For Ellie

It's been a long time since I have written. There's been a lot that has gone on that I won't get into, as it is difficult, and I have learned to keep a lot private now days......you're welcome. ;-) But, I feel it is fitting to write the next 2 days, as tomorrow is my beautiful little Eleanor's 2nd birthday, and one of the most life changing moments I have had.

Picture taken by our amazing friend Scott Roeben. It was the best gift he could've ever given us.

Leading up to her birthday, I have had mixed emotions. I wasn't sure if I just wanted to lay in bed, become a recluse for the day, and let it pass me by, or have a big to-do at her grave, or just a family thing? Do we release balloons, have cupcakes, write letters......what? Last year, we tried to have cupcakes and bring her a balloon and stuffed animal, but it was so cold, windy and rainy (much like the day of her service), that we had to cut it short and go. That hurt a lot. This year, I really just want to let it pass me by, but I know that I will regret it.

Today, when I woke up, instantly, I started thinking back to everything I was doing the day before I went to the hospital and found out that she was no longer alive. That day, I woke up, got myself all ready for the day (looking pretty cute too!) and met my SIL at the store to help her with her baby registry, as she was just due a month after me, with a little girl too! We spent, 2 hours, if not more, waddling around that giant store, as I blabbed and blabbed about all of the things she will need and won't need, and all of the things I had learned with my 3, almost 4, kids. As soon as I left there, I went to my mothers house for a "surprise" baby shower. We had so much fun celebrating our new little bundle. Sarah came with me, and got to help open all of the presents for her little sister. She sat there, almost as excited as I was, just day dreaming of how all of the cute little outfits, headbands, and shoes would look on her baby sister, and how she would get to pick out all of her outfits. She couldn't wait! During the day, I had noticed that she wasn't moving as much as normal, but I didn't think much about it, as I was 37 weeks pregnant, to the day, and she's much bigger now, and not as much room to maneuver around.

The day of the shower

Later, that night, I got home, and Allan helped me get all of the gifts out of the car, and brought up to her room. Where, I noticed, that while we had a crib for her, I needed a new crib mattress. So after the kids got in bed, and Allan had JUST relaxed, I dropped the bomb on him that I needed that crib mattress TONIGHT. So, like a champ, and the amazing husband he is, he got back up, got dressed and went to Walmart, at almost 10p at night. While Allan was at Walmart, I noticed that she wasn't moving still. So, I still tried not to panic, and got some candy, juice, crackers, anything I could come up with. I drank water, and laid on my side. By the time Allan had gotten home, I was poking and pushing on my belly pretty good, and she still wasn't moving. That is when Allan convinced me to go into the hospital, and get her checked out. He kept assuring me that she is probably fine, but he would feel better if I went. I was really worried, but I kept thinking she would start moving as soon as I got there, and there would be no worries, and I would've just kept us up for nothing.

Sarah showing up her sisters "Little Sister" shirt. It was her favorite gift Ellie got.

That is the day that everything changed. That is the day that my life changed. That is the last day that my family's lives would remain innocent, and excited, never feeling caution about being excited or happy. That is the day that my 5 year old learned that, no matter what, nothing is guaranteed, and bad things happen to good people, like her, and her family, that you can't explain. That is the day that my children learned that babies can die. That is the day that I became less happy, less excited, more scared, more reserved and more guarded. That is the day that I learned to truly pray, and I learned that God does answer right away, in a booming voice sometimes. That is the day that sadness, constant sadness, entered my life. But, that is also the day that I really learned how amazing it is that I had the 3 healthy, beautiful, smart children that I was able to have, and I really REALLY appreciated being able to have children, and raise them, and watch them grow, and teach them. It's an amazing privilege, and I DO NOT take it lightly, or take it for granted, like I did before. It is a miracle that I have the children that I do.

That day is also the day that I learned how really amazing my husband is, and how much he was made just to be my partner, in this life. I learned what kind of people we are, and what we are made of, and how strong we are, together. I also learned how amazing and lucky we are to have all of these amazing friends around us, ready to just jump in, at a moments notice, and do the most uncomfortable things, just to give us some ease and peace. And my family.........nothing can be said about my family, Allan's or mine, that would adequately express all of the love, compassion, patience and help that they have been to me and my family.

It's not ok. It's still not ok. I have realized that it will never be ok. I have also realized that time does not heal all wounds. But hopefully, with time, and help, time will help me learn to cope better. I miss my Eleanor. I miss the hope that we had for her. I miss the day dreams of my Sarah, thinking of all of the things she was going to teach her and show her. I miss feeling her move inside of me. I miss her chubby cheeks, her curly hair, her sweet mouth and the hope that she would look similar to her mother. I miss holding her little tiny baby body in my arms, and snuggling her. I cannot wait to do that again. For now, I hold even tighter to the 4 children that I have on this earth to raise, and appreciate all of the things that they bring to my life. I appreciate all of the things that she has taught my husband and I, in those few hours we got to hold her in our arms, and afterwards, through the spirit. I appreciate all of the old friends, that supported us, and loved us, and continue to do so, during this time. I also, appreciate all of the new friends that have come into our lives because of this tragedy.

While it is not a replacement, I wish so desperately, she was here, I am grateful for all of those things. And for now, that will have to carry me, until I can become myself again.