Why Can't I?!

Over the last few months, I have been struggling to allow myself to grieve. I know it sounds silly. Ellie has been gone for 2 1/2 years now. I should be a pro at this! Right?.....In fact, no. I'm actually really really bad at it. "How can one be bad at grieving", you ask? Well, let me tell you. Last night, after an event for this, I realized how bad I really am at it!

Losing my daughter was the most difficult thing that I had ever dealt with, when it happened. I couldn't rationalize it. I couldn't categorize it. I couldn't organize it. And, I certainly couldn't clean up the mess that it left. If you know anything about me, you know that when I get stressed, sad, angry, nervous....whatever it is, I clean, and I organize things to death. If you come into my home, and it's spotless, I mean, even the toilets are clean (I hate cleaning the bathrooms! It's gross.), you should really be asking me what is wrong, because something is very wrong. HA! When I lost Ellie, the first 3 months after, my house has never been cleaner. But, I would cry. I would stop cleaning, collapse onto the floor, and cry.....Like the ugly cry. But, I would! I would talk about it, I would write about it, and then I would cry it out. 2 1/2 years later, I can say, losing her was not the hardest thing I've ever dealt with in my life. It was the aftermath of losing my baby. I lost her when I had 3 kids, I was a stay at home mom, my husband was switching jobs, we were moving, money was always tighter than we'd like, and Allan and I weren't doing so great. I had a lot.

As a mom, I had put these expectations on myself to be strong, take care  of everyone else, keep order in my life and everyone else's lives. Literally, my life revolved around everyone else in my home. When Ellie died, I switched modes a lot. I cried a few times in front of the kids, and it freaked them out. They didn't know what to do! "Mommy isn't supposed to break! Mommy is the one that fixes us when we break! Now what?!" I saw this panic on their faces, and in their actions, and I didn't want to bring MORE pain and fear into their little lives. So I stopped doing it in front of them. Then, I would only cry and talk to Allan. But, it was really stressing him out, because he's a man. He loves me. Men are fixers! Allan would get worried because I was still crying, and he can't fix the problem. He would give me simple advice, and pep talks about how I "just" needed to this and that, but it wasn't a simple problem, with a simple fix. So, I stopped crying in front of him. Now, stop and think about that for a second. I am a stay at home mom. I am MOM and a WIFE. If I've stopped doing that in front of the children, and stopped doing this in front of my husband, when do I do it? Those people are always around. I have no alone time allowing me to let these emotions out. I have no time to get it out, get my head on straight, and get back to life.

As most know, we got pregnant after about 4 months after having Ellie. Was it too soon, I don't know. It is when we felt it was right for us, and when the Lord told us it was time for him to come. During that time, I really pushed emotions down. Being pregnant again was.......undescribeable. Fear does not cover that experience, after having a stillborn. So, now I have 9 months of not dealing with these emotions. After having Elliott, I thought that it was time finally, but then having a newborn, and 3 kids still dealing with the loss of their sister, and really, disappointment that the new baby wasn't a girl, and a husband constantly wondering if we made the right decision in having this new baby, made me feel like maybe it's not the right time to add something else into the mix. In the mean time, I was still attending the bereavement group meetings, and I would get teary there, here and there, listening to others talk about their children. But that was it. After Elliott was about 6 months old, maybe. I can't remember. Anyways, Allan decided to change jobs, and he started working from home, for Adobe. That sounds wonderful to everyone out there, I'm sure! It did to me. Little did I know what this job would mean! It meant that Allan would be gone for sometimes a week at a time, back to back weeks. If that all wasn't enough, I learned I was pregnant again. I was thrilled. I wanted just one more child. When we found out I was pregnant again, we were presented with an opportunity to rent out our home, and move into a bigger home, that could fit our entire family, plus give Allan a much needed office, that he didn't currently have. It was across town, and would mean leaving what we were comfortable with, but we felt like it was best for our family. So, I was newly pregnant, with a husband with a new job, and constantly traveling, 4 kids, arranging for renters, and packing up a house. Then, the nail in the coffin hit.......I miscarried one night. I miscarried at 12 weeks, after coming home from an appointment that the doctor couldn't keep. I remember telling my husband, standing in the kitchen, and he cried. This is when it all changed for me, and I couldn't cry anymore. This is when I switched it all off. I hugged him, standing in that kitchen, surrounded by all of the packed boxes, in our almost empty house, and said, "I'm sorry", over and over again. I didn't cry. My beautiful friend, Amy, came over, with her husband, to bring us more boxes that they had collected from their places of work, and she came upstairs into our room where I was laying, and just layed in bed with me for almost 20 minutes, talking. I didn't cry. I felt bad that I was causing this disappointment by my third lost baby, and I didn't' want to make them feel any worse by crying. So, I stayed strong. Stayed positive, and just kept saying, "Oh, it's ok. It's just one of those things. The doctor said it looked to be just a natural thing, not anything else." I rationalized it, and I didn't feel it. And then, 2 days later, I got out of bed, got dressed, and started working again. I became mom again, I was the mover, I was the person taking care of it all, and I never went back.

