, and even for the not so special moments, but we just can't. Soon enough, we will have that complete family picture. And I can't wait for that day. For now, I have that picture in my mind, and it is ok. Although, I think it would probably be better if Scott took the picture, instead of my mind. Just sayin. Anyways, as soon as we can, I will post some of those for everyone, since the ones on the blog still show Elliott as 4 months old or something. He's MUCH cuter now. HAHA!
I am grateful to Scott for dealing with my ridiculousness, and stressfulness. I'm pretty sure I was a fun sucker. The only reason I was, was I just wanted ONE of the whole family. ONE, where we loved each other, and were ourselves. However, the kids were themselves, Allan was the task master, as usual, and I was just all over the place, pretty much avoiding the camera, because it was too uncomfortable and hard. Geez, I hope that part gets easier with time. I still remember the first time he took our family pictures. We were all so relaxed, and we were just playing with the kids, and watching them play with each other, and it was fun! It was us. This time, everyone else was having fun, but not mama. I just kept picturing where Ellie would be sitting, on our couch. I was dying to have her on my lap, sitting next to Sarah and I. I was itching to be doing anything else, even though I asked for it. HA! I'm a complicated person. HA!
As for the kids, and Allan. Sarah is 7, turning 8 in September. Sarah, right now, is VERY excited to be baptized after her birthday. She is getting more excited, now that her friends are starting to get baptized too. She is doing so much better in school than when her 2nd grade year first started. She is starting to like her teacher and make some really great friends. It seems like things are really clicking for her, and I couldn't be prouder of her. Lucas is 6, and is loving Kindergarten. He has really blossomed from a shy, low confidence kid, to a pretty outgoing, smart, funny kid! He is still his sweet self, and so kind and thoughtful, but now he's got a bit of a sassy sense of humor to him. I love it! Taylor is 4. He is always pretending he is some other super hero. His favorites are Spiderman and Batman. I know other kids pretend to be their favorite super hero's, but Taylor pretty much lives, eats and breaths these super hero's. He is constantly dressed up as a different character, all day long, and talks like them, acts like them, and can also recite all of the dialogue in their movies. We are still working on potty training with him, but his stubborn self is getting in his way. And it's driving his parents crazy!! Elliott turned 1, and he is starting to become a big boy, like his brothers. He started walking, and is saying words now. He can say Dada, Night Night, Hi, Batman and Ironman. Notice that Mama isn't on there. He doesn't say it much. But thank heavens his siblings taught him to say Batman and Ironman, and can recognize them. Ugh!! He is just the sweetest, happiest, cutest baby around, and we just love him to pieces. It's hard not to just squeeze him all of the time. He's a funny guy. And, finally, Allan. Allan is really excelling in his work. He is currently working for Adobe (or as people say, when they ask, "The Adobe". HA!) He's working very hard, and the hard work is showing. His boss has loved his progress, and so have his colleagues I am so proud of him for working so hard. He was really unsure of himself when he took the job, since he's not a salesman, but he's got a bit of his dad's genes in him, and they are kicking in nicely, in this area! Allan is out of town a lot, which leaves me with the kids quite a bit. He's gone at least 2 or 3 days a week, it seems like, although, recently, we've had pockets of time where he's been in town for a week or 2 at a time! HORRAY! It gets quite lonely being alone, in this new house, away from the people and places I knew, without my hubby, but I do it because it's worth it! I am so proud of Allan for working so hard, so it makes it not so hard. It makes me work harder, because he's working so hard. I just love him.
So that's the haps with the family, and all of those other things. Life moves on, and for the most part, it's pretty good.
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