Just Breathe......one....two.....three.......

A year and a half is a long time, isn't it? In a year and a half time, you can dramatically alter the course of your life, and who you are, so much that looking back at yourself at the beginning of that chunk of time, you would be unrecognizable. But, under other circumstances, a year and a half is nothing. It is not enough time to make new habits and changes for the better in your life, sometimes. In my case, in my life, I am experiencing both of those thoughts at the same time today. It's not a long time, but it's such a long time!

My husband made the choice to leave the LDS Church (Mormons) a year and a half ago. He actually made the choice a few years before that, but hid it from me the whole time. He would always attend church, but was never actually paying attention, or putting his whole self into it. I felt it, but I thought he was just distracted, and would come back around. I never thought any different. When he finally let me in to his loss of faith in our religion, and in God, he also dropped some other bombshells on me at the same time, which made it even harder to comprehend what was going on, and how to even begin to sift through all of the rubble that had become my family, and my life. For me, it was a complete surprise, and shock, and very much out of the blue. I felt betrayed, because he lied to me for so long. Now, to be fair, I knew that he had struggled with his faith in years past, but I never had the impression that it was anything that time and a little effort on his part, couldn't fix.

I was already seeing a therapist for my depression, and to help me navigate the grief that still held on tight to my heart, so it was easy to go to her with this new development. We decided that my husbands faith issue had to be put on hold to work through things that were more immediate, and detrimental for him, myself and our small family. Luckily, as time went, and new therapists entered the arena, and old ones left, we were put on a path with amazing resources and help. Because of this help, I felt that I could let go of some of the control and worry, and let others take that hurt and worry, so we could refocus our efforts and attention on the other struggles we had shelved. So, we were able to come back and start to revisit Allan's loss of faith, and ultimate departure of the LDS Church. It was put on hold for a year.......and excruciating year for me, and I'm sure for him.

As we worked together to heal some of these wounds that Allan leaving the church has caused in us, I became more and more bitter, actually. I felt at peace with our direction, but I was so bitter too. I was jealous at all of the resources that he had at his disposal, and all of the support he had. He had access to our therapists to help him work through his thoughts and feelings. He had support groups, both in person, and online. He has even showed me couples retreats, for people who are leaving the faith and how to transition. But, for me...........there was no support group. There was no one to talk to. There was no validation of my pain, confusion, and conflict. There was only silence, and the anti-Mormon speech that I heard over and over again. There was no calm to be had for me.

In my experience, in my faith, as a woman, we are taught to hold fast, endure, wear a smile, and be happy, even in our trials. My experience has taught me to wear a smile at church, and at activities, and whisper your problems to a friend. Never tell anyone, and if you do, certainly don't be loud about it. Always strive for perfection and be graceful. If you know me, you can imagine how that fairs with me. LOL! I cannot stay quiet, and I want to talk to everyone about everything, and gain as many opinions as I can. If I am quiet, something is wrong. I do not want to paint the picture that this is how it is for all Church members of our faith. Not at all! This is only my experience, and my opinion.

Because of my own experience, I shut down this whole time, shutting everyone out of my life, even long time friends, because I don't know what to say to them anymore, and its too painful to try to think of how to talk, about anything. I find myself on Facebook, Instagram and other social media sites, trying to keep up with what's going on, all the while, thinking to myself, "I DON'T CARE!!! This is not important!" I am uninterested in keeping up appearances. I don't have the energy, and it's not real. Plus, I don't want to hear any opinions, because I'm afraid they will tell me that the choices I have made are wrong. I don't want to hear their experiences, or a close friend or family members experiences, because I'm afraid they will be negative experiences. And most of all, I don't want to "out" my husband because I'm afraid of how everyone will treat him, and the rest of my family. I have spent the last year and a half, only having those deep, real, honest, vulnerable, conversations with 2 women. I have thrown myself into my children, and into therapy with my husband, and with the kids. Even when people would ask how I am doing, and what is going on, I do not tell them honestly. They have no idea what I have been going through, enduring, and feeling.

