Here Come the Holiday's, and other stuff

The last few weeks have been really hard on me. Much harder than any other time I've had. Usually I can smile my way through the thoughts, and sadness, but lately, I can't........and I have no desire to. Usually, I think about how my attitude could effect others.......but lately, I don't care.

As we were getting ready for Halloween, I realized, for the next 3 months, I am going to be a wreck. I don't want to be, but I am going to be. I am 25 weeks pregnant with our 5th (6th, if you count the miscarriage, and lately, I have been) child, I was trying to help the kids pick out their Halloween costumes, and trying to get a room ready for the new baby to come, while being a bright, sunshiney me, for my family, friends, work and church calling. One day, at my local Wallyworld, I was looking at costumes for my 2 year old, and all I could think about was "I should be shopping for a costume for Ellie too." I kept seeing the "My First Halloween" shirts, followed by "My First Thanksgiving", and finally, "My First Christmas" and all of those cute little momento's, as I was walking around. I realized, I will take my children trick-or-treating this year, and my mom won't nag me to put a hat on the baby, because it's cold outside, like she does every year. I won't watch her crawl around with her cousin, Lilia, while we are in St. George for our annual Thanksgiving trip. I won't get to feed her her first smartie, or watch her eat turkey and mashed potatoes for the first time. Every year, I buy all of the kids matching holiday shirts, and holiday jammies. This year, I don't get to buy any for her. Finally, her first birthday is in January. I won't get to watch her smash into her cake, or cry because her hands and face are dirty. I won't get to laugh and throw a party for her. Scott won't get to come over and take pictures at her first birthday party, like he did for Taylor. She will never be in our family pictures.

2 weeks ago, I decided to go through a bin of toys I had bought last year, for this years Christmas, when they were on clearance. I always try to stock up for the following years Christmas, at Target or Walmart, when they clearance out their toys they didn't sell. I went through the 2 bins, and found a few little toys I had bought for her, for this year. It would've been her first Christmas. We would've been video taping her, unwrapping her first Christmas present, with the help of the other kids, I'm sure. We would've watched all the kids playing and laughing (and fighting too, I'm sure), and doting over their baby sister, as she sits there in awe of everything. We would've been laughing because Lilia and Ellie wouldn't have cared about their presents. They would just want the bows and wrapping paper, like every other baby, and probably would've tried eating them.

Last night, we went to a baptism, for Cecilia's (my sister-in law) mom. Church functions are really very hard for me right now. I was a little relieved when Taylor was just being loud during it, so I took him out. He wasn't being bad....he was just LOUD. I've had such a faith struggle lately, which has never happened to me before. People have told me a lot, lately, that I'll get to raise my daughter later, and I'll get to be her mom. I have been told that she is our daughter, and she is sealed to us, just like the other children are. But, most, if not all, of those people, have never diligently searched for the answers to those questions, because they've never had a stillborn, luckily. Allan and I have. What we have come away with is, it's unknown. No one knows for sure. Reading other things regarding this subject, we have come to the conclusion that the answers are given through personal revelation. I know the answer......but I'm one of those people that I may know the answer, and I know it to be true, I will doubt my answer because a general authority hasn't also received the same answer, and made it known to us. I think, "Why would Heavenly Father give me the answer, and not the Prophet? Who am I? No one." So, I'm sitting in the baptism, and listening to the speakers say to Glenda (Cecilia's mom) that Heavenly Father knows you, and loves you, and is pleased with your decision..........and I'm struggling to know that very thing. I wish He would just appear to me, hug me for 10 hours, and tell me the simple thing I need to know......"Am I her mother? Did she gain her body? Is she our child for eternity? Does she know me and love me?" But he won't. He can't. It's not that easy. After those talks, we sang "How Great Thou Art", and every time I sing that song at church, the second and third verse make me cry. I think it's just the message of the song, and I just don't have the same feelings of greatness and love for Him, right now, that I really should. And it's all a lack of understanding those very questions, that maybe aren't important to most people, but they are so incredibly important to me.

