Week 8

This week has been full of amazing, wonderful trials for me, which prompted this weeks photo. (I will share more of the amazing experiences later on.) I'm nervous to post these photo's, but I'm pretty excited at the same time, because it is completely out of my comfort zone. But that's the point! Right?

This week, I was privileged to assist the great Lisa Weingardt, of Littleloo Photography (http://www.littleloophotography.com/), on another maternity shoot. We had been talking about this particular shoot for a month or so, and we were both so excited to finally see it happen! It was frustrating because she told me to bring my camera, which I did.....and then left it in the studio, and forgot to pack it in her car. FAIL! But, not having my camera, and being busy shooting, gave me a moment, while in the cold mountains, watching this beautiful, pregnant woman, looking incredibly radiant, and sexy, to reflect back on a conversation that I had with a friend, regarding what we feel sexy is, and is it bad to feel sexy, or to exude a sexy quality. Looking at this amazing woman, look so confident, and comfortable in her own self, be photographed....she made it look effortless. She looked like nothing could make her nervous. She looked like she was having fun, and that she was completely comfortable. Now, Lisa makes everyone feel comfortable, I think, but this was different. That, though, made me think of Lisa. Lisa's photography love, I think, is newborns. She has said many times that she wants to specialize in newborns. And she is amazing at it! But, another thing that she does, that I just love, are her boudoir sessions. I love how comfortable everyone looks in the photos. I love how beautiful everyone looks. And, yes, while they can be a bit risque.....they really aren't. You look at them, and you don't think skin, and breasts, and whatever else.....you just see beauty in the women, no matter what size they are. You see their confidence, and comfort, and spirits all over their faces, and body language. She is amazing at capturing that inner beauty, and essence, that every woman has in them.

So, after the maternity shoot with this beautiful woman, and her family, I went home, and hopped on my little Lisa's website. I remembered that she had written this lovely blurb about why she does boudoir sessions, on her website. She writes, "Your boudoir session is not only the perfect gift for the man in your life, but a gift to you as well. I do believe that every woman is beautiful, and my goal is to show you just that! I think as women we tend to spend so much time being wives, mothers, and career women that we often forget just how great it is to feel sexy and desirable!" ......." I have also had many women say they would love to do something like this for themselves and their significant other, but "want to lose weight first", or "feel guilty spending that much money on myself". I can tell you that custom photography is definitely an investment, but a valuable one I believe. I also believe that you are sexy and beautiful just as you are, so don't put it off!!"  (http://www.littleloophotography.com/bodouir-pricing-and-info)

After reading this again, and thinking back on that conversation with my friend, and also about how that woman looked in the mountains, while be photographed, I thought about my own definition of sexy, and if I thought it was ok to be sexy.

In working through this thought, and trying to find my own answers, and beliefs, I thought about my friends, and realized that each one of them are sexy. Some for different reasons, but above all, there is one common reason that they are all sexy. Confidence. There are certain situations that we are all placed in where we feel confident in ourselves, or in our abilities. For me, it might be hosting something. I don't like attending large group functions, but I love hosting them. I love cooking for other people, and just giving them comfort in that way. I have confidence when in that situation. An attribute that I love about myself is, that I am flirty. I am a flirty person. Not in a, "I'm gonna steal your man" flirty, but I am happy, and flirty, and if someone is gonna dish it, I am not afraid to give it right back. I am very friendly, I think. There are times that I know what I'm doing, and I know it'll drive a person crazy, and make them sit up and pay attention, but not in an overtly sexual way. Just subtle.

So, that brings me to my next question. Is it ok to be sexy? What is sexy? To me, it is great to feel sexy! When we try to suppress it, we are robbing ourselves of a confidence that is so precious. A confidence that tells us that we are beautiful, smart, talented, and more than we think we are. As a woman of the LDS faith, a mother of 4 children, a wife, and someone who battles depression on a daily basis, it is so easy to lose sight of the fact that I am a vibrant, beautiful, fun loving, sexy woman, at any age, and any size, or weight. In my opinion, and in my marriage, and even just personally, I want to remain sexy for myself, and for my husband. I want him to always think I am the most beautiful woman ever. I want him to always want me around, and always want me to snuggle him, and always want him to kiss me at odd moments, because he just can't help himself. I want to constantly take his breath away, even after I get done cleaning a toilet, and feel like I look my worst. But, if I am down on myself, and always pushing away the loving gestures, and arguing the compliments, then they will stop. It's frustrating for our husbands to see a woman who is so amazing, but the woman doesn't see that in herself. This is exactly what I am working on! I want to, not only feel that again, for myself, but for him!