As a partner, of someone who has left the church, who is staying in the church, there is no support. Everyone flocks to the deserter, to bring him back to the "fold", but leaves the partner, and their pain, and their trauma in the dust, as if they are invisible. In my husbands case, I feel like it means more to him when he sees me being supported, and loved, and people supporting our family as it is now, not what it COULD be. In my experience, it has been a bit different. My bishop, and his family, have been........incredible. My bishop meets with me regularly, and when he can't, we have lengthy conversations over text, which is just fine with me, and makes me feel so good. It is just as good as a face to face visit. I have had my relief society president reach out to me and schedule a lunch here and there for just her and I to chat, and catch up. Our Stake President has asked some very raw, and honest questions about why my husband has left the church, and really wants to know the real reason why he left. He doesn't offer spiritual reasonings for it. He only offers his sympathy for what my husband went through that led him to this, and what he is going through right now, as he transitions into life without his faith. I can't say enough good things about the leaders in my ward for the way they have shown their love, and support, to my family. 

But, it's not enough. Is it? I spend my days, and my nights, with my head reeling, going insane with thoughts of how to navigate each conversation with my husband. And stress every day that we see our extended families, wondering how they will be towards him. Hoping and praying that religious topics never come up during dinner, so that I won't have to choose sides. I want to respect Allan's wishes, and his feelings, and his opinions. But, I want to be heard too. I don't want to cause a fight, and raise my voice, but I never feel heard, so I scream, thinking that if I'm louder, he will finally get itu. And I am always guess if I am doing, saying, or being the right thing. I am constantly analyzing everything he says, and always being very thoughtful and methodical with my responses, so that I am not rocking the boat. All the while, I am afraid he will leave me, because we are so different now. I feel alone. I feel abandoned by my community. I feel abandoned by other partners, who's spouses have left the church. I feel like I'm trying to navigate this treacherous terrain, with my children in tow, petrified of how this is affecting them, and their pain, and I'm not sure if I'm even getting anywhere.......and where I'm even going! I can't be the only one attempting to have a successful marriage, while going through this! And yet, I am alone in this, because no one talks. 

I have felt a lot of pressure from myself, and from those around me, but mostly from myself, to get this right. To continue putting the smile on at church, convincing everyone that I am strong, things are under control, and we ARE INDEED, happy at home. It's not for me, it's only for them. It makes them feel better, I think, to feel that what they are doing is making a difference for me and my family. IT IS! It really is. But, not in such dramatic ways that they are wanting. That can only be done by the work that Allan and I are currently doing. But, I buckled under that pressure, so I gave myself time off from church, to regroup. My faith is not shaken. That cannot be done. But, I am too scared to return to church. It's been 2 months since I've sat in sacrament. I am so afraid. I am scared that by me going, it will be a clear, and continued separation between my husband and I, that can only lead to unhappiness, with me choosing one path, and him another, leaving our children stuck in the middle. I'm not ready for that metaphorical separation yet. I'm so afraid.

I feel attacked, a lot, by my husband. He does not mean to. He is lost in his own emotions and thoughts right now, trying to navigate his own journey, with leaving this organization. The LDS church is not just a Sunday thing. It is a 3-4 day a week commitment, many hours each day spent focusing on it. It is a very demanding church, both on time, and on self. Allan was raised his whole life in the church, many many generations back. To say it is not easy for him either, is an understatement. He has struggled more than anyone can imagine. So, I understand his lashing out to me. I'm his person. I'm always around. I'm his partner in this life. That's how it is! But, it leaves very little room for me to feel safe to fight back, and defend myself. I, a lot of the time, feel that my husband has lost sight of who I am as a person, and only sees the lable of "Mormon", because of his own hurt feelings on the subject, and therefore can only define me by that..........that is something I LOATH.

