Grateful

Last night, my friend and I were doing our nightly torture walk, as I call it. During our walk, I was telling her about what we did that day, and telling her that we went to Palm Mortuary, to pick up Ellie's death certificate, and visit Ellie and TC. I recounted the first time I pulled out the certificate, and saw mine and my husband's name on it, and thinking, "I'm too young to have my name on a Death Certificate for a child." I also, recounted sitting back watching my family at Ellie's grave. My husband was just sobbing, and my children were running around the cemetery, happy and laughing, comfortable with their surroundings and situation. Even Taylor has gotten good at not stealing toys from other children's head stones. I was telling her how strange it is to me, that this is how my life turned out, that my husband would be broken, like this, and my children would be comfortable in a cemetery, because we are there so often. I just told her, that I never expected my life to turn out like this.

I didn't have to go anywhere today, which is a rarity, and not always a welcomed occurrence in my schedule. So, the kids and I stayed home, and played and watched movies. I still had that statement in my mind today. After a few minutes of looking at that GIANT picture that my sweetheart got me for Mother's Day, I realized, I'm finally getting it. I'm finally realizing the person I have become, and my purpose, right now.

As I looked at the picture, I studied each person in it, and thought about my role in their lives, and who they are, right now.

First, Elliott. He is so sweet, and happy. When he's aggravated or sad, I'm the one that can calm him. No one else. I'm the one, when I hold him, he instantly lays his head on my shoulder and just nuzzles in. When I walk into a room, and he locks on to me, he just smiles and goo's with his whole body. I can't wait to see how this little guy fits into our family.

Next was Lucas.....not Luke. Haha! I feel like, this last year especially, has damaged him a bit, and it was mostly me that did it. I was so unhappy, but pretending to be happy to everyone else....except at home. He just wanted to make me happy, and was so afraid to make me angry, sad or generally unhappy. I would often watch him, and it just always seemed like he walked on egg shells around me. He was scared. Now that things are getting back to our version of normal, it's almost like he doesn't know what to do. He used to be so snuggly, and loving, quiet and sweet......but stubborn. Now, he's getting back to that, but with a bit more unsurity. His confidence has been rebuilding, but will always be shakey, I think. He is really funny, and loves to try to get a reaction from people, by telling jokes or doing something silly. My favorite thing he does, is, in church, he sits with me, and occassionally he holds my face, presses his nose on mine, and just strokes my face. Ha! He wispers that I am beautiful and he loves me so much. It melts my heart and I just want to hold him forever. 

My Taylor.....he tries my patience. But even then, he is the sweetest baby boy. He's not a baby, but he still wants to be, while wanting to be a big boy at the same time. He is a boy, through and through. He has his own little way of doing things that just makes us laugh. I have been working really hard on him, and the others, to try to help them all play together, but really, he's always left out of things. He and Luke play really well together, when Sarah isn't around. He is Luke's boy outlet. He LOVES his big brother. I love, in the mornings, when he's not quite awake, he toddles into our room, and tries as hard as he can to climb Mt. Rogers' Bed, while holding his 2 blankies, his Buzz Lightyear and his little Batman guys. Once he finally gets into bed, he snuggles up to me, and nuzzles and sighs, like he's missed snuggling with me. I love how he tries so hard to be one of the big kids, but you're not allowed to call him a big boy. He's still a little boy, and kind of a baby, to him.

My Sarah. My girl. Her and I always butt heads, and it hurts me. I don't want to do that. I want to just love her. But honestly, it's hard. She is a daddy's girl, always has been. Her and I don't have many sweet moments together, because she wants them all with her daddy. But the few we get to have, are usually when I glance over at her, when she doesn't notice, and I get to realize how beautiful she is becoming, and how smart she is. She is so sweet with  her little brothers, and has really tried to step in a lot, when I have been broken. She knows how to change Taylor's diaper, and how to lay the boys down for naps. She knows how to make them lunch, and how to turn their shows on for them. I know that this last year has been so difficult on her, and I think, sometimes, how hard it has been on her, has gotten over looked. But I notice. I just wish I could fix it for her. She's loud, sure of herself, goofy, has her own style, and won't let anyone change her mind with anything. I LOVE all of those things about her. She is a great girl. I am trying harder with her, to just walk up, give her a hug and tell her how proud I am of her, and how smart and beautiful I think she is.

