Recently, I have had a few events that have occurred, that have caused me to reevaluate my expectations of each relationship I have in my life. They are personal, and it was difficult, at the time, but now that I am figuring things out, I am so grateful to have had these experiences to learn and grow from.
The downside of depression, for me, is simply trust. I don't trust anyone. I expect everyone to let me down. I expect everyone to leave. I expect nothing good. So, when good things happen, I tend to cling to it, or them. And if that doesn't happen, I tend to wait for the other shoe to drop. THAT'S NOT OK! Doing that too often leads to a worsening view of myself. It leads to my own confidence in a worse spot. I am no longer relying on myself for my own happiness. I am now relying on my friends, my family, and my husband to provide my happiness. And when they can't be there in the way I need them to, it's devastating. That is what I have been working on, within myself. I am working on trusting people, my husband, my family unit, my extended family, my friends, and strangers. I am working realizing that relationships are very important, but the relationship that I have with myself is more important than anything. If I'm not happy, then no one is happy, and those negative expectation I mentioned above, will come to fruition. I don't want that, and I don't want to make people constantly prove me wrong. I want to just enjoy my relationships, allow them in, AND be able to be ok, confident, and have fun, all on my own. I want to feel confident in my decisions, and my work, and not have to ok it with my husband, or friends. I want to feel confident in my parenting, and not have to discuss everything that I am not sure about with my sister (which I will anyways) and my mother. I want to know that whatever I do, that I'm ok! And I am!
One relationship, well 5, really, that have prompted these feelings are the relationships I have with my children. They are all very confident, funny, smart, good looking, sweet, loving kids. They are an amazing mix of Allan and I. My relationship with them will be eternal, and I need to help grow that connection even more. I want them to grow up, and be confident adults. I want them to have their own ideals, and be strong and confident enough to stick with them, while being humble enough to consider other points of view. I want them to value themselves, and their own mortality, and never take things for granted, especially their family. I want them to be ok if they find out that a friend is not good for their lives. And I want them to realize when someone is in need of help, or support, and be compassionate enough to come running. I want them to be strong, successful, confident, humble, compassionate, loving human beings. I think that is what we all want! But, how can I want that, if I feel I only have a few of those qualities? I need to lead by example! That's the best way to parent, I think! So, I have been doing that myself.
Lucas is one that has sparked this thought process. I am constantly working on my relationship with Luke. He is very different from the other 3 children. Sarah, Taylor and Elliott are all outspoken, imaginative, love to play, outgoing, and going 40 miles an hour all day, every day. But not Luke. Luke is quiet, reserved, witty, really funny, very sweet, imaginative in a quiet way, sensitive and analyzes everything. When I asked Luke what his favorite thing that mommy does, he answered in the sweetest, most unexpected way. Here is the photo:
Lukes answer to this question was, "I love when you tuck me in." Ok, that melted my heart. I expected him to say a million other things, but he really took the time to think about it, and came back to me with that answer. He made me reevaluate how I was parenting. I loved sitting with him, and talking about how to photograph that. He was so excited to haul everything up to his room, and bring to life, what was in his head.
As parents, we want to give our kids everything we didn't have as children. I know I think that way. But, really, have you ever asked your kids this question, "What is your favorite thing that we do together?" I guarantee you, the answer won't be what you expected. My daughters favorite thing, out of everything, was snuggling, and that doesn't happen very often, sadly. My son's favorite thing was when I tuck him in at night, and give him a kiss and a hug. It wasn't something huge! It didn't cost any money. It wasn't something I had to plan out. They were acts that were quiet, and simple, and sweet.
I needed this moment with my Luke, to realize that they don't need any gifts, lavish parties, long trips, or any of those things. They just need time, even 5 seconds to tuck them in, give them a hug, a kiss and say, "I love you"! I think, even as adults, as afraid as we are to say it, we just want time with others. We want to feel important, needed and loved, and nothing does that better than just sitting with a loved one, or a friend, and talking, watching a movie, or hashing out the week.
I love Luke so much. He is my mini me. He is sweet, imaginative, and quiet. He is always a little unsure of himself, and never wants to say when he is hurting, or sad. He never wants to burden anyone. But, he always hopes to be noticed, and included, and loved. He is so smart, but doesn't know he is. He is SO funny! But, not in a goofy kind of way. He just comes up with things, relating to whatever he's doing, and just cracks us up. He has a great way of looking at things, positively. He makes me laugh, because when he's nervous, he laughs. He can't NOT laugh. HA! It makes yelling at him darn near impossible. Luke always makes good decisions, even if it's not popular, and I love that! I love his quiet confidence. Most of all, he loves his family more than anything.
Luke is such a good kid, and such a sweet member of our family. I love everything he teaches me, and the sweet ways in which he does. I love you Lukie-Bookie!! (BTW, you can't call him that. HA! He hates it when anyone else calls him that, but me. HA!)
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