Grandpa....

About a week and a half ago, while at my mothers house for dinner, she pulled me aside and let me know that my grandfather, her dad, had been having some medical issues, that everyone is starting to get more worried about. She had told me that he has been really sluggish, out of breath easy, his appetite has gone down and has lost a lot of weight in the last few months. I asked her if she thought it was cancer, and she said they aren't sure, but that's what she was thinking. She said they were taking grandpa into the hospital, and she was waiting to hear back from the doctor, to see when she needed to fly out to Colorado, where he lives. I was concerned, but she didn't portray any sense of urgency to me, that I needed to worry just yet.

A few days went by, and I found out that my mom flew out to Colorado, right after work. I called her, and she told me that the doctor told her that they did a biopsy on the tumor they removed from his bladder, and it was cancerous. She then said, his one kidney is non functional, and the other one isn't functioning great. She said he is in renal failure, and has pneumonia, along with his emphysema. She said he isn't doing well, is short of breath and has lost his appetite. She then said, "It's terminal". I was standing in my closet when she told me, and was leaning on the wall. I slid down the wall, and sat down on the floor, and just started to sob. She said that if I wanted to come out, I could, but with me being sick (I've had a great respiratory infection forever now.), and Allan's schedule, if I couldn't, it would be alright. It was NOT alright with me. When something is wrong, like this, no matter what is going on, our family comes running. I thought about it for the day, and decided that I am better help to my mom, staying here, and helping with her kids. But it was devastating to me. I wanted to be with my grandpa. I wanted to snuggle him one more time. I wanted to feel his hands, one more time. I wanted to hear his laugh, see his eyes, and talk to him, just one more time. I just wanted my grandpa.

I decided to compromise with myself. I thought about what I would want, and I thought about everyone who is already around him, loving him, and comforting him, here on earth and in heaven. I called up my mom, and I asked her, talking through the tears, "If I write grandpa a letter, and email it to you......would you read it to him for me?" My mom was more than willing to do that for me. She knew my heart was breaking, that I couldn't be there, and was losing such an important person to me. 

A night went by, and my mom called me and said that grandpa would probably pass that evening, or the following day. I immediately got panicked. I hadn't written my letter to him yet! He wouldn't know how I felt! He wouldn't know what he's done for me! He wouldn't know how important he is to me! So, that night, before starting my school work, I sat down at my computer, and through heavy tears, I wrote him a letter. I sent it off to my mom around midnight, on June 20, 2013. She sent me a text, later on, and said that she read it to him and is very sure that he heard it. I was so relieved.

I am going to share the letter, because I feel it is important to me. This blog is personal, yet shared publicly. But, I want to print out this blog and have it for my family, and myself, and future generations, so they can know me. So, here's the letter: 

June 20, 2013

Dear Grandpa-

I know that you’re sick, and that it’s going to be a while before I get to see you again, so I wanted write you this letter and tell you a few things.

I really feel terrible that I can’t be there with you, during this time. I feel like 80% of my childhood memories involve you and grandma. You guys were like another set of parents for me.  The best set of second parents.

I’m not sure you are aware of the impact that you and grandma have had on my life. When I needed someone the most, and when I needed to be able to count on someone, you guys were always there. When I was feeling down about myself, you especially, were always the first ones to tell me how beautiful I was, how proud you were of me, and how much you loved me. There are a few moments in my life that have made a huge impact on me. I wanted to tell you about them.

I remember when I was about 10, and you guys lived in an apartment, maybe in Henderson. I can’t remember really. I remember grandma burned dinner, and Cassie and I didn’t want to eat it, and Grandma was so mad, and frustrated at the outcome of her hard work. You guys started yelling at each other. Finally, everyone sat down, and no one was talking to each other.  You just sat patiently, and quietly, eating the food, never complaining, and eating it just as fast as you would if it was cooked to perfection. I asked you later, in my typical sarcastic tone, “Why did you eat that?!” You said, “because she made it for me, so I better eat it.” Another time, we were sitting around the dinner table, playing cards, and listening to the radio. You were always humming along, and looking at me and singing to me. One particular song came on, a Garth Brooks song, and you quietly put your cards down, put grandmas cards down, and took her hand, both of you stood up, held each other close and started dancing around the room, while you sang to her. I looked back on those times, and many more, so much as I got older, and my own parents marriage was falling apart. One night, I was crying to grandma, about marriage, and how marriage doesn’t matter anymore, and my own pitty party. I asked grandma why you guys were able to stay married for so long, bickering as much as you do, and no one else seems to be able to do it, and make it last. You knew I was truly struggling with it. You stood me up, hugged me tight, and said, “Sometimes it just doesn't work out. But sometimes, you find that person that you can’t wait to fight with.” That didn’t make sense to me, until  my first year of marriage. It makes sense now. One of the most important lessons I have learned from you is, it doesn’t matter what your marriage looks like to anyone else, it only matters what you and your spouse think. You may bicker, and fight, and sleep in separate rooms once in awhile, but you wouldn’t want to fight with anyone else, so you always come back together........and dance around the room to a Garth Brooks song.

