For this week I chose to do something different, to include Ellie. Here is what I came up with.
These beautiful photos were taken by our amazing, and talented friend, Scott Roeben. These, and just maybe 3 or 4 other photos, are the only photos I have of my angel girl, Eleanor. These are everything I have of her.
What is Ellie's favorite thing to do with me? I would say, "I don't know", except I do know. Her favorite thing to do with me, is service. I didn't get to hold her very long. I didn't get to see her look at me for the first time. I didn't get to see her first smile, or hear her first laugh. I didn't get see her first steps, or plan her first birthday party. I didn't get to be her mother here on earth, well not in the ways that you and I think of it. However, that sweet girl changed my life in the best way, in just the 6 hours I got to spend with her.
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| (Sorry Tammy! It's the only photo I have of you. EVER! We need to change that soon. HA! You 're so cute here though!) |
Out of that horrible night of losing my child, a few amazing things came out of that. One of the best things that came out of that is a new "heavenly sister", as she calls me. Tammy, she was my nurse when I gave birth to Ellie. Without my daughter, I would've probably never met her, and would've missed out on knowing this amazing woman, and having her shining spirit be a part of my life. She is the woman that has had almost every ounce of her body cried on by me, and snotted on. She was a huge force for me that night, and has continued to be since then. I just love and adore this lady. (Hey Cassie, did you know we had another sister?! HA!) Anytime I get to speak to a nurse about a loss that they are handling during their shift, I bring up Tammy. I think sometimes we forget the effect that we can have on someone, especially during these difficult times. You never know if something you are doing is changing the course of someone's grief, trial or hard time. She taught me that just by allowing her to help me.
Mothers day, 2011, Tammy and her sweet husband Tor asked if they could come and visit me. They said they had something for me. When they got there, we chatted about anything that was going on, and a little bit about how I was doing. Then they handed me a gift bag and asked me to open it. Inside of the bag were these little plates containing my daughters hand and feet prints. Don't they look perfect? This may have been the most special Mothers Day gifts I have gotten.
Because of what was done for me, by Scott providing such amazing photographs of my daughter, and our family, and Tammy providing such amazing care, beautiful love and compassion and her sweet influence on my life, I wanted to make this seemingly impossible to move past trial, into a positive one. I thought of what I could do, and how I could make what I love to do into a service I could give others. I came up with making quilts and blankets for the hospitals to give to families who have lost babies. But, a quilt takes a really really long time, and they need quite a few at one time. I am a perfectionist when it comes to that, so I decided not to do that. Then I thought about what means the most to me, and I always came back to the photos Scott took for us that night. I had only started to gain an interest in photography, and thought I might be ok at it, but was never really pushed into it. I decided that this is what I wanted to do. I wanted to give to others what he gave to me, beautiful memories.
So with some encouragement from my other AMAZING friend, Lisa, and lots of encouragement and advice from Scott, I enrolled in a class (that ended up not being a very good class at all), and off I went! During the class I was able to assist Lisa on a lot of her sessions, which I miss terribly, and proved to be some of the most valuable education I ever received.
One of my first assignments was to create a memory box. I was to take only 5 photos that would describe me, and/or what was important to me. This was one of my photos:
I took this photo because this is why I was taking this class. I was taking this class to give this to other families. I was taking this class because of Eleanor. This photo described the reasons why photography was important to me. This photo described why I wanted to do, what I wanted to do, and my passion and love for it. I'm not sure anyone else got that from this photo, but it sure got a lot of people talking on the discussion boards. HA! But during the class, during everything, I could feel my daughter cheering me on, holding my hand, and her complete pride for what I was doing.
During my journey with this, I was asked to make the quilt for The Walk To Remember. This was a life altering service I was able to provide for my bereavement group also. I had been able to design the quilt, and tell a story with it (even if I was the only one who knew the story. HA!), and produce it in a way that I was proud of, and others seemed to enjoy.
I will never forget one night, while I was putting the binding on this quilt, I just started crying. I had an overwhelming feeling come over me. I felt my daughter standing in front of my table, in awe of what I was doing, with so much pride in the finished product, and even more importantly, she was proud of her mom, and loved her for making her challenges mean more, and something positive for others. She was using me, to teach others. She was proud of me, and loved me more, for being a positive example for others, when I could have easily taken another path, and let this experience defeat me. This quilt was the quilt I couldn't make for Ellie when she passed away. I am really proud of this quilt, even with the flaws.
Finally, this happened:
I was finally somewhat comfortable enough in my skills, and confident in myself, and I went for it! This was my first time photographing an angel baby. I remember everything about the 2 hours I spent with this family, and this sweet baby. I will, hopefully, never forget. When I left that hospital, I sat in my car, and I just prayed and thanked Heavenly Father for that experience. I cried and cried after that, and during those short times, I felt my daughter, again, with me, holding my hand, and beaming with pride at how far her mommy has come, and what she is doing with this grief.
I think Ellie's favorite thing to do with me is service. I think that she goes with me for every shoot that I do. I think she helps me, and reminds me what I'm there to do. She fills my heart completely with love and compassion each time I walk into a hospital room. She helps me to see the beauty in every baby that I get to photograph, no matter how big or tiny. She doesn't want me to sit around and wallow. She wants me to learn everything I can from every experience, every trial, every ounce of life, and she wants me to do good with it! She's proud of me, because I'm doing it!
I am so grateful for everything my youngest daughter has taught me, and continues to teach me. I love feeling her with me. I love feeling her love for me. I know that I will see her again, and I can't wait for the moment that she wraps her arms around me, calls me mommy, tells me she loves me and missed me, and says, "I'm proud to be your daughter." I can't wait for the moment when I have all of my children around me, and I can see each one of them lined up, and know that they are ALL my children, and we are an eternal family.
