Timing Issues

During this whole pregnancy, we have been trying to avoid a lot of difficult timing. When we figured out my due date, and that the doctors wanted me delivered, we knew it would come close to Ellie's first birthday. Luckily, Dr. Dalley wanted me delivered by 34-35 weeks. However, about a month ago, I changed my mind and asked to wait until 36 weeks, give the baby a better chance to be healthier and avoid needing any assistance. It would put me closer to Ellie's first birthday, but it still wouldn't be close to being on her birthday. Turns out, it really is true that when you have a birth plan, it always goes the opposite way of what you wanted.

I was informed a few weeks ago, I would have to have an amniocentesis, even though I was waiting until a later date. So, I was petrified to have the amniocentesis, and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be........but lets just say, I would definitely not want to do that ever again. HA! We had previously scheduled a tentative date for induction the following day. However, I got the results from Dr. Dalley, while at her office that afternoon, and it showed that his lungs weren't mature enough to be delivered, so Dr. Vo asked us to wait a week and then go ahead and deliver me. Dr. Dalley watched me try not to cry, and just kept saying she was sorry, over and over. I thought it was sweet that she felt so bad for me, and at the same time, I wanted to scream at her and argue my point, that I was so scared that something would happen to this baby at 37 weeks too, just like Eleanor. But instead, I said, it's ok, and tried to stay calm. TRIED. In the meantime, she got on the phone and scheduled my induction date of Thursday, January 26, 2012. As she was talking to me about being monitored every 2 dates, and all of the what to do's, I zoned out, and knew that date was 3 days after my baby girl's first birthday. My head was reeling over what we should do for her birthday, or if we should do anything. 

After I left, I was bawling. I just cried and cried. I was so petrified that in a weeks time, I would lose this baby too. I just wanted him here. I would do whatever it took, but I wanted him out now. Not because I'm tired of being pregnant, or uncomfortable, or anything like that. I just wanted him to be out, and I knew he would be ok. But now, I'm faced with a huge fear. Having this child being born at 37 weeks, almost exactly, 1 year, to the day, of the last child I lost, at 37 weeks. I cried to Allan, and he expressed his disappointment, but said he knew it would be ok. I wish I was so sure.

Tomorrow, I go into the hospital to do a Non-Stress test that was scheduled for me, and I can't help but hope I go into labor while I'm there. I know I won't, but I just want him to be out, while I know he's ok. I have never experienced this kind of fear before. It's a desperate fear. And not for myself, but for the child inside of me. I've never met this child, but I've finally allowed myself to feel excited for his arrival, and I'm scared that because I'm  excited, that he'll be taken away from me too. 

Monday is my Eleanor's birthday. I wish I was bringing her little brother to visit her too, but I won't be able to. But maybe that's best, because then I can focus on her, and remember that special day of hers. It'll just be a day for her. 

I hope that everything turns out ok, and this little man will make his appearance, healthy and strong. And I can't help but hope that his big sister her mother, missing her, while giving her a little brother, and is proud that I'm her mother. I hope I am the strong mother that she and my other children will be proud of one day, when they read these postings. For now, I can't wait for the moment to hold my baby boy, after he's been born, and feel that sweet moment, and feel that pride in myself for facing my fears and coming out on the other side, knowing I did it, and knowing that I can do anything if I want to, even if I'm scared. Some of the most amazing moments come out of us all facing our fears head on, and really trying to put our trust in God and in ourselves.

(Not my best posting. But I'm tired, have major heart burn and the baby's foot is in my sternum, I think. So I'm slightly distracted, but you get the idea. HA!)