So what is sexy? To me, sexy is just confidence. I thought about every woman who I thought was just the epitome of sexy, and the reasons why I thought they were sexy. They were all the same reason, as why I feel my friends are sexy. They exuded this confidence, that is noticeable. They didn't have that confidence where they thought they were better than everyone else. They weren't in your face with it, or argumentative. They are graceful, quiet, and demure....but had a self assurity, that is undeniable. Most of the women that I felt were the sexiest women, weren't women who showed a lot of skin, showed a ton of cleavage or wore skirts that were crazy short. The women who are the sexiest to me, are women who are generally always covered in their clothing, like skirts to the knees, the shirts are higher up, and not showing really much cleavage, if any. They aren't sexy because of their bodily parts. They are sexy because when they walk, there is a swagger. When they walk, their heads are held high, their backs are straight, they walk with a purpose and a smile, and they don't look fazed by any comments that come their way. They are self-assured.

When I first met my husband, he said to me, "I never thought I would date a girl like you." I was almost offended by that, HAHA! But I asked him what he meant, and he said, "You are just so out of my league. And I love that you don't even know it." See, a girl who is sexy, doesn't try to flaunt herself. She is just comfortable with herself. She doesn't think that anyone is better than anyone else. She always sees the good in people, not the negative. She knows who she is, and what kind of person she is striving to be, and she doesn't let anyone deviate her from that plan. She knows how to exude beauty from the inside, and leave the outside for her partner only. She is confident, and smart, and driven. She is soft and lovely, and always graceful, but not afraid to show a side of her that is not as perfect as she would like. She shows love to everyone around her, and isn't afraid to stop, and take a minute to help others feel special and beautiful too. She is ok to show her flaws, and thinks her flaws are lovely. A sexy woman knows who she is, what she wants for herself, and her loved ones, and gets it, while helping to lift others to reach their potential as well.

Talking to my husband about this topic, and this blog post, he's been very hesitant about the response I would get. I asked him why, and he said, "Mormon women aren't supposed to be sexy." That set me off. I believe that "Mormon" woman should feel sexy, and should exude that, just as any other woman. But not in the way that our immature society shows a sexy woman. We aren't told NOT to be sexy. We are sexy in a mature way. We are taught to be daughters of God, and be confident in that belief system. We are taught to be selective with the men that we date, because we are worth so much. We are taught that our price is "far above rubies". Women are special, and we should hold ourselves to that higher standard. If we walked around with the thought, "I am a daughter of God", all of the attributes that I described earlier would pour out of us. It would be obvious, upon looking at us, and we wouldn't feel the need to wear overly tight clothing, and feel the need to show off more of our bodies. But, sometimes, we forget who we are, and how glorious we are. I had forgotten......but I'm trying to find it again. The women who I feel are the sexiest (LDS or not), know who they are, and allow that to shine, rather than using other methods. (Just to clarify, my husband was making a statement in relation to what people MIGHT think, when reading this, or seeing the photos. Not necessarily what he thinks. He more agrees with me. It was just for argument sake. Don't stone him!! HAHA!)

So, for this weeks photo, I was completely inspired by Lisa. I love how passionate she is about helping women feel as beautiful as she sees them, and how sexy, and amazing their loved ones see them. I love how, in each photo, you can really see the woman's personality come to life, and their beauty shine through. I love what she says about helping women to remember how it feels to feel sexy and desirable, because I believe she completely does. I have wanted to schedule a boudoir with her, but have always been too nervous. So, I did a bit of my own, but in my own way, until I'm ready to take the plunge with her! HAHA! For now, I will just continue to assist her, until I get the nerve up. HAHA! So here goes!

This is it!

This is me trying to be sexy.....but then actually just being me. This is my favorite photo, honestly, because it's me!

Had to throw a black and white one in!

I do feel sexy, sometimes. I felt sexy doing these photos, and I felt I was able to do this, while remaining true to my view point on the subject. This week, I was reminded of what it is to feel sexy, and that it is ok, and completely necessary, to feel sexy. It's part of who we are! I believe that every woman is sexy. Every woman has that inner self that just radiates out, that turns heads.....and it has nothing to do with what they are wearing, or their bodies. I love that my husband thinks that I am the sexiest woman on the planet. I love how he tells me this every day, and I love how he loves me. I hope that I can gain some of that confidence back, so that I can continue the journey to becoming the woman that I want to be. So far, it's been a fun, liberating, and beautiful process. I can't wait until week 52, and I am able to look back on the woman I was when I started this project, and see the woman I have become, because of this project.