What Confidence?

Something that has been a theme lately is my confidence......or lack of confidence really. Ok, honestly, it's completely gone. I guess, as of recently, it's become a bigger issue, as changes have been coming, and I've had to make a lot of decisions.

Last night, Allan and I went on a "date". We didn't. I went to a photography class, and my husband went to the Pinball Hall of Fame. We are super romantic like that. HAHA! I was completely nervous to go to the class! I kept telling my husband that I was nervous, and laughing it off, but then it became a much bigger deal! I was afraid that everyone would know that I didn't know what the heck I was doing, and that I was terrible at something that I love. Allan looked at me, after telling him this, and said, "You need to have some confidence in yourself, and what you're doing!" Fact is, I don't have any confidence in myself, in anything that I do. I feel less than adequate when it comes to photography. I feel like I've just gotten lucky a few times, and that I actually have no skill what so ever. I feel like the 3 friends that have been helping me the most with this, I can't figure out why they would want to teach me anything, and that they will soon realize what I already know, and stop. I don't feel worth anyone's time, especially professionals! I don't have any confidence in myself when it comes to being a wife and a mother. I feel like I am constantly second guessing myself when I make decisions for my childrens' well being. I am always agonizing over decisions to talk to my husband about something important, because it may cause a fight. And after I do, I regret saying anything, ever, even if it turned out ok. I feel like I always apologize for bringing anything up, and regretting adding more to Allan's plate of things to worry about. I always feel guilty after I've gotten mad at my children for something that they know they shouldn't have done. I am always nervous that they are going to think that I don't love them, or that all I do is yell at them, or criticize them. Even friendships, inside, I always wonder why this amazing person would ever want to take time out of their day, for me?

I've always been low on the confidence level, growing up. Not terribly low, but it's always been a bit lacking. I had my moments of feeling awesome, but not often. However, I've not ever had my confidence sink to this level, where I feel completely worthless, and useless, and not good at anything, like I do now.

As I sat in the car, listening to Allan try to reassure me that I am good at what I'm doing, and that I just need to learn more, and I WILL reach the level that I am aiming for, I kept thinking, "How did I sink into this? How did my confidence sink this low?" And then I realized, that it really took the hit when I lost Ellie. It took an even bigger hit when I was pregnant with Elliott, and going through the grief of losing a child, having a baby so soon afterwards, and dealing with my childrens grief and questions, along with my husbands grief. It, finally, got wiped out when I had the miscarriage right before we moved, last year. I never learned what happened to Ellie, and why she died. And in my mind, because no one could figure it out, I immediately blame myself. I look at my roll as her mother, and I am her protector, and I failed. I failed in the worst possible way. In my mind, I killed her, by not paying attention to her lack of movements, by my neglect, by my taking it for granted. Taking her for granted.

Mothers Day is only a few days away, and that is THE hardest holiday for me. Even harder than Ellie's birthday. It's a day for mothers to be celebrated, feel the love and appreciation from their children and husbands for the work that they do, tirelessly, and without complaint. For me, since Ellie died, I do not want to be celebrated. I feel like I failed my job. I don't feel deserving of any celebration. And, I know that I will receive the comments of, "Laurie, you're a great mom!" and the like, after posting this. And I will try to believe it, and squash down any feelings of doubt of those sentiments. But, deep down, I don't feel deserving of any celebrating.

The deserving has even gone into other aspects of my life. Allan always looks at my closet and says, "Laurie. You really need new clothes", because of the lack of clothes. I say, "I know." But really, I feel like I have sufficient. I don't need, or even deserve anything more than what I have. When I buy shoes anymore, it's because they have fallen apart so much, that they are actually falling apart as I walk in them. Recently, I have been talking a lot about buying a new camera. I really REALLY want a new camera, and I've been debating with my husband on a few camera's, which would be the best fits for me, and for what I'm doing, and the reasons why I feel the camera I have isn't quite doing the job anymore. Allan has been looking into them with me, and getting excited, because we finally agreed on a camera. Well, now it's gotten serious, and we are talking about buying it very shortly...........and I just can't do it. It's a few thousand dollars.....on me......on a hobby (that I do LOVE).....that I'm not totally confident that I'm even slightly good at. It's something for me, and it's very expensive, and I don't think I need it. What I have is sufficient, and does the job well enough. I can't do it, and I told Allan to forget it, and I don't want it. It takes money away from the family, and it's not necessary. I just can't. I just don't feel worthy enough to spend that much money on something for me.

Finally, Allan booked me a hotel room for the weekend, at the JW Marriott, for Mothers Day. I am always saying that I just want a night to myself, to just sit around and do nothing, and relax. Well, he gave it to me. In fact, he gave me 2 nights to myself! As the weekend has gotten closer, I am getting really antsy. I don't feel deserving of this. My place is at home, doing my job of taking care of my husband, and my children, and cooking and cleaning and all of that. I feel irresponsible leaving them for the weekend, to be selfish, and I feel undeserving of this gift from my sweet husband. My friend is going to come meet me the first day, and go to the spa with me. She keeps asking me what my plans are, and she cannot understand why I have NONE. What am I supposed to do??! Allan wants me to go shopping, and buy some new clothes. I'm not going to spend money on myself. He wants me to go out to dinner with some friends, and just relax. I probably won't do that either. I just don't feel worthy of this kind of gift. All of me just wants to spend the afternoon with my friend (and even that is hard), and then just come home, and do my job. That's what I feel I deserve to be doing. Not being selfish and wasting my family's money and time on a weekend like this, just to be alone.

I don't know what the resolution to this is. I want to have more confidence in myself. I want to feel like I deserve more than I think I do right now. I love my children, and I love my husband. I love the amazing job that I have of being their wife and mother. It's a privilege. Do a lot of moms feel this way? Stay at home, or not? Or is it really just me? There is part of me that knows I deserve more than I allow myself. And there is part of me that just wants to try everything, because I know I can do it, and do it well! But, there are HUGE parts of me that hold me back down.

I am a work in progress, still. I am forever changing, and I welcome the change. It's so scary though, and hard to adapt. I do not believe that you cannot change anymore after a certain age. I think that's cowardly, and just silly. The point of Heavenly Father putting us on this earth, is to constantly learn, grow and become more and more like Him. If we stop, then what's the point of being here? If you stop, you are missing out on SO MANY amazing opportunities to be even better than you thought you could be. I know that the things I have gone through, and have continued to go through, are hard things. We all have hard things that we have to navigate our way through. I know that if I keep working on myself, and keep trying to be better than I was the previous day, then I will eventually learn how to correct all of these things that hold me back, and then........the possibilities are endless for me. I know more than anyone, it's hard in the moment, but when I look back at what I went through, and what I've learned and gained from the difficult experience, I wouldn't wish removing that experience for anything in the world. I know I will feel that about this experience, when I look back through this blog, and read what I was going through. I will be stronger, smarter, better, and more compassionate towards others. That's the goal anyways. It's just so hard, and painful getting there, as it is right now.