Hard Day

Sunday, well, it definitely is described by the title of this post. It keeps happening too, out of no where. I think I'm fine, then, BAM, it hits me.

The night before last, Sunday, I went to our Sunday dinner at Allan's parents house. However, Allan left right after church to go to training in San Jose, for Adobe. (Yes, I cried right after he left, because I missed him as he was pulling out of the garage.) So, I went solo, with my 4 kids. It was a great night. Allan's parents had all of the girl stuff at their house still, from when Ellie passed, so we pulled the girl bin out. I was able to go through Sarah's old clothes, with Cecilia, so she could take them for the new baby coming. I loved going through the clothes, and remembering when Sarah used to wear certain outfits, and how cute she looked in everything, and how her personality, even then, matched each one of those spunky outfits. On the way home from Sunday dinner, I had decided to offer Cecilia the few clothes I have left of Eleanor's. I had received a bunch of clothes at Ellie's baby shower, the day that I gave birth to my sweet angel. I had tried so many times to give them away, or just give them to Goodwill or the DI, and I just couldn't. Cecilia had given birth to Lilia, just a month after I had Ellie, and I even tried then, to give her those clothes, and I couldn't. I just held on to that small bin of clothes, socks, blankets, binkies, and other things, still with tags, and in their wrapping, because it felt like her. I had received these thoughtful gifts for her, and somehow, I associated those items, with her, and I couldn't let them go.

After making the decision to offer these items to Cecilia, I called Allan to check with him, and see if he thought that was a good idea, or if he thought I should keep them a bit longer. We have been trying to decide if we would have more kids or not, and if we did, and it was a girl, then we wanted to use them (that's another blog post, HA!). He thought it was actually a great idea, and said to go for it. I text messaged Cecilia and told her the situation, and told her that I understood if she thought it was too weird to take them, but I would love for her to have them. She got back to me, and basically, she said she was honored that we thought of her, and would love to take them, and use them. Immediately, I had a terrible pit in my stomach. This was the last thing I needed to do. And I just thrust myself into it.


I got home that night, put all of the kids in bed, went to the garage, and pulled down the plastic tub that had her stuff in it. I brought that, a garbage bag of girl shoes, and a tub of girl sheets and blankets up to my room. I opened up the tub, and there were the cute gifts that were given to me, for Eleanor. I pulled out the clothes, still on their hangers, and still with tags hanging from them, and looked at each outfit. I remembered everything from that day. I remembered who gave me each item, thanking them, and even what bags the gifts came in. I remembered.....ugh, I remembered everything. And I just broke down and cried. I felt like these things were her, and it was the last piece of her, that I had, and I was just going to give it away. In reality, I have things from her, in her big hope chest, but for some reason, I was attached to these items, too. I wanted to take each item from that bin, and put them in her hope chest. I pulled out some receiving blankets that I had gotten as a gift, still in their package. The name of the line was Ellie. No one knew that was the name we had chosen for her, yet. We had just decided on that name a few days prior. I remember pulling the blankets out of the gift bag, and laughing because it was her name, at the babyshower. I saw that name, on those blankets, and I felt like it was her. I held that package of receiving blankets as tight as I could, and as close to my chest as I could, and just broke down and cried. In that moment of sobbing, and physically hurting, I wished my husband was there with me. I wished my sweet sister was there with me. I wished I didn't move so far away from everyone I knew, because I wished my wonderful best friend was there with me. I just wished someone was there with me, holding my hand while I pulled things out, and remembered. I wished that someone was there, holding me while I cried on their shoulder as hard as my body would allow. I wished that this didn't hurt as much, still, as it did that day.

Finally, I dried my face, put the items back in the bin, got up, walked in my kids' rooms, and quietly kissed their foreheads. I went back in my room, turned the lights off and went to bed. I felt grateful for all of my children, for my husband, and for my friends and family. But, I felt lonely, and quiet. Not a good kind of quiet either. The kind of quiet, where you are very introverted and you're just trying to talk yourself out of the feelings of deserving this torture.

Ultimately, I am glad that I can give this gift to Cecilia, because I don't have memories of Ellie wearing these clothes, or using these blankets or wearing these headbands or socks. So when her baby wears them, it won't hurt to see them on her. And, I know that Cecilia understands how hard it is for me to give them to her, and let someone else enjoy them, since I didn't get to enjoy them on my daughter. I'm so glad that she understands that, and is appreciative of that. I think it would make it that much harder to give them away, if the person I gave them to, didn't understand those things. I'm grateful for the opportunity to push myself harder, and try to keep moving, and I'm glad that I'm seizing that opportunity, even though it feels like a gut wrenching, impossible task. I know it's good for me.


At the baby shower, my little sister, Christine, took some pictures on her cell phone, since I didn't bring my camera, because it was a surprise shower, so I didn't know to. A few weeks after I lost Ellie, she sent these pictures to me. They are, besides Scott's photo's of Ellie at the hospital, some of my favorite pictures, but are some of the hardest for me to look at. But, I wanted to share them, because I don't think I ever have.

Becky (the one getting ready to sit on the chair), Dora, Sarah, Heather, Norma, and Gina

A super cute cake my mom got from Retro Bakery

Cute cupcakes to go with the cake

Happy me

Sarah was so excited to help me open the presents for her new baby, and see what she could dress her in

A present for Sarah and her new baby sister

Here is the present for her and her new sister. I did save this onesie, of course, and put it in Ellie's hope chest.

My cute girl

There she is. My Ellie Belly, inside my belly. Hard for me not to think, when looking at this picture, that she was already gone, and I didn't know....and then I cry, because the guilt comes in.