I'm not gonna lie, this last week was a bit, or a lot, hard on me. I was so frustrated, and so down, and I was really afraid of myself. I didn't know how I was going to get out of the funk I was in, however, I wouldn't let anyone see it. I go back to trying to be the good example to everyone else, and say, "It's ok" and "I'm ok" and "My back hurts, but I'm ok otherwise" (that was the big one this time around), so as to not make people worry that I'm going to break at any moment. In reality, I was gonna break at any moment, especially after I went in to have my blood drawn, to check my levels.
On Friday morning, I went in to Dr. Dalley's office, just to have my blood drawn, to check my levels, to make sure they're going down. I had to bring the kids in, with me, which is a whole other nightmare. The boys were amazing, and sat down and didn't say a word, while they played their video games. I quickly got my blood drawn, and walked out. Dr. Dalley was standing there, working on something. I asked her if I needed to have my Rhogam shot, and she filled out the slip for that. I asked her when I'd know the results of the blood work, and she said Monday or Tuesday. She then went on to tell me that my quant was 23,000, the day I came in, the first time. I didn't know what that number meant, so she told me that it was MUCH higher than she was expecting, and that if it didn't go down significantly, then I would have to have a d&c. That hurt. We left the office, and drove home. I got home, the kids started playing their games, and I went and crawled into bed, and just started crying. I didn't want a d&c. I promise, I wasn't throwing a temper tantrum. What hurt was that, I had lost Ellie a year and a half ago, I had an amazing baby boy 1 year after I had her, and then got pregnant, unexpectedly, 5 months later. I had just gotten used to the idea of another baby coming, and was even excited to see this new little bean, the day of the appointment. Instead, I lost another one. And to add insult to injury, now I have to have this?! I feel like I can handle a lot, but this little thing, has started to send me over the edge. As if I didn't feel like I was being picked on already, now it's confirmed. I am the ant, that the little boy is trying to burn with a magnifying glass. (Yes, I'm having a bit of a pitty party. Just keep reading, it gets better, I promise.)
Saturday night, I went walking with Amy, and finally laughed and was silly, talking about her Mexico trip and someone tp'ing her house (she mostly tried to blame me for TP'ing her house, even though I didn't), and then we got to talk about what was going on, and how I was feeling about it all. I told her everything that was going on with the move, and everything that was going on with the doctor, still maintaining the down played attitude.....everything is fine....right? Luckily, she is learning that I am a dang liar when it comes to "I'm fine". She told me about her experience having a d&c, and told me it's no big deal, and tried to make light of it. Gonna be honest, I felt a little bit better. I came home from our 2 hour walk, and was finally happy again.
Sunday, as I was getting ready for church, I remembered everything that had been done for us this last week. Norma brought us dinner, made by her and Chellie, and sat and chatted for a while that night, along with her sending texts almost everyday, asking how I was feeling. We had 2 men from church come over and give me and Allan priesthood blessings, at the urging from my sweetest Tammy. The men were so sweet, and so loving, and really cared about us. Tammy sent over her husband to help us move our garage, with help from my mom, the day of my first appointment with Dr. Dalley, the day after I miscarried. She also called to check on me, and express her love and concern for me. Amy's boys also came over to help out the whole day, during their own summer vacation, and were so happy to help out. Gaylene came over and brought us treats, out of the blue. So many people have been emailing and calling, from church, just to see how we are doing. Not to mention, Lisa has allowed me to message her about every 5 minutes, and give her updates, and she's just always been there with a response of encouragement. Along with that, I have had so many emails of love and support from other amazing friends, and some friends I've never met, but read my blog. So, as I was getting ready for church, remembering all of the amazing friends that I have, at church and outside of church, I couldn't help but think about the move, and how sad it will be to leave all of these amazing people that have helped me so much. In that moment, though, I realized, I have a wonderfully special bond with the people at church, and I won't be leaving them. I will still talk to them here and there, and I will still make an effort to keep in touch with them. They will still always love and support me, be there, whenever I need them. But, I had never told them of the impact they've had on me, and my family, and how much I loved them.
At church, it was fast and testimony meeting. If you don't know what that is, after sacrament (taking the bread and water), we are given the rest of the meeting hour to bare our testimony, or to tell what we know to be true, in regards to the gospel. I don't usually bare my testimony, because that's a lot of people, and I start shaking like a leaf, and can't get any words out that make any sense. So I sat there, listening to everyone else get up. Then, Gaylene got up. Gaylene is one of the 2 women that I hold so dear to my heart. Amy is the other. These 2 women were the women I worked with when I first got called to be a leader in Young Women's, at church. They were older than me and were going through their own trials. But they taught me really what kind of woman I wanted to be, what kind of wife I should be for my husband, and what kind of mother I needed to be. They taught me how to do that, just by their sweet, amazing examples. They were the 2 women, at church, that made a huge impact on me when I lost Ellie. They came over so often, and never let me feel like I was alone. They really did change my life. There were others that helped me in other ways, that I hold close to me. Anyways, Gaylene got up to bare her testimony, and spoke with such sweetness and love, as she usually does. She is just a wonderful woman. Following her, I decided to get up, and make the long walk to the podium. Brother Pierce raised the stand.....cause I'm taller than most people, of course...and we laughed. I was shaking so bad. But I finally was able to express my love for our ward, and thank them for support and friendship during this trial and the loss of Ellie, and how much I will miss them. I spoke about those 2 ladies that really did change the direction of my grieving, and was able to thank them for that. I told them about what I KNEW to be true, and finally said my amen's and sat down. Ugh, that felt so good.
Last night, we went to our family dinner, and it was great as always. Cliff, my father in law, and I were left alone for a bit, and he told me how sorry he was that we lost the pregnancy. It was a sweet, quiet moment. I don't have a lot of them with him, but it always makes a huge impact on me when we do. I actually did look at him, and say, "Thank you. It was hard, but it's ok. It really is." I went on to tell him what I learned out of the experience. I told him that I am at a place where I am grateful for trials. I really am. It sounds weird. But I am grateful for the bad things, because without those bad things, I wouldn't have the knowledge that I do, of our Father in Heaven, and where my daughter is, what she's doing and what she is like, along with what she looks like. I wouldn't have the testimony of the gospel, like I do. I wouldn't have this joy that I have. I told him that it still hurts, but that I'm able to catch myself, when I'm in those dark moments, and say, "Ok, we've done this long enough. It's time to stand up, and take care of business. Life isn't going to stop, and I need to smile, and find the good." I told him about a special experience, during the blessing I had this last week. When the 2 men were blessing me, I began to quietly cry, and feel sad that this was happening, and I felt my Heavenly Father's arms around me, like when I lost Ellie, saying, "It's ok. I've got you. Trust me." I know that my Father in Heaven is always there with me, anytime I ask for him, anytime I need him. I have learned that even when it seems bad, it's not. There is so much good in my life, so many blessings, and I have learned to stop myself and find those many blessings that I have been privileged to have in my life. From the people, my children, my family, to my amazing husband. I finally feel like it really is ok, and it always will be. It was a special moment to me, to be able to share that with him, and have him show how proud he was of me, for taking these horrible, difficult experiences, and finding the good.
It was a wonderful weekend. Even in the midst of darkness, there is always light. I just have to look for it. It's pretty easy to see when you really want to find it. I love all of the people in my life. Every person that has come into my life, good and bad, has changed it in some way, and I have grown because of those people. I'm excited to see what new things, and people come along, to learn from. I hope to not lose many of the people that I already know, though.
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