Week 22

I have been working hard for the last few months to get myself caught up with photos that HAD to get done, on top of some things at home that have taken priority. So, I took a minute off from this project to get that done. And, I am done! I got all of that work caught up! So, I can now relax again and do other things that I love. I am actually grateful (although, I'm sure others aren't) that I was behind, because with things being a bit hard at home, being behind and having the need to work on those special photos has allowed my heart to remain soft, and constantly exude love, rather than any bitterness that would like to emerge. Sometimes the stress is really a blessing, and in this case, it was a huge blessing.

For this week, Elliott's photo is up! Since he's 2, and has a hard time expressing what his favorite thing to do with Mommy is, I decided to photograph what my favorite time with him is. Most moms, doing this would say something like, "my favorite time is when they help me cook something", or, "I love snuggling on the couch with them, when it's quiet", or even bath time (not my favorite time, at all!). Here is my favorite time with him:

My favorite time with my little Elliott is when I get to wake him up in the morning, or from a nap. He is so sweet, and quiet, and snuggly. He lays his head on my shoulder when I pick him up, and just forms to me. He is so full of snuggles for about 30 minutes. He is loving, and soft and sweet. He is still my baby in those moments. He isn't this big boy who runs around, trying to be one of the big kids. He isn't a little boy who loves to hit a ball with his bat, or run outside to play basketball. He isn't my little boy that we constantly talk about moving to a big boy bed, or start potty training him. He is my little sweet baby boy who loves his mommy and won't let go of me.

Elliott is such a sweet guy. He is what some people would call my "rainbow baby", although I don't like that term. A rainbow baby is a baby born after a stillborn or miscarriage. I had Elliott one year, and three days after I gave birth to my angel girl, Eleanor. Elliott was named after his big sister. My boy was brought into this world with lots of fear, anxiety and stress in his family, but as we got to the hospital, all of that melted away. I gave birth to him surrounded by the same nurse, same doctor and at the same place that I lost his big sister. The only difference is, I laughed him out. I didn't push. I just laughed. That room was filled with so much joy, and love for this little person who was coming into this family that had felt so much heart ache.

Instead of getting that photo I wanted of him with my sweet friend, and Nurse, Tammy....she took the camera and took photos for us. HA! It's kind of the same thing, and we are so grateful for her doing that for us!

 When Elliott was born, he had a hard time breathing, and needed to be taken to the NICU for a little bit of help and monitoring. Most mothers would be worried and stress filled. But not this one! I knew that he was in one of the best places in the valley, and I completely trusted everyone in that building to do their jobs, and he would be just fine. I completely trusted in my Heavenly Father, that he would keep my last boy safe, and he would be fine. All of that trust left me feeling at ease, and at peace. I didn't feel the need to go and be with him. I didn't feel anxiety over it. I knew he would be fine. I had faith that he would be.

I remember when they brought him into my room, the next morning, and I got to hold him for the first time (I got to hold him for a minute after he was born, but they had to take him quickly to get some help), without worry, and it was the sweetest moment of my life. It was the first time since losing Ellie that I felt proud of myself. It was the first time that I felt happiness, and joy, and love, and a lightness that I hadn't felt in a long time. He was my happiness. I was in love.

My next moment of happiness was when I saw this sweet sight:

This is when Sarah got to hold him for the first time. Sarah has been through the ringer, right along with me. She wanted a little sister so badly, and couldn't understand why she couldn't have one. She still wants one, but she loves Elliott so much, and gets to dote on him, as much as he will allow her to, and be the big sister she wanted to be for Eleanor. It was a beautiful moment seeing my little girl get almost everything she wanted, and just be happy.

All of my children are amazing, beautiful children, and I cherish each one of them. But, Elliott is a bit different. He is a symbol of beauty emerging out of hard things. He is a symbol of happiness coming out of sadness. He is my happiness coming back in one moment. He reminds me to appreciate everything......even the hard things. He reminds me that it doesn't have to be bad, it can be turned into something good. I am grateful to have had the opportunity, and honor, of bringing this sweet little spirit into the world, and having him be part of our family. I can't wait to see him grow up, and how he fits even more into our family.