The Last Few Months of Us

I have had this blog post building up for almost a month now, maybe longer. But, I have 4 children, and a husband, and a Mt. Everest of laundry to do, plus a huge house to clean, and not enough moments in time for just ME time. So, instead of doing laundry, after editing a few photo's, I am going to write this stuff down. If I don't, I guarantee you, in about T-minus 5 minutes, I will forget everything. So, I gotta hurry. Good thing I can type fast!!

First up, photography. Just a quick touch on that subject.......I'm not sure where I'm at with it. I so want to be able to provide that service to others that Scott gave to us. I really want to do remembrance photography. BUT, after taking a class, and not reaching some goals I had set for myself, plus, everything else in my life that is not going the greatest, my confidence is in the negative with it. I have really backed away from it. I need to get back to it. I didn't realize I loved is as much as I did. I look around at different things and am constantly mapping out the picture. Constantly thinking how I would do it. I'm always itching to have a camera in my hands, and annoyed when I don't. Or if I do get to take a shot, I can't wait to get home, and see what else I can do with it! Something that love to shoot are just moments. I don't love posed pictures. I love just sitting in the background and getting someone staring off into the distance, or a random moment in their day. I love trying to tell a story of that moment.......... I'm scared though. I'm overwhelmed by everything else going wrong right now, that I'm scared that I'm doing this wrong too. I will continue, and I want to continue. I just need a lot of pushing, right now, and a lot of borrowed confidence. I will get there.

Next up, marriage. Over the last little while, I have learned one big lesson.......MARRIAGE IS HARD!! There are times, mostly before 10 years of marriage, that you think that it's hard, and that you finally get what everyone was talking about when they said that marriage is work. But, something happens when you get to 10 years, or even within a few months of 10 years. It goes from work that you're happy to do, to just freakin hard, and some days, you just aren't sure you can do it, or want to do it. THAT'S when the true work begins. No one is immune from the 10 year difficulty. For some, it happens at 7 years, and for others, it happens at 12 years. For us, it happened at 9 1/4 years. We really thought that the loss of Ellie was the hard part. What I know now is, that was just the gear up for what was to come. I have to say, though, we have wonderful support, that constantly reminds us that we know that it is worth the work, and to keep going. They keep saying, it'll get better. One of the most important reminders that I have received is from my dearest friend, who said about her tough times, "I made a promise, and I intended to keep my promise." She's right! For me, she is right! It's not always right for everyone's situation. And there are a lot of people that would even throw in the towel at our situation, but I keep repeating to myself, when things get hard, "I made a promise. I intend to keep my promise." I think that's the reason why they put in the vows, "In sickness and in health. In good times, and in bad........" Yup. I promised. So, that will be the end of writing in this post about our marriage. The details are private, and not to be shared. But, it is what's going on in our lives, so there it is. I hate it, and it has added to the depression in a devastating way. But it's there. It'll get better though. I know it will. I know I love my husband more than anything, and I love my family, and would do anything for them. I know that if I step back from the drama, for a moment, and gain some sort of clarity, that.......it's worth all of this work, heart ache, stress, and anything else that comes along with it. I know that it's just this moment, and that it will pass, and we will learn, grow and become better because of it. I know that it is all worth it. So, we keep going.

As far as the depression, it's been pretty rocky, to say the least. Lately, it has been simply terrifying. But, if you understood the mountain of changes, heart ache, and trials, then you would understand why the depression has been a difficult thing to deal with. Depression is a butt! Let me tell you! You think you're doing great, and then life hands you a reality check, at the first sign of trouble. It's just fantastic......I hate it.

On a lighter note, Sarah is almost 8 years old!! She is getting so big! She is so excited to be baptized. I try really hard to make sure she knows that it's purely her choice to be baptized into our church, or not. I used to be skeptical that kids could make that large choice at such a young age, but she has been so amazing, so inspiring, and made me so proud. Everytime I ask her if she is sure she wants to be baptized, and I grill her about why (I grill her because I never want her to say, "because then you and daddy will be proud of me. I want her to do it because she believes it's true.), she perks up, smiles, and bares her testimony to me, proudly and without hesitation. It takes me back every time.

