I thought of this idea very early on in this project. Maybe, the second or third week. I thought it would be great to give the camera to my children, and have them photograph me, using any props, hair styles, make-up, and pose me, any way they wanted to. I wanted to see me, how they saw me, or how they wanted to see me. I think it's important to see what others are seeing, when they see you. How are you resonating with them? How are you conveying your emotions and feelings? Are they seeing in you the qualities that you are trying to get across? If not, why, and what can you change in yourself or your actions, to help others see in you, what you want them to? So, I thought this would be a neat thing to try, not only to see how my children see me, but extend it to my friends and family. I have, so far, chickened out of asking any friends or family to do this for me, but maybe later.......when I'm asleep.....or drunk, and don't know what I'm doing. LOL!!
Sunday is Mother's Day. Most of us know that Mother's Day is that one holiday that I just cannot be positive on. It is a day to celebrate me, and all of the other mothers out there, and acknowledge all of the amazing hard work that they do for their families. However, I do not feel worthy of being celebrated still. Today, I went back and read the post from my very first Mother's Day, after losing Ellie (http://allanandlaurie.blogspot.com/2011/05/mothers-day.html). It was interesting, because a lot of the feelings that I had then, regarding this very special holiday, are still the same. So, I went to the second Mother's Day after losing Ellie (http://allanandlaurie.blogspot.com/2013/05/mothers-day-now.html), and it was just as sad as the first one, and I was still expressing the same feelings.
As I count down the days leading up to my third Mother's Day since the death of my youngest daughter, the feelings remain the same. I don't feel worthy of being celebrated, and I would prefer if I could skip it. But, my kids are older, and their classes are planning cute activities. They are practicing hard for church programs dedicated to their mommy. And they are busily making sweet gifts to give to me on that special day. So, while I feel completely undeserving of all of this attention, love and celebration, I will participate for them. This will be the first Mother's Day, since losing Ellie, that I have attended church. I have avoided the programs, and the gifts that the men pass out. I have avoided the lessons in Relief Society, especially dedicated to telling us how wonderful, amazing, and special we are in the sight of God. I haven't had the strength to go. But, this year, I will go. My children are so excited to unleash all that they have been planning for me, and I cannot let them down, no matter how much pain I am in. It's another moment where you put the face on, and you try with everything you have to find the positive. My sweet family is the positive that I need to get through this painful moment.
So, I decided I would start this series of 6 photos off, of how my children see me and/or their favorite things about me, with this rare photo. I'm not sure how this happened, but it happened with very little yelling on my part, however, with a few annoyed looks that I will fess up to.
This photo is was taken earlier today, with the help of these 4 children. Lucas contained himself, and mustered out a nice smile, while looking at the camera. Sarah held Elliott on her lap, and remembered to look at the camera, and not at Elliott, while telling him to say, "Cheese!!", and keep him excited, and contained. And Taylor managed to keep his hands in his lap, and not unleash his inner Spider-man, even though it was the hardest thing he's ever had to do in his whole life.....that day. They knew that this photo was important to me, and they love me so much, that they tried as hard as they could to give it to me.
I love these 4 children so much. I know that they don't always hear it as often as they should, or feel it as often as they should, but I hope they do know how important they are to me. I hope they understand how wanted they were, and still are. I hope they know how much I love each one of them, and cherish their sweet little lives. They each are so different, with their own ways of thinking, loving, learning, and have their own little spirits. Alone, they are pretty amazing, but together, as a unit, they are pretty incredible. I am so proud to be their mother.They teach me every day, how to love, and how to be loved. They teach me how to be a good mother. They teach me how to be a good wife. They teach me how to be a good daughter of God. They teach me who I really am, and who I am capable of becoming!
I'm not sure I'm good at being a mom. I'm not sure I'm doing anything right, honestly. And some days, I'm not even sure I'm trying that hard. HA! But, most days, I work hard for these kids. Most days, I feel like the hard work goes unnoticed, but after doing these photos with them, I realize that it is very noticed, and appreciated. After doing these photos with them, I'm realizing that all that they needed from me, I've been doing all along.
So, in honor of Mother's Day, I start this series of photos, and hopefully I will learn that I am a good mother, I am loved, I am deserving of being celebrated, and I am doing a good job. That may be a tall order, but it's definitely worth a shot! Right? And if nothing else, I had fun with my kids. HA!
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