Lately, I have struggled with those questions, again, and the blame thing. The guilt thing. I have relived that night that they told me that there is no heart beat, and everything, minute by minute, in my head. I keep thinking about the days prior, and everything I had done, and have blamed myself for her death. I have so much guilt, that I possibly killed my child.........and I can't figure out how. I feel like a murderer, but I'm not sure what I did. I robbed her of these special experiences with her brothers and sister, and her amazing father, and I don't know what I did. Now, with the birth of this new little boy, I'm petrified it's going to happen again, and I still won't know what I did. Everyone tells me that God won't let it happen again. He's not that cruel........but after I hear that, I hear of a few ladies who have had 3-5 stillborns, late ones. It's very possible, and I'm scared.

I have been desperate to go to the temple the last few weeks. Just to be there. I don't know why, but I just even want to sit in the foyar. 3 weeks ago, and even 2 weeks ago, Allan and mine schedule just wouldn't mesh up, and when it did, we couldn't afford the sitter. But last week, we think I broke my tail bone, so now I REALLY can't go. I can't sit and stand for 3 hours. Just typing this thing up, my butt is screaming at me. My good friend invited me to go with her, and I think it's adorable when people with older kids invite you to go to the temple, forgetting that there are no sitters during the day for my toddlers, but they can't go at night, because family stuff is at night.........so it never works out. HA! But, it is so sweet to be thought of, and to have someone tell you that they thought of you. It helps. I, for the first time, had to say no, and give an excuse of why I couldn't go. I have no sitters for my boys, and I can't stand sitting for that long. I hated myself for that, but I have to deal with reality. I need to be there, I want to be there.......and I just can't be there. I can't even handle the drive to get there. It's ripping me apart, because I just want to be there so badly, and I can't.

When I first had Ellie, and people had heard that she died, I received 2 special necklaces, and a bracelet, that mean the world to me. One is a necklace with a silver charm, that has imprints of baby feet, and then it has another silver charm, with her name on it, and a single pearl. Allan's Aunt and cousins got it for me, and sent it to me. Another, Allan's friend, Charlie, gave me. It's a simple silver necklace, with a small round silver charm on it, that has Eleanor on it. She came up to me, and gave that to me at the service, after we had gotten done speaking. She also had lost a baby, and had one for her baby. Finally, Allan's sister Kelsey, and his family got me a silver bracelet, with a silver heart charm dangling from it, that has Ellie on one side of the charm, and her birth date on the other side of it. I wear the bracelet and one of the necklaces daily. A few people have told me that I should get charms for the jewelry, that have all of my kids' names on it, so that my other children don't feel left out, or feel less special. I don't want that. I have memories of my other children. I have them with me every day, telling me that they love me, and that they need me, and that I'm a good mother. This is all I have of her, every day, to remind me that she's there too. It's not her, but it's all I have of her. Do I need it to remind me of her......heavens no. But it reminds me that there are other people out there who know what I am feeling, and what I am going through. It reminds me that there are lots of people out there who love me, and loved her. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone, but I just can't add my other kids to those things. Those are special things, just for her.....for me. And it's all I have.

So, with all these negative emotions happening, and negative things happening, it's really weighing on me. I have to just let it ride out. After January, things will get better, I hope. I have to realize that after this baby comes, I will still cry for my Eleanor, and everything will remind me of her, but I will, hopefully, have this new one to focus on, along with my other 3, and be able to know that I didn't do anything wrong.............I hope. I have to realize that new emotions and feelings will come, in regards to Ellie. New things will trigger my emotions. New wants and desires for her will come up, that will never be realized.

This posting has absolutely no resolution, while most of my others do. This is just a basic pitty party for me, with no point. But it is what I'm feeling and what is going on in my life.

