3 Weeks Passed

Well, it's been 3 weeks since I had our newest addition to the family, Elliott. How am I doing?? Um......I'm movin along. HA! I knew going into the pregnancy, that there would be a ton of emotions, and I could pretty much foresee what they'd be. It didn't help when it came time to deal with the emotions, but at least I knew about them. I, also, knew there would be a whole different set of emotions, after I had this little man, but I really had no idea what to expect. I didn't expect a lot of what has come.

3 weeks ago, I gave birth to Elliott, my 5th child. Every day, every half day, it's a different emotion. In the morning, I'm exhausted, because, most nights, I'm up all night (lately, it's gotten a bit better), and by the afternoon, I'm getting in the swing of things, and by the evening, I'm totally depleted of anything. In between those moments, during the only times I sit down all day, I feed Elliott. And when I get to sit with him, and feed him, that's when I am either extremely emotional, in a good way, and appreciative of him, and having him with us, OR, I get really sad, because I know I should've had these moments with Ellie. It's hard to manage these extreme differences in feelings, that come and go so quickly. It seems that the sad emotions linger longer than the happy ones, and I wish it were reversed.

When I was pregnant with Elliott, I felt as if I was carrying someone else's child. I did not bond with him, I had no feelings towards him.....I was guarded. I didn't want to feel anything for him, and then have him taken away from me, like the last time. However, I was so scared that after I had him, I would still feel that disconnect, and I didn't want that. Well, now he's here, and I'm still battling that. Life isn't as magical as it was when we got pregnant the first time, and we were excited, and didn't know everything that could go wrong. Now I know every possible thing that could go wrong, and I am afraid, still, that I will wake up one night, go check on him, and he won't be breathing anymore, or something will have happened to him. I'm still guarded. I don't want to fall in love, only to have it taken away again. BUT, I'm trying so hard to let go of that, and just love on him. I'm trying to pick out a few things that I just love about him. Lately, it's been his cheeks. For such a skinny little monkey, he has the cutest, squishiest cheeks. Also, I think it's hilarious that he sometimes sleeps with his mouth wide open. I've never seen a newborn do that, and it makes me laugh so hard. Finally, I love how hard he snuggles me. He always wraps one arm around my arm, laying on my chest, falls deeply asleep, but that arm is tight on my arm. It's so sweet to me.

However, with all of these sweet moments, I still have that fear. So, when I wake up with him at night, to feed him, I tend to stay in there much longer than needed, because I'm so scared that that moment will be the last I have with him. I'm trying to just go to bed when he falls back to sleep, instead of holding him, and sometimes falling asleep in the chair with him sleeping on me. For about a week, I was feeding him, and then just putting him back in his bed, when he fell asleep, but a few nights ago, I had a horrible dream that I walked in and he died in his sleep, so I've started all over again......GREAT!

All I can say, in regards to the bad things going on is, I'm trying really hard to figure out what helps me deal with those emotions and do something about it. I don't want to bury my head in the sand and pretend that it'll all go away eventually. I want to face those things, and deal with it. But sometimes it's so hard. Not easy, still dealing with the death of your baby girl, to then turn around and try to be ok with your new baby boy. We knew it was the right thing, to have him so quickly after losing Ellie, but it doesn't make it any easier. Sometimes the right things to do, are the hardest and lonliest things to do.

Another thing I've felt guilty about is, I haven't had any time to slow down and take any pictures of Elliott. I feel horrible about that. All of my other kids, except Eleanor, have a gazillion pictures of them by now. But, with him, along with the other kids, I have zero time to just do something fun, like that. So, the other night, our amazing, and good friend Scott, and his girlfriend Maria, came over and had dinner with us. He offered to take some pictures of him for us while he was over. Ugh, they are stinkin cute!!! I was so happy he was willing to do that for us, because I have had this mountain of guilt that I haven't done it myself. They mean the world to me, and they turned out so adorable. I can't thank him enough for all of the pictures he's taken of our family. I know he knows how much it means to me.

Another thing that happened was, a friend came over and was talking to Allan about her dealings with Postpartum depression, and had asked if I was having any issues with that. He told her that with Taylor, I had a bit of a problem with it, but none with the other kids. So that night at dinner, he was telling me about the conversation, and asked how I was doing with this one, and if I thought I was having any problems regarding that. I thought about it for a bit, and realized, I'm kind of always depressed, with dealing with losing Ellie, here and there, and now with the new one coming, that kind of adds to the reminders of her and what we missed, that it would be so hard to figure out if it's postpartum or just a bit of depression from losing a child. I'm not sure how you differentiate. I guess you can't really, huh?

Finally, today came......and thank heavens, has almost gone. It was not one of my finest days. Allan and I had a bit of a tiff, regarding..........ugh, I don't even know anymore. I think it was about if I was being snappy. HA! Stupid, I know. Plus, the van was broken. We had a mechanic coming over to fix it, but I was getting annoyed because Allan wanted me to deal with talking to the guy, however, I can't with screaming kids all around me, and never stopping long enough to make the phone call. On top of that, the kids were on me like white on rice, all day, asking for everything under the sun, and then screaming at me, when I wouldn't give it to them, or couldn't give it to them. Finally, I had to take the 3 boys, out in the cold, when it was sprinkling, on a walk to pick up Sarah from school, because I had no car. Then on the way home from school, Sarah tells me that she's missing Ellie today. One thing, she said, that makes her miss her more is Elliott's name. Ugh, knife to the heart, that I chose that name, and it effects her like that sometimes. I can't disagree with her. So we talked the whole way home about it, and she seemed to feel a little better.

 I felt like, the whole day, I was on the verge of crying. I felt the ball in my throat all day long, and I knew, if one more thing happened, I was gonna sit down and bawl, and maybe never get up again. I felt like, no matter what I did, I was always going to be 10 steps behind. Before I had Elliott, I was a pro at going and going, but now, I feel like I've been stopped in my tracks, and I can't move. Granted, it's only been a few weeks, but sometimes I feel like people....myself...and my husband.....yea, mostly us...have forgotten that, and expect me to do everything I was doing before, as quickly as I was doing them before, and be everywhere and everything, and I just can't do it all. I can't keep up, and it makes me feel like I'm letting everyone down, and myself.

I wish things, after 3 weeks, were a bit more settled and a bit more happy.....but right now, everything's been turned up side down and chaotic, and I'd like to never leave my house ever again (I'm sure the laundry pile would appreciate that). I'm hoping, in another 2 weeks, I'll have a better handle on everything, emotional demands, and physical demands. I know things will get better, I just have to keep workin for it, and eventually it'll be better.