You know, I used to be afraid that the loss of Ellie would effect her negatively, and it has in some areas, but I really think that the loss of her baby sister made her grow up, and mature, in that area, so much more than other kids her age. She understands a bit more about Heaven, and her Father in Heaven, than most adults. She has lots of questions, and I love her questions. They are pure, innocent, and conjured up with deep thought and consideration of what she knows to be true. Sure, she still asks the normal 8 year old stuff, like, "Mom. Do you think there is cotton candy in Heaven?", "Do you think that God is really spitting on us when it rains?" (Yea, that was mom trying to be funny, when asked why it rains. Sorry!), "Mom, if you hate bugs, then it's not really Heaven if you have to live with bugs, right?" (The last is my personal favorite. I told her that she is right! HA!) She is an amazing girl. I can't wait to see how she grows in the gospel, and what effect she will have on her family.

Now, on to vacations! (There will be pictures to follow, on later blog posts. Sorry!!) A few weeks ago, Allan invited me to go on one of his work trips with him, to Salt Lake City. Really, I have only been there one time, that I can remember, and that was a year before Allan and I were married, I think. This trip was pretty good! There was a tiny snafu on the way up there. The plane ride made me sick. I have really bad motion sickness, and I swear it has gotten worse with age. I don't know if that's possible, but I say it is, cause it's happening to me! Once we got there, Allan was off and running, working, and I layed in the hotel room reading a book (I totally finished a whole book!! WAHOO!!), hung out with my great friend Amanda her her baby, and wandered around the city. It was really a nice time. I only took a few pictures there, even though I wanted to take more, it just didn't happen. (see earlier paragraph) One of the nights, we got to have dinner with his cute sister, Kelsey, at this little dive Indian place, where Allan, I think, insulted the owner by telling him he should be charging more. The owner then told Allan that he would start with his bill. HA! The next night, Allan and I got to wander around the city, eating at different restaurants, and bakeries. THAT was my idea of a great time! I really loved seeing some of the "off the beaten path" kind of places, rather than the same old things, temple square. However, we did visit temple square. HA! You just have to! It's like a Utah law, that when you visit Salt Lake, Mormon or not, you have to visit temple square.

I really feel like I could've used just one more day of Salt Lake, before coming back home. One more day, and I would've been good for another long time of not going back. We had fun, and it was some much needed alone time for us.

Next up, Disneyland! (Pictures of this are also coming on a later blog post) We were supposed to be going to Oregon this last week, but things happened, and plans changed, and we ended up going to Disneyland instead. I was not happy to be going, because I really wanted to get to Oregon to see my family, and show my kids and my husband Oregon! The majority of my Oregon family haven't met my husband, or my children, so it was really important to me. I am hoping that Spring Break will be the magic time for that. Keeping our fingers crossed!

So, back to Disneyland. Just 2 days after returning from Salt Lake, we drove to California. The trick with this trip was that the kids didn't know we were planning on going to Disneyland. They thought we were only going to see grandpa's boat (My dads boat), and to sail around on it. So, we let them think that. We drove straight to the docks to meet my dad, who had driven all the way up from Vegas, just for this little cover story. Also, I think he was really excited to take us out, since we've never been on it, and only really seen the under side of it when it was here in town. The boat is beautiful! We had so much fun putzing around the harbor. The kids got to see giant boats that carried cars, crates and all kinds of other things. They got to see a giant battle ship, although, that was Allan's favorite thing to see, I think. HA! They got to drive grandpa's sailboat, lay out on the bow of the boat with mom, see a TON of sea lions hanging around, and even see some dolphins that we later found out, had been following us the whole few hours we were out! HA!

Some of my favorite times were watching Taylor and my dad interact. Taylor really wanted to drive the boat. Finally, he got the courage up to ask if he could drive it, and be the captain. Dad handed him the reigns and let him go. After drivng the sailboat for a minute, he yelled to my dad, "Can I be the captain now?!" My dad told him, "Yes, you are the captain now." And then, I watched Taylor sit up much straighter than before, grip the handle, and change his face to a very serious, working captain face. HA! He asked my dad about 10 times through out the trip, if he was still the captain. My dad always assured him he was the captain. However, my dad got to be co-captain.