The Fall

You get to the edge of the ledge. Your legs are strapped tightly, and hooked to a harness at your waste, and you have a rope dangling in between both of your legs.Your heart races, because you know what is about to come. You know how this is SUPPOSED to go, and you are hoping that everything goes smoothly, and you live to tell the story. The man standing behind you, yells, through the wind that is whipping your hair around, "It's time to jump!! Ready? 3-2-1.......BUNGEE!!!" And for some reason, you listen to him, you trust him, and you jump. You jump, with everything you are, and everything you have. You fall.....fall.......fall.......fall, and finally, your body tightens, as the chord tightens, and you are thrust back upwards towards the ledge. You fall again, and bound back up again, 3 to 4 more times. Finally, after the bouncing has stopped, you hang there for a minute, alone, up side down, reflecting on what you just did. Your adrenaline is still pumping, almost harder than it did before you jumped. You look out onto the beautiful sunset, and realize you just did something great, and amazing. Something that most people are too scared to do, and you were too, but you faced it, and did it anyways. You are slowly brought back up to the ledge from where you started at, and are greeted by your friends and family that came with you, by hugs and cheers and praise, hugging and congratulating you.

The last few weeks, I have been reflecting on the night that I found out that my daughter was not alive anymore, and I would have to deliver her right away. I felt like the person standing at the ledge. I knew what was to come, but I was scared to do it. As I am now 22 weeks pregnant with our son, I can't help but experience constant fear, and constant reminders. I am consumed by fear, sadness, and a guard that I have put on myself, so I won't get too excited about this baby, just in case something happens again. When I think of this new baby, I can't help but think of Ellie. I cannot picture this baby, I can only picture her.

A few days ago, I was driving home at night. I caught myself driving, and wishing someone would call me and tell me to come over or to meet them somewhere, because I just wanted to drive and drive and not come back, as if that would help anything. As I drove, I remembered, when I first lost Ellie, that first month afterwards, I was so distraught and heart broken, and lost. I felt like I wanted to crash my car into a wall. I didn't want to die, nothing like that. I wanted to have that feeling of recovery again. I felt like I was never going to get better. I felt like I was in a constant state of reliving things over and over again, in a constant state of grief, and I couldn't get out of it, and I just wanted to feel relief again, and know that I was able to heal from something still. As I drove home, in the longest way possible, I thought about bungee jumping. How, what I am feeling, now, about 9 months later, is similar to that, except I haven't felt that rebound yet. I feel like I am just falling, and I am waiting for that big moment, when everything falls into place, that fear is gone, guarding myself is gone, and loving myself and my family wasn't so difficult.

Sunday was the first Sunday back to church, after Stake Conference. I had no desire to go to church. The Thursday before, we had an activity with the girls. I was sitting there, helping them with their Personal Progress, and expressing the importance of it, and all the while, I was thinking, "What's the difference? What does any of it matter? Bad things will still happen, no matter what things you are doing right. Who cares about any of it anymore?" One of my girls from church said they needed help with a talk. She came over to my house that night, and as we talked about what she would speak on, and I gave her idea. At that moment, I was grateful for my calling. When I am feeling low, and negative, and my thoughts are ugly, that's when my calling becomes overwhelming, and all consuming, and it makes me take myself out of my own grief and sorrow, and focus on someone else, and helping them with their problems.

Many days, I don't want to do anything but be a hermit and never leave my house. I don't want to see anyone, or talk to anyone, or be anyone. I just want to disappear. Those are the days when I'm just free falling. But one thing I am FINALLY starting to realize is, that chord, wrapped so tightly around my waste and around my ankles, is my Heavenly Father, just waiting for me to ask for his help, waiting for me to allow Him to love me and to help me, and as soon as I am brave enough to say when, He will tighten the chord and I will bound back up to Him, and feel peace again. I don't do my part enough, I think.

