Mothers Day

Ellie's hand and footprints.
This was taken with my phone. Not best quality pic.

Today is Mothers Day! How do I feel about it? Meh.......not my finest day. Nothing earth shattering, just not my finest day. I'm feeling undeserving of any attention, of any sort of recognition. I am uneasy with anyone saying that I am a good mom. Why? While the sane part of me knows I didn't do anything wrong, the insane part of me says that a good mom wouldn't have killed her baby. I know I didn't do anything wrong, but I have no answers. No confirmation that I didn't. I just don't feel like a good mother.

Last night, Tammy, the nurse that was so wonderful to us at the hospital, came by, along with her wonderful husband. It was such a great night. We just all chatted and laughed, and then Allan pigged out on the bunt cake that she brought over. It was TASTEY!! She did bring a gift over, and I had forgotten about it, because I was just so excited to see her. So as she was leaving, her husband reminded me about it. I opened it, and there were the impressions of my Ellie Bellie's hands and feet. I had forgotten how small her hands were and how chubby her feet were. I caught myself starting to get emotional, so I did the big gulp, and called the kids over to see it. For the last few days, Sarah had been asking me how small her feet were, and if whatever shoes she found in a store, would've fit her sisters feet. It made me happy to share that with the kids, and show them how small she was. They loved seeing it. I hugged our new friends goodbye, and promised we'd walk together, and closed the door. Allan and I bathed the kids and put them to bed, and I left to walk Clyde. I was a wreck after seeing those impressions. I walked and walked and walked, until I was terribly sore. I kept feeling my pointer finger, because I felt like I could feel her little hand again, on my finger. I remembered stroking her hands and her fingers with mine. My good friend called me that evening, while I was out, and I'm not sure if I made any sense to her at all, I just vented about everything going on......again HA! She listened, graciously, and then I FINALLY asked about her day. Sorry Amy!! She's gotta be getting sick of this. The impressions were just in time for Mothers Day, but it was almost fitting for the torture I was feeling with regards to the holiday.

I questioned whether I'd be at church today. I decided late last night, while sitting outside, under the stars, that I would indeed go to church. I have NEVER shied away from one thing, since Ellie's death. I said, at the very start, no matter how painful or awkward or difficult, I would show up and experience everything thrown at me. I would only say yes, because I was afraid I would regret missing something. I went........it was painful. I heard talks by Amber Trowbridge, just verbally loving on her mother, and telling us all what a wonderful example her mother is to her. The next one I remember was Brother Bryan, explaining the sacred roll of a mother, and gushing about what a good mother his wife is, and the same from Brother Godfrey. I looked over at Allan a few times, he was teary. I was kind of upset that he was so sad. I felt like it was my time to be sad! HA! Later, I found out from him that he was so teary because he said he kept thinking about me, and what a great mom I am and how lucky he is to have me as the mother of his children and his partner. Sweet, right? Stupid me just said, "Oh." Ugh. Sarah sang with her primary and did amazing!! My poor child. She was, by far, the loudest child up there. Everyone heard her singing, and I was so proud of her. She even got Luke to come up there with her. Every time I would smile at him, he'd give a smirk and then look away, HA! After sacrament was over, Amy turned around and kind of made small talk, and I just wanted to leave. I'm not sure I said anything to her, and I kind of felt bad, I just felt like I was suffocating, and I wanted out. We dropped Taylor off at nursery, and then went to Primary, to hear Sarah recite the 5th Article of Faith. Afterwards, we went to our Sunday School class. Next up, Young Women's..........ugh. Ariel brought in her 6 month old (I think), little sister. She's the baby that is always in Sunday School, and Allan and I hear her cooing and we just tear up every time. Ariel's mom was teaching, so she said she would take the baby. The baby was really fussy, and all of the girls were trying their hardest to calm her down, passing her around to see if someone else could get her to calm down. It didn't work. Finally, I got up, and just took her and bounced and rocked, and she stopped fussing. I kept her the whole hour, and it hit me, about 10 minutes into this bouncing and rocking, what I was doing. After that, I bounced and rocked, but I couldn't look at her, I didn't want to think of my daughter, I didn't want to smell her, I didn't want her to put her hands around mine, nothing. I was in with the Beehives and I had to step out with her. I was starting to get teary. However, when I came out, there were 2 girls chatting out there, so I had to put the happy face on, and gulp down the emotions. It was a weird thing. I was trying to help, and yet, I put myself in an emotional situation that I just didn't know how to deal with, with no outlet or help.

