Week 3

HEY! Look who is on to week 3?! Yea, it's me. Someone actually asked me how I'm going to come up with something for every week? I gotta be honest. I have no idea. I'm even a little stressed about it. HAHA! But, we'll see what happens.

For this week, I actually didn't take this photo. SORRY! I kind of cheated. But, a friend of mine, Mandy Tillitson, of Tiny Times Photography, took it for me......ok, really I didn't know she took any photo of me, until she sent it to me. HA! Anyways, I asked her if she would mind that I use that photo for my weekly project. She was more than happy to have it included. YAY! So here it is:

Week 3 Photo:

Photo taken by Mandy Tillitson of Tiny Times Photography

So, why this photo? This is maybe, now, one of my favorite photos of me, for a very special reason. It is, for one, one of the only photos I have of myself doing something that I love so very much. But, I chose it for an even bigger reason. I chose it because it is a photo of me finally being able to provide the service I have been working so hard to give. This is a photo of me taking a picture of a stillborn angel boy. He was my very first angel that I photographed. This is the work that I have been wanting to do since Scott handed me the photos of my angel girl, Ellie. I have never felt that my skills were good enough, that I was able to mentally to handle that, or that I was even worthy enough for the honor of doing something so special and sacred.

On Thursday, Mandy (my friend, and other photographer that I work with for this group) asked if I would be able to go with her to take photos for a family who had just lost their baby that morning. I have to say, I was scared to death! I didn't know what to expect, I didn't know how the family was going to be, I didn't know how the baby would look, I didn't know if I would know what to do, or if I would completely freeze and forget how to use my camera. HA! Plus, I didn't know how it would affect me, mentally. But, I'd better jump in with both feet, and find out, right?! So, I texted my good friend, Lisa, who is a Labor and Delivery Nurse, and runs the bereavement group that I attend, plus is one of the most talented photographers I know (1 of 3, anyways), and asked for any words of wisdom. She simply said, "Just take a deep breath, and pray before you go".

Before I left to meet Mandy, I got in my car, and prayed, as suggested, for the family. I prayed for Mandy and I to be able to work well together. I prayed that I would stay calm, and know what to do. I prayed that I would feel my Fathers hands and thoughts guiding me through this shoot.

I met Mandy at the hospital, which was my first time meeting her in person, and we chatted for a bit. Then we went in. I kept hearing Lisa's advice echoing in my head, "Take a deep breath." So, I took a deep breath before I went in.....and in I went. I will keep the details of the family for myself, but I will say, I was nervous. I didn't know what to say to the family, or what I was supposed to do, so I hung back and watched Mandy speak with the mother, and with Gaby (Gaby runs the bereavement group that we photograph for), just to get a feel for my place, and what I felt was appropriate for me to do.

The experience was surreal, to say the least. It was one of the most amazing experiences I have ever had. It didn't affect me negatively, whatsoever. It wasn't Ellie. Every time I took a photo of that sweet baby boy, I would hear Lisa say, "Take a breath", and I would breath in, then "click", and then let it out. I kept imagining the beautiful, and amazing, photos that Scott gave to us of Ellie, and I would think, "what would I want?", and then I would take another photo, of whatever detail I could think of.

I was nervous about shooting with another photographer, especially one with so much more experience than I did. But, Mandy was wonderful, and so accommodating and helpful. She taught me a lot that night, and I am so grateful that she was there with me.

After we left, I got in my car, and I heard my sweet Lisa's voice again, giving her same advice. So I bowed my head and prayed. I prayed for that family, and for them to feel our Father's comfort as they start this painful journey. I also thanked him for trusting me enough to be able to be a part of this sacred, special moment for this family. I thanked Him for this gift that He has entrusted me with, and hoped I would be able to share it with others.

This photo reminds me of the special work that I am blessed to be able to do. Right after this photo was taken, I got to witness some pretty amazing moments, and even be able to capture those moments. I was able to be there when the mother saw her child for the first time. I was there when her and her husband held their son for the first time. I was there to witness those painful tears stream down their faces. I was there to hear the first words that that sweet mother said to her baby boy. Those are powerful moments. Those are special moments that I will never forget.

After doing this shoot, I left feeling so happy. That's not, maybe, a proper feeling to have after this experience, but I was! I lost my daughter 3 years ago. I was severely damaged 3 years ago. I knew, 3 years ago, that this was something I wanted to do, when Scott sent us the photos of our beautiful little angel girl. I worked at this ever since then, getting myself to a level where I thought I MIGHT be able to produce some photos that were ok for the family. I worked hard with other photographers, like Lisa, getting critique, doing jobs, and assisting, so that I would build up those skills and thought process to be able to know what to do in these situations. I worked hard, for 3 years, on myself, to get myself to a place that I would be ok to do this work, mentally. I've worked hard for 3 years......and I got to see myself happy in life. I got to see myself do a pretty darn good job. I got to see myself give back to another mom, the service that was given to me.

While I was photographing that family, I thought of Scott so much. He was there with us, during the same moments. He is one of the few friends, and even family, that got to meet Ellie in person. He is the only person to photograph all 5 of my children. I just kept thinking how proud he would be of me, that I'm doing it! How proud he would be of himself, that the service he gave to us, the work he provided, would inspire someone else to do something so amazing.

I thought of Terrell afterwards, and I wished he was in town so I could call him and tell him that I did it! I couldn't wait to get home and tell him. I know I met Terrell just for this purpose. He does the same thing, for a different organization, and has been a great mentor to me, as well.

I love this photo so much. I know that Mandy sees everything wrong with it, but this photo is one of the most special photos to me, that has ever been taken of me. If you are a photographer, imagine someone capturing that very first photo that you ever took. Or capturing you on your very first shoot. I have that! I have a moment forever etched of my goals, actually coming about! I have a photo of me, taking a photograph of my very first angel baby. I cannot describe how much that means to me.

It has been a hard road getting here. I know it's only been 3 years, but it's been the hardest 3 years of my life. I have grown in so many ways, and become a better person because of it. I do not do this work for Ellie. I do this work because of Ellie. She enhanced this gift. If I wouldn't have lost her, I wouldn't have ever thought to do this. I may have not pursued photography the way I have. I would never have met Tammy, or Lisa, or Terrell. I wouldn't have the amazing gifts that I have. So, I don't do this in honor of her. I do this because of her. Because of that experience. I will be, forever, grateful for that experience. I am so grateful for the lessons that I have learned because of having to endure that painful loss.

It is definitely a hard thing to do, photographing sleeping angels, and not many can do it. But, I can't imagine doing anything else. It is hard to see, and take into your heart. But, it is such a beautiful time, and to have the honor of being invited into that space, with the family, become a part of their forever memories, and experience that with them, capture those moments for them, and even make those moments better to remember later.......that's priceless, and that's why I love it. THAT is why I love this photo. It's not perfect, but it's perfect for me. Thank you Mandy, for giving me that SPECIAL gift.