I do find quiet, in my head, at the Temple. I feel my Father and Heaven, sitting with me there, with his arm around my shoulders, and my daughters hand on mine, as they rest in my lap. I wish I could go more often, but I think that's one of the sacrifices you make as a stay at home mom. You're not always able to go as often as you'd like. I just want to feel that peace more often, and know that my daughter is happy for this new baby brother, that is about to enter into our family. I want to know that she is happy. I want to know that she knows I love her. I wish she was here. But when I'm there, sitting in the Celestial room, I feel it, and it is a relief.

Lately, the days are getting harder, and scarier as this new little life prepares to enter the world. I just have to keep reminding myself of the amazing lessons I've learned along this difficult journey. I have to hold fast to my testimony. I know, eventually, I will feel the rebound. I will feel the peace. And all will be well again. I just have to remember to not lose hope, and not lose my faith in what I know to be true.

A Rough One

This is out of order, but I also want to keep up with what is currently going on, so I don't get behind again.

Today, like a lot of days, is an Ellie day. I have been thinking of her a lot today. I have been trying, desperately, to get ready for this baby, however, something is keeping me from doing it........me. I have prevented myself from getting excited about this new baby boy, that, in 13 or so more weeks, is going to make his appearance into the world.

Last night, I decided to create a registry. Just for me, not for a baby shower or anything like that. I wanted to use it as more of a "To-Do" list, rather than a gift list. A week ago, my mom took me to Baby's R Us, to look at bedding sets. She has bought my bedding sets for most of my kids, unless I get to it first, and wanted to do it this time around. We went and picked out one that I kind of liked, and then shopped for clothes. As I shopped for clothes for this new guy, I couldn't picture him in anything. In fact, I couldn't picture anyone in them, except my sweet Eleanor, and then it just seemed weird that I was shopping for blue clothes, when I should be shopping for pink clothes. I picked out some things that I, again, kind of liked. We paid for the items (not for the bedding just yet), and we left the store.

As I was driving home, with my 2 boys in the back seat, on our way to pick up Sarah, I was so annoyed with myself. Why couldn't I be excited and do the "Ooohs and Aaahs" at the baby clothes and bedding sets? Why was I so ho hum about everything? I so wanted to be excited and have fun, but I just couldn't. It just wasn't coming. Finally, I called my mom. I told her I was so sorry that I couldn't be excited. I told her it was hard to not be guarded with this pregnancy. She told me, "It's ok. We will be excited for you. This baby needs to be celebrated too." I wish I was in the mood to celebrate. A lot of times, I have a hard time calling this baby a "he" or "him". It's always, "the baby".

I came home, and I told Allan what had happened, and how I was feeling. We decided to look at bedding sets online, together, and see if there were any that I liked. He understood how I was feeling, and thought, maybe if I can get excited about one thing, like the bedding, then maybe it will get better. And you know what? We actually found a set that we both loved! I couldn't wait to call my mom and tell her, "I want this set, instead!" I explained to her that this is the first thing, this whole pregnancy, that I've been excited about, so it was important to me. She was happy for me, that I was excited finally, about something.

Today, as I was trying to finish up the registry, so I could start, piece by piece, buying the things I needed, and wanted for this baby, this overwhelming feeling of guilt came over me. I felt it again, like in the store, "Why I am I looking at things for boys, when I want to look at things for girls?" I had already felt terribly that I had bought a lot of used things for Ellie, in preparation for her. I thought, "Why wasn't she special enough to have brand new things?" So I wanted to buy new things for this baby. But then the rational part of me thought, "It really doesn't matter. The baby doesn't care about stuff. Stuff isn't important." But as I shopped more and more, I just couldn't LOVE anything, and picture this baby in it. I decided to take a break, and just put it down for a little bit. As I was trying to clear my head, a weird thought crept into my mind. Earlier, my doctor had told me that she'd like to induce me at about 34-35 weeks, to be on the safe side, but that the baby would be in the NICU for a week or so. I was fine with any amount of time in the NICU, as long as I got to bring my baby home, at some point. But today, I was thinking of talking to my doctor about waiting to induce me until 36-37 weeks, just to make him a bit healthier. Just an idea, and more to have her educate me more on why, in my situation, earlier may be better. But the thought came to me, "Why would you try to prolong this pregnancy, against your doctors advice? Are you trying to kill this baby too?!" That thought broke my heart into a million pieces, and brought on so many tears. Again, I know I didn't do anything to cause the death of Ellie. I couldn't have kept it from happening, even if I wanted to. We have no idea, still, what happened. But it's that irrational part that creeps in and makes me doubt myself and my abilities as a parent to make good decisions for my children anymore. It's almost as if I don't trust myself completely anymore.

