Unexpected Moments

It has been so long since my last posting. I've stayed pretty quiet, and to myself, for the most part. Lots of things have been going on, and I have stayed busy, but in reality, I feel like I'm standing in one spot. I've been standing in that spot for almost 2 years now, while everyone else is whizzing by me. Occasionally  I see people I know, and they stop for conversation, and then, off they go again. I want to move, but I can't. I want to scream, "STOP!! I need you!!", but I can't. I just stand there, crying quietly. My grief has caused me to feel like I'm standing still. And if I don't release it, I will only continue to stand still. So here goes:

Things have been eating at me for a while now, and I just really want to say something, but I don't. I'm so afraid that what I say will offend, hurt or distance people that I care about. I feel, lately, that I can't be as honest as I once was. Did someone say something, to make me feel afraid to be honest? No. I think it's human nature, that when you're sad about something, for a long time, to think that people don't want to hear it anymore. The reality is, they do. However, they too, are getting frustrated, that they can't help you. They want to be able to fix it, so you can heal and keep moving with life, but they can't. They just say the same things over and over, and hope that one of the times they say the particular phrase that they say, will click on the switch in your brain, and it will fix your problem. They hope that one of the hugs that they give you, will help you to cry on them, and then you will feel release from the burden of sadness. I am afraid that people are getting tired of the same subject over and over again. I am afraid that the yo-yo ride of emotions that I am on, they are tired of being on, so they've gotten off and have moved on. 1 1/2 years is a long time to be sad about a the death of a person you never met. 1 1/2 years is a long time to stand still on a long and windy road. 1 1/2 years is a long time to beg and plead for the sadness to go away, for the pain to go away.

One thing that has angered me a lot lately is when people use the, "you just......." and they finish it off with whatever prescribed emotional thing that helped them get through the loss of their ear ring, or the loss of their pet hamster. I would love to have whatever I "just" have to do actually work, but it doesn't. I would love to be able to "just" take some anti-depressants, and I would be CURED! I would love to "just" work out more, and that would be my release. I would love to "just" go talk to someone, and that'll make you feel better.........I would love to "just get over it, and stop it."..............I would love that. Those really are all things people have said to me. Not out of any ill towards me, or anger, but because they are frustrated that what they are trying to do for me, isn't working. That's all. It's ok. I understand their frustration more than anyone.......BECAUSE IT'S ME! The thing that I "just" have to do, I have realized, is "just" keep going. When emotions blindside me, because of some unexpected, out of the blue event that happens, I need to roll with it, cry about it, grieve about it, and then get up, dry my eyes and keep going. I can't run away from it. I've got to face life. I've got to be my own cheerleader, because no one else can do it for me. I have to give myself my own pep talks, because no one else can or will. I'm the only one that will, consistently, be there for me. I am the one that knows me the best.

There have been a few unexpected events that have happened, recently. I thought I was fine, I thought I was happy, and life was good. And then, BAM! I'm at Joanns. You know, the craft store. I'm there looking for fabric for some baby blankets I'm making, along with a quilt for an event, and I look up, and there is the fabric I put in Lilia's blanket, that matched Eleanor's blanket that she was buried in. If you don't remember, Lilia is my niece that was born a month or so after I lost Eleanor. Lilia's baby blanket was the first one I made after Eleanor. I wanted to put a piece of Ellie in that blanket, and I happened to have some material that resembled the fabric that was used for Ellie's blanket. I started to well up. I stood still, mesmerized by this fabric, with quiet tears running down my face, in the middle of the isle, just staring at this fabric. My kids were running around the isle, and laughing, completely oblivious to the fact that I was entranced by this fabric, and that it just made my heart explode, and my body was completely numb. After a few minutes, I heard a baby cry, and it made whatever part of my heart that was left, shatter into a million pieces, because that night, when I had Ellie, I wanted to prove everyone wrong. I wanted to hear her cry so badly, so that I could show them that she was fine, and not dead. But she didn't.

As I stood in the isle, crying, and staring, I continued to hear the crying. I finally blinked, and wiped my face off. I turned my head, just in time to see Taylor wrapping himself in some red sequence fabric, saying, "I'm Red Batman", and realized, it was Elliott crying. He had lost his pacifier. I put the pacifier back in his mouth, and covered him with his blanket, where he continued to smoosh it all over his face and finally go back to sleep. I unwrapped "Red Batman" and got control again, of them, and continued on my way.

