I Am Full

I woke up extra early this morning, for no reason, really. My eyes popped open at a blistering 5:30a. My first thought was of my little baby girl, Eleanor. I instantly started getting teary. I couldn't help the promptings, so I got out of bed, got showered, dressed, and ready for an early morning. at 6:00a, Sarah, Luke and Taylor came stumbling in, as they always do. I told Sarah to hurry and get ready for school. She was confused, and wondered why we weren't having breakfast first. I told her I had a surprise for them, so they needed to hurry and get dressed.

We left the house at 6:45a, with a packed breakfast full of grapes, apples, and some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (Yea, it's a weird breakfast, but whatever.), and a bottle for Elliott. We drove for about 5 minutes, and pulled into the cemetery, and parked. I got everyone out of the car, and spread out a blanket, next to my Ellie's grave. We had breakfast all together. The kids were so excited to do something a little bit different, and have all of their siblings together. Sarah kept saying that she loved having breakfast with her sister. She really misses her, and wishes, almost every day, that she had a baby sister.

As I sat back on the bench, and watched my 5 children together, in the setting that we were in, it would've been easy to be gloomy, and wish for what wasn't there........but it was there. Just not in a traditional sense. This is normal for us, now. I sat there, and I couldn't help but get on my knees, and pray to my Father, and thank him for all of my amazing blessings, and my love for Him. I sat back down on the bench, and watched my kids eat, laugh, talk, and run around together.

Sitting there, at the cemetery  with my 5 children, under the golden, early morning, sky, I couldn't help but be grateful for everything in my life. I am grateful for the trials in my life, and for the experiences that I have had. I am grateful to feel my Heavenly Fathers love for me, as I go through some of the toughest trials a mother can go through. I am grateful to feel his loving arms, pick me back up, and hug me, as I cling for dear life in a depression. I am grateful for my husband, for being the love of my life, through good times and bad, in sickness and in health. We have really tested that, and he has stuck through it all with me, supporting me and lifting me up, exactly when I need it. He has pushed me and challenged me, and made me grow as a person. He is my partner, for eternity, and I couldn't be any happier. I am grateful for my amazing parents, and step-parents, along with my parents-in-law, as they have all been so loving and supportive of us. I am grateful for the acquaintances in my life, because those brief moments in passing, have meant the world to me.

I am grateful for my friends, who, most live hundreds, if not thousands of miles away. I can feel their love, encouragement, support, and prayers, even from there. Finally, I am grateful for my 3 best friends. My sister, Cassie, Heather and Amy. These three ladies have always been there for me in more ways than any friend is ever required to be. They have shown me true love, compassion and sisterhood.

My sister has always been my protector. She has always been someone that I look up to, and wanted to emulate. Not only is she beautiful, but, she is a strong woman, who knows exactly what she wants, and isn't afraid to go after it. I admire her spunk and her spirit, and I love the fact that she isn't afraid to tell you EXACTLY what she thinks. She always challenges my opinion, and tries to get me to consider all sides. She always wants the best for me, and wants me to do my best, in everything that I do. She is supportive of everything that I do, even if they are things that she may not agree with. I am grateful for her example to me, as we have grown up, and I am especially grateful for the special friendship that we have made as women.

I met Heather almost 10 years ago, at our annual Memorial Day Rogers' breakfast. She has always been there for me, and been an amazing friend. My McDonalds Buddy, as we call each other. But, I got even closer to her when I lost Ellie. She constantly emailed and called and texted me, checking on me. But when my sister had to go home, my sister stopped her, and asked her to continue checking up on me, every day, and be there for me. Heather has done just that, every day for 2 years. Even through her move and having babies, she always managed to check up on me. She always made sure I knew she was there for me, and always made sure I was being honest about my feelings, with her. She has always tried to keep my attitude positive, and help me find the eternal perspective. Heather and I have known each other for a long time. It's hard to put into words the reasons why I love her so much, but, I just do.

Amy, I met only about 3 years ago, through church. She became a great example to me, of a wife and mother that I would like to be. She and I bonded closer, after the loss of Ellie. She is someone that I also talk to, almost daily. I'm not sure why I bonded with her so much, except for the fact that she is freaking amazing!! Really, have you ever met people, that you would never think you would be close to, and those people become your best friends?? She's kind of like that. We just fit. She helps me remember my Father in Heaven. She encourages me to do more, and be better as a mother. She is honest with me about everything. She always challenges me, and gives me a different perspective. She is non judgmental about anything and everything that I say, or do. She has made me want to be a better person, and a better daughter of God.

Someone told me that as you get older, you can't change. I believe the exact opposite. I believe, at any age, you can always change. These 3 ladies are all completely different women, but these three ladies have changed me, completely, in the last 2 years, especially. They have softened me. They have guided me. They have made me smarter. They have made me, and continue to make me, into the woman that I am, and hope to become. I believe that everyone that enters my life, has changed me, and continues to change me. Those people that have only been in my life for one week, to the people who have been in my life since birth. Those are the people that have molded me, and continue to mold me into the person that I am.

My Heavenly Father has blessed me with an amazing husband, amazing, and fun children, wonderful parents, all of them, and beautiful friends, to help me navigate this, sometimes, messy life. With all of His blessings, I can't help but be grateful for the trials in my life, and the knowledge of what is to come, in this life, and after. That perspective, helps me get out of the depression, sometimes, and feel the warm sun on my face, feel the love in my heart and hear the laughter and happiness all around me. I miss my Ellie Bean, but I love the time that I had with her, and the knowledge that my Heavenly Father blessed me with, of knowing what she looks like, what she feels like, what she smells like, who she is, and what she is doing. I cannot wait to have my eternal family come together again.

As we packed up to take Sarah to school, after our impromptu breakfast, I turned to get in the car, carrying Elliott in my arms, and watching the 3 older kids race to the car door, I turned around, back towards Ellie's grave. I thought, "I can't wait for the day, when ALL of my children will be together again, racing each other, in the same direction, instead, of being split up. I can't wait to have them all surround me, giving me hugs. I can't wait for Sarah to, finally, have her sister, and have that hole in her heart filled. I can't wait for our children to be together for eternity."

Today, while my eyes are full of tears, my heart is full of love, gratitude and happiness.