Recently, I have had familiar feelings of depression, from before I started seeing a therapist. They are terribly dark, and even sometimes scary feelings. The last few days, I have felt this impression of, if I don't fight, this experience will be for nothing. I've said it before, I don't want to waste any opportunity that my Father in Heaven places in front of me, for learning and growth. I want it to mean something. I want it to be bigger. Today, while watching a show, I was stopped. I actually had to turn the TV off because my thoughts were just so loud and all consuming. I have had a lot of questions regarding both of my daughters, for 2 1/2 years now, and I know I won't get those questions answered until I've passed, and get to ask my Ellie-Bean. But, I use this blog as a form of therapy for myself. The thought is that if I write it down, it'll get out of my head, while also giving others a way to know what's going on in my head. But, mostly for therapy. So, I decided I would write my youngest daughter a letter, and hope that one day, somehow, she will hear it. So, here goes:
My dear little Eleanor:
It's been 2 1/2 years since we lost your little spirit. It's been a really difficult 2 1/2 years. I have missed you every day. Have you missed me? Or are you kept so busy with work that you are doing, that that feeling isn't as strong for you? You must know so much more than me, about our Father's plan, so I can imagine that you must just roll your eyes at this grief that I carry around.
I just wanted to tell you that I love you so very much. I wanted you to know that I did see you, in my prayers. I wanted you to know that I did feel you, and hear you. I wanted you to know that I love that you look like me. I know I get hung up on that little fact, and it's silly. But it makes me feel so good to know that I will recognize my lovely angel girl when I come to meet you eventually, because she will look like her mommy. Please know that I feel you often, and I feel your happiness, your quiet spirit, and your love in different moments of my day. I love that you come peek in on us.
Did you know that I had another baby after you? Actually, I had lost another baby after you, and then I did have another baby, a brother. I've always wondered if when I have miscarriages, are those babies there too? Do I get to raise those babies too? I wish so desperately that I understood that more. That baby that we had after you, we named him Elliott, after you. His personality is a good mixture of all of his siblings. Something that I think he got from you is, pure love and sweetness. He wants to just always show love to everyone. He wants to make everyone happy. I wanted you to know that there are a lot of moments, since the moment he was born, when I am rocking him, snuggling him, playing with him, doing any mommy thing with him, that I am thinking of you. Do you know that sometimes, in quiet moments, when I am kissing his chubby cheeks, that I am kissing yours? Do you know that sometimes, when he lays his head on my shoulder, and snuggles me, that I am snuggling you? Do you know that when he is walking beside me, and grabs my hand, for a moment, I am holding your hand? I love that little boy so much. He constantly reminds me to love again. I know you must have met him before he came. Thank you for being his big sister, and watching over him until he got to me.
I want you to know that your big sister, Sarah, gosh, she hurts just as much as I do. She misses you so much. She imagines playing with you, dressing you up, and snuggling you while watching movies. She likes to imagine what your favorite colors are, and what it would be like to read books to you. She loves to point out dresses that she "knows" you would love, and look so beautiful in. I love that she remembers. It hurts me that she hurts. But I love that she remembers, and always tries to include you in her memories, even though she can't see you. Do you know she prays for you and your safety all of the time? At least three times a week, because she is worried about you. She prays that someone in Heaven is snuggling you at night, and tucking you in, and giving you butterfly kisses, because that's what she gets from mommy. Does anyone do those things? Do you know that she is going to be baptized next month? She asked me the other day if I thought you would be there. Will you be there? Will you be kneeling down with all of the other little kids, in front of the glass, in front of the baptismal font, watching your big sister get baptized? She wants you there so badly.
My sweet daughter. You really have been born into an amazing family. We wish we could share our adventures with you. We wish we could share our laughter with you. We wish we knew your favorite foods, your favorite color, what you found funny, your favorite books and what you love. Please always know that we love you so much, and are always grateful that Heavenly Father blessed us with a beautiful, amazing, choice daughter. We are so proud you, and all of the work that you are doing.
Please know that I love you, snuggle you, and kiss you every night. I know that it must be hard, sad and even frustrating to watch your mommy feel such sadness. Please know that I have really really good people around me, some amazing friends and family, around me, to help me become a better me. Please know that I am working hard to make sure that I am able to return to you, and be with you. I am working hard to honor my covenants that I made in the temple, so that I can be with you again. I promise you that I will be with you, and all of my children again. I will not give up. I know you are with me often, I can feel you. Please continue to be with me. Please continue to be with your brothers and your sister, especially. Be with them on their first day of school, their baptisms, their proms, their wedding days, when they're sick, and when they are just playing together. You know that pictures are so important to me, especially family pictures. Please always be in our family pictures in some way. Be a part of our family in our home. We need you, and we miss you.
Just like your sister and your brothers, you are a beautiful child, born into a wonderful family. We are a special family. I am so proud to be your mother. I know you are doing amazing things, that I can't even comprehend. And I know that you are proud to be my daughter, and are always helping to guide me to do good for others, just as you are doing right now.
Sweet Ellie-Bean. I love you so much. I wish I could snuggle you again, kiss your chubby cheeks, hold your beautiful hands, stroke your hair, and just love on you one more time. I will some day. I promise.
I love you.
Mommy
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