The next moment came on Sunday. This last Sunday. We arrived at my In-Laws house, for our usual Sunday dinner. Cecilia, my sister in law, and Lilia's mom, and Lincoln, Allan's brother, and Cecilia's husband, had arrived before us. As I walked in last, I heard Allan say, "Oh wow! You've been having contractions! How far apart are they?" and "So you could have this baby tonight?" As I heard all of this, I could feel my stomach just tighten up, and the nerves in my arms, hands and legs, start to jump around uncontrollably. I came in, and we sat down and I immediately did my thing, of staying quiet, and focusing on getting the kids fed, and keeping them quiet. Basically, avoiding any eye contact with Cecilia or her belly, and avoided any conversation with them. That night, I walked outside a lot, I changed my focus to anything but having conversation with anyone. I was short, and busy. I just wanted everything to be done, so I could leave. The pain and anxiety I was feeling for those 3 hours was indescribable. So, I'm not even going to try to explain it. I just wanted to go away, and I wanted it to stop. This was a situation, however, that I really thought I'd be ok with. I mean, when Lilia was born, that was hard, and I was jealous and angry and all of the expected things, but I really thought I'd be just fine with this. Apparently, I was wrong. Just days before, I had given all of the clothes that were bought for Ellie, that I received at the baby shower, to Cecilia for her new baby. She was amazing, receiving them. She was so sweet and understanding, and even asked my permission to use one of the outfits as the baby's take-home outfit. I thought the day of giving her those clothes would be hard. I wasn't as hard as watching her in labor.

Scarlett Taylor Rogers

When I found out, the next morning, that Cecilia had given birth to baby Scarlett that morning, I was relieved, but also, so jealous that she got to have her baby girl, 2 of them! I was jealous that she can get pregnant so easily, and hold on to them so easily. I was jealous that she doesn't have to take any medication to keep a pregnancy, or have that stress and burden for 9 months, that if she misses a day, that it might take away her baby. I was so happy for them, I was. I love them so much, but I was so jealous of them, in that moment. Today, the jealousy has faded. I am so happy that things went smoothly for them, and they have a healthy baby girl at home now, who they can watch grow up, learn to crawl, learn to laugh, watch them make funny faces the first time they try new foods, watch Lilia learn how to be a big sister, and help those sisters develop a strong bond. I can't wait to hold her, and take pictures of her, and be there to watch her grow up in this family.

While this happiness for them is prominent, there is still that lingering sadness inside. I am afraid it will always be there. Just waiting for the next unexpected moment to bring it out. I hope, with time, those unexpected moments will go a little more smooth, and there will be less frantic cleaning to mask how much I'm hurting.

Right now, I am doing ok. Right now, I am learning so much, still. I am so appreciative of the 5 beautiful children that I have, and am loving watching 4 of them grow and learn and be the crazy, silly spirits that they are. I am loving my husband so much more, and I am learning how to let him into my head. (I have realized, recently, that I don't talk to him, much, about any of these emotions, or how things effect me. He is also one of those people that I assume, doesn't want to hear about it anymore.) I am loving the few friends, that I have left, that have been on this, almost 2 year, journey with me. I am loving the beautiful home that we are in. I am loving the new addition to our family (we just got a new dog yesterday), and helping him feel part of the family. I never want anyone to feel like my life is doom and gloom, and that's all I see. What I want people to see is that my life is wonderful, and I am richly blessed, even more than I feel I am deserving of, but it is a struggle to always see that happiness.

Next Sunday is General Conference. Lately, the people who have taught in church, keep saying to watch General Conference with a purpose. Like, attending the temple, we should have a prayer in our hearts, a desire for an answer or a desire for some guidance. This time around, I am going to watch conference, with a desire to find some peace. I want to feel like the battle between my happiness and my sadness isn't as much of a struggle as it has become. I want happiness to be easy, not work. I feel like I don't share with people how hard it is for me, and how much pain I am in every moment of every day, and how much I have to talk myself into living life, instead of standing still. Moving forward, just taking those steps, feels like I have 30 cinder blocks tied to each of my feet, and I'm trying as hard as I can shuffle my feet forward. I want to know how I can just be happy. I am not naive to the fact that I will have sad moments, and still have those reminders, but I want to still find that peace in each moment, where I know my Heavenly Father is holding me, and helping me through it all. I want to feel strong again. I know He is with me always, but sometimes, the pain and sadness is so strong, that I forget to realize that, and let him have some of it to carry for me. I know, without a doubt, I will find my answer.

This week, I have learned that there will always be unexpected challenges, but with time, and with faith, I will be able to handle those things with more grace, more peace, and more happiness. Right now, I am grateful for those experiences, because I know I am just becoming better because of them, as long as I just dive in, experience the hard stuff, and learn from those times. How can we learn if we continually stand still, or run away from anything that might be hard? Because of the difficult things that I have encountered, I have learned forgiveness, true forgiveness, of myself, for even things I know I didn't cause, and for others. I have learned how to talk to my Heavenly Father, and know that he is always listening. I have learned more about a daughter that I have never met. I have learned how to talk to my husband, and know that he truly wants to hear me. I have learned that people want to help everyone, but they just don't know how. I have learned that the best way to help someone is to just show up, even if they say they don't need you. Just be there, always. In any way you can, whether it is a text, phone call, lunch, vacation, whatever. Just let someone know they are a thought of yours.

I know I chose a harder path, but I know its the one that, in the end, is the one that is right. I wouldn't change any part of it.