Tonight, I went to our bereavement group meeting. This time, a friend of mine came with me, instead of Allan. She had lost a baby 2 years ago, I believe, and hadn't really done anything like that, and had that kind of outlet, so I thought it might be a good thing for her, to try it out. I always come back from those meetings really depressed, and generally feeling deflated. Tonight was no exception.
The last 2 weeks, maybe 3, I have been feeling really down, and really defeated. I was having a hard time, still, not thinking of Elliott as a job, and thinking of him as my child. I know why I feel that way, but I can't bring the guard down. I can't rationalize, that he is fine, and will be fine, and it's ok to get closer to him. On top of that, while holding Elliott, I can't help but think of Eleanor, and that I could've been doing all of this snuggling, feeding and talking to, with her. I had a friend, have a baby girl recently, and I was so incredibly jealous of her. Not to say that I am not happy that my baby boy is here, safe and sound, but I lost a baby girl, and no matter what, there will always be that little feeling that I wish I had that girl here. But, on the flip side, if I had her here, I don't know if I would've had Elliott. So I wrestle with that confusion. Plus, the general feeling of self doubt and inadequacy always comes around. I doubt anything and everything that I do, for my kids and my husband. I don't feel like I do anything to my fullest capabilities. I feel like I'm always a few steps behind, and what I'm doing is not good enough. And with all of that, I feel lonely. I have a wonderful family around me, wonderful friends, and yet, I feel alone, because no one can relate to this. And I feel like, no one wants to hear it anymore, least of all, me. I don't talk to friends as much. I don't laugh or joke as much as I used to. I don't do extra things for people, like I used to. I just blend in and stay to myself.
I've tried talking to Allan about it, and he's been so great to listen and try to help, but I know he's getting frustrated because there is nothing he can do to help me. I've talked to a few people, and at the end of it, I'm tired of hearing it, so I'm sure they are. I've kind of shut down a little bit, when it comes to talking about my feelings and emotions, in regards to all of this. I feel, almost, robotic now. I don't want to make my husband worry about me, so I am trying hard to not say a ton. I need to be a good example to my kids, and be strong. I need to be a good example to my siblings, and to the rest of my family. I need to be a good example to the Young Women, in my ward, who watch everything that I do, and notice if I'm not my usual happy self. Sometimes I feel like I have to lie my way through the day, so that I can get through this gracefully, or at least make it seem that way. But, I've done it for so long now, that when I'm put in a group of women, who all have been through the same things as me, where I should feel the most comfortable and able to be the most honest, I shut down and say nothing, and do nothing.
At the bereavement group, we go around the table and tell our story, of how we lost our children. It came to my turn, and do you know what I said? I said, "I lost Eleanor when I was 37 weeks pregnant. I had her here, at Summerlin Hospital." Done........REALLY?! All of the things I could've said, that's it. I just shut off. I used to be able to tell the whole story, and now I can't. It came time to deal with it, or to talk about Ellie, with people who knew me, and understood, and I shut it off. GOSH! That's so frustrating to me. My friend went next, and said, "Geez, I wish I could talk about it like that." All I thought was, "Geez, I wish I could talk about it like her." She lets herself feel it. She lets herself cry. She lets herself get emotional. I don't let myself go there anymore.The frustrating part of the meeting was, I learned, it doesn't go away. Sometimes, it doesn't even get better. It's always there. That emptiness in the family picture is always there, and you always notice it.
I am such a fixer. I like to figure the problem out, find out how to fix it, and just do it. Get it over with and move on. I learned tonight, that that doesn't exist with this problem. Time doesn't fix this. Talking about it, doesn't fix this. There is nothing I can do, to fix this. I learned tonight, I need to learn how to live with this, and not let it defeat me, like it has been. I learned that, even 10 years after the loss of a child, you still have good days, and you still have bad days. That there are going to be times, around holidays, and birthdays and random moments that trigger it, where you feel like someone has punched you in the stomach, and you want to run away.
I knew that having another baby, wouldn't fix anything, or make anything better. I thought, maybe, it would increase the confidence in myself, as a mother. I thought, maybe, it would make me soften a little bit, and allow myself to feel those emotions, a little more outwardly. It hasn't. I feel less confident in myself, because I'm always afraid that I will wake up the next morning, and he will be dead. I don't have time to feel those emotions, and obviously, when I do make the time, I block them anyways.
Tonight, I learned that I am not ok right now. I am struggling a lot. But, after listening to those women, the women who have been a long time out, after losing a baby, I learned that it is possible to keep going, and be ok, with time. I wanted to be over this in a few months, like it's a cold or something that I can just get over. But it's not, and I won't ever get over this. But I will learn how to live with this, in a healthier manner, eventually. 1 year is not that long, especially after what we have gone through this year. I need to be patient with myself, and give myself more time. I have realized tonight, that people aren't going to like what I have to say, especially on my blog. It's too honest, and its uncomfortable. But that's ok. Because, also, tonight, I have learned that it's helping, not only myself, but other people. So, I guess I like helping people feel validated in their own feelings, while I explore my own and figure things out. I think that's all anyone wants, is to feel validated, especially myself. That kind of makes all of these emotions and pain, worth it. It makes losing Ellie, mean something positive, and I like that.
They say that time heals all wounds.......I know now that it doesn't. Time gives us the opportunities to learn and grow, so we can deal, better, with the wounds. I'm still learning.
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