Christmas Fast Approaches

These last few days (basically, since Thanksgiving, HA!) I have been little miss downer. I have been in a bad mood, crazy depressed and tired all of the time. Sure, I'm growing a human, so my emotions are all out of whack, and if that was the reason, I would take it. But, I know, it's not.

When you have a miscarriage, have a still birth, or lose a child, there are always 2 options for people to think. First, they could think, "Well, at least she has other children" or they could think, "at least she doesn't have any children to explain this to." It never works out, in either scenario. For me, I had 3 wonderful, energetic, children, when I lost Eleanor.

(This is just what I feel in my situation. I cannot speak for the other side of things.) Why not think, "at least she has other children?" What could the downside to that be? Well, there are a lot. While they build you up, so much, with their sweet smiles, snuggles and unconditional love, they also, unknowingly, tear you down because they don't understand what happened. In my case, my daughter lost all trust and faith in me as a parent, my 4 year old son constantly asks questions about his baby sister, and the new baby coming, asking if the new baby is going to die, and if picking him up too much killed his baby sister. The 3 year old, he doesn't get it really. I don't think he'll remember any of this, honestly.

Another down side, when the holidays come, and you have children already......you know EXACTLY what you're missing with that lost child. Lately, that's been most of my depression. I know exactly what she would've been doing. I know her milestones, and each holiday, what outfits I would've bought for her, and what presents I would've gotten for her. But this year, I don't want to do any of those things. Yes, I know I have 3 other children that need me, and want to do Christmas, and they are excited about it all. But there should be an 11 month old, toddling around, starting to talk, probably coming down with colds, and getting ready to experience her first Christmas. Taking her first picture with Santa, going and seeing the Ethel M Cactus Garden lights for the first time, going to the house by Allan's parents house, where you tune your car to a radio station, and the lights blink to the music. We should be stressed because her first birthday is coming up, right after Christmas, and we should be stressed about how we can afford both things, even though, we'd make it work anyways. Sarah would tell her fun stories about Santa, along with the boys, and all of the fun things that she thinks happen at the North Pole. We would go to my mom's annual Christmas party, and she would have her first Christmas party, and get to sit with Santa and get the special gift he brouht just for her, while we stand in a good spot and try to take her picture, while she bawls, because she has no idea who this hairy guy is.

But none of that is happening. Instead, I am watching the calendar, and participating in every painful Christmas event that happens, wishing I was taking her and Sarah with me. Last night, we had the ward Christmas party. I couldn't go last year, and I can't remember why, so I was looking forward to this year, but I couldn't go this year either. My sister had a recital (which she rocked!) and I went to that, and bawled for 4 hours straight. Then, Allan sent pictures of my kids participating in the nativity skit, that they did at the church. Today, I went to our Young Women's Christmas Breakfast, and I wished, the whole time, my girls would've been able to pass her around and let her try the peach french toast. Tonight we have Allan's work Christmas party, and with all of this in my head, I don't want to celebrate anything. Next week, I would be taking Sarah and possibly Ellie on the hay rack ride, where it would be her first time caroling, and having hot chocolate at the Hunt's and all kinds of sweets. Next weekend is my mom's Christmas party. And before every event, I cry on my sweet husband, and he just lets me, and says, "I know. It's so hard. I wish I could fix it."..................What would I rather do? I want to sit at home, not decorate for Christmas, or watch any Christmas movies. I have no desire to do much of anything except sit at home, and hope that my kids don't know it's Christmas time, so they won't ask me to do any of the common things you do for Christmas. But this year, instead, we are going to the hospital tomorrow night, where we had Ellie, and putting our ornaments that Allan and I made for her, on the tree.

This year is not magical, or wonderful, or any of that for me. There have been some spots of magic, and wonder, but I can't look back and say that I'm overall, happy with this year. Overall, this year killed my spirit.  I cry too much now, I fake every happy emotion, I'm so stressed about this new baby that I'm causing contractions and bad head aches. I'm stressed about my other 3 kids, because I know I'm not the mom that I should be for them. But I'm trying so hard.

My family and friends ask me what I want for Christmas......"Nothing" is always the answer. They hate that. My sister helped me realize that it's because I feel like I don't deserve anything good. I don't deserve anything for myself. I don't deserve to be happy. I don't deserve any sort of celebrating or praise. She says it's not true, but she understands, because with all of her miscarriages, she feels the same way sometimes. It was nice to have her just know how I felt, and understand that, and convey that back to me.

Will it get better? Yes, I know over time it will get a lot better. Over time, it won't hurt so bad. Over time, I won't want her around every moment of the day, and I won't wonder what she's doing all of the time. Over time, I won't hate babies because they rip my heart out. Over time, I will gain my confidence back in myself, and know that I am worth so much more than I think I do now. Over time, I will stop punishing myself and blaming myself, and calling myself a murderer, because our daughter died. Over time, I will know this was just something that happened and couldn't be helped. Over time, I will allow people to love me again, and I will love myself again, too.

Maybe next year.......

I am going to go upstairs now, get ready for this party, put on my happy face that I've gotten so good at......so good that sometimes I can't take it down when I want to, to let someone in. I'm going to try to get pretty for my husband, so I will feel somewhat worthy of the compliments I know he will give me, and go to this party.

What I want for Christmas, I can't have. It's not possible. But, next on the list would be to find my happiness, and for things to get easier. For the happiness to not be fake, but real. I think it will happen, but it will just take time. Lots of time. And it will happen eventually.