Guilty Paranoia

So, just a quick posting. Today, well, the last few days.......or months, have been really trying. There are lots of changes coming, lots of decisions to be made, and it's all starting now. Everything has been happening so fast, and then we wait, and then it happens fast again, and then we wait, and I am really worn out. I can finally tell the story now, because it's all finished, so here goes.


About 3 months ago, Allan started interviews with Adobe (YES, ADOBE!!!), for a consultant position. Long story short, that position was closed, meaning, they weren't going to fill it anymore, however, the HR lady was so impressed with Allan, and thought he would be such a great fit for the company, she recommended him for another position. Needless to say, HE GOT IT!! It is such an amazing opportunity for his career, him and our family. The first position might have required us to move, but this position doesn't! So, Allan gets to work at home, but travel quite a bit. Allan LOVES to travel. So, what's the downside? Great job, work from home, traveling (for Allan), and a great raise in pay......what could possibly be wrong. Well, it seems like lately, we have been finding out a lot of couples we know, young and old, have had marital issues, as far as being faithful to one another, and usually, it's when one spouse travels. I have had terrible nightmares, about Allan cheating with some of my friends, random people that I don't know, or just leaving me, because I'm not exciting in anymore. Lately, I have been completely paranoid that things will start happening and I will be the dope that didn't know anything was going on. I have never been jealous of other women, or really anyone. I have never wanted things someone else has, I have never been jealous of someone trying to flirt with my oblivious husband, in fact, I generally high five him. HA! I'm just pretty laid back about it. But, I don't know why it's such a giant paranoia of mine! I hate it!


The last 3 months, I have been walking even more, and watching what I eat even more, all because of these insecurity issues. I mean really, I've had 5 kids! My body can't compete with a young woman who hasn't had any kids. I LOVE exercising, but I think my reasons for exercising have changed. It used to be for me, and now it's almost out of desperation, that I will remain skinny and attractive for my husband. However, there is always a flaw that I find, that I hope that he doesn't notice. He thinks I am beautiful, and hot and all that, but,I don't. I think it's a chick thing, really.


Next paranoia, is something bad is going to happen. Things have been going so amazingly well......TOO amazingly well. Our family has never been happier, I have never loved my husband more, we are working things out financially, and we are finally on the same page and working together, even! Our kids...well, they are our kids, and really, they're good kids. But, things have been going way too well, and usually when things start going really well, something bad happens, that just pulls the rug out from underneath you. Well, at least that seems to be what happens to me, anyways. So, I'm constantly looking around, looking for something to hurt us, or hurt our family. Expecting something bad to happen.


Final hurdle, recently, I was expecting my period, and it didn't start. I took a pregnancy test.....negative. I waited a few days, no period, still. So I took a pregnancy test, and it was positive. So, I took 2 more tests. Those came out negative. I was completely overwhelmed and confused. I called my friend, and pretty much had a breakdown on the floor of my closet. She convinced me to tell Allan, because I was sure he would be upset. Really, Elliott is only 4 months old, and we have been talking about it, but only I have thought seriously about it. He seemed sure we were done. So, finally, I did tell him. He said he was coming home. When he got home, he was surprisingly, excited about it. I did call my doctor, soon after him, and they wanted me to come in, that day, for a blood test. That night, Allan and I were laying in bed, and he was starting to get even more excited about it, and saying, "I hope it's a girl", and things like that. For me, I was finally starting to warm up to the idea, at about 10:00p, that night. The next afternoon, the nurse called me and said, "Laurie, you're not pregnant." I wasn't pregnant.....I wasn't. I was relieved, because it would be hard to have 2 babies that close together, but I was also disappointed. It was weird. We did decide, after that, that maybe we do want to have another baby, and we need to revisit the issue when Elliott is about 9 months old, to a year old. 


So, last night, I finally spilled my guts to a friend of mine, and really, do you know what conclusion I came to? This all goes back to Ellie. Life was going so well, and we were so excited for her to come, and work, for Allan was going great. Everything was just wonderful. And then she died. Ever since then, I don't expect anything good to happen to me, and when it does, I expect that, however good that good thing was that's happening, that the bad thing that is coming, will be just as bad. How do you get out of that way of thinking?! It's so frustrating, to not feel content with yourself, that you're never good enough. It's frustrating to feel like you'll never be enough. It's hurtful to think that friends, family, or just life, in general, will always let you down and disappoint. It's not a true thing, but it is what is in my head, so I would rather have few people in my life, than a whole throng of friends and family. 


Lately, I have been fighting myself, to not back away from everyone, again. I want to shrink away, because I, again, am scared that something bad will happen. So the less people I have in my life, the less they can let me down. I know it's not healthy, and it's not a good approach to life, hence the fighting with myself to be there, and try hard. 


I don't know how I'm going to do this all of the time, when Allan is going to be gone, for work, but I will. I know I can do it, and it'll be fine. I know I'm strong enough to overcome this, just like all of the other emotions I've had. I wish my life was like a mountain, instead of like a bunch of hills. With a mountain, you just climb up, and then go back down....done. You know what to expect. There is a finish to the up, and a finish to the down, and then you're done. But, with all the hills, you go up, and go back down......but then you go back up, and back down......it never stops. And as your going down the hill, you never know when the next one is coming. Some days, I can hack it, and I can smile my way through it, and it's not a bother, but lately, it's been a bother.


So, there's the latest throw up of emotions. Not my finest writing, ever, but it's true. I will get through this, like the other things. It's just what's going on right now. I just need time. But, time doesn't wait for anyone.