To start the day, Taylor woke up with a small fever and green goup coming out of his nose. He just wasn't feeling well. So, I told Allan to go to church for the first 2 hours, with Sarah and Luke, and then I would need to be there for the 3rd hour, so we would need to switch off. In the middle of planning this, both of us realized that if Taylor is sick, we can't ask his parents to watch the kids, since we REALLY didn't want to get anyone sick, while we went to this Christmas event for the Bereavement group that we are a part of.............and we didn't want to miss it. So we resigned ourselves to the fact that we would have to be ok with taking all of the kids with us to the event. It wasn't what I wanted, mostly, because our kids are still little, and incredibly busy, and I just wanted Allan and I to be there, and in the moment, and not be running after them, and shushing them and being distracted. But it is what it is, and you have to just remain flexible.
As I started to get ready to go to church, Allan's mom called me, to let me know where Sunday dinner would be at. I had to inform her that we wouldn't be attending dinner tonight, and why we wouldn't be. I kind of told her about the event, what I knew about it, anyways. As I was telling her about it, I realized, I really haven't invited the grandparents to these events. I've never considered if they wanted to go, however, I also realized, I think I just want these events to just be for Allan and I. I think we need this, and we need it to be just us. I feel selfish thinking that, but even if it is, it is the truth, and sometimes, you just need to be selfish.
After church, and we got everyone laid down for naps, Allan and I were laying down, ourselves, and my phone rang. It was Allan's mom. I had a head ache, so I handed the phone to Allan. He talked for her for a bit, and then hung up. He turned to me and told me that his mom offered to watch the kids while we went to the event. We felt so grateful that she was willing to do that for us. We also felt terrible that our family was finally supposed to be having dinner at Lincoln and Cecilia's new house, and because Taylor is sick, and because of this event, his mom wouldn't be there for them, and we wouldn't be able to be there either. We felt so guilty, but so grateful for the love and understanding our family has for us.
Tonight, we went to Summerlin Hospital, where we lost our sweet Eleanor. We were greeted by Lisa, who runs the group, by her huge sweet hugs. Then she moved aside, and there was Tammy, the nurse, and my long lost relative, I think. HA! I couldn't wait to hug her. I missed her. We've gotten to chat via text here and there, but we don't get to see each other that often. I felt so relieved to see her, and I couldn't wait to talk to her. Lisa told us to find our ornaments we made previously, to hang on the tree, and have a seat.
Lisa explained to the group of about 40 or more people, how the event would go, and asked Tammy to say a prayer. After the prayer, Lisa introduced a woman who sings for all of the events. She was amazing. While she was singing, we were asked to go around the room and place our ornaments on the tree. The woman sang one of my favorite songs called, "Mary Did You Know?" The first table got up, to put their ornaments on the tree, for their lost baby. At the table, was another nurse from the hospital, who had lost her baby, her husband and her son, along with, what looked like both sets of grandparents. They all got up together, except for the grandfathers, and walked up to the tree and quietly, and sweetly, placed their ornaments on the tree.........At that moment, I was trying so hard not to cry.
Next up, was a single woman, who we always see and chat with at the groups. She lost her baby 3 years ago, and was alone. She said her mother and sister came down to be with her when she had her daughter, but sent them home after a week, and for 3 years, has been dealing with this on her own. She placed her ornament on the tree, with tears in her eyes, just as if she lost her daughter this year. As she walked up, I was trying so hard not to cry, because I could tell it would be that ugly cry, that I couldn't be quiet. I looked over at my husband, and he was feeling the same way I was. He was lightly sobbing, but you could tell he was holding so much in.
Next, it was our turn. We both took our ornaments up. I noticed Allan placed his ornament at the top of the tree (exactly where it should be) and I placed mine on the tree, level with my stomach. We turned and walked back to our chairs. Allan grabbed my hand, and cried a little harder. I felt what he was feeling........I didn't want to do this. I wanted to have her with me, and plan her first Christmas correctly. But this was the best we could do for her. Her first ornaments would be ornaments that her parents hand made special for her. We made those with our love, laughter, hearts, and care, with only her in mind.
