When Fear Takes Control

fear  

/fi(ə)r/

Noun An unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

Verb Be afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening: "farmers fear that they will lose business".

Synonyms noun.   dread - fright - apprehension - funk - awe - alarm verb.   be afraid - dread - apprehend - funk - be afraid of Over the last 6 months, I have been trying to venture out, and try new things, try to experience things in a different way, try to find new things that make me happy, and try to find my belief in myself again. However, as I've been doing that, I have found things that I absolutely love, I have found a passion again, another creative outlet, that I can do service for others with. But, I feel paralyzed. I feel like I'm trying to wade in a large pool of thick, hardening mud. I'm scared. I know I've spoken often of my friend Scott, and the sacrifice of his sanity, to come to the hospital, and take pictures right after Eleanor was born. He is the definition of a true friend, and he showed it in that moment and many others before, and after. Months after having Ellie, and learning I was again pregnant with Elliott, I started becoming more interested in photography. I've always known how important it was to me to document memories, and tell the story of those photographs for my children, and future generations. But, when I looked at the photographs of the night I gave birth to my angel girl, I learned really where my heart was at, and what an amazing thing he did for my healing, and my soul. I came up with this idea of, later on, I wanted to start taking classes, and really work on reaching the goal of being able to do exactly what Scott did for our family. He gave us our daughter to look at, always. He gave us the sweetest memories. I didn't plan on doing any of that for years, just because I didn't feel it was the right time, with having all of the kids so small, and needing me, and I didn't feel it was good for my own sanity just yet. However, as time went on, and I kept getting placed in the paths of some amazing, talented and kind photographers, my intentions went from thoughts of the future, to a strong desire to do this now, and actively working on it. I was so excited, because I felt, I had the potential to be where I wanted to be, and do what I wanted to do, and I was LOVING it. It was another therapy for me. I felt alive again. Just before Christmas, around Thanksgiving, I started getting asked to photograph friends' families, and then friends of their friends, baby showers, and then some weddings, and so on. I didn't tell anyone, except my husband, but it was excruciatingly nerve wracking to do these things for these people. I value my own photographs, every one of them so much, and I was so fearful that I wouldn't do a good enough job, and they would hate it. The first family session I was asked to do was actually a dear friend of mine. Her husband had been diagnosed with Cancer, and he was getting sicker and sicker. At that point, they weren't sure which way he was going to go, and it was scary for their family, no doubt. Just before Thanksgiving, I believe, his sweet wife came to me and said that all of her kids were going to be in town, along with her first, and only grandchild, at that time. She wanted to know if I would be willing to take some family pictures of them. I was moved. What a special time for them, and they wanted me to document it for them, before he started chemo therapy. I was so scared that I wouldn't do a good enough job for them. I didn't feel I knew what I was doing! But, I did it, and it was my first, and most special session I've ever done. The pictures weren't perfect, but it didn't seem to matter. I had done exactly what they wanted me to. I love this family so much, I can't explain it. I have gone on to photograph a few other things for them, and every time means so much to me.  As time went on, and I was asked to do more things, you'd think I would've gotten more comfortable, and more confident in myself and my abilities......but quite the opposite was happening. The more I learned, the more I grew, the less confident I became. I wasn't leaving the house, out of fear. I wasn't talking to any friends, and starting to distance myself from even family. I had just been diagnosed with depression, put on some anti-depressants, seeing a therapist, and trying to fix myself in that area, thinking that would solve the problem. However, therapy didn't work out for various reasons, and over time, after not seeing the therapist, I also stopped taking the meds.  