Finally, Allan, my sweetheart....or known to others as the giant, hairy, nerdy, white, jew, asian guy, or to me as, my papa bear. He is......he is just the best person I know. He has so many flaws, but has so many sweet, and amazing qualities, that few get to see. He loves to snuggle, and watch girly movies. He loves to entertain people, and help them to experience things they never would get to, otherwise. He is as sweet with me, as much as he is honest and, sometimes, abrasive. He thinks I am the most beautiful woman in the world, and constantly tells me that. He has helped me learn more about myself, than anyone I've ever met. He doesn't try to over power me, or to be my "other half". He tries to lift me up, and be the best I can be. He challenges me all of the time. He can take criticism like no one I've ever seen, and he is, most of the time, so gracious about it. Finally, he is the best father I have ever seen. He loves his kids with everything he has, and shows them all of the time. He struggles in the church, sometimes, but for the most part, he has shown his kids how to try as hard as a person can, to stay close to the gospel, and keep working at it. I think he is the best match for me, incredibly smart, handsome and loving, and I really think he is the best blessing I have ever received. 

I felt bad, today, saying that I never imagined my life this way, in such a negative way, but it could be said in a positive way too. I have the most amazing husband, ever, and the most wonderful, fun, children, anyone could ask for. Sure, I lost a child, my little Ellie Belly, but it's ok! Because, even with her short little life, inside of me, will never impact me, in the negative way that it does others in my situation. It's after her death, that she has impacted me the most. The things that I have learned through her, and because of her are invaluable, and I feel lucky to know the things I do, or gotten to see what I've seen. I feel like I know her, just as much as I know my other children, if not more. I am so grateful for her, and for this experience. I have been softened because of it. I have matured, because of it, and sometimes immatured because of it, in areas I needed to. I have so many more opportunities to serve others, and have made future plans to do so, and I can't wait to do that. I have always been very service oriented, but really unsure of myself, regarding how to go about doing that, but now, I have realized ways that I can. 

I appreciate things so much more, and I am not afraid to be proud of myself for accomplishing something, even as silly as trying to get a little bit healthier, and move my butt. I appreciate the lessons learned, all of which I can't list out, in their entirety. But I know, I can always look back, and see how I was, how selfish I was, and childish I was, and see the changes that have been made within myself, to turn myself into the person I am now, and the person I will become. 

I say all of this, because I don't want to be sad anymore. I don't want to mourn her anymore. I miss her, and I miss the hope of her, but I know she is part of our family. There will always be small things that make me sad, about her, like family pictures, especially. Family pictures are painful for me, still. Or events where I know I will never experience with her. But, with those sad things, I need to remember what she has taught me, and the gifts she has given me. I will get sad, but it won't be my constant state. She knows I love her, and she knows that her home is here. She knows that I am proud of her. For a really long time, I would have dreams every night, about her. Most nights I would wake up just sobbing, and I couldn't go back to sleep. I still hold on to those dreams. I used to dream of the moment, when I finally got to see her. She would smile at me, and I would stand there, frozen and beaming, just looking in her eyes for, what felt like, hours. I would just look her up and down, marveling at how beautiful she is, and how much she looks like me....with a little bit of her father. Finally, I would just grab her and hug her, and squeeze her so tight. The part that made me cry, was in the dream, I could feel her long, straight, brown hair. And as I hugged her, my hands would rest on her back, on her long hair, and as we hugged, I could smell her hair......her. My dreams were always about that first time I got to hug her. I always took that for granted, the first time your kids hugged you back, or the first time they smiled at you, or the first time you held your babies, after they were born. I didn't get those moments with her, not the way I wanted, so I long for that first hug, where she hugs me back. I can't wait for the first time I get to tell her, "I love you" and "I'm so proud of you". But because I can't wait to tell her those things, and have those moments with her, I make sure, now, that I have lots of those moments with my kids, now. Another blessing she has given me.

While sitting here, studying that photograph, I realized something about myself, that will never change, I hope. I always look at my children and my husband, as if I am not in that photograph. I feel like I am just there to hold my boys, so they can be in the picture. I am so proud of my family. I do everything for my family. I have never been prouder of anyone, more than I am my husband. I am proud of the amazing children that Heavenly Father has blessed me with. I always want my husband and my children, to be in the front of everything that I do. I always want them to be the focus. Sometimes, being selfish, and doing things for myself, IS putting them first, because, lets face it, a happy mommy, is a happy family.

