I'm not sure that there is anything in particular that has caused these feelings to come about, it's just been a lot of little small events that have popped up, that have contributed to the feelings that I've been having. I think there has been a lot of moments of self doubt. There have been many moments of second guessing whatever it is that I'm doing. I've felt really busy, and really overwhelmed. I have felt like I am constantly playing a giant game of catch up, and I feel like I will never catch up. I have felt undeserving of the good things that are happening, because of my inability to maintain things in my home in the way that I would like. And all of those little moments finally caught up to me today.
Today, I woke up and was starting to get ready for church, and really......there was not one part of me that wanted to go. Usually, if I don't want to go to church, that is EXACTLY when I need to be at church. But, today, I listened to some amazing speakers, and heard some beautifully sweet, simple music, in sacrament, and I just couldn't get into it. I sat in the library, and had a few of the regular ladies come in to get some of their work done, and I felt like I was struggling to keep up with a conversation. I felt this so much, that after while, I just sat down, and didn't allow myself to be noticed. I went into Relief Society, and found out that the person who was supposed to teach, Sister Pullan, who is my favorite person to teach, would be giving the lesson that day. I love how she brings the spirit into whatever room she is in. I love her points of view, and the way that she helps you to see things in a different way. I was so excited to hear her inspired words......and, yet, I just couldn't get into it. I was so disappointed with myself. I felt down, and I felt disconnected, and I felt like I was a complete waste of time for her to be trying to teach me anything because I wasn't really present.
After church is when things really started going wonky. Allan walked into the library, and asked if I wanted to go to the luncheon after church that a sister was putting on at her house. I, honestly, and quickly, said, "No." He said he did, which surprised me, because Allan usually doesn't go to many church social events. So, because of that, I said we should go. I want to support him, and encourage him, whenever he wants to do those things, even if it's hard for me to do it. So, we went to the luncheon.
We walked in the gates of this sisters backyard, and the kids saw the horses, and the chickens and the hay they could climb, and they were in heaven. I looked over at the other side of the yard, and everyone was already there, socializing, and snacking, and just having fun. I immediately wanted to turn and walk out. I had an overwhelming sense of anxiety come over me, and I didn't know what to do with myself. I, instead of following my husband to where the adults were at, I took Elliott to see the horses, and spent about 15 minutes over there with the kids.
When it was time to pray, and then eat, we all made our way over to the eating area. As I got closer, I saw my good friend coming over to welcome me, and I just wanted to run the other way. It's a strange feeling when I get like this. I want to hide, and blend in, and not be noticed, but I also want someone to notice me, so that they can help me calm down. HAHA! It's just confusing. So, I walked over to my friend, after dilly dallying for a few minutes, and gave her a big hug. Then, I got to work, getting food for the kids with my husband, and getting them situated. Work is better for me. It keeps me busy, and it keeps my mind occupied on work, not on whatever I'm going through in my head, at the moment. All of my kids were either eating, or had finished up eating, and went to play, when I finally sat down and started to eat. I took one bite......then another bite.....and I was done. I played it off like I didn't like what I had tried to eat, but in reality, I couldn't eat. My stomach was in knots. My friend motioned for me to come and sit by her, and I could feel the tension radiating off of my own self, it was so bad. I sat down next to her, and I could feel my hands shaking as I frantically started looking around for my kids, and making sure they were safe, and doing ok. I couldn't keep my head straight. I literally felt like I was going crazy. My body was so tense, and so antsy, and I couldn't stay focused. The only thing I could do was continue to look around for my kids. I felt so bad, because I know I was snapping at people, because they could tell that I was being a helicopter mom. They could tell that I was over doing it a little bit, but honestly, it's the only thing I could do! I felt like I was about to crack, and I just didn't know what to do with myself. People tried to talk to me, and I really didn't play back into the conversation. I would just end it quickly.....and then continue looking like a crazy person hovering over my kids. It was weird, even for me.
Finally, we left the luncheon, and I was, for lack of a better word, PISSED! I was so frustrated with myself. We got home, got the kids in bed, and after a little while, I was able to talk to Allan about it. I was so frustrated that after all of this work that I have been doing, trying to find my happiness, my passion, my love, for myself, I felt like it was all undone. I felt like I was doing so so well, and I was finally happy (although, super stressed), and then BAM! This hit again. It's hard when these moments hit because I feel like I'm failing. I feel like, instead of it just being a bump in the road, it's a road block. It's frustrating to me, because I don't want to feel these bumps anymore. I just want to be happy! I want to be calm. I want to be able to go into large groups, and not feel out of control or crazy. I don't want to feel anxiety when I see more than 4 people in a room. I don't want to feel frustrated with myself, because I can't handle a situation. I just want to be normal! But, I'm not. Not my version of normal anyways.
