Last week, I said that my kids were taking over this project. I wanted to see myself, how they saw me. I asked them to figure out their favorite thing that I do with them, or for them, and they have to photograph it. What they came up with was surprising, and after the shaking up that my life has gotten, it has come to mean more, and be more touching, than anything.
The photo for this week is:
This is my daughter, Sarah. She is 8 years old, going on 18. She is spunky, positive, full of energy, and excited about life.....the good parts, along with the bad parts. She finds the good in everything, and is just a fun girl. I would love to say that she got that from me, and maybe she got that from an old part of me.....a part I am working on getting back.
I asked Sarah what she came up with for her favorite thing. She said, "My favorite thing that you do is snuggle with me." So, we set up the camera on the floor of my bedroom, and this is the shot that she liked. I really like it too.
Sarah has taught me so much, this year especially. She has dealt with so much, already, in her 8 year old little life, and the way that she has come out of it has been amazing, and such a huge example to me. She has had to move quite a bit, since she has been born. She has never complained. She just says, "I'm not nervous! I'm excited! I will get to meet new people and have new friends!" As she has gotten older, that excitement has wavered, but I can see her holding on tightly to it. Sarah has been bullied a bit this year at school, and otherwise. I can tell that it has hurt her, and that confidence that once beamed brighter than the sun, is a little bit dimmed. But, she always talks to me about it, and always tells me, "it's ok mom. I dealt with it, and I just walked away. I still care about them. I just don't want be around them very much." I am proud of her for that! I know to some parents, that is teaching my kid to be a push over, but I'm so proud of her for still showing love and compassion to those that aren't showing much love and compassion towards her. I am proud of her that she didn't throw back the mean spirited things that they are giving to her. I hope she never loses that, because THAT is a powerful thing.
Sarah lost her uncle, TC. He was only a year younger than me, and he was her best friend. That was hard on her little mind. She was young, but still understood that he was gone. She understood that she couldn't call him up whenever she wanted, and request a quick play date before he went to work, or request for him to tuck her in at night on his way home from work. After that, she lost her little sister that she was so excited about. She understood much more than people gave her credit for. People thought I was feeding her emotions regarding Ellie's death. It would frustrate me because I felt like it invalidated her feelings. But, she didn't care. She knew what she knew, and no one was going to tell her different. She knew that TC still visited her, and she knew that Ellie was being protected by TC. (She was always worried about someone protecting her baby sister in Heaven.) Sarah loves her family more than anything, and wants the best for us. She takes very good care of her younger brothers, and tries as hard as she can to be a good example to them. She is proud to tell everyone that she has 6 siblings, 3 on earth, and 3 in Heaven. When she found out that not only did we have Ellie in Heaven, but that I had lost 2 other pregnancies (one before, and one afterwards), she was so excited. HAHA! She was upset that we didn't know if the babies were boys or girls, but was so excited that she had more siblings to meet in Heaven. I love her way of thinking. HA!
When I have a hard time, and am being short, instead of getting mad back at me, she has been known to give me a hug, and say, "I'm having a hard day too." Or, when she sees me trying to hold in tears, she puts her arms around me, and says, "Mom, it's ok to cry. I cry, and it's ok."
She has a very strong testimony of the gospel, and that is never going to change. She is very sure of herself, and what she knows, and no one is going to change that. She understands the importance of daily prayer, she understands that when she's scared, she should pray, and ask God for comfort. She has a testimony of God answering her prayers because of this, and so many other very special experiences she's had. She understands, already at 8 years old, that trials are necessary to learn and grow, and for us to be able to practice finding the good in things, even when they don't seem great.
She is stubborn just like her father and I are. She can argue with the best of them. She is loud, opinionated, bossy, stubborn, and will not back down without a fight, and it drives me crazy........but I secretly love it.
She reminds me that it's ok to accept help, and she just helps, without being asked, especially when Allan is out of town, and I'm doing it alone.
She is unafraid of new things. When she gets invited to birthday parties, group activities or otherwise, she isn't nervous about not knowing anyone, and if she is, she doesn't show it. She just jumps in there, and instantly makes friends. Every park outing, every birthday party, every class, that girl comes out of it saying that whomever she met is her best friend. I love that.
I love this photo because it reminds me that she sees the good in me, even when I can't, sometimes. When she said that her favorite thing to do with me is snuggle, it made me sad, because I don't do that with her as often as I should, and I don't think I realized that that was her favorite thing that I do. I thought she'd say her favorite thing I do was reading with her, cooking with her, or going out just the two of us. I love this photo because it shows our love for each other. It shows us having fun together. It shows us joyful. It shows my love for her, and it shows the pride she has that I'm her mother. She just wants to make me happy. She just doesn't realize, she's been making me happy since she was born.
I didn't know I needed this photo, and the ones to follow, until I looked at the photos again, to post it. But I did. She teaches me that it's ok to be alone, and not have people around you. It's ok to be different. It's ok to smile through the bad stuff. She teaches me that it's ok to ask for help, even from an 8 year old. She teaches me that it's ok to not have the answers, and that it's fun to find out what the answers are. She teaches me forgiveness, compassion and love, especially to those who have hurt us. But mostly, she teaches me that there is joy to be found, in even the darkest times. There are positives in every negative situation, its just easier to find them when we are looking for them, instead of focusing on the negative. Because of that, she has changed my testimony of my Father in Heaven, in profound ways. She has taught me to pray always, and keep moving with complete faith that He's with me.
I love my Sarah-Bear. She is what I hope to be when I grow up.....happy about everything. I appreciate her loving me, and teaching me how to love, and be loved. I have loved having this time that I've given myself to not only reflect on what achievements I have actually made as a mother, but to also reflect on the amazing children I have, and the lessons they've taught me.
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