I do love this baby, and I want this baby to be born safe, and healthy and happy, and become part of our family. We knew, getting pregnant, so soon after losing Ellie, would be difficult, and I would go through a lot. It's a strange thing, dealing with the death of one child, while giving life to another. I don't know if any amount of counseling could help me deal with this strange paradox of emotions. My poor husband, I think, feels like he can only sit back and watch this happen. He tries so incredibly hard, to be there for me and listen to my feelings. He helps when he feels like he can, or I communicate to him, how he can help. I don't think any amount of preparation can really prepare you for the emotions of being pregnant, after losing a baby. The guilt, the pressure you put on yourself to do everything right, and the sadness, all while trying to make yourself prepare for a new arrival. He understands the loneliness that I am feeling, and wishes he could help with that too, while dealing with his own emotions. I try to talk to friends (because sometimes you just need a girlfriend to talk to, and cry on), but it seems like when I bring her up, and let them know that this is what I'm down about, or need a cry about, they disappear. I understand why, but I wish I didn't have to be so understanding. I think, someone in my situation, already chooses their words so carefully, as to not always be talking of the baby they lost, so to not make others uncomfortable.......it's hard to have to be so choosy with your words with friends.

This posting is not eloquent, and very choppy. This one is difficult for me to put into words, what I feel and what I'm going through. I am happy, I am cautious, and I am scared. I don't know how to express this one better. I wish I did. Maybe that would help me understand how to help myself. I will just keep trying. But I'm getting tired of always battling myself, to stay positive and happy. It's exhausting. Just bad days happening lately. I hope, and most of me knows, this too shall pass, and it will get better.

Happy Fathers' Day!!!

This year, for Fathers' Day, Vicki, my step-mom, came up with a fabulous idea! To have all of our families together on one day. I really loved it! My sister and her husband came down from Palm Springs to be here, my mom and my step-dad, Wayne came over, along with my dad and Vicki. Finally, a surprise visit from Justin's son, and my nephew, Brandon! It was a really fun night of food, cake, playing in the back yard, conversation, and fun!

I thought instead of writing about it, I would just upload pictures and let that tell you what we did.

Cassie, my sister, my dad, Ron and my step-dad, Wayne, hangin outside, watchin the kids play.

Justin, Cassie's husband, playing with their son, Jordan.

Jordan stabbing Justin with a sword.

Dad just heard it was time to eat.....

Wayne's super happy that it's time to eat........and so is his shirt!!

My little sister, Christine and Wayne

Luke, my little brother, Justin and my nephew, Jordan

My step-mom, Vicki.......and my dad hiding behind her

This is what happens when my mom does the dishes

The adults discussing the cake.....or whatever Wayne is holding in his hand

Taylor, eating his "cakes"

Justin, his son Brandon, and Jordan

Yea.....Sarah can chug it back

mmmm cake

Handsome boy

Justin, Luke and Christine

The man and his vicious, killer dog.

My mom, Deb and my sister, Cassie

Ugh, my dad still won't let me take his picture. COME ON!

My mom and Wayne

Um.......I guess Cassie and Justin really liked dinner? Weirdo's.