Another thing that you showed me is what kind of person I am, and what kind of person that I want to become. You used to always welcome all kinds of people to stay with you. You used to always say, “we are short on beds, but we have lots of blankets and lots of floors.” I asked you once why you allowed so many people to stay in your small apartment. You told me, “Because that’s what we’re supposed to do. We are supposed to help EVERYONE, no matter what.” I can tell you that have instilled that in your own daughter, and even more so, in me. Your generosity, and constant willingness to help has caused me to want to always be just like you, and never question why they need the help, or what they are going to do with the help. It doesn’t matter any of those things, we are just supposed to help.

One more thing you taught me was that no matter how old you are, you are never too old for an adventure, and that things aren’t as scary as it looks. You and I went all over this city, walking,  riding busses, taking cabs. We didn’t care. You wanted to see something, or go somewhere, you would save it for when I got there, and we would get up early and go, not coming home until almost dinner time. I loved that we always had our secret slurpee stops, that grandma could never know about.

You were never short on compliments towards me. Every time you saw me, even the last time you saw me, when you got to hold my newborn son, Elliott. You hugged me as I was leaving, and told me the same thing that you have told me, since I can remember. You hugged me tight, and told me, “I love you so much, baby girl. Do you know how proud I am of you? You are a wonderful young lady.” Sometimes, when you would tell me that, you knew I didn’t believe you, but you gave me that look. You know, the disapproving one you used to do, where you would raise your eyebrows, tilt your head down and look over the frames of your glasses? You made sure I understood that you meant it, and I better know it. I do know it. Thank you for always making me know it.

One of my favorite memories is your silk shirt. Do you remember it? Since I was tiny little, even if mom packed me pajamas, I always wanted to wear your silk undershirt. Even as I got bigger, and you had gotten rid of clothes, grandma saved that shirt for me, because it was mine! Even when I was about 14, and would stay at your house, I still had to wear that silk undershirt of yours. You know, right now, I wish I was sitting here, writing this letter to you, wearing your silk undershirt. It may sounds silly to anyone else, but to you and me and grandma, we know exactly what shirt I am talking about, and that it was my security blanket at your house. I really need my security blanket right now.

Grandpa, I know it’ll be a long time before I get to see you again, but I wanted to tell you.....I’m going to miss you. I will miss your smell. I will miss my head hitting your collar bone as you pull me in closer for a tight hug. I will miss the feel of the scruff on your face rub my cheek as you kiss me, after telling me you love me. I will miss feeling your hands on mine, and how they were always rough, and calloused, with the years of hard work taking care of your family, and everyone else around you. I will miss your singing, and your dancing. I will miss your voice. I will miss the plaid shirts that you always wore. I will miss our talks, and our adventures.

Thank you for teaching me what kind of man that I deserve to be married to, because I have him. Thank you for teaching me kindness, and charity, and service. Thank you for being another parent for me when I really needed it. Thank you for always being there for me. Thank you for playing with me, for laughing with me, never excluding me, and always making me feel beautiful, smart, special, safe and needed while I was with you. Besides my father and step father, you  are the best man I know. And I don’t want to let you go.

Grandpa, I love you so much. You have changed the course of my life, just by your example, and your spirit, and your encouragement. Thank you for helping to make me into the woman, wife and mother that I am today, although still a work in progress. I can’t wait to see you again, and have more adventures. Please take care of my Eleanor for me. Please know that I am so proud to be your granddaughter. I hope I have made you proud.

Til we meet again.

I love you!

Laurie

The following day, on June 21, 2013, around 1:45p, my mom called me and said that my grandpa had passed away. She said everyone was around him, and it was quiet and peaceful. I am so glad that my grandpa is with his wife again, and they can be healthy, bicker all they want, laugh, and dance around the room together. I miss them so much. They helped make me who I am. I am so glad that they get to be grandparents to my baby girl, Ellie, and be with her, until my work is done here, and I can be with her again.

I found some pictures, of my grandparents, from my own stuff, and also from my cousins, who have been sharing them on Facebook:

Grandpa and Grandma (Robert and Barbara Lannigan) on their wedding day

Grandma and Grandpa on their 50th Anniversary

Grandpa and Grandma, and their 4 kids: Bobby, Ray, Deb (my mom), and Bill

Mom and Grandpa dancing at the 50th Anniversary Party

Grandpa, a few days before he passed away, snuggling his dog. They allowed his dog to come in and stay with him.
I was so happy to hear that news.

I am so proud to be his Granddaughter, and hope that I have made him proud of me. Rest in peace, Grandpa. I will miss you, and can't wait to see you again.