So, now 2 1/2 years later, I go to these events for Pregnancy and Infant Loss, every year. And the other families are sobbing. The other families are doing things for their children, and feeling it, and are in the moment. And I'm doing it, and I'm helping my kids do them. I'm hugging my daughter as she cries, because she misses her sister. I am checking on my friend who is photographing the event, and making sure he's ok, and handling things ok. And I'm checking on friends that are there, to make sure they get every opportunity to honor their children the ways that they want to. I'm doing my job. I'm taking care of everyone else. And when I can't find anyone else to help, I grab my camera, and I start shooting pictures. Not even good ones! HA! I shut down my feelings and I stay busy. I try to be strong, and that example to people, and be that hope for others that look at me and say, "Ok. She is doing great! There is hope that I will come out of this and be like her. People do come out of this." But.......they don't know what's going on inside of me. They don't know this burden that I carry every day.

Last night, I went to another event, with another very good friend of mine, Lisa. She runs the bereavement group that I attend. She had volunteered to help this up and coming bereavement group, and their event. This event happened to be on the birthday of my brother in law, who had passed away 5 years ago. It also happened to be on the property across the street from where he used to work, before he passed. Needless to say, it was an emotional day already.

We had to get to the park early, and Lisa needed to help set up. I was just going to go to a fabric store or something, until the event started and come back for the event. But, somehow, I couldn't. I stayed with Lisa, and helped, and ended up helping her the entire night. It really was amazing. I know I was supposed to be there, without any kids, without any responsibilities, so that I could BE THERE. Be in the moment........but I can't help it. When someone needs help, I just want to help! I have to! But, it was awesome. I met some amazing families, and helped them to make things for tribute to their lost children. I heard their stories, and saw their tears, and even hugged a few of them. The best was when I finally got to steal a sleeping baby so the mom could decorate her bag for her other angel child. I LOVED it. HA! I'm so baby hungry, so this helped feed the beast. LOL!

One moment, Lisa leaned over to me, and had brought to my attention that a friend of ours looked frustrated because she was there alone, with her toddler daughter, who did not want to cooperate and stay still in her stroller, and quiet. So, I got up, walked over to this mom, hugged her, told her I loved her, and said that I was going to take the stroller and let her watch the event. I could still hear everything, and see everything, because the parks not that big. But this mom and friend, could BE THERE. I failed my goal of the night. I just did it with someone else's kid. I walked away, I got busy with doing a task, and I got teary alone, and didn't let it out. I wasn't in the moment. After a while, my friend came and got her stroller, which left me alone, with nothing to do again. And then it happened........