Cassie and Jordan......don't let looks deceive you.....Jordan's sweet, but he has a dark side. HA!

Justin, playing football with his little clone, Luke

Clyde's training the kids.

Allan and his kids. 

My husband is definitely the best dad ever. He's a pretty good husband too. All in all, it seems like everyone had a really great evening. I wish we could do it more often. I love my family.

Kanarraville Hike

I'm lookin happy right now....

Since finding out we were pregnant, we haven't really told anyone yet. Allan and I decided it was a good idea for me to inform my Young Women presidency that I was expecting. I decided not to tell the girls though. Our thinking was that if I became sick, again, the leaders would understand why, and would be able to cover where I need them to. Shortly after I told them, and being about 6 weeks along, we had a hike come up that I really wanted to go on. Amy (our fearless leader, and Young Women's President) assured us it was a fairly easy hike, so it shouldn't be a problem. Plus, I had been walking 5-6 miles a day, 4 nights a week, so I was feeling pretty good about being able to do it, without any problems. So I decided to go. Allan, on the other hand, was not as confident in my decision to go. Of course, I still went. I guess, I felt like I had been out of control for so long, that I wanted to be able to push myself a little bit, or do things that I haven't been able to do for a while. I had finally been on top of things, and I wanted to do everything that came my way. I wanted to try.

Don't worry, we won't be going even half that speed

Driving up to Amy's mom's house, I was definitely nervous. I was scared I would push myself too much, and do something to hurt the baby. I said a little silent prayers, and immediately I felt at ease. As we walked into Amy's mom's house, she was so happy to to see everyone. I still giggle when I think about her running into her house, to go get the quilt I made for her, to show me that she still had it, and was using it proudly. Ugh, melted my heart. She is just the sweetest lady. It made me feel so good that a service, that I thought wasn't that big of a deal to do for her, and it wouldn't make a difference, actually did, and she loved it so much. I guess you never know, huh?

The ants go marching 2 by 2,  hurrah, hurrah!

We all did our potty break, and then we started off, walking down the road together, the Young Women and the Young Men, along with the leaders. We came up to the road, that went up this hill as far as you could see, and I, at that point, was wishing we couldn't parked up the hill. HAHA! I HATE hills. Especially those hills with the gradual inclines, that go on for days. I started going up, and up, and UP.......and you know what!? I didn't have to stop or slow down, I had a ton of energy. I was really happy that I had been doing all of that walking and eating better, so that I felt good at a part of the hike I thought would give me problems. The only issue I had was my hip and knee was starting to twinge a bit, but it was bareable and I kept trotting along.

View of Kanarraville.........well most of it. It's not that big, but it sure is cute.

Before I go any further, can I just say, I was NOT prepared for how interesting this stinkin hike would get. Most of the path for this hike is in the dang water, up to your knees. The other parts are through tall grass, and you see a lot of snakes......NOT A FAN.

I thought this tree stump resembled a toilet......so I Cassie took a picture. HA!

I was walking with one of the Laurel's, Cassie, the whole time, and we were both so proud of ourselves that we kept up near the front, with the boys. I guess that made us feel more manly. HA! There were a lot of parts where we needed help up, or across things, and they were sweet enough to help my big old butt along. As I looked back, though, I noticed, at a certain point of the hike, that no one was behind us anymore. Most everyone had stopped and decided not to continue. Yea, that was an ego stroke for me, because I was still rarring to go! HA! So we kept following them.

