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| Eleanor Beverly Rogers, January 23, 2011, born at 1:15p, 6lbs 15oz, 20.5 inches |
Last night, preparing ourselves for today, Allan and I layed in bed, recounting the hours that led up to me going to the hospital, to find out my little baby girl, had passed away. I could remember everything as if it was taking place all over again. I remembered the feeling of slight panic when I was trying everything I could, at home, to make her move.....drinking, eating, poking her, but nothing worked. I didn't want to worry Allan, because I thought she was just sleeping, and being lazy, but Allan insisted I go to the hospital. I remember showing up, and seeing everyone's faces as they watched the nurse check her out, and then the ultra sound tech check her out. I remember no one saying anything to me, as I watched the small screen, knowing what I was looking at, and knowing what they didn't want to say. I remember the beam of the ceiling running over my bed in triage, and just staring at it, as I called my husband to tell him. I remember every milestone of the induction, labor and birth, and always saying, "I'm not ready for this." I remember feeling like it was finally time to go home, handing her over to the nurse, and leaving her. I remember the hug at the car, from that very same nurse, and me wanting to cry as hard as I could, and not allowing myself to. I didn't want to leave her there. I was still worried if she would be ok alone. Finally, I remember driving home, that same night, in silence, opening the door to my dark, empty house, sitting on the couch, and just crying, with my husband holding me as tightly as he could possibly hold me.
Today, I woke up, after broken sleep all night long, and about 30 minutes into laying in bed with my kids and my husband, I started to cry again, staring at the chest we had bought for her things....the very few things we had of hers. Finally, I got up, showered, got myself ready for the day, and then made a mental list of everything I wanted to get before visiting her at the cemetary. I had everything planned out, as perfectly as I could get, for the situation. It was by far, not good enough, and not grand enough. It wasn't what I do for all of the other kids, and it just didn't seem fair......but it was all I could do for her, and for us. While I was getting the diaper bag ready, I was trying to tell Sarah what today was, and why it's important, and be excited. And Sarah, in her matter of fact, calm way said, "Mommy, now that she's 1, she gets to learn how to walk, and say words, and do all kinds of things! Because she's not a baby anymore!! Heavenly Father will teach her!" Ugh, I cried again, because she would be doing those things right now. Smart girl.
At about noon, we drove to the store, I picked up my items. While I did that, Allan ran and got lunch at Burger King for everyone, and off we went. We laid out a blanket, got all of our lunches out, and immediately, the kids were complaining it was cold, and it had started to sprinkle. Fitting, right? So bundled them up more, and had them eat and talked about Ellie. As we ate, and talked, it started to actually rain. Luke looked up at Allan and I, and said, "I think it rains because someone is sad." I thought he was right. So we decided to take out the cupcakes I had bought, tie the balloons and the toy elephant to the flower vase, and then sing happy birthday. As my family sang "Happy Birthday", I looked at Allan, he looked at me, and we just started to cry, as we listened to our 3 children sing to their baby sister. It was such a sweet moment, and I hope she was there, and was able to see how much her family loves and misses her.
We ate our cupcakes, and packed our things. As we did, I regretted that we couldn't take pictures, because of the rain. It was just raining too hard. So I grabbed my bag, so disappointed that I couldn't even take pictures of her first birthday, and we left. As we were putting the things in the car, I looked back at Sarah, to get her wet jacket, and throw it in the back, and her poor face was red, and she was trying not to cry. I asked her if she was ok, and she said, "I miss Ellie". I just said, "I know you do. I do too. You are such a great big sister, and I love you." That's all I could say. Poor sweet Sarah-Bear.
As we made the long drive home, and the kids were quiet in the car, I kept thinking of the day of her service, and wanting to just stay forever. Not wanting to leave her alone there. Today, as I was getting in the car, my husband hugged me, in almost the same spot 1 year ago, and I cried, and said, "I don't want to leave her". It's still just as hard to leave my baby girl alone there. As we drove, I remembered everything from the drive to Allan's parent's house, for the brunch in between the graveside and the service. I remembered the service, and walking around and talking to everyone, after the speaking, and trying to be happy, so no one was uncomfortable by the sad mom. I can't forget anything........and sometimes I want to.
Today was a difficult milestone. One I wish I never had to ever experience, but I do. My little family does. There are times where it's too much to bare, and I want it all to go away, I want to go away, and just run away from everything, but there are other times where I can't help but feel Heavenly Fathers love, especially on days like this, and feeling his arms wrapped around me again, telling me, "It'll all be ok. You're a good mom, and she knows you love her. She loves you too." I miss her so much that my whole body aches most days, but I know, eventually, I will get to hug her and snuggle her all I want. I will get to do that with all of my kids, eventually. I can't wait for that moment. For now, I will snuggle my kids at home, and imagine the day when I get to have them all together, with Allan and I. That'll be a good day.
Mommy loves you, my big 1 year old girl. Happy First Birthday!!
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