After class was over, I gave her back to Ariel, and walked back into the the Young Women's room. I think I just needed a hug for 5 seconds. I had been putting on the happy face act for so long, while holding a baby, that I felt like I was going to burst. As I walked in, there stood Gaylene, and Amy. Gaylene came up to me, and we started chatting, and then another person came in, and we ended up talking to them the rest of the time. Finally, when we were leaving, Gaylene briefly told me that she was glad I came, and was really proud of me. I told her thank you, and I walked out. I was emotional the whole way out to the car. I was so happy to have that love and support from her, even if it was brief. It was enough.

Now, after all of this drama, that of course, I put on myself really. I have figured something out......I am actually thankful for the hard times. I am thankful for Heavenly Father giving me all of the trials that I have. Without those trials, I wouldn't know what I know about myself. I wouldn't have learned what I learned. My testimony wouldn't have been strengthened as much as it has been. I wouldn't have as much appreciation for my remaining 3 children and for my husband. After the death of my baby, I have come to appreciate my little family so much more. I realize how strong we all are together. I realize how much we need each other. Of course, I wish I could've learned all of these wonderful things, while holding my daughter and watching her grow, but, it is what it is. I can't change it, and it does no good to keep looking backwards, if you're not willing to learn from it. My daughters death will not be for nothing. I feel like, while it still hurts and it is still difficult to not have her here with us, I am a much stronger daughter of God because of it.

It's a strange thing. It's only been 5 months. I feel like, "wow! It's been 5 months? It feels like yesterday!" and at the same time, it feels like forever ago. I wish I could explain that, but I can't. I wish I could see her grow, and know her personality. Was she quiet, or loud? Was she girly, or a tomboy? Did she end up looking like me, or Allan? Did her hair change colors, like Luke's did, or would it stay brown? What color would her eyes be? This past Thursday, I planned an activity for the girls. I had them write a letter to their mothers, thanking them for what they've done for them, or appreciating them, or a poem. Really anything. I also, had them bring a picture of them with their mothers. We attached the picture to the letters, and then framed them. I got some dried flowers, and had them decorate the frames with those, as presents to their mothers. I thought it was a FANTASTIC idea! One of my few crafty ones I have. For the whole week leading up to it, I was crying every day. I kept thinking about how I would never get anything like that from her. I would never know if I was a good mother to her. I would never know what her favorite food was, that I made. I would never know what her favorite tv show was, or if she liked to snuggle me while watching movies. I would never have that with her, what these girls have with their mothers. But, one day, I will see her again, and I will always be her mother. I know, she loves me, and appreciates me. I know she hugs me every day, and hates to see me cry, and miss her so terribly. I know she doesn't want me to worry about her, even though I'm going to, cause I'm her mom, it's what I do. HA! I also know that she wants me to take good care of her brothers, and sister, along with her daddy, so we can all return back to our Father in Heaven, and be together as a family. If we don't do all we can, here on this earth, then we won't be able to take advantage of the blessings promised to us in the temple. We have to do our part.

I am grateful for this trial. I am grateful for the testimony that I have gained because of it. I am grateful for the support of my Heavenly Father, lifting me up every minute of every day, and pushing me to continue on. I am grateful to be a mother of 4 beautiful children. Most of all, I am grateful to have a loving, handsome and compassionate husband as my partner for eternity. Out of sorrow, comes joy, and I'm finally finding mine again.