Everything I do, I do for my children, and for my family. Everything I do is to teach them, and to be an example to them. I love my children with all of my heart, and the best thing I can do for them is to be happy, and to work hard, and be a positive example to them. When they are older, and they look back on this, I want them to see what I went through, and see what I did with it, and know that they can do hard things too. I want them to know that life isn't always great, and beautiful and full of roses and sunshine......but it can be, with the right attitude and outlook. I want them to do service for others, and never once think, "That person isn't deserving of service", or "What are they going to do with that service?" I want them to do service because it's just what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to help everyone. You are supposed to love everyone. God gave us gifts and talents, not for our own gain, but for the gain of others around us. I am happiest when I am doing service for others, including for my family. I love showing these photos of important things, people and moments in my life in the last 3 1/2 years, because in each moment, and each photo, she is there. It's all because of her. Without this experience, none of this would've happened. Without her, I wouldn't be who I am today.
I love my Eleanor, and think of her all of the time, and miss her like crazy. I wish I could see how she would fit into our family, here on Earth. But, I know that that time will come. I just need to patient. For now, the best thing I can do to include her is to be a good mother to her siblings, be a good wife to her daddy, and continue to do work for others.
Because of what was done for me, by Scott providing such amazing photographs of my daughter, and our family, and Tammy providing such amazing care, beautiful love and compassion and her sweet influence on my life, I wanted to make this seemingly impossible to move past trial, into a positive one. I thought of what I could do, and how I could make what I love to do into a service I could give others. I came up with making quilts and blankets for the hospitals to give to families who have lost babies. But, a quilt takes a really really long time, and they need quite a few at one time. I am a perfectionist when it comes to that, so I decided not to do that. Then I thought about what means the most to me, and I always came back to the photos Scott took for us that night. I had only started to gain an interest in photography, and thought I might be ok at it, but was never really pushed into it. I decided that this is what I wanted to do. I wanted to give to others what he gave to me, beautiful memories.
So with some encouragement from my other AMAZING friend, Lisa, and lots of encouragement and advice from Scott, I enrolled in a class (that ended up not being a very good class at all), and off I went! During the class I was able to assist Lisa on a lot of her sessions, which I miss terribly, and proved to be some of the most valuable education I ever received.
One of my first assignments was to create a memory box. I was to take only 5 photos that would describe me, and/or what was important to me. This was one of my photos:
I took this photo because this is why I was taking this class. I was taking this class to give this to other families. I was taking this class because of Eleanor. This photo described the reasons why photography was important to me. This photo described why I wanted to do, what I wanted to do, and my passion and love for it. I'm not sure anyone else got that from this photo, but it sure got a lot of people talking on the discussion boards. HA! But during the class, during everything, I could feel my daughter cheering me on, holding my hand, and her complete pride for what I was doing.
During my journey with this, I was asked to make the quilt for The Walk To Remember. This was a life altering service I was able to provide for my bereavement group also. I had been able to design the quilt, and tell a story with it (even if I was the only one who knew the story. HA!), and produce it in a way that I was proud of, and others seemed to enjoy.
Finally, this happened:
 |
| Photo taken by Mandy Tillitson |
I was finally somewhat comfortable enough in my skills, and confident in myself, and I went for it! This was my first time photographing an angel baby. I remember everything about the 2 hours I spent with this family, and this sweet baby. I will, hopefully, never forget. When I left that hospital, I sat in my car, and I just prayed and thanked Heavenly Father for that experience. I cried and cried after that, and during those short times, I felt my daughter, again, with me, holding my hand, and beaming with pride at how far her mommy has come, and what she is doing with this grief.
I think Ellie's favorite thing to do with me is service. I think that she goes with me for every shoot that I do. I think she helps me, and reminds me what I'm there to do. She fills my heart completely with love and compassion each time I walk into a hospital room. She helps me to see the beauty in every baby that I get to photograph, no matter how big or tiny. She doesn't want me to sit around and wallow. She wants me to learn everything I can from every experience, every trial, every ounce of life, and she wants me to do good with it! She's proud of me, because I'm doing it!
I am so grateful for everything my youngest daughter has taught me, and continues to teach me. I love feeling her with me. I love feeling her love for me. I know that I will see her again, and I can't wait for the moment that she wraps her arms around me, calls me mommy, tells me she loves me and missed me, and says, "I'm proud to be your daughter." I can't wait for the moment when I have all of my children around me, and I can see each one of them lined up, and know that they are ALL my children, and we are an eternal family.
Everything I do, I do for my children, and for my family. Everything I do is to teach them, and to be an example to them. I love my children with all of my heart, and the best thing I can do for them is to be happy, and to work hard, and be a positive example to them. When they are older, and they look back on this, I want them to see what I went through, and see what I did with it, and know that they can do hard things too. I want them to know that life isn't always great, and beautiful and full of roses and sunshine......but it can be, with the right attitude and outlook. I want them to do service for others, and never once think, "That person isn't deserving of service", or "What are they going to do with that service?" I want them to do service because it's just what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to help everyone. You are supposed to love everyone. God gave us gifts and talents, not for our own gain, but for the gain of others around us. I am happiest when I am doing service for others, including for my family. I love showing these photos of important things, people and moments in my life in the last 3 1/2 years, because in each moment, and each photo, she is there. It's all because of her. Without this experience, none of this would've happened. Without her, I wouldn't be who I am today.
I love my Eleanor, and think of her all of the time, and miss her like crazy. I wish I could see how she would fit into our family, here on Earth. But, I know that that time will come. I just need to patient. For now, the best thing I can do to include her is to be a good mother to her siblings, be a good wife to her daddy, and continue to do work for others.
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