But, I really loved this, and I wanted to try to figure out why I was so scared, and had this lack of confidence in myself, in this area. So, finally, I decided to take matters into my own hands and register for a class through the local college. The day before the class started, I was a basket case. I was nervous, my stomach was in knots, I was crying off and on through out the day. I was a disaster. And I learned, that day, I'm scared to fail. I am scared that that person who is teaching the class, who does this for a living, who I am trusting to teach me, and critique my work that I love so much, will tell me that I am NOT good at this, and I will stop. I was afraid to fail at something that I love so much, and learn that I stink at it. So, every week, every assignment, I put everything I had into it. I cried before every due date, and was biting my nails with nervousness, clicking the submit button, as I sent my photo's into him. When I would get my grade back, and it wasn't 100%, but an 85% or a 90%, it was devastating. I should be happy with those grades, and the feedback he gave me........but not having a 100%, meant failure to me, instead of what it should have meant of, "You did a good job! Here is some advice for next time, and some critique to improve your work." I hated that I took his feedback in the way of failure.  The class isn't over yet, and as it continues, I notice myself wanting to walk away from it and quit. I'm still scared. My first instinct now, is to shut down. Cut everyone, and everything off, and be a recluse again. But, I had to push myself. Every submission is full of anxiety. And, to be honest, I'm not sure if I AM doing a good job. I'm not sure if I'm getting it. My friend asked me the other day, "Do you like your class? Are you having fun?!" I lied. I said I did, and I was. Instead, it's stressful for me. I want to push myself to finish, and to learn and grow, and prove to myself, and my confidence, that I can do this, that I am good enough, and that I don't need to fear failure. But, it's a daily battle. A few weeks ago, at Scott's birthday party, I met another photographer. Scott introduced me to him, and we sat and chatted. I learned that this man does exactly what I want to do. I was so excited! He volunteers for an organization called, "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep", where hospitals call a list of photographers to come in and photograph families, and their angel babies (That's it in a very tiny nutshell. It's an amazing organization.). I had heard of this organization, and looked into it, but at the time I was SO not ready. I told him that I wanted to do what he's doing. I explained why, by telling him what Scott did for us, and I wanted to do that for others. It was a funny connection because he told me that Scott called him asking him for advice on Scotts way down to the hospital to shoot our little angel girl. This man has been involved with our family from that moment, and I never knew it. He heard my story, and my reasons, and said he wanted to help me. I was blown away. I had just met this man, and in 2 hours of talking to him, he is wanting to help me by teaching me what I will need to do and know, in order for me to do what I want to do, and more! Allan and I walked out of the bar, leaving the party, and I was numb with fear. I didn't want to let this man down now too, and embarrass Scott, and embarrass myself. I, again, was doubting myself, and had no confidence in what I was doing. And, I couldn't figure out why he would ever want to help me! I did get the nerve up to finally contact him, and every email is very difficult for me. I don't know if I can do this, but I have to try. The sane part of my brain knows that I will only fail if I don't try. I will only fail if I run away. I cannot fail. I can only learn. And I need to push myself. I don't think I can adequately express to anyone how hard this is. It sounds very silly and trivial to others, I'm sure. But, to me, it's paralyzing. It's all consuming. The anxiety that takes hold is unbearable sometimes. People tell me, "You just need to let go, and have more confidence in yourself". Like it's as easy as making a sandwich, or getting a glass of water. For some reason, it's not for me. I feel like I'm drowning in fear. The only way I will get out of the depths of fear is, in the words of Dory, "just keep swimming" (Yes, that was my cheesy moment. You're welcome.). I know why I am having this problem. In a nutshell, I feel like I had the ultimate failure, because my failure cost my daughter her life. My body failed to protect her. My body failed to do it's job. I failed. That's a hard thing to just "get over" and reconcile in your mind. That's a hard thing to just forgive yourself for. It doesn't "just" happen. I am grateful for all of the opportunities that have been placed in front of me. I cannot make the fear go away. I cannot make the anxiety go away. I cannot snap my fingers and give myself confidence. But, I cannot make myself better, smarter, calmer and build my confidence by doing nothing, and letting the fear control me and my life. I am going to be disappointed with myself, and I need to learn to be okay with that. I am going to fall flat on my face sometimes, and I need to learn how to get back up, dust myself off, and say, "Okay. Let's do it again, but this time, better." I need to be patient with myself, and allow myself to stumble, but be strong enough to pick myself up by the bootstraps and keep going. I know I can do it. I'm excited to see where I go. None of this was in my plans right now. But, maybe this is exactly the right time. Who knows?! But I can't let fear control me, and make me pass these moments by. So here goes nothin.......