So, like I said, I'm finally getting it. I am meant to be a stay at home mom, to raise these kids, to teach them and to guide them. I am meant to do service. I am meant not to have a career, or a job that pays money, but to hold on to this job, and career, because it pays in a much greater currency. And I wouldn't have it any other way. I know who I am, for right now. I am a strong woman. I have a strong testimony of the gospel. I am fun, and have a good sense of humor, even though it's slightly inappropriate at times. I am kind, and loving, and would do just about anything, to help someone else. The best thing I have learned about myself is, I am a good mother, and I am a good wife. I am proud of myself for getting through this last year, still holding strong, if not stronger, to my Father in Heaven, and trying to make him proud. I think I got through it, stumbling and bumbling around, but I got it, and I will never forget. 

This last year, I have learned that I have talents, I knew nothing about. I love to take pictures, and help others keep hold of memories. And I don't think I'm too shabby at it....I still have a TON to learn, and a ways to go. I have always been obsessive about taking pictures of my kids and writing down stories of certain events, because I am so petrified I will forget those moments. Not only that, I want to be able to pass those memories down to my children. I don't have a lot of stories from my childhood, or stories from my grandparents, from when they were younger, and their history, so it's very important for me, to make sure my children know their history, even if it starts with me. I am excited to take classes and learn more, to get better, and provide that service for others. I don't know if it counts as a talent, but I love it so much, and I have a deep passion for it. I want to try as hard as I can to get better, and become great. One of the greatest services that has been done for me, is when Scott came to the hospital, just after Eleanor was born, and took pictures of her, then touched them up, so they could be displayed, without discomfort. Those are my favorite pictures, I've ever gotten. Those pictures have gotten me through this year. If I ever feel comfortable enough, and feel like I am good enough, I would love to give that back to others, and take pictures for them, of their sweet, lost, angels.

Another thing I have found, that I love, is just writing on my blog, which has now turned into a public journal of sorts. I feel like I'm not too shabby at writing. I have loved writing down every raw emotion. I have loved documenting every sad day, and every happy day. I have loved telling the stories of my family. Mostly, I have loved telling Ellie's story, and being able to convey what kind of person she is, even though we never got to meet her in person. I love knowing, that I can help people, even validate people's feelings and emotions, with my honesty. 

A few days ago, I was sad about a possible job change, for Allan, and a possible move. I didn't want to move, and I didn't want to leave some of the best friends I have. I was telling my sister this and she told me that some people are in our lives for a few moments, and some people are in our lives for a long time, even a lifetime. But the time they are in our lives isn't what's important. It's the things they've taught us, and the people they've helped us become. My sister is my best friend, and it's only been such a short time that we have gotten, and remained, close. I wish I could really convey how much I love her, and how much she has done for me, even during times she didn't know she was helping me. My amazing friend, Heather, has become another sister to me. She means so much to me. When I lost Ellie, and my sister had to go back home, she told Heather, that she had to take her place. She told Heather that she needed to call me every day, and keep checking in on me, and make sure I was ok. And I can say, Heather has done exactly what my sister wanted her to do. She has taken care of me, and been there. She has also caused me to gain 20 pounds, because of all of our McDonalds trips, but those are the happiest 20 pounds I have ever gained, and I am grateful for every pound. Another person, that was unexpected, was Tammy. The nurse that was with me, and helped me in the hospital, and was also able to be there when Elliott was born. We haven't talked in quite a while, and I miss her every day, but I will be forever grateful for the impact she made on my life. She helped me to find the positive, and remind me of what I knew about my Heavenly Father, and His plan, from the very first moments in the hospital. She will never understand how grateful I am to her, and how she changed the course of my grieving. Finally, my great friend Amy. I didn't know her well, before I had Ellie. I served in the Young Women's presidency with her, at church. I always thought she was a really cool chick, in her quirky way. Over the last year, and a bit, she has become an amazing friend. Another unexpected friend. She has helped me remain close to my Heavenly Father. She has helped to remind me of the things I should be doing, by sharing the things she has struggled with, and ways that she improved her life. She is honest, in everything she does, and even though she doesn't think she's the "fun factor" in her family, she definitely is. She has made me want to try harder, and I do. She has been another great example of being confident in your choices, and being sure of yourself, no matter what others think. But most of all, she has been a constant example of always trying to make Christ the center of a marriage, and a family.

There are so many people, that have touched me, from the ladies who came to visit me, a few nights after I lost my daughter, to my Mother, Father, and Step Parents, along with extended family. I have learned, through all of this, to sit back, watch whats going on around you, and just appreciate it. It's not always what you pictured your life to be, but it's still beautiful, and still a blessing. Sometimes you have to squint really hard to see the blessings, but they're there.