Fast Changes

Just when I was trying to change my attitude, and not wait for things to go wrong, when things are going well.......something actually goes wrong. We've made a few fast decisions for our family, but we feel like they are the best for us, and we both feel really good about it......and then it happened. The something.

Last week, we were approached to rent a much larger house, giving us the opportunity to rent out our own house. We've always wanted to have a rental property, and we thought this would be a good house for that.  But, we were given 24 hours to decide. With a bit of hesitation, we jumped. We decided that this is the perfect time for this, with a new baby on the way, and Allan working from home now, and making a bit more money, it makes sense. Things were working out perfectly! A little too perfect. I am not naturally a positive person. I'm not pessimistic, however, I do always look at all of the angles, and try to look at everything that could go wrong, and plan for those things. I'm a planner. Haha!

Yesterday, we went to the doctors, for our first OB appointment, to finally see how far along I was. The night before, I had some brown spotting, but figured it was the implantation bleeding. So I didn't worry about it, and went walking with Amy. There was no more spotting, and I assumed I was right. Well, today, when we got to our doctors appointment, we had to reschedule for the next day. When we left, I went to the restroom, and found out it had started again. I then started getting stressed and started crying. But, I decided to keep an eye on it, and I knew I would see her the following day, so it would be fine. That afternoon, the bleeding got heavier and turned to a red color, along with passing clots. and I knew this pregnancy wasn't gonna last. I did call my doctor and they called me back. I followed their instructions, but it didn't make a difference, and I knew it wouldn't. By 1:00a, after a lot of bleeding, everything started to subside, and calm down. I finally fell asleep.

Today, I went to the doctors. She did an ultra sound, and it looked like I had passed almost everything last night. She had me draw some blood and gave me some instructions. I was pretty much numb the whole way home. We didn't say much, and we didn't cry. I don't know how I feel. The doctor said that it didn't look like this one was gonna work out from the beginning. So I should take comfort in knowing that I didn't do anything wrong......but that would be too easy for me. Allan cried the first day. I hugged him, and cried too. But, I cried because I felt so bad that I had failed, again. He wanted a girl so bad. He was starting to get used to the idea of another one, and we were both getting excited. But, I failed, because my body failed. That thought will be something that I feel forever. I felt that with the loss of Ellie, and I do with this one. When I hugged Allan, I just said, "I'm sorry". He felt bad that I thought I needed to apologize, but its how I felt.

I'm still pretty weak, and sore, but nothing I can't get through. We have to trust that Heavenly Father knows the bigger plan, and it'll be OK, and we will learn from this and come out better, and stronger because of it. We always do. But, that thought will still nag me. The statement of, "I'm sorry", after both miscarriages, and then the loss of Ellie, will always be there. I know I can get better, I just need time. Unfortunately, time is not a huge luxury I have. But I will get there.