Grateful

Recently, I had decided I wanted to try really hard, to share my appreciation for things, big or small, that people do for me and my family. I have realized, after losing my daughter, that people have no idea that sometimes, the smallest things can actually change the course of someone's grieving, or happiness, or on a larger scale, their life.

When we lost Eleanor, we were held up so high, by people's prayers, well wishes, love and compassion. Anything that people could think of to do for us, they did it, and it helped. My favorite things that people have done is just talk. I didn't have to go to them, and have that awkward moment of, "Hey, I'm having a hard time today, I just need to talk" moment. They came to me, wrapped their arms around me, and asked me the hard questions so that I would talk about it. I can't name all of the things that people did for us, because it would be impossible. And the amount of gratitude I have for them, and those acts of kindness and service, is infinite.

Now, a year later, I always want to make sure people know that they can make a difference in someone's life. Without those people, I would have been, and still would be in a very VERY dark place. I might have gone inactive. Our marriage would definitely be on the rocks. Our kids would be very unhappy and hopeless. How do I know this? I know, because I still battle it every day. As time goes on, the love of everyone is still there, but the acts of service, have faded. It's just life, and it's ok. But a year later, I battle the depression. I battle the loneliness. I battle the feelings of anger towards Heavenly Father. The loneliness is probably the worst thing. It feeds everything else. I wish people knew to just walk up and hug me and ask the hard questions, so I would talk about it, but they don't anymore. They don't know what to say, and they don't want to be put in any position of awkwardness themselves. Also, they don't know if it's their business or if I even want to talk about it. I do. But, I've lost a lot of the willingness to talk to them about it on my own.

With all of that battling, I still know that I am better off than I would've been. I am so lucky to have the church in my life, and the testimony of the Gospel, and the knowledge of what is to come. I have met so many women, from all kinds of backgrounds, and it saddens me to hear that hopelessness that some of them have. They have the feeling that they will see their children again, but they really aren't sure how, or why or even when. All of those things I know, I just need to be reminded here and there. I have a perspective that, I wouldn't know what I know, as strongly as I do, had I not gone through what have. I would love to have learned the lessons I have, without it including the death of my child, but, really, would I have paid attention? Would I have learned it, and held on to it as strongly as I have? Probably not. I am grateful for those lessons. Most of all, without going through this heart ache, I wouldn't have been able to give a more personal service to other families. If you know me, you know I LOVE to do service. It's an addiction I think. HA! I love talking to people about this, and doing for others, what people have done for me. Other women have given me that relate-ability that I needed so badly. I needed someone to say, "I have been through this too, and you aren't crazy. You are her mother, and you can do this."

Recently, I heard of a woman who lost her child, similar to how I lost mine, but instead of having all of that love and support, and knowledge, to draw from, she was alone. She had 2 members of her family helping her the best they could, and the father blamed her, even though she did nothing wrong. She tried to take her life a few days ago, by over dosing. I can relate, partially. I understand, fully, how overwhelming the emotions and thoughts can be. There will never be a day where I don't think that maybe I did do something wrong that caused this, and dissect the whole 9 months of my pregnancy. But I can control that a bit. I understand the loneliness that comes from this. You have friends and family around you, but no one is talking about it. Anything and everything you can think of is magnified, when you feel lonely, and it hurts even more when no one notices, because it almost validates it. But then, my sister calls me and we talk, or my mother, or I talk to someone else, not about the baby, but about anything, and I realize, I'm not alone. I understand how overwhelming all of those things are, and then some, and the thought of giving up becomes even stronger.......I feel so sad for her, because the one difference between her and I, is, I feel that hope, that I will see her again. I feel that love of my Father in Heaven, wrapping his arms around me. I hear his voice telling me that he loves me. I can see my daughter in my thoughts and know her, as if I raised her for years and years. I have an opposite to the negative feelings. I wish everyone had that hope, and could feel that hope. I know everyone can, but not everyone is ready for it, or wants it.

I still battle, and I still want the validation. I NEED it. I still need people to help me talk about it. I have so much gratitude for what I have though. I am grateful for my friends, my family, and most of all my Heavenly Father. We have made it through this year, as gracefully as we could, because of their support. I hope that one day, I can figure out a way to pay it forward, and help others, as all of those people have helped us. I have such a huge desire to help, I just need to figure out how. For now, I'm happy for the small acts of service I can do for others. You never know. The small acts of service you do one day, can change the course of someone's life, like it did mine.