After us, a lot of different types of groups got up. A lot of families, with their children came up. But a few came up, that really made me think and wonder. One woman got up, to put her ornament on the tree, but instead of a husband or parents with her, she had her two friends with her, and they each made ornaments too. They placed theirs on the tree, and then her. As she placed her ornament on the tree, for her sweet baby, I watched as the male friend placed his hand on her shoulder, while she sobbed and stood there for a second to see what she had placed. As they were turning to walk away, I watched as all three of them embraced briefly, and the female friend whispered lightly, "I love you."
Another one that struck me was a man.......or a boy. I don't know. He didn't look any older than 18. He got up, and grabbed his ornament off of the table. He obviously had been crying. I looked behind him, to see if his girlfriend or wife was coming up with him, but no one followed him, and no one one was sitting with him. He walked up alone, slightly crying, and placed his ornament on the tree also. I couldn't help but wonder what his situation was, where was everyone at for him?
After all of the ornaments were placed on the tree, the woman finished her third song, and we were all seated again, Lisa invited us all to partake of the refreshment before doing the candle lighting. During that time, we were able to sit with Tammy and Lisa and chat about what's been going on with us and them, about another woman in the group who is as pregnant as I am, and how she's doing, and about this new little life that's about to enter the world. It was sweet to hear how they wonder so much about me, and are waiting for me to come into the hospital to have him. I knew Tammy always kept up with my progress with Dr. Dalley, but I learned that the nurse that was in triage, the night I lost Ellie, also checks up on me, along with Lisa, who is also an L&D nurse. These ladies, who barely knew me, that night, have become such an amazing source of love and support that I have needed during this time. I love them so much, and I appreciate all of the wonderful things they have done for myself and my husband.
Finally, it was time for the candle lighting. I didn't really know how I was supposed to feel during this part of the event. I'm not sure what I felt, but I kept looking at that flame, and the only thing I could think of was, "This time last year, my hopes and happiness were brighter than this flame........and 1 year later, I feel as if the flame has been snuffed out." I didn't cry, I didn't move. I felt hurt, and angry, and robbed.......but I would only allow myself to feel those feelings for the few minutes that we had those candles burning. Those aren't productive feelings. Nothing can be gained from those feelings except more anger and hurt.
As we said our goodbyes, and told Tammy that we would see her very soon, so she could help our Dr. Dalley deliver this new baby boy, I felt like I was leaving my sweet girl again. I was leaving the little gifts we had made for our baby. But I knew we would be back again, to pick up our ornaments and bring them home, and put them away in her special chest we bought for her things. We would be back again, to give birth to her little brother. And we know she is helping to prepare him to enter this world......and especially to enter our family.
I left the hospital, and reflected on the different people there, and I couldn't help but think about how lucky we are. Some of those people didn't have anyone with them, and have lost friends along the way. We have so many people around us that love us, and want us to be happy, and want to support us in every thing we do, in regards to trying to heal from losing our daughter. They babysit for us, when it's the most inconvenient time for them. They change medical plans for us, constantly, so that we will feel confident and comfortable with what's going on. They bring us dinners, send us flowers, leave us little notes, let us talk their ear off, because we're having a bad day, allow us to be unhappy, and feel what we feel, and they still love us unconditionally. Most importantly, they remind us to continue to pray. They remind us to return to our Heavenly Father in prayer, and help us to realize, we cannot get through this time in our lives without Him and His help. We love our friends, family, and everyone around us, including the kind strangers that we may not even know are helping us. We would not be able to smile, even the minimal times that we do, without those people around us, constantly encouraging us.
Here are some pictures that Allan took on his cell phone, from the event tonight:
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| Allan's ornament is the red one |
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| My ornament |
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| The tree, after all of the ornaments were placed.....there's just too many on there, huh? |
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| Some extra ornaments, in case you weren't able to make one with us, previously |
1 comment:
I'm so glad you were able to go and pay tribute to your sweet little girl. I've been thinking about you a lot lately. Hang in there and remember that a LOT of people love you!
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