Today was the final straw, in a long list of kicks to my heart, my ego and my being. I have put up with a lot recently, from all different kinds of people, and have rationalized things, excused things, and forgiven wrong doings, but today.......I'm struggling. It's a funny thing when I struggle, really. I always think that I'm moving past things, and I'm growing, and becoming stronger, and even moving on from them. But, when I have a day where I have been pushed to my limit, and beyond, emotionally, I find myself reducing my anger from being mad at the situation, all the way down to being mad that I lost my child, to being mad at aspects of my childhood. It's just silly, I know, but it's what I do to myself.
I cannot say in detail what has been going on, but I will say that I try very hard to give what I can to others, and I truly love others, and I really never do it for praise, or any recognition. I do it because I feel that's what we should do for one another. That's how my heart works. I don't look at someone and think, "They are less deserving over this person", or "I don't agree with how they got in that position, and they put themselves there, so they aren't worthy of my help." But, when I start to feel like what I'm doing is being taken advantage of, or that the work I am doing is just never going to be enough, or what I am doing is not being used for the good that I intended it for, OR the one I've been faced with lately, when anger comes from the person I have done the work for, because I won't do more, and more, and more. It hurts. Because it makes me question whether anything I do ever matters. Does what I love to do the most, the thing that brings me the most joy (besides my family), actually matter?
I'm not sure I can answer that question. I never know if it matters. I will probably never know if it matters. I love service, and I love to give love. I know some are saying, "Well, if you are REALLY doing it for nothing more than to show love, and be kind, then it doesn't matter." I would say you are right. But you're not, at the same time. I sacrifice a lot of time away from my family to do things for others. I sacrifice a lot of sleep, to do things for others. I sacrifice my health, sometimes, to do things for others. And if it is not needed, cared about, or wanted, then why continue doing it? It's clearly not necessary. But see? That is the problem with service. A lot of times you don't know if what you're doing is needed, wanted or cared about. That's what makes it selfless. You just do it because you care, and you know that someone could use a bit of your love to keep going.
I try very hard to let people know that what they are doing matters, or is cared about, and means something to me, or is making a difference. I think it's very important to know that, and to express that often, because it keeps you going. It keeps the fire lit in you. One instance is when I was photographing a baby, recently. While I was working, the nurse walks into the room with a beautiful, small, white beaded dress to have the baby wear. Something special that was made for just a baby like her. An Angel Baby. When I saw the dress, I instantly knew who made it. It was Rachel Harris. She has been collecting wedding gowns from people here in town, and even some sent from out of town. Out of those dresses, she is making angel gowns, for babies who were "born sleeping". They are gorgeous. I was so excited to be able to use one of her gowns on a baby! I think it's so beautiful what she is doing, and I just thought it was so special that I got to do that. And the dress fit this little girl beautifully. After I finished photographing her, I explained to the family that the woman who made this dress, is a family friend of my husband's family, and I asked if it would be ok to contact her, and share a photo with her. They were over the moon with the idea. They just loved it, and were so happy to allow me to share a photo with her.
Later on in the month, when I was finishing this little girl's gallery, I sent my favorite photo to Rachel. I told her that I so appreciated her service, and how much the family just LOVED her gown, and how special that they felt that someone did something so beautiful for them.
I explained to her that sometimes we donate our time, and our talents to people, or even hospitals, and we are never sure if it was used, or wanted, or loved. I told her that because of that, I felt it was so important to share the photo with her, and let her know that the family was so touched by it, and the hospitals are using the gowns, and I just love being able to photograph these sweet babies in these lovingly made gowns. A few days later, she responded with so much appreciation for me sharing the photo with her, and that experience with her, and how good that made her feel.
I did for her, what I sometimes need to know myself, to keep going in the projects I'm involved in. But, that is selfish for wanting that, too. Because then it does seem as if I am only doing it for glory, and praise. But, really, I just need a bit of confirmation here and there that what I am doing is necessary, and wanted, to keep going.
Perhaps I'm ranting too much about it, and letting these instances influence me in the wrong way, but perhaps I am just going with my true feelings of frustration that I'm not always sure if all of the things I am doing even matter. Or, do people generally just want something for nothing, and don't care that your heart is written all over it, and really don't care about the sacrifices made to give it to them. Maybe I'm not cut out for service. Or, maybe I'm just human, and normal, and have so much love that it hurts when others don't show the same things. I don't know. I just refuse to believe that the majority of the world is so uncaring. What I do know is, I need to rectify myself in this, and perhaps say some prayers.
I need to figure out how to deal with this, and handle it differently, mentally, because this is a part of me that I love. I love giving service, and doing service, and I want teach my kids to love it too. I never want to become jaded, and stop giving like I do, because of stuff like this (even though that's what it sounds like I'm doing, HAHA!). I just need to learn how to do it, without it hurting me like it has.
I'm not quitting.....except for today. Today, I quit trying to be positive. Today, I quit trying to find what I'm supposed to learn from these things. Today, I quit wanting to do more. Today, I quit. But, tomorrow, I will start again, and I will start a new. Tomorrow, I will get back to me, and do what I know what want to do. One thing I do know for sure is, if I'm going to become the person I want to be, and become the person I know I can be, I have to go through these things, and do the work, and grow my heart, spirit, mind, and life. I need to be better. It will only hurt the love in my heart to harbor such anger, frustration, and resentment. That will only lead to anger, darkness, and being unforgiving. That is not who I ever want to be.........I guess, I just need a sick day today.
No comments:
Post a Comment