This was the shallowest part of the hike. The deepest part for my 6'0 butt was my waste

Near the end, there was a part of the hike, the rock slide, that everyone likes to slide down the rocks into the bottom, where the river/creek runs down (hence the name rock slide). I decided then, as we were passing it, I would not be doing that, and I would have to think of some way to get out of telling the girls why I couldn't go. Amy's son kept going further, so we decided we would also. We went in this canyon area, where the water was up to our hips, easily (and I'm 6'0 tall, so that's deep for everyone else!), and you had to climb up a HUGE rock to get to the other side. They helped me up, where I was successful, much to mine and everyone else's surprise. We continued on........Next up, a dead end. The water was too deep to get up anywhere, and we couldn't figure out how to get where we needed to be, so the bishop and the boys decided that's a good time to turn around. At that moment, I was slightly relieved. I was getting tired, and freakishly cold, and my hip was throbbing. So we decided to go back and meet everyone back at the rock slide area. I went back down the area of rock, where everyone was surprised that I got up without slipping. Yea........I fell down it and went straight into the water, all the way in. Ugh, it was so cold. I was happy knowing I wasn't the only one that did that. I couldn't catch my breath for about 2 minutes. It was so cold. We met at the rock slide with everyone else, and we watched the girls convince Amy to go down the rock slide, if they went. She kept her end of the bargain and did it. I was so proud of her.......especially because she was wearing a white shirt, and that could've been a little hairy, if you know what I mean. HA! But all was well.

The rock slide......see the small guy going down it?

Becky's trying to talk Amy into going down. The deal was, "If I go, you have to go."

Becky goes! YEA BECKY!!

Amy manned up and went down.

We started coming back down the hike, to get back to Amy's mom's house, and Cassie and I found ourselves ahead of everyone. Another ego stroke. HAHA! However, as we came down that hill, I was hitting my leg and hip so hard, just walking, it felt like it was coming out of my body. We got back to the house, and I went straight to my car, laid the seat back and sat......trying not to cry. It was killing me. I won't go into the details of that wimp moment.......because it was embarrassing and weak, but it was part of the hike, so I have to tell what happened. So there it is.

Hali, Ariel & Becky

Some of the kiddo's at the rock slide area

We started home and dropped everyone off. I came home, and I couldn't wait to tell Allan that I finished it, and I did awesome and kept up with the BOYS, and everything that I did. I was so proud of myself for doing it. I look back now, and it wasn't that hard of a hike, really. But there was a lot of height issues, and cold water trudging and all of those elements, that tend to make me squeamish, and I didn't give into the fear, and I did it! I just kept going. I think it helped me to know that I'm going to be scared in this pregnancy, but if I just keep going, and keep a positive attitude, as much as possible, then I can get through it, and be fine. I knew that it was all for good, and I would only get stronger from it, if I allow myself. 

So as silly as the hike was for everyone else, and as easy as it was for them......it was a big deal for me, and I couldn't have been more grateful for the experience. I'm really glad I went and allowed myself to just try, and not give up.

Sarah Graduates Kindergarten

Big, bad, Sarah-Bear has graduated Kindergarten. I remember the first day we took her to school. I remember watching her go into her classroom. I kept turning around, as I walked away, watching for her, to make sure she went inside, and was okay. I stood at the fence, with my husband's arm around me (giggling at me because I was teary, which doesn't happen often), trying to comfort me, as she walked in, so independently.

The afternoon kindergarten classes

Now, I am getting teary, because she is standing in front of me, 9 months later, with the rest of her class, while Allan and I watch her and her classmates, sing songs that they learned, which tell us about how big they've gotten over the year, and all of the amazing things they learned (and feeling a little vindicated, because Allan is bawling like a baby). I can't help but feel so proud of her. She has accomplished a lot, been through a lot, had to comprehend and witness a lot, and still maintained that spunky, spirited self, through out this school year.

Sarah and Mrs. Palmira

Before the program, we went to her Kindergarten room, to say goodbye to Mrs. Palmira, her Kindergarten teacher. Sarah just LOVES her, and was so sad to leave Mrs. Palmira's class! She wanted to see Parker (Mrs. Palmira's son) every Friday, still, and go to her classroom still. So, when she saw Mrs. Palmira, and was able to give her a hug, she got teary. I felt so bad for her. Mrs. Palmira has been so patient, and loving with Sarah. It's no wonder Sarah loves her so much.

