I had the morning to spend with my kiddo's, doing my usual mommy duties getting kids up and ready for school, taking care of the busy two year old, cleaning and runs to the school back and forth. In between, I felt this anxiety/sadness in the pit of my stomach. When I had a quiet moment, I spent a few minute reflecting on the life of my brother in law, TC Rogers, on his birthday, especially on the last few months of his life. TC passed away about 6 years ago, due to an accident he had on a long board. See here: http://tcrogers.wordpress.com/ He is such a great example to me, and someone that I just love to pieces. I miss him a lot, especially when the family is together, and even more so when all of the littlest cousins are together. He was a great uncle, and just loved these kids. Words cannot be put together of how much we miss him all of the time, but we know that we will be together again, and we know that he was called home to do amazing work.
A few days ago, I was asked to photograph a funeral service that was to take place yesterday, by a sweet friend of mine. She asked me to just get a few shots from the service, but what was most important was a good family picture, since this would be a moment that all of the family would be together. They all live so far apart, so it isn't often that they are all together. I was more than happy to help them out with this. As I watched the burial, on this special, emotional day, I was reminded of the service of my youngest daughter. I stood there, watching the grandfather watch the casket of his beloved wife be lowered into the ground, as the littlest grandchildren looked over the edge. I couldn't help but imagine that this was how our scene looked as I sat in those chairs, next to my husband, holding my son on my lap, while watching my deceased newborn baby's casket be buried by a few men, while my daughter and oldest son looked over the edge. It was humbling, and I just wanted to go and hug that grandfather. I am so glad that they asked for a family picture. I am so grateful to Scott for taking the photos that he did at Ellie's service. I love having a photo of everyone who came to Ellie's service, so that way I can always remember the support and love that I have each and every day.
I came home for about an hour, and dozed off for about ten minutes before I had to get up again, and go to the 2nd Annual Candlelight Vigil for Jalen's Gift Foundation. Last year, I went with my good friend, Lisa, and we helped work one of the tables. I wasn't photographing for the group yet, and I really didn't know much about them. I was a crying mess when they showed Ellie's picture on the video, and an even bigger mess when they said her name with the rest of the angel babies. I'd never heard her name be said like that, and cheered for and celebrated. It was hard.
This year, I thought I'd be good. I've been photographing for this group for a year, I would know a lot of the families there, and I was working! I wasn't there to just attend. I was there to support them, but also to photograph their event. Well, I can tell you that overwhelmed wouldn't adequately describe how I felt. I was stopped 6 or 7 times by families who I had photographed their babies. I was thanked and hugged and talked to over and over, by people expressing appreciation for what I had done for them, by helping them remember their children. They opened the event with a video, that showed some of the images we had done for different families. Most people don't get to see the photos that I am proud to do for these families. The photos that I am privileged to take for these families are some of the best work I have ever done, and I am so proud of them. I have gotten permission to show this video here:
This time, watching this with everyone else, I was bawling. A good majority of the photos in that video are ones I took. And each time a new photo showed up, I was instantly taken back to the day/night I took that photo. I knew that baby's name. I knew the family. I could remember the circumstances surrounding that loss. I was able to remember everything about it........and I cried. I cried for the memories, and I cried for the families. But, then, I cried because this is what I do, this is where my passion is, and where my heart is, and I wouldn't have it any other way. This is what I was called to do, for this time.
Over the last two or three months, I have been wondering if I am actually making any difference. It is a thankless job, for sure. I have photographed about 30 babies, and really, I have only heard back from about 4 or 5 families. I don't, however, do this for that purpose. I don't do it to gain attention, have any recognition for it, or even to receive a thank you. BUT, after a year, I guess I just wanted to know that I was doing something that was helping people. If I wasn't, then why was I doing it?!
Watching this video, with these other families solidified that, I AM doing something important. I AM doing something that is helping. I AM making a difference. At the moment of that realization, I took this photo:
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| Gaby and Jerome, speaking in front of the large amount of families that attended the event |
This photo is important to me, because, these two amazing people lost their son a year and a bit ago, and what they did with their grief has touched more families than, I think, even they understand. I am so proud of them, and that I am able to be a small part of it.
At one point, Jerome, one of the founders of the organization, presented me to the crowd for a quick second. I quietly waved and smiled for a minute, and someone shouted out, "Thank you!", and another yelled, "We love you!" I can honestly say, I love them too. I needed that so much more than that crowd realized.
Right when we were starting to wrap things up, I checked my phone, and saw a text from a nurse at a hospital, who was trying to get a hold of Gaby and Jerome to let them know of a loss, and that the family would like photos, if we are available. I responded myself and said I would be there. It's not the way I would've liked to end the evening, but I thought it was a little appropriate.
On my way to the hospital, I made a pit stop by my best friends house, and grabbed a small stroll, some french fries, a caffeinated beverage and a nice, and much needed, chat with her. She really is someone that I just can say absolutely anything to, and she never judges, never makes me feel bad, always empathizes, tries to understand my point of view, and is never afraid to correct me in her soft, sweet Kansas way. I love her to pieces. Her hug was just what I needed, before going and photographing another baby.
As I was in the room, with this sweet new mom, welcoming her into the club that no one wants to be a part of, photographing her beautiful angel baby, and talking with her amazing nurse, I realized that I am exactly where I should be. Instead of lighting a candle to remember my babies, I am doing with my grief, and with my remembrance, what I feel I am called to do. I am not crying for my loss. I am celebrating what I have learned and gained because of the loss. My children know I love them, they don't need me to honor them. They want me to be happy, to keep moving, and to never stop growing and learning.
I love you my sweet children! I can't wait for the day I wrap my arms around each one of you. I hope that I am making all of you proud of your mother, and the family that you come from. Thank you for teaching me all of these amazing things about all of you, my Heavenly Father, His plan, and mostly, about myself and my strength. I am honored to have 7 children. 4 on this Earth, and 3 waiting for us in Heaven.
That was my day. It was hard. It was emotionally draining. And on last count, I took 1,834 photos, just yesterday. But, I wouldn't change yesterday for anything, and I am so glad that I was a part of each moment.
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