Week 30: (The End)

The whole point of this project, when I started it, was to remind myself of the good qualities and attributes that I possessed. I came up with this project because I was so tired of feeling down, and so tired of the thoughts in my head controlling how I felt about myself. I was tired of the habits that the depression had started for me. I started this to change my own perspective of myself. I do feel that YOU are the only one that can change your own life. Only you can make the decisions to change, and only you can do the work to change those things. I had made the decision to do just that. Along with therapy, even some meds, and my own determination, I started this journey, in January, and have continued it every week......until now.

When I started writing about my journey of loss almost 4 years ago, I didn't know any other way to write except to be completely honest and open. I knew that in doing it this way, I would leave myself completely vulnerable to critique, opinion, and even backlash. But, my desire to work through the grief and share it with everyone was stronger than any fear that I had. I wanted to be able to record this journey in hopes that maybe another mother, father, grandparent or friend might read my entries and they might be able to identify themselves and their feelings in it, and be able to find a bit of peace that they aren't alone. If you've ever experienced a loss, in any capacity, you understand how you do just feel alone in it, even when you're not. It helps to find someone that gives you that validation in your feelings, and I was willing to put my own pain and grief out there, to maybe even help one other person feel a bit of comfort in that validation. Also, I wanted to record it for my own history. I wanted my kids to be able to read this, and REALLY know their mother and what she went through.

In November of 2013, I had realized that I was starting to go backwards in my healing. So many things had happened in this short time that had really had a negative effect on me, and I really wanted to change it. I wanted to make myself a better me. Allan and I had started therapy a little while prior, and have continued since then. I loved therapy, and I could definitely see the tools that were given were working for us. But, it wasn't all the way there. So, I decided to weave together two of my loves: Photography and Writing. I had lost the things I loved most about myself, and I wanted to remind myself of them again. But, not just telling myself, I wanted to SHOW myself, and inspire myself through photography. I have been inspired by so many other people, especially through photography, but I think it's quite a powerful thing to be your own inspiration. To be so proud of yourself, that you inspire yourself to keep pushing to do more, and be better. I decided to include everyone in that same journey, even though it would be painfully open and honest, again, and allow even more vulnerability in the situation. But I wanted to do it this way, for the same reasons as before. I wanted to help others if I could!

Lots of things have happened during this journey that have been amazing, and even mind blowing for me, that have changed my life and allowed for a wonderful amount of healing for me. I have really gotten to know myself, my emotions, what effects me, and what doesn't. I have learned how to tell a story through photography, even my own story. I have learned about my Father in Heaven, my Savior, and really understand His unfailing love for me, and why He made me the way that I am, and come to appreciate it, and even LOVE it. But there have been a lot of negative things that have happened, also. Some that is just negative gossip, some is mean comments emailed by strangers, and others are those that I cannot write about, or even open up about in person to anyone. They are things that are left just for my family to know and endure. It has been dealing with these difficult times in our family, and personally, that I have come to the conclusion that I am finished with this project. I have been so scared about big trials coming up in my life again, and those trials throwing me back into the dark space I am so desperately trying to claw out of. But, it turns out, I can handle the trials! I am proud of how I have been handling them! I have learned I am OK, and I can do it!

I have seen myself grow and change in ways that I was hoping I would, and even beyond! I have found the things I love about myself again! I love that I am thoughtful, caring, loving, silly, loud, committed, loyal, talented, and a million other things. I even love the negative things about myself, and I will name them all before you can ever have a chance. HA! I am stubborn, opinionated, impatient, I expect the worst and rarely hope for the best, and I will take abuse from people and I don't fight back as often as I should. There are more negatives, but why focus on those. HA!

We need the not great qualities in us, I think, to magnify the great qualities. And hopefully, over time, we can use those "negative" qualities to help the great qualities shine. For instance, I love that I am stubborn, because if I wasn't stubborn, I wouldn't be as loyal as I am to friends, family and my spouse. If I wasn't stubborn, I wouldn't be as committed to things and people. If I didn't expect the worst to happen, I wouldn't be as good a planner as I am. I plan for everything, and even over plan, but we are always prepared, and I wouldn't be able to relax and enjoy the moments! If I didn't expect the worst, I wouldn't be as thoughtful as I am, because I don't want others to feel as I have felt before, so I tend to go overboard, in making sure everyone feels loved and cared about. Maybe it's not a correct way of thinking about these qualities, but I'm trying to take negatives and make them positives. We are taught that there cannot be one thing without it's opposite. We cannot know good, if we do not understand evil. Maybe we can't know our strengths, if we do not understand our weaknesses. It's working!!

