Week 1

It's the first week of this project that I created. I feel so selfish, and incredibly vulnerable posting these, but, I guess after half of the stuff that I've written on this blog, this project should be a million times easier, right?!....No. It's not because, it's easy for me to hide behind my laptop, and let people imagine who I am, or what I look like, as I write these hard words out. It's easier for me to hide behind the camera, and photograph things that may represent me, and/or my feelings at that moment, and not let my real self be shown. But, in the reality of it all, when I am writing, I am usually shaking, and bawling, and leaving my heart out on that keyboard. When I'm photographing something, I'm really photographing my heart. Putting myself in front of the camera, and then writing about that photograph that I am in.......that's a whole new one. But, what I hope to gain from it is, a lot more realization of the woman that I am. A greater value in myself. An appreciation for my purpose on this Earth, that God has bestowed upon me. I'm so scared about this project, because.......I can't hide. There is nowhere to hide. And I think that's perfect for me.

This week, much like my post last week, has 2 photos.

This photo is me. This photo is me most days, last year. I would sit alone, in a tight ball, with my body shaking, and my hands having nothing else to do, but grip my hair, as tight as they could.......and just sob. The feelings inside of my stomach, and inside of my head were constantly telling me, "You're a terrible mother", "You're a terrible wife", "You don't deserve to be happy", "You could've helped your child, and you didn't", "You are worthless", and on and on. It got to be too much, during many moments, and the only thing I could do was to sink down, curl into a ball, and cry. I felt like a newborn baby. You know how a lot of them like to be swaddled. They like to feel as they did in the womb, tight, warm, secure.......I felt a bit of relief in the hurt of my body curled up so tight. My hands were always on my head, or my face, never allowing anyone to see me cry. Never allowing anyone to see how I was really feeling on the inside. I would never allow anyone to see me break. The scene, and story in this photo, is one that I know will happen again, many times, I'm sure. But, I'm hoping that it will not be a constant feeling. That it will just be a moment in time, and then I can get up, and feel joy again.

We all have our moments of weakness. Our moments where we feel like we can't cope any longer. Our moments where we just need to cry, or breakdown, or curl into a ball.......and then, relief comes. For me, however, for 3 years, that relief never came.....until now. I can feel it coming, and I've, honestly, never felt so free.

This photo.....this is me. This represents my favorite colors, and my favorite things. I love the color of my eyes. They are huge eyes, and I'm not a big fan of that, but the color of them, makes up for the massive size. HA! I love my hair. Although, it's starting to get some greys, and I'm gonna have to take the plunge, and start having it colored, I love my hair still. Those 2 things make me feel beautiful. They make me feel unique. There aren't a ton of brown hair, fare skinned, blue eyed girls. I love being a bit unique, in that way. It also has my favorite color, blue. I think I love all shades of blue.

I love this photo of me, because it looks.....happy. Even though blue is usually a sad, dark color, for me, it's my happy color. I look at this photo, and I see a beautiful woman, who is vibrant, happy, and comfortable in her skin. I hope that one day, I feel that way, fully.

So far, I'm liking this project. It's fun! But, it's testing me. It's testing my abilities with photography, and composing a photo, conveying an emotion, and the idea in my head. It's testing my abilities to tap into myself, and my own emotions. But, in doing that, it's making me look inward, and deal with the emotions that are causing those photos. I love it! I love what this is doing for me, in all areas.