Just Last Week

I've been having a really difficult time lately......that's putting it mildly. Unfortunately, my husband has been taking the brunt of it all. With everyone else, I don't bring it up. With him, I don't bring it up, but I'm annoyed, angry and frustrated. About what? It feels familiar, really. We are in the middle of a move (which is happening next weekend, by the way), and I have 4 small kids, a large extended family, that all needs help and attention too, and I just had a miscarriage last week.

I gave myself a time limit to be depressed and mopey about losing the pregnancy. I lost the baby on a Tuesday, and gave myself until that Thursday to mope about it, and be depressed, because Friday, I had to get up and keep moving with life. I have way too much going on to just sit around feeling sorry for myself. Unfortunately, it didn't work this time. Things need to get done, and I don't want to do it. I have 4 kids to take care of, and make happy, and I don't want to. I have a whole house to get packed up, and moved, but I don't want to. Life is moving on, and I don't want any part of it. I went to the hospital yesterday, to get my Rhogam shot, and I saw Lisa there. She actually gave me the shot. I couldn't even say anything to her. I wouldn't let myself do anything but have a smile on my face. Everything's fine......it always is.......except when it's not. However, no one knows that but me. I don't know why I shut down and pull away when I hurt.

This whole week, and most of last week, Allan has been trying to work, and take care of me, and the kids while packing the house. I am instantly defensive when I see him doing laundry, or packing up things, or changing a diaper, or making dinner. I know I can do it, and should be doing it, but I can't. When he asks me things, instead of just answering him, I yell at him, or get an attitude with him. When he tells me I beautiful, or hugs me, or wants to give me a kiss, I pull away or argue that I'm not what he thinks I am. I think I'm fat, ugly, and defective. He is the person that loves me the most. He is so understanding, so sweet, so loving, and so patient with me, and I hate myself for reacting that way to him.

Allan has been wanting me to go out with him, or us to go out with friends or family, or even me to just go out with a friend, and the idea of me going out with anybody, or just being around other people, makes my skin crawl. I just want to be alone. I just want to be home. I don't want to be around anyone, and have to fake that smile, and fake that sanity. I don't want to lie to people, and tell them that I appreciate their kind words, and it's ok. People text, or email me, and I don't want to answer them, either. The same feelings, of when I lost Ellie, have crept back in, and it's hard to fight. I get frustrated with myself that this is effecting me so much. I don't have time to mope around, feeling sorry for myself, but it's all my mind and my body want to do.

How do I really feel? It hurts so much. It's indescribable (except if you read my blog previously, it's about like that but a bit less). When I got pregnant this time, things were going really good. I was happy in our family, our kids were trying hard to be good, and I was feeling like I was just happy with my progress in life. Then we had the opportunity to move, and we decided it was the best for our family, especially since there would be a new addition. But even that came too easy, in my mind. After we decided to move, I was constantly paranoid there would be a problem. I was waiting for something to go wrong. Just 3 days before the miscarriage, I finally got used to everything, and talked myself out of the feelings I was having. I told myself I needed to be more positive, and it'll all be fine and work out great, and I will be happy that this all happened at this time........but it didn't work out great, and I'm not too happy about it. I was right. Something was going to go wrong. And as soon as I knew that I was going to lose the pregnancy, all of the same feelings of losing Ellie came back, but almost twice as strong. I was harder on myself this time. I blamed myself, even more, this time. And that feeling of embarrassment, it came back too. For a week now, I have walked through the days with a lump in my throat, trying not to cry, with my whole body. Trying not to yell and scream and be mad.

I know I will be ok. And I know that I can't just move on from this, after everything else we've been through, and everything we are currently dealing with. I know I'm better than these feelings, and I know I'm stronger than these feelings. And I have to really remember, this was just last week, not last month, or last year. I need to stop feeling frustrated with myself that I'm not feeling better. I, especially, need to stop comparing this miscarriage to Ellie's death. Is this any harder? No. Is this any easier? No. It's different than losing her. But I'm different too, from when I lost her. Before, I didn't know those things. I didn't know I could get through it, and come out better, wiser, stronger and happier. Now, I do. I just have to give myself the proper time, for me. And apparently, 3 days is not long enough.