I have felt and heard in the last year the chatter that has gone on, from friends, acquaintances and even strangers, about "that girl who can't get over losing her baby". I know I am labeled by some as "that woman who lost her baby". I have had people read this and assume that my life is consumed by this tragedy, and that I am in a dark place. I AM SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT!!! I used to be able to put up with these labels and the chatter, and assumptions, because I have heard so many good things about how it has helped people in the same situation, or helped friends know how to help other friends going through this, or even helped my own friends and family understand what I was feeling and how to help. However, I am so happy now, and feeling so free from all of the grief, that I don't feel a need to put up with it any longer. I wish that the people who are chatting around me took the time to know me, because they would quickly learn that I am HAPPY! They would learn that I am not consumed by the loss of my baby. They would learn that I am, in fact, grateful for the amazing, wonderful and even glorious things I have gotten to learn and become because of this beautiful tragedy. They would learn that I don't mourn this time in my life anymore, but I embrace it and use it for positive things! They would learn that I am funny, happy, silly, caring, loving, thoughtful, and a friend for life. They would learn that my relationship with my Heavenly Father is rock solid and unwavering because of this experience. They would learn that my relationship with my husband has been strengthened beyond anything that I could've wished or expected it to be. I am more than this tragedy. This beautiful tragedy is a time in my life that I will cherish for the rest of my days, and will always look back on, and continue to learn from. But, in the same thought, I realize that I am holding people back from seeing that, by continuing to publish my journey.

I understand the worry and the talking behind my back. This is a scary thing, and not many people can/want to do it this way! It can be dangerous, even, mentally. But I am in such a good place, and feeling so good that I have decided that I don't want it to drag me down anymore than it has in the last few months. I know that we always say that we shouldn't let others effect you. We shouldn't care what other people say. It's a good thought, and I would like to meet the person who has actually mastered this. Our environment, and those in it, effect us and our lives! And it's ok!! I accept that. But, we choose how they are going to effect us. I accept that when I hear negative things about myself, or hear that there is talk about me, and not to me, it hurts me, and makes me sad. But, I choose not to be stuck in that sadness. I choose not to change who I am, or who I will become, because of the gossip.

I have chosen, and decided that 30 weeks is good, and is enough. In 30 weeks I have done exactly what I wanted to do! I have changed my own life. I have taken control of my grief, of my depression and my life, and I have changed it. I will always battle depression. It is not over, and it never will be. But with the help of my therapists, my family, and my very few friends, I am OK! I am so good! I am myself, and I am proud of who I am, and have become!! I am choosing to stop this project now, and I am choosing to not allow others to influence my thoughts or feelings in a negative way any longer. I do not feel like I need to be brave and take the criticism anymore, in the name of helping others and myself heal.

I'm not a fighter in the sense that I don't fist fight, or yell, or even debate. I just walk away. I prefer that. So, I am walking away from this, and I am walking away complete, happy, and very much at peace with my experience. I am proud of my journey and all that I have accomplished. Not only have I found my heart again, I have found my confidence in myself, the beauty that I possess, inside and out, and I am finally confident in my skills and style of photography! I am happy with who I am, and am excited to see myself continue to evolve and morph into the person that I envision myself to become. I finally love me! And that's a pretty amazing thing!

The photo for this week is the photo I started with:

I chose this photo simply because, I started this project wanting to become the person I saw in this photograph. And, after 30 weeks.......I am happy to report that I have become, and accomplished, exactly what I wanted to. I have become strong, confident, aware, beautiful, talented, loving, funny, kind, loyal, accepting and exactly the person I wanted to be.

I am proud of myself, and who I have become. But, I am also proud of myself for recognizing when it is time to walk away, to save my own self. I am proud of myself for knowing when enough is enough to preserve the person who I am, and who I want to become. I will never NOT be open about the loss of my daughter, and the effects that it had on, not only my life, but those around me. But I will not be putting my journey out there for the world to see any longer. I will always be more than willing to share my journey with those who ask about it. I will continue to write, to photograph and even post those things. I will continue to post any thoughts that I feel prompted to share, but I think I will close the chapter on this part of my life, and let the next part shine through.

I realize now, as we all should, that it is a PRIVILEGE to know this part of myself, not a right, because it is so special and sacred to me, and to those that love me and have been a part of it. I am grateful for this journey, and all that it has taught me about myself, and about others. I love who I am, and love who I am hoping to become. The journey never stops!