In this journey, of a year and a half I have learned something important. I am NOT Mormon. I am LAURIE. I am so much more than just one title. There are so many more things about me, than my faith, and my religion of choice. I understand the focus wanting to be that, and I am, by no means, not proud of my faith and religion. But, I am more proud of ME, and to be ME. I am a mother of 4 amazing, sensational, children. I am, on a good day, an ammeter photographer, I am a wife, I am a woman, I have a deep emotional, sense of myself. I am just emotional in general, HA! I am funny. I have no filter, even though I want one so badly. I have no volume control on my voice, I think. I am sarcastic. I can cut you deep before you can blink, with my words. I am quick witted. I am smart. I am not scholarly educated, but I wish I was. That is a huge regret of mine. I feel music in my bones, and when I hear a lot of songs, any genre, it effects my soul, and I find myself in tears a lot. I love music. I wish I could play the piano so badly. I have very little confidence in myself anymore. I am weak. I never think I am good enough at most things. I have a lot of hurts, and traumas from my childhood that guide my life right now, and they aren't good......which is why I am working on them with an amazing trauma therapist. I love to quilt, but I'm not great at it, and I don't care. I am very ashamed of my weight gain at the moment, and it tears me apart to know I have gained 50 pounds over this year and a half, and it is showing no sign of leaving me. I do not feel I am pretty, but I do feel like I have great hair. LOL! I have a sailors mouth, and a quick temper. And I have no patience.......for anything. HA! I am lazy a lot. I hate putting laundry away, and cleaning a bathroom makes me gag every time. I, only, fully trust 2 people in my whole life right now, not even myself. I am loving. I am forgiving. I am loyal. I am thoughtful. I just want to be loved, and noticed, so I go out of my way to notice everyone around me, because I never want anyone to feel as I have felt, and still feel. I am constantly changing, and I am constantly showing a mental image of who I want to be at the end of my life, and that image never goes away. I am always aiming for that woman, in every decision I make. And.....I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. 

So, when I feel attacked by my husband, and others around me, I do not understand how he doesn't see those things about me, and he only sees "Mormon". I would love a place to reach out to. I would love a group to talk to. I would love to feel not alone. I understand the value of that validation soooooo much, with the loss of my daughter, and the support groups I had, and other things that I have been navigating.......and yet, I feel like I am supposed to keep this quiet, and hidden, instead of talk about it.

I am afraid. I am lonely. I am so much more than what most of society sees about me. I am so much more than my husband sees in me right now. However, I have faith that my husband will see me again. I love him. I want him to see me so badly. I miss him. I wish that there were more resources to help me navigate my way through this. Not articles and opinions telling me that people who leave the church are only doing so because they are lazy. Not advice to divorce my husband, because I need the priesthood in my home. Not notions that my eternal salvation has been stolen from me, because of him. Not condescending prayers for my kids, because "now they have no good priesthood example". Not the looks of pity, and comments of how I look tired, how I cannot let myself go during this process, and how I have gained weight. That by showing this, that it is effecting my children, and they see it, and it will only hurt them. I KNOW! I KNOW!!! I cry nightly about that very last one! I have no room for those things. I need support. I need to be uplifted. I need strength, because my arms are about to give out, carrying this load alone.

I need my husband to know that no matter what this last year and a half has brought me, that I am still here, fighting for him, because I see him. I know him. No matter what he's done, or the choices he's made, I am never leaving him. I want him, all of him. I chose him all those years ago, and that choice has never been regretted. Not once. I love him. I am in love with him.

I am not sure the point of this writing anymore. It is my story. It is a general picture of my life right now. Chaotic, and thought out. A mess, but organized. Hell, but a lot of heaven creeping back in. Fear, but safety in that fear, sometimes. I don't want to be quiet anymore, but I probably should still, for now. So, I will continue to do what I have done this whole journey.......Just breathe, and count.....

Breathe in....one....two....three.........Breathe out..............