Another favorite time was laying on the bow of the boat, watching Sarah stand against the side of the boat, on the ropes, in a happy, relaxed, thoughtful moment. I sat up, and asked her, "Sarah, are you ok?" She looked back, and said, "Yea." She then came back and layed next to me. She said, as she often does, "I wish Ellie were here, mom." And I said, "Oh honey, she is watching us, and she might be here with us." Sarah said, "Mom, I think she's here with us all of the time. I just wish I could play with her, and take pictures of her, like you do of us. I like my brothers, but I wish I had a sister here too. I can't wait to be with her again" She always gets a bit teary talking about her sister. Breaks my heart for her.

The next day, we got to Disneyland! We woke up, and just before taking them to breakfast, Allan and I sat them down and told them the plans for the day. See video: Kids finding out they are going to Disneyland. That first day, I got really sick. I ended up going back to the hotel around noon, with Elliottt, to sleep and rest and try to get better before the evening. I did finally return to the park around 7p, feeling a little better. The kids had so much fun! Elliott cried after getting off of every ride, just because he wanted to stay on it, and keep doing it. He loved LOVED the parades and any live action times. On the first day, when he and I came back to the park, there was a marching band performing. We got right in the front, and I took him out of the stroller, and for 45 minutes, that kid DANCED! He was loving it. The band members were loving him, and were dancing with him, and high fiving him. He thought he was hot stuff.

The other kids LOVED Astro Blaster. They did that ride about 4 times. HA! We are a competitive family, so this fed right into that. Daddy read a lot of info on the ride and kept beating us, but mommy was giving him a run of his money, on just pure natural talent and instinct. Dang cheater. (It's my blog, so I can paint the picture any way I want. HA!) The second day, though, I took them on the Tower of Terror.........that may have been a mistake. I had no idea that the hotel was supposed to be haunted! I had no idea about the dang movie in the beginning of the ride, or the fact that the elevator goes up and down about 8 times, in between showing scary scenes of movies! Ugh. I LOVED the ride, minus the scary movies. I hate scary stuff like that. But, I LOVE rides that thrill rides! However, after being so proud of my kids that they did the ride, I look over to see Sarah beaming with joy and excitement, Luke trying not to cry, but failing in an epic way, Taylor totally crying, and me feeling like a jerk that I had so much fun. Mom of the year award goes right over here folks. Luke is still really upset at me for taking him on that ride, and Taylor thinks that every elevator we go on is going to fall and we will die. Great.

On our last night, sitting on the tram, however, I looked over at my sweet girl, and noticed she was sad looking. I didn't think she was sad to leave, because she had been so happy that this was our last day, and we would be going home tomorrow. So, I asked her what was wrong. She said, "I'm just sad to be leaving." I was shocked! I asked why, and she said, very very teary now, "I just had so much fun here with everyone." I assured her that we would come back in a while, and make more memories, happy ones, and it will be wonderful. She just wants happy times with her family, and I love her for it. In the car, on the way out of the parking garage, she remembered Allan telling them that Walt Disney used to live in the apartment above the fire station in the park. She asked where he lives now, and Allan told her that he had died a while back, from old age. She asked us, "Do you think there is a Disneyland in Heaven?" I was kidding, and said, "Well, if Walt Disney was so obsessed about Disneyland here, I bet he made a park in Heaven too!" She then said, "Yea, I bet he did too. I wished Ellie got to go with us here, but I bet she goes to Disneyland in Heaven. I bet she goes on all of the rides with TC, and they have so much fun. I'm glad she gets to go with him." Allan grabbed my hand, and I could hear him trying to cry quietly, as I got teary. I bet she is right.

We ended the trip with going to The Old Spaghetti Factory, for lunch on our way out of town. It is my favorite restaurant. I just love that place.

So, the theme of it all, life is not a constant. And when you think you have it down.......you don't. When you think things can't get any worse, they can. But, even when we are busy, we have to be able to detach from the stress, and listen to what's going on around us. See the moments in our loved ones faces. It's not all bad. Not even a little bit. Instead of trying to capture the moments with my camera, I need to capture the moments in my head, and let those moments carry my happiness, carry my heart, carry my sadness, and just be in those moments. I need those reminders that it's not all bad, it's not all hard. Sometimes, it's pretty darn good. Even in the dark moments, there are pockets of light to hold on to, that bring me strength.