Tammy had been encouraging Allan and I to attend this group of parents who have lost babies, by stillborn, SIDS, premature and didn't make it, or any number of reasons why. I was petrified to go. I had been having such a hard time recently, blaming myself, not allowing myself to enjoy anything good, not feeling deserving of anything good, and just a lot of self inflicted mental wounding. I was constantly feeling overwhelmed and tortured. I was overwhelmed with my feelings with regards to Eleanor, and the loss of her and the hole in this family, not to mention, trying to hide those feelings from the children, as they ask me about their sister, about 3 times a day, on top of trying to hold it together, so my husband can feel like I'm ok, and let himself grieve, and not feel like he has to take care of me. I didn't want to talk about it AGAIN. I was afraid that I wouldn't feel anything. I was afraid I wouldn't allow myself to feel anything, or to cry. I was afraid no one would care. I was afraid of everything unknown. As the date approached, I kept giving Allan those easy out moments. Like, "We don't have to go if you don't want to. It might be lame" or "I just don't feel like going. I feel fine". Things like that. Allan, however, was persistent in the fact that he thought it might be really good for us, and he reminded me that I haven't wanted to back down or run away from anything. That this is just a milestone in this journey, that I have to face, and do. DANG IT! I hate when he's right and makes sense. It's so uncharacteristic of him. HA!
We arrived at Summerlin Hospital, and went to Conference Room 3. I wanted to throw up, I was so nervous. As soon as we walked into the room, I shut down. I became shy, and quiet and awkward.......I was not myself, that's for sure. The woman running the meeting, introduced herself (now I've forgotten her name! AAH! I'm so terrible at names.). She couldn't have been more sweet and pleasant. She was just a short little thing.......although anyone standing next to me is a short little thing, but she was even more so. She knew exactly who we were already, from talking with Tammy. We felt weird, because she knew us so well, and we had no idea who she was or anything about her. HA! She introduced us to another woman sitting there, who she said was LDS also, and had lost her baby 5 months ago (of course I can't remember her name now either. Geez.). We made small talk and chatted quietly, while the rest of the group arrived. More people started to show up after us, and by the time the session started, there were about 8 people there, 2 people were married, so luckily, Allan wasn't the only man there.
Finally, she started the session. We all introduced ourselves, and then she said that usually, at the beginning of the meeting, we go around the room, and tell our story. I was so glad that she started at the other end of the room, and let us go last. It was eye opening to me. The first to go was the LDS woman that I had just met. She was so sweet and cute. I felt like I was listening to my story, in certain areas. The characteristics of her attitude were very similar to mine. Positive, but still have really crappy times. Then, every one else went. There were a lot of people there that had their baby a few years ago, and were still very distraught over it. I don't know why, but it surprised me a little. I mean, of course, you're still sad about losing your child, but for some reason, the amount of crying caught me off guard. It made me do 2 things. Look inward, to myself, and ask, "Am I masking my feelings so much, that I'm becoming hard, and not feeling anymore? Or, am I taking my journey in a different direction, and finding the purpose, and the lessons that Heavenly Father wants me to learn from this experience?" I don't think I got my answer until the end of the session, to those questions.
It was finally our turn to talk about how we lost our sweet Ellie Bellie. I told the story, and surprisingly, I WOULD NOT allow myself to cry. I could feel it coming, and I would shove it back down. People asked me questions, and I would answer, and it was very robotic. I felt like I was talking to a nurse, and giving a medical history report. Looking back.....it's just weird. What is wrong with me? I finished with telling about how difficult it has been, because of Cecilia having her baby so close to the time that I lost Ellie, so when I see her baby, I think of what mine should be doing, and things like that. THEN, the 2 L&D nurses there, knew exactly who we were, just by mentioning Lincoln and Cecilia's name. HA! They didn't really say anything to us, or treat us badly or anything at all. You could just see it click, when we brought it up, and then the big, "OOHH!". HA! That was a funny moment of the meeting.
The next 2 hours, I listened to everyone talk about random things, some had to do with the loss of their babies, and some of it had to do with how they are using their experience to help others. At one point, we talked about if we would have more kids, or try to have more kids. The LDS woman and I both said that we were trying. A few of the other ladies looked at us like they couldn't even get their heads around having another child so soon. HA! Just different I guess. There came a point in the meeting where I guess I just got on one of my tangents, about my heart being grateful for the trials in my life, because of the testimony builder that they have been for me, and the opportunities to serve others have been astounding. I bore my testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel, and that without this experience, I wouldn't have experienced some AMAZING things. I have been given so many heavenly gifts. I feel almost undeserving of such wonderful insight, regarding my daughter. These things that my Father has shown me and given me, have filled my soul with such gratitude and relief, that I feel like I'm just floating through life, lately. As I spoke, there was a woman there that was listening so hard. She hung on everything I said. Maybe she is just one of those people that, when a person talks, they give you their undivided attention, or maybe she actually felt something, as I was going on and on. Whatever it was, she was staring at me so hard, I felt like it was just her and I in a room, and were just talking, and she was just taking in everything. It was amazing.
As the meeting came to a close, the woman running the meeting, offered everyone papers to take home, that had information about grieving and things like that, and told everyone to take a rose, that was in a vase on the table. Allan and I walked out, and sort of chatted about if we liked it or not, and if we'd come back. As we got out to the car, the LDS woman (Ugh, still can't remember her name.) met us, and we chatted a bit longer. I think it was nice to talk to someone who understood fully where you were coming from, with regards to your beliefs and things like that. She felt a lot of the same things that I did, and it was so nice. I felt some sort of peace that I was kind of normal-ish.
After reflecting on the meeting, and talking about it with the very few people who asked, who knew we were going, I came to realize how grateful I am for the church, and how I DO know it's true, and how much it has strengthened me during this time in my life. I do not think Heavenly Father did this to me, to teach me any lessons (maybe he did), that I did anything wrong and this is why it happened. I think this is a part of Earthly life, and it's our choice to handle it one way or another. So many times, people ask why did this happen to me, to Heavenly Father. Living on Earth, in this temporal life, there will be things that we are tested with, but then, there will be other things that are just part of life. Nothing that God did to us, just part of life. Simple as that. However, even if it is just part of life, we still have a choice. Do we choose to go to our knees, pray and express our need for Him in our lives, or do we turn away from Him? With every experience, we have that choice.
I have so many people that tell me, a religion doesn't define who you are.......Those people are wrong. I believe now, my religion is the base of what I believe to be right and wrong. My religion, my belief in Heavenly Father, in the temple, in the atonement, in Jesus Christ, guides what I do every minute of every day, without ever realizing it. I make the choice every minute of every day, and most of the time, it's so easy anymore, I don't even realize I'm doing it. Sometimes I feel like I take the great blessings I'm given every minute of every day, for granted, because I don't pay attention. But, to cut myself some slack, who could? We are blessed so much. After this group, I feel so much more blessed, than ever. I know what my purpose is, I know where I'm going, and I know how I can get there. I don't know why I realized this from that meeting, but it was the defining thing I learned from that experience.
In the end, I am glad that I faced a fear that I had. I am grateful for a husband who sometimes knows what I need, and pushes me to it. I think we will go back, if they'll have us. HA! I can rant pretty good. We'll see how the next month a bit plays out I guess. One day at a time.
1 comment:
Laurie, what a beautiful testimony you have. I am so grateful that you can see a purpose in your trails and that you are overcoming them!
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