Since my last blog posting, about being done with mourning my little Eleanor, I have paid close attention to my life, and what I consider to be, "my new normal".
Normal used to be me being a mommy, staying home with my kids, taking them to school, appointments, and activities. Normal used to be rushing around, trying to get the house cleaned, before my husband got home (he didn't really care if it was, it was just my hang up). Normal used to be going shopping all of the time, just to kill time. Normal used to be, loving going to church, but not really being able to feel the spirit, because of always having to keep the kids quiet and reverent during sacrament and other classes. Normal, for me, is probably most people's version of normal. What is normal now, for me?
Since losing my daughter, I feel like my eyes have been opened. I feel like I appreciate things, a little bit more...well, a lot more. While, I am not always the most positive person, I have been able to appreciate the trials in life, because of the lessons learned, because of those trials. I am working on the positivity thing, and hope to be a much more positive person in time.
Even when it came to money, I have become more frugal, because, even a simple lesson like that, is valuable, and needs to be taught to my children. I appreciate every moment I can get, to teach my children about life, good habits to develop, education and, mostly, their Father in Heaven, and His plan for each one of us.
Before, I used to go to church, because we are just supposed to, and I did enjoy it, but the intent was not there. Now, because of the gift that my Heavenly Father has given me, of being able to see, know and feel my daughter, I WANT to go. I want to always feel worthy of those gifts and blessings. I want to go, because I want to feel Him all of the time, not just occasionally. I feel as if I know Him, personally, and I want to make him proud of me, and all of my choices. I'm going to make mistakes, I know, but I want to show him that I really am trying to do the right things, and be like Him and His son. I want to give that foundation to my children, and as strong as a foundation as I can.
Before the events of last year, I loved my husband and my children, but I think I took them for granted, even. I didn't REALLY notice how funny, smart and truly beautiful my oldest daughter really is. I didn't notice how sweet Lucas is, and how much he tries to make everyone happy. I didn't notice how smart Taylor is, and while he's a bit of a brute, he is the most gentle boy. I didn't notice how wonderful my husband really is. I didn't notice how selfless he is. And while he can be a bit abrasive, he really isn't what he projects himself as. He is a big teddy bear, and just loves everyone around him, especially me. I never appreciated how much I really loved them, and really put them ahead of everything, and everyone else. Mostly, I might not have had Elliott, as part of our family. Eleanor was going to be our last child. Even if she wasn't, we wouldn't have named him Elliott. A friend of mine said to me, one day, "Maybe she sacrificed herself, so that Elliott could join the family." It's a bit morbid, and probably not true.....but who knows?!
My new normal has come with some set backs, however. Before, I loved pictures of my family, all together. Mostly, because it is such a rarity to get all of us, looking in one spot, and all smiling. HA! But, now, while I still love pictures of our whole family, there is always a little bit of pain there, too, when I look at them. There will always be that missing person, that little brunette girl, sitting right up front.
Another set back is, I used to be able to blame being depressed or bad moods on specific events of the day, or life, but now, I wake up, feeling great and energetic, but in a matter of minutes, I feel like the floor has been pulled out from under me, and I want to crawl in bed, curl up and just cry for hours. It happens frequently, and it happens out of no where, for no reason. I hate those days. Yesterday was one of those days. I was fine, until about 5:00p, and then I just wanted to disappear, and cry. I was moody and depressed, and I, unfortunately, took it out on my sweet husband (although, he was pushin my buttons. Twirp.). I wish I could control those times, more, but I can't. I hope with time, those days become less frequent.
Finally, the last set back is, because my confidence in myself has been shaken so greatly, I depend on friends a lot, to lift me up. I have depended on them so much recently, that I am finding myself depending on them too much, and not on myself enough. I am working on stepping back a bit, and starting over, with myself. I used to actively work on finding things I liked about myself, and I was confident in those things, but since losing my daughter, I have lost every ounce of confidence in myself. So, now, I am trying to rebuild that, and not depend on friends to validate me. Every week, I look in the mirror, and pick out something that I like about myself, physically or otherwise. I have not liked my body much, so I've been working really hard on my eating habits, and walking a ton, almost every night. Walking has really helped, not only physically change me, but mentally as well. I push myself now, to go a little bit further, and do a little bit more, each week, and I am really proud of myself, for being able to do as much as I can. I am not as afraid to do physical things, and when I do, I am surprised that I am not out of breath or wanting to sit down and rest. In fact, I find myself wanting to run with the kids and jump around and play more. I WANT to be more active, because my confidence in myself and my abilities has greatly increased. Instead of saying, "I don't think I can do this", I say, "Hmmm, I wonder if I can do this! Let's give it a try!" I have a wonderful friend who goes with me on most nights, and I see myself trying to push her, to reach her goals, which makes me want to push myself harder, to be a good example for her. During those walks, I enjoy our talks, no matter how serious or silly they are. I used to be a little disappointed when she couldn't go, because I didn't want to go alone. I didn't think I could do it alone. But now, there are days when I just want to go by myself. I want to challenge myself, and push myself, and I just want that quiet time to listen to music, or the scriptures, and just walk, and lose myself. However, she was the first person I called, when I got on the scale and saw that I had lost 25 pounds, and a lot of inches, in 4 months! I was so proud of myself, for doing it, and her helping me! There are very few nights I want to, and do, go alone. I really enjoy her company, and value her opinions and "wisdom". I really do have the best friends and family of anyone I know. I don't care what anyone says, mine are the BEST!
My new normal is filled with a much more enriched, meaningful happiness, where I have found that selfishness, isn't always a bad thing. Actually, it's necessary. I feel like I, more fully, understand love, and am really understanding my Heavenly Fathers love, and sacrifice for me. I am happy to sacrifice for my family, and it makes me so happy that I have the ability to give to them, a better understanding also.
I love my family, and my friends and everyone around me. I wish I could've become this person, while still being able to have my daughter here, but I really don't think I would've appreciated it as much. There are still tough times ahead, but after seeing how much I have matured and changed, I can't wait to see what those tough times bring to my life, and how they will change me, and help me mature even more than I already have.
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