I have said, in the past, that I'm not ashamed to say that I have depression. I'm not embarrassed that I had to take anti-depressants, and maybe should start taking them again. I'm not ashamed to say that I went to therapy, and sometimes my husband and I still do! But, what I am embarrassed to say is that, even though I have made HUGE amounts of progress, it still effects me in unexpected ways, and in unexpected moments, such as today. Depression is a constant battle for me. Today, sitting in Relief Society, listening to this beautiful lesson regarding having a closer, more personal relationship with our Savior, Jesus Christ, all I kept thinking was, "I feel like I'm doing everything I can, and more, to make Him proud, and be like Him, but I still feel a little disconnected." And then the next thought that comes in my head (the depression part) is, "I'm not worthy enough to have that relationship with Him. I'm not good enough. I'm not doing enough." Is that true? No. Not at all. But those are thoughts that I battle all of the time. It's normal for me. I can usually turn those off pretty well, but there are days, like today, where I either can't, or I'm just too emotionally tired to try. Those moments are frustrating for me, sometimes.
I've heard, on more than one occasion that, "On the outside you look fine. You would never know you felt this way." And most of the time, on the outside, and inside, I am fine. I do have those faint thoughts of self doubt, here and there, but usually I'm fine, and can calm those thoughts. It's frustrating when I'm not fine, and I still can't let anyone see me not fine. Today, at that gathering, I just wanted someone to walk up to me, grab my hand, or give me a hug and say, "I know you're not okay. You are lookin a little cooky. But, I got you. You're ok. You can do this. I am here with you, and everything is okay." I just needed someone to calm me down and help me refocus. Kind of like a reset button. But, it's my own pride that gets in the way of letting anyone know that I'm not okay sometimes. I take pride in being ok in most situations. I take pride in being calm, and not letting things get to me. I take pride in being able to handle most situations, and trying to be a problem solver, and a multi-tasker. I do not take pride in feeling weak, or feeling like I can't handle something, or feeling like I'm going to break apart and cry at any moment. It's definitely a pride problem, that I don't allow many people in, in that way.
When I talked to my husband about this today, he told me that maybe if I recognize it, maybe that will help me the next time it happens. My husband is good, now, at talking to me about this. It used to be, and I imagine it still is, so frustrating for him, because he can't fix this. He can't make it stop, and have his wife back. It's here to stay. But, now, instead of getting frustrated, he really tries hard to hear me, and talk me through it, and find a way to help me ease it for the next time......because there will be a next time. He told me, today, that it's good that it's not happening as frequently as it was happening, and that he understood why I was frustrated, but to be happy about that, because that's great progress! And you know what? He's right!
Today was not my finest day. Today, I missed the boat on everything. I just went through the motions, and when I couldn't do that anymore, I just checked out. And when I couldn't be checked out anymore, I acted like a crazy person. And when crazy and frustrated didn't work anymore, I just became a recluse in my home, and did some laundry, and did the dishes. HAHA! It was ugly, but one thing that I did get out of Sister Pullan's lesson in Relief Society is that, Jesus Christ is my brother. He is my example. I am lucky to say that I have felt his arms around me, comforting his sister, in her darkest moments. So, if today isn't a great day, He doesn't care, because He knows that I am strong, and that tomorrow I will get right back up, and try again, and I will keep getting up and trying again, because He taught me how to. I have heard his cheers for me when I have made him proud, and I felt his love for me still, when I have made the wrong choices. I know, especially now, more than ever, he is cheering so loud of me. I know no one else knows when I'm hurting, or when I feel like I can't take another step.....but He does. And I hear him cheering for me, and saying, "come on sister. You can do it. I know you can. It's in you, because you are my sister. It's in me, so it's in you. Keep going. I am holding your hand, and I am here with you, and I will never leave your side. I will always be cheering you on. Keep going!"
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| Drawing by Drew Haeffele |
I had a bump in the road today. I was praying for someone to help me reset my anxiety. It didn't come when I wanted it to, but it came later, and it was perfect timing. It is a journey, and it's a long journey, full of winding roads, bumps in the road, trees blocking the road, fog coming in so thick that you can't see, broken down cars, and even a few accidents. But, I'm loving the opportunities this amazing road has given me. I have learned so much. I have learned to go over the bumps slowly, and with great care. I have learned to call and ask for help in moving the tree, and not to try to do it alone (although, that one is still a work in progress sometimes). I have learned that when the fog is too thick, to just pull over to the side of the road, and wait for it to clear, patiently. And most of all, I have learned that when I see broken down cars, and accidents, I have learned to stop, drop whatever I'm doing, and go and help those that are broken, and need mending. Sister Pullan asked how we can have a closer, more personal relationship with God, and Jesus Christ. Tonight, I figured out that answer. Learn from every trial that we are given, and use what we've learned to help others. Take each trial, each moment in life, even, and find what we can learn from it, because that is how we will be a more positive people. Learn from every experience, and do good with what we've learned. I am close to my Father, and my Brother. I just didn't realize it fully, until right now.
I am thankful for bumps in the road.
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