Standing

My children have inspired me in so many ways. They don't always know it, because I don't tell them as often as I should, but they do. One of the things that they have helped me realize is that music touches my soul, and fills my heart, and puts emotions into words, much better than I ever could come up with. My children taught me this, Taylor especially, in a surprising way. Taylor, when wrestling, dressing up, playing, doing school work even, is constantly humming a theme song. Not sure what it's going to be at any given moment, but he always has one......that never ends. HA! It changes with his moods, it has sound effects sometimes, it changes from soft to loud depending on what's going on. If you need to know his mood, just listen. His theme song will tell you. His theme song inspires his actions, his thoughts, his feelings, his movements, his sounds, his attitude. Everything. I have realized, I too, have a theme song.

About 2 years ago, at one of my low moments in my grief and depression, I was driving down one of our freeways here in Las Vegas, coming home from a walking/therapy session with my best friend, Amy. I usually have my Pandora playing in the car, if the kids aren't in the car with me. As I was driving home, wracking my brain, as I always do after one of our "sessions", where Amy mentally, and physically, kicks my butt and sets me straight, a song came on that just stopped me in my tracks. This song was the last bit of a light switch flip that I needed to get myself moving, find my direction, and never stop no matter what.

Stand, by Rascal Flatts. It's an older, pretty popular song in country music, and really any other genre of music. It's about wanting to give up, but instead of giving up, and giving in, you find that speck more of "try", and you.....stand. You get up, and keep going, and keep fighting.



During that moment, when I listened to that song, on that dark drive home, I just cried. It was the pep talk I so desperately needed. It is the pep talk that comes on in the car at such random times, but always at just the right time. I listened to it that night, and I realized that this is only the beginning. That there is so much to gain from what I've been through, and so much that I would miss out on if I stop my journey here, and continue to stay in one spot in my grieving and healing. That song reminded me that I am so much more than this moment, and I can be great, and strong, and amazing if I just keep going. I have the potential to learn exactly who I am, who my Father in Heaven is, His plan for me, and how I can be His instrument in helping others in their journey. It helped me to dream, and dream big, and keep trying for that dream, no matter what the obstacle is.

2 years later, I sit here, editing photos of a sweet angel baby, at 10 o'clock at night, listening to my kids snooze away, while Pandora is playing in the background, and a candle is burning, and "Stand" comes on, reminding me of where I came from, where I'm at now, where I'm going, and who I am becoming. As always, it lights a fire in me to keep up what I'm doing. It helps me to fight in my family, and keep them on the path that they need to be on. It reminds me to be the friend that I need to be to others, and show them love and compassion when they need it. This song reminds me of who I want to be, and not constantly be the "Yes!" person I used to be, but to realize my limits, and say, "No, I can't", once in a while. It reminds me to appreciate myself and my hard work from where I've come, to where I'm at now, and where I still want to go. It helps me to realize that in that short amount of time, I have accomplished some pretty amazing, big, things, and to keep fighting, because there is so much more to come. To be aware of my depression always, and cope with it in the ways I need to, but to also appreciate it, because you really can't know and appreciate the full beauty of somethings, sometimes, without it's opposite. On that same note, it has made me unafraid of my depression, and not hide behind it, and not allow it to be an excuse to not fight.

I used to say that this tragedy has changed my whole life, but I'd like to change my mind on that. This tragedy hasn't changed my life. It has opened up a lot more choices for me to make, yes, but it hasn't changed my life. It can't if I don't allow it to, in a good or bad way. I have changed my life. I have chosen what I wanted to do with it, and I have stood tall, and proud, and worked my tail off, with the amazing support, and love, of my husband, family and friends, and I have changed my own life. I saw what I wanted my life to look like, what I wanted to look like, at the end of this, and I went for it, despite every part of my own self fighting against me. And I am still going for it.

As I continue on my journey, I will continue to use this song as my own anthem. This is my own theme song, and anytime I have a trial, a choice that seems too difficult to make, overwhelming moments of stress, or if that depression starts to take hold, I will continually loop this song in my head to give me that kick in the pants that I need to keep fighting for the me that I know I can be, and for the work that I know I can, and want to do. Perhaps that's what Taylor's theme songs do for him.....