Sarah getting teary and Mrs. Palmira trying to comfort her

Sarah is an amazing, smart, gorgeous, funny and loving little girl. She makes me crazy, because she can suck the oxygen out of a room, with the amount of talking she can do (which her teacher found out too!), but she has a good heart and she is, biased I'm sure, the best little girl. I am so proud of her and love her so much.

Congratulations Sarah! We love you!!

Making Baby Blankets for Other Babies

One of my biggest regrets is not making my Eleanor a quilt, like her brothers and sister have, and being able to bury it with her. So, for me to make a baby blanket for anyone, anymore, is really difficult. It really shouldn't be. It's something that I can do, semi-well, and it's a way to show kindness to others and do service for them.

One day, a few months before camp, my mom approached me, and asked if I would be willing to make 2 baby blankets, for their stake to take up to girl's camp, and have the girl's tie. They would learn how to stretch them and tie them properly, and then they'd be donated to an organization (I can't remember anymore where they were going to be donated to). Since I am a service junkie, I immediately said yes, without any reservation. It would be EASY! I didn't need to buy anything and it surely wouldn't take much time!

As time went on, it became harder to make these blankets. I had 3 or so months to make them, which in normal circumstances, would be PLENTY of time for 2 baby blankets. But in my circumstances, I kept putting it off. I kept envisioning them going to Ellie. I would think, "What would I want to make for her? What would I want it to look like?" It was taking me an eternity to figure out what pattern I wanted, and what fabrics I wanted to use.

One day, I realized, I only have a week left to make these darn blankets! This should be done by now! I was really frustrated with myself. Thinking back, on why it was so hard, I came to the conclusion that, it's so hard to do, because it'll never be perfect enough to give to her, so why bother? I really had to talk myself out of that mentality, and realize, this is something for a different baby, not for my own. I don't even know these babies! But even though I didn't know the babies, and I didn't know their mothers and their fathers, I wanted it to be perfect for them, for their little bundles of joy. I wanted them, in whatever bleak circumstances they were in financially, or otherwise, to know that someone out there.......someone they didn't know and would probably never meet, loved and cared about them, and their child.

So, after changing my way of thinking a little bit. I began to sew and sew and sew. I even upped the goal of 2 blankets to 4 blankets. I'm kind of an over doer when it comes to doing service for people.

The time came to give the blankets to my mom. During this whole process, she lovingly, kept checking on me to make sure this wasn't doing harm to me, instead of doing good. So when I gave her the blankets, I felt like I gave her a little piece of me to her, to give to these families. I kept apologizing I only made 3, but she kept telling me, "I only needed 2! These are beautiful!" She was so surprised. She was expecting just easy blankets, a flip out kind of blanket. She wasn't expecting quilts. A few weeks later, she came to me, and said that her Young Women's Presidency was so thankful for the quilts I had made, and how much they loved them. They were so grateful for the time that I spent on these blankets for them. It filled my heart, so much that it overflowed, knowing that they appreciated them. They will never know how hard it was for me to make them, and what kind of changes I had to make in myself, in order to complete them, but I know that my Father in Heaven and my daughter are so proud of me, for giving of myself, even when it was difficult and draining on me. I know they are proud of me, for doing the Lords work, and giving of myself. Most of all, I know that the families that receive those blankets will love them, and will be able to feel my love for them, through those blankets.

Blanket #1: (This one is my favorite, of the 3)

The front

Close up of the front and binding

The back

Close up of the back and binding

Blanket #2: (Not my favorite, but just because it's not my style)

The front

Close up of the front and binding

The back

Close up of the back and binding

Blanket #3: (This one ended up being HUGE! Again, not my style really, but I actually really liked it in the end)

The front

Close up of the front and binding

The back

Close up of the back and binding