There was a video I had completely forgotten about. A while back, I was asked for Ellie's name, and her birthday, and a photo of her. I sent it in, and then had forgotten about it. The video came on while I was walking my friends baby, and I thought, "Ugh. This is so convenient. I am so glad I cannot watch this. I don't want to see a huge picture of my baby." But then, I kind of wanted to see her. When the mom came and took the stroller, and no longer needed me to help her, that was when they announced they would read the names of each baby, and they wanted us to cheer for the children........I couldn't handle it. That is when I realized Ellie's name would be read. I sat back away from everyone, on a bench, put my head in my hands, and cried, as they read the names of the children, and I heard everyone cheer. It just seemed like a contradiction to what I was feeling. I don't want to clap because my daughter is gone. I want to cry! Then they said her name. You see, this is the first time that I have heard her full name said, like that, before. I didn't say her name at the walk. I couldn't. Now, I can't control this, and they did it. Having her named, on a list of other children that had died, it felt like that night that the nurses were coming into triage, with the ultra sound machine, one by one, trying to find her heart beat. 5 nurses standing around me, and one with the wand, and her telling me that there is no heart beat, and then leaving me alone so she could call my doctor. Leaving me alone with my thoughts, my pain, and the task of calling my husband and telling him that our child who was supposed to join us any day, whom we just celebrated that day at her baby shower, has died. Having her name read, felt like it was that confirmation from the nurse that my child had died. That is why I have never said her name at The Walk to Remember. I can't. Yes, I know she's gone......but, I guess it's a bit of denial still.

So, I sat on the bench, and I cried. I put my face in my hands, and I cried. Lisa came over, put her hand on my shoulder, passed me a tissue, and was just there. I finally stood up, cleaned my face, and hugged her. She then asked me the terrible question, "Are you ok?" I looked at her, smiled, and said, "No." And I knelt down on the ground, and cried again. I couldn't even lie.

After the event, I drove us home. I was so embarrassed that I had reacted that way. That I couldn't hold myself together. That I cried. We talked about everything driving home.....I mean everything.......else, but the event, HA!. For an hour, we talked. Then, I dropped her off at home, and she got out of the car, looked at me again, and said, "Are you going to be ok tonight?" She knew that Allan was gone, and I would be alone, with my sleeping kids tonight. I looked at her and said, "No. But I'm going to have to be." I went home, as I always do, I checked on my kids, and cried alone. I didn't want to go to sleep, because I was afraid I would dream of Ellie again. I didn't want to. So I didn't go to sleep.

This leads me to my current thoughts, and frustration. What is wrong with me?! Why can't I get over this? Why can't I be in the moment, let it out, and then leave feeling ok, and able to continue? Why does it knock me down for a week after? Why does it stress me out so badly? And now that I've shut it off, and have realized that's unhealthy, how do I turn it back on again? I don't know what to do.

Today, I sit here, with a million tasks to do, and I don't care to do anything. I haven't gotten dressed yet. I don't want to do anything but lay around. I snuggle my kids, and hold them tighter today. I am telling them I love them every 10 seconds. And, I want to go away. I want to not talk to anyone outside of this house. I want to disappear from my friends and extended family for a while. I just don't want to exist for a minute. I don't want to feel this pain anymore. I want to pretend like it never happened. Like she never happened, because it hurts too much, and I can't get it to stop hurting. When will I be ok? I thought I would be by now.

I wish I could post something positive today, about that beautiful event. I'm so proud of them, and what they were able to accomplish in the name of their child, and their grief. There is so much positive to talk about, but today, I don't care about the positive. I just feel the way I feel. And today, I just want it to stop. I don't want to feel like this anymore, but I have to, I guess. I don't want to battle this anymore, but I have to. I don't want to be in this anymore, but I have to. I have to balance it all, and deal with it all, and I don't know what I'm doing today. I'm frustrated with myself that I can't just let go of myself, and let myself feel. I desperately hope that one day, I will figure it out, and I will be better. I hope that one day, when I meet other moms feeling this same way, I can help them through it, and say, "You can do it! Because I did it!" Today, I can't say that. But I will. Today, I'm going to clean something, and organize something, and maybe get up and move on tomorrow.