Something for Her

As many of you know, I attend a bereavement group for infant loss through stillbirth, miscarriage, or otherwise. Every year, they sponsor the "Walk to Remember", in October. It's a beautiful event created to honor our angel babies, and their families. At a few of the meetings, before the event, we all get together, and create squares for a quilt that will be made. Each square is made by a family of the baby that was lost. It usually has their name on it, and is specially decorated just for that baby. This year, I was honored because I got the privilege of making this amazing quilt.

I have made A LOT of quilts, over the years, and little does anyone know, each quilt I have made has a story. There is a reason I used a certain fabric, or designed a quilt a certain way, and reason why all of those elements were added for the specific person that that blanket went to. I have a story for each quilt. Each quilt is very special to me, and usually I don't share the stories, because, well.....I don't want to sound silly. HAHA! But, for this quilt, I was urged by a friend to share the story behind it. (Thanks Amy!)

So, a month ago, I was asked to make the quilt for the Walk to Remember. I immediately had an idea for the pattern. I wanted it all white, with just hollow squares of different colors of scrap fabric. I wanted to put the families squares in the center of the hollowed squares, and.....that was it. So, I went home, and drew up what I wanted, and went to work!

This quilt was a special blanket. When Ellie died, I was devastated when I had to come to terms with the fact that I just couldn't make her a quilt to be buried with before her service. Instead, I decided to BUY her a baby blanket, to be buried with. I found one that I thought was ok, and a small blanket that matched, that I could keep. But, I've always wanted to make a blanket for her, just like her brothers and sisters. So, for 2 years now, I have been wanting to make her a blanket, and just put it in her memory chest, but I couldn't come up with anything that I wanted to do, that would do her short little life justice. When this project came up, I immediately thought of my Eleanor. I've always wanted her death to be turned into a positive thing. I wanted it to bring hope to others. I wanted to do service for others, so that she lived on, in that service. This project allowed me a little bit of that. Making this blanket allowed me to have some really special moments, only between my youngest daughter and I.

Ellie's square

After getting in touch with everyone that wanted to make a square, and going to all lengths to get them to me, I finally began sewing it all together. I had the best time I have ever had making a blanket. This was the first blanket I have ever made that I didn't have to pick out any seams, and the first time I didn't make any mistakes. Everything went flawlessly. This is also the first quilt that I was able to make a square for Ellie. One of the most amazing things that happened making this blanket was that I felt my daughter every moment that I picked up something to add to it. I felt her any time I started sewing on it. I felt her pride in me, for the work that I was doing, in her name, for these families, and this amazing group. I knew that she was so happy with how it turned out.

Making this blanket definitely came with its own emotional issues. I was experiencing a lot of anxiety, sadness, and depression. I was constantly worried that it wouldn't honor the families, and their angels. I was worried that Ellie wouldn't like it. After a while, I was even having a hard time saying that the top was finished. I felt like that crazy guy who kept building rooms onto his house, that went nowhere. I just didn't want to stop, because if I stopped, then I was afraid Ellie wouldn't be there anymore. I was afraid I would miss something that should've gone on there. I was dreading giving this away, because it felt like giving her away again. But, no matter the heart ache, the tears I cried over this, and the frustrations with it, I was so honored to make it, and so completely happy with the finished product. I am so blessed to be able to have the experiences I did.

So, with this blanket, I told my friend, I would write down the meanings of the things in the blanket, and why I did it. So, here goes:

Squares and sashing

Back of the quilt

The squares I made out of every different color I had in my stash. That is representative of the families. We are all from different backgrounds, different religious views, and different spaces in our lives. However, these special angels bind us all together. I chose to put the baby's squares in the center of the larger squares because I feel that we are all surrounding those children, loving them and honoring them. The baby's squares sit on top of a white square, showing that the baby is in Heaven. I chose to make the bulk of the quilt in white. The sashing is white, the borders are white, the backing is white, and most of the binding is white. The white signifies heaven. All of our babies have continued their journeys in Heaven. However, those special spirits are always around us, guiding us, loving us, and softening us, and I showed that by having the white surround the multi-color squares.

The header

The header I made purple, because that was the color the group chose to represent them on the invitations and throughout the event, this year. The lettering is yellow, like the invitations, also. I wanted to continue the purple around the whole quilt, because it shows that the organization is holding us all, helping us all, and loving all of the grieving families. I continued with another white border because again, those special spirits, and the Spirit of the Lord is guiding this organization to do the amazing work that they do for each one of us.

The binding

The binding, I actually thought about the whole month I was making this blanket. I couldn't come up with just the right colors, or patterns. Finally, I had it. I would leave it all white, with just patches of the colors in it, spread in uneven amounts around the whole blanket. In our lives, as a whole, there is so much more good than bad. These special families have experienced more heart ache and tragedy than most will ever, and its a grief that never goes away. However, they still find the good. For me, it's a reminder that the majority of life is so good, and heavenly even, and that sometimes, life just sprinkles on a little bit of bad, to teach us, to guide us, and to remind us. Sometimes bad things happen, to everyone. But, it takes the strong and exceptional, such as these beautiful families, to realize that there are blessings that come out of every bad thing handed to them.

Inside of the header, near the logo, there are items I have appliqued on. There is a bear, standing on some buttons, holding a red button. I put that because, not only is it cute, but because I feel like sometimes, as grieving parents, we look like that. We are all trying to balance our lives, our families, our friends, and our sanity, and sometimes we feel off balance, or even like we are going to fall. But, everyone in this group responds when needed, shares their stories and their feelings, reaches out a helping hand whenever called upon, and lifts us back up, and helps us find our balance again.

The hearts around the center square, each have 2 buttons under them, as if to hold them up. I put two there to represent a hug. Two arms reached around each one of us, hugging us, as we feel our hearts breaking, and two arms reached around our hearts, helping to heal them.

Finally, the giraffe. The giraffe is a personal thing. It reminded me of part of a logo I saw on folder I had gotten from Summerlin Hospital, after having one of my kids. But, it really hit me more when I realized that it also looked like the giraffe I would see once or twice a week at Sunrise Children's Hospital, when I would go take photos of my good friends baby who was born with an unexpected heart condition, and immediately upon arrival, had to have heart surgery. I went there, once or twice a week, sometimes more, to photograph their sweet baby boy, and document his condition for them, through photography. It was, now, my second favorite project. And I remember walking into the PICU, ringing the nurses station to be let in, and staring at their logo, that had a giraffe in it, on a flyer for 6 weeks, maybe longer. It was something I will never forget. So, I decided to add a bit of baby Daniel to the quilt, because, to me, he was a big part of my healing, and a big step into the direction of photography I really wanted to start doing. He really put me on the path of service, and doing something for other families, to help me heal, and bring back a positive attitude.

Baby Daniel just after surgery, 7 months ago! He's doing wonderfully now, and just a sweet, fun little baby boy!

So, that's the story of the quilt. To most, who don't read this, or haven't asked me about it, it will just be a blanket that someone made. But, to me, it will always mean so much more. To me, this blanket, and any blankets I get to make for this organization in the future, will be my sweet Eleanor's